Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

Don’t forget it is also “my” life - so I do not understand why my age supposedly determines the amount of sacrifice I have to make (me being the adult) , especially if it wasn’t my wrongdoing. It’s his and exes responsibility to raise their child, perhaps her grandparents also, if they choose to be a part of it. But I have very much the right to pick my own battles. Being my husbands daughters additional “mother” isn’t one of them 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I’m sure I’ll thoroughly take on the task if I have my own child/children.. who I can then bring up with my husbands and my values. Until then I prefer to be my husbands daughter’s friend, who has several other adults beside me in her life.

You seem confident with strong boundaries and that's a good thing.

I see what you mean about the MIL. Would you say she likes to be in charge of things?
Trying to force you and the ex to mingle seems like it's for her benefit mostly.
Some families draw the new person in and then decide the pecking order and test how much crap you'll take.

You've set your boundaries to not allow yourself to be forced into the position your MIL wants you to be.
I think you're wise to keep things as they are and I wouldn't say anything to her about it.

Yes, she’s quite controlling and patronising. Starts to cry and gets panicky if someone doesn’t play to her rules … my husband calls it “emotional”. There were a few incidences in which she secretly rearranged our apartment when we went on vacation- cleaned everything (it wasn’t dirty by the way) threw certain objects away, emptied our toilet bin alongside my bloody period stiff and replaced them with random room decor of hers. She tends to do that with a lot of family members actually (including the ex- who doesn’t say anything because she also frequently renovates the space and buys new furniture) .. I find it highly intrusive on the other hand, so she eventually had to give up our keys. I believe she has some sort of OCD.. which obviously isn’t any excuse. So yes, she very much wants to be in “charge”.

Anyway!

Your MIL sounds to be at the extreme level of over-involved. Albeit well meaning and out of a sense of love for her family.
You, on the other hand, sound to be at the other end of the scale of family relationships. You don't seem to have emotional ties based purely of accident of birth or through marriage. And you don't appear to feel the need to attempt to develop relationships purely because it is the social norm.
However, I foresee struggles ahead if you don't attempt to understand each others' point of view or attempt to meet part way. The child and your husband will be caught in between you.

I can see you are determined to continue us things are. And I respect that so long as the child isn't affected. But your future children will, almost certainly.

The one thing you have stated that I disagree with the most is that you will be fully honest if your husbands DD asks if you like her DM. You are quite clear that you will tell her "no". Please do not do that. I know that it would have hurt and confused me immensely as a child, and I believe it would most kids including my own. There would be no harm in skirting round the question by saying something like "we have such different interests!" and move the conversation to another topic. Don't risk causing upset for the girl, something that she has to process or learn to understand in a family of very different adults. Her life is complicated enough at the moment!

@Gazelda Okay -saying that we are “very different people” is doable as well.

Even though I very much doubt my future children will be negatively affected .. I do not want my mother in law to play such a hands on role as with her current granddaughter.. I do not expect/nor want the kind of support the ex received. It will be certainly “different”, sure.

To answer your original question , you don't need to say anything apart from 'there's no problem my side, I'm happy to continue as we are'.

Hopefully as your DSD requires less day care as she gets older, or maybe the ex moves on in her life, an opportunity for a genuine relationship with your ILs may present itself. I think you're right not to force it. If it happens, it happens, and if it does, it will be under circumstances that you're all happy with.

You're quite robotic about human relationships. I've never really come across someone who is so reluctant to take on any kind of facilitation of family relationships. I see that as part of the role of wife or girlfriend, or husband or boyfriend. You expand your partner's world, not shrink it down. You become part of their world, not steer them away from it.

Did you have a happy family growing up? My joy is a huge family of cousins and siblings and grandparents. You seem not to want that for your step daughter or your future kids? If you want it for them, you and your dh have to do the work to make it happen.

Anyway, you do you. You sound like you know yourself pretty well. I'm just not sure it's healthy, really? It seems all a bit cold.

@Guineapigbridge

It's an expectation of the wife though isn't it. Not the husband.

Saddling women with these things isn't doing much for equality and the rights of women.
Putting up with toxic relationships just keeps them going for another generation.

Yeah, it is wifework, often we are the ones who prioritise family relationships. Because we are wise and see the true value in things. We could refuse to do it but the alternative is loneliness.

@Guineapibridge
Well, but I do not shrink his world? I am selective about mine- he doesn’t have to be and isn‘t. I disagree with the notion that there is a set of „roles“ when entering a relationship. He is he and I am I .. two individuals who appreciate and enjoy each other‘s company. Yes, I’m definitely not fond of huge crowds or gigantic families and the stress that comes with them.. I appreciate having my “me time” and am certainly not lonely. So no, I’m sure that my future children would want that either- considering that it’s a very strong character trait within my relatives- if they turned out to be otherwise, then it’s okay also. (Still- quite unlikely) I’ll react according to the individual 🤷🏼‍♀️ And me wanting to have my space and reducing my contacts to the individuals I’m truly happy with, is nothing I expect from anyone else.

*wouldn’t

Again 🤷🏼‍♀️ My husband supports me in that regard and loves me a lot, frequently states how much happier his life is since he met me.. so am definitely not his social downfall. He still joins various activities with friends (and occasionally family) - I didn’t change that.

You