To think maybe this is not normal

[Poppy298]

Long story short I’ve been noticing things that make me feel my relationship is not right. We have been together a long time but these little things have been getting worse. I don’t know if I’m genuinely to blame or if this isn’t normal.
So for example we don’t live together he asks me to do his food shopping (he works full time and me part time) so I am ok with that but if I can’t do it the day and hour he wants it he goes off on one. Today is another example I said I would drop the food shopping off at his work as he’s finishing earlier but his home and work is 30 min from me and I was going food shopping early so I said I would drop it at his work. He was ok with this. He then asked me to call him a taxi as he is working later now so that he could drop his food at his house and go back to work. I booked one online to be dispatched ASAP and taxis in the area were really busy and it took longer than expected. He then rang me to say it’s all my fault he will be late back to work because I should have waited around to take him back home on his lunch break so he wasn’t relying on taxis. He is now not speaking to me. Another thing is I went to collect him some new release trainers I got to the shop as soon as they opened especially so i got them in time, he then asked me to drive to his work (a further 25 minutes) and drop them off. I said I couldn’t do that and I would drop them off on Sunday (today) which I did. He is now telling me if the size is wrong and it doesn’t fit he wants the money off me for the shoes because all pairs have sold out now and if I’d have dropped them off on the day I bought them it wouldn’t have been a problem. He is so angry when he says all this and insults me at the same time. These are just little examples but they happen every day. I have to apologise all the time but I genuinely don’t think I’ve done wrong?

PPs who have said blocking him should be sufficient to make clear you no longer want to hear from him are absolutely right.

The reason I suggested a message to make it clear that if he doesn't go away, you will go to the police, is that applying for a non-molestation order takes time and trouble and also, to a certain extent continues the involvement with the abuser, because they have to be given the chance to argue against the non-mol order being made. It's absolutely worth the time and trouble if the abuser won't go away without a non-molestation order. Non-mols are very useful things. But it's probably worth seeing if he will go away without you having to go through that effort.

PPs are right that YOU should NOT contact him directly. If he continues to harass you, do you by chance have a male family member who could send him a message making clear that if he doesn't stop contacting you, you will go to the police? (Of course, if it gets scary, just go straight to the police and hopefully they’ll have a word and his harassment will stop).

I forgot about emails!! Got an email. Declaring his true love for me, I have broken his heart. He never thought I would do this to him he wishes he never met me because I have destroyed him. All he ever did was love me…. Ok Next joke please.

email address blocked.

It did make me sad not going to lie I did cry when I read it because I do really love him. But I know fact he doesn’t love anyone but himself.

@Poppy298 you're doing great. You are one kickass woman. It's ok to cry and miss him and still to know you did the right thing.

@Poppy298

I forgot about emails!! Got an email. Declaring his true love for me, I have broken his heart. He never thought I would do this to him he wishes he never met me because I have destroyed him. All he ever did was love me…. Ok Next joke please. email address blocked.

Love-bombing is part of the cycle. It was predictable that he'd put you through this, but how hard for you.

This is the man who's just told you you're useless in bed, you must be a lesbian or mentally ill if you don't want him: about as many stock insults as one man can pull out of a hat, he's used. I'm only surprised he's not gone down the 'your vagina stinks' route. That's also an aged tactic used by misogynists who really hate women: I've seen fellow MN members post variations on this theme several times, and it's also been done to me. It is, of course, BS.

'All I ever did was love you', yep, I've personally heard that one from a manipulative abuser before, too.

They call it The Script. It's frightening how rarely they deviate it.

Whenever he love-bombs you, re-read those abusive messages he's been sending you and remember it's part of time-honoured pattern. And it's a recognisable pattern - ask any psychotherapist - used by abusers.

Keep on moving forward: you are doing brilliantly. Sadly there are many women on this site and elsewhere who haven't reached the stage where you are this quickly. You have a good deal of wisdom.

deviate 'from' it - sorry, typing on a small screen.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks omg I just spat my coffee out from laughing. He did tell me it stinks 🤣 and I went to the doctors and told them I was really paranoid because my “boyfriend” told me this in an argument and I didn’t know if he was being serious or not. I can’t believe you can predict him so well. It is like he’s reading from a manual

Well done for getting rid Poppy. He's treated you terribly and it can be hard to see the pattern. When a pawn gets to the other side of a chess board, it can become a Queen. Your time to be Queen (and you can move in any direction now!)

@Poppy298

So glad you are 3 days out of this nonsense ... and focusing on You 🌸

Keep going poppy i would recommend the police just to log it and then a non mol order if need be

@Poppy298

I have now blocked but I read his reply on the Lock Screen it was: “ the way you treat me is disgusting what do I ask of you that a normal girlfriend wouldn’t do for her partner you’re so deluded I told you a long time ago you are just a silly little girl”

WHAT A TWAT WHAT THE HELL DID I SEE IN THIS MAN yes he is good looking but I mean I wouldn’t necessarily break my neck looking back at him if I walked past him in the street. Christ I feel SO stupid to have let someone make me feel like this is “love”

I would overlay that message on the worst photo of him I could find and keep it as my screensaver to remind me what an absolute cuntoid this man is.

Please never ever waste another day of your amazing life on this abusive arse. Enjoy every minute of the new uni year and get yourself out there and party my girl! xx

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

This.

Could someone post a link to a site that explains "The Script" to the OP?

It has been a complete eye-opening experience to read on MN over the years, how nasty, abusive, cheating low life's, follow the script.

@Poppy298

It did make me sad not going to lie I did cry when I read it because I do really love him. But I know fact he doesn’t love anyone but himself.

But I know fact he doesn’t love anyone but himself.

I'm glad you recognise that. That realisation will keep your determination strong in ridding him from your life.

You deserve better than this, OP, and I'm glad you see that. 🌹

@Poppy298 - you may love him but you love yourself too and that is absolutely how it should be. He is one nasty piece of work. The longer you are away from him, the more you’ll realise it. My DH and I have had some fierce arguments over the 20+ years we’ve been together but he has never said to me the nasty things this man has said to you.

He’s only started sweet-talking you because the abuse didn’t work. That’s how calculating and cynical he is.

You’re already starting to get yourself back. You were with him for 5 years. He was a constant even if a damaging one. You’re bound to have a mixture of feelings now you’re away from him.

But give it some time and you’ll feel only relief and joy that he’s out of your life. Your future self is already eternally grateful!

Hi Poppy, I would also like to say just how fabulously you're doing. He will say anything to get you back - keep strong.

I met my abuser in my late 40s and also luckily didn't live with him. He ended up stalking me (twice - long story) and after I went to the police he was given a 5 year restraining order. I kept a diary in a draft email which was used as evidence, plus all the emails he sent, and screen shots of phone calls (no caller id) and hand-delivered letters. I constantly blocked his emails but he kept changing addresses.

He filled my voicemail inbox in a fortnight - I didn't listen to any of them (the dread of hearing the phone ring lasted a long time after).

I felt broken for a long time afterwards, like I couldn't cope on my own - which was utterly bizarre as I've been independent and self-reliant since I was a teen. He had trained me to text him every 15 minutes from waking to when I went to sleep. I cannot believe what I put up with and did for him - it was like I became someone else.

I agree with reading the Lundy Bancroft book and the Gift of Fear, and also a really good little book called Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch. It's hugely helpful and can be read in half an hour. I read it many many times.

Keep safe, you're doing brilliantly

I think it’s amazing how these men just instinctively re-enact ‘the script’. It can’t be a manual that’s handed out when a bloke applies for a position as a complete arsehole, can it? It’s like they just do it. How do they know?? Mind fuck

Oh Poppy, you are doing brilliantly. Thank goodness you have supportive people around you, but mostly thank goodness that you obviously know that you are “worth more”. I’ve nothing to add to the relationship advice, but I did pick up on the financial abuse and how it’s affected your credit rating.

The Money Saving Expert website has loads of good advice, including on how to build up your credit rating - www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/credit-rating-credit-score/

It takes a bit of time, but you can get back to were you where, you’ll have loads more money now that you’re not paying for that lazy arse.

Also, your post about not having to set your alarm for 4:30am so that you could wake him up for work actually brought tears to my eyes 😢

Stay strong beautiful 💐

It did make me sad not going to lie I did cry when I read it because I do really love him. But I know fact he doesn’t love anyone but himself.

It's good that you have really accepted that. When you have come out the other side of all this, it's definitely worth reflecting on how you could still feel love for somebody who treated you this way.

if it escalates I just don’t want anyone to say you never actually told him to not contact you

Stay in counselling once you're over the breakup long enough to work on your self esteem, I really hope you never let anyone treat you badly again, or think statements like the above. Why would anyone expect you to beg someone to leave you alone when they're being abusive?

It’s kind of strange because right now I have money obviously from working and previously I’d think “I can’t spend that on myself incase he asks me for something” so for about 3 years I’ve bought myself about 5 things. Honestly a very strange feeling to look at my bank knowing I can do what I like with MY money!! The journaling is going well I have written down everything I have thought, lots of sweat words very angry sentences tbh and I feel better for it

@mynxy thank you I can really relate. The fear of the phone ringing my stomach is in my mouth every time. Also I only had a 5 minute window to reply to texts otherwise I was obviously sleeping with someone else. I was never allowed to be busy like normal people. He was though. It’s going to take me a while to get out of all of these things. Thanks so much for the book recommendations. I’m currently reading “why does he do that” as suggested by others by Lundy. So will give the rest a go.

Good going, OP, you're doing so well. This will take time, to recover, so be kind to yourself.

@Poppy298 you are doing great. And I'm glad you are reading a recommended book. You are so young and it's too easy to go from one abusive relationship to another. You really seem to have your head screwed on right, and you have had some amazing advice.

I’ve been checking in to this thread each day and am so proud of you! My abusive ex (from when I was your age) is so similar!! They really follow a manual! I was crap, stupid, rubbish etc as well and never would amount to anything either. Apparently I was lucky to be with him as no one else would have me. Twenty years (nearly) on, I’ve got two degrees and hold down a professional job. He…..doesn’t. And continues to bitch and whinge about his situation (in and out of jobs).

Enjoy the freedom you now have. It’s wonderful. Being able to watch the programs you like, eat what you like. You don’t have to run around after him etc or predict what mood he’ll be in. So fucking brilliant! Enjoy every second, and to hell with the vile little cretinous cock-turd. Xxx

@Poppy298

Im so pleased for you... did you consider changing your mobile number.. very easy and peace of mind step to take 🌸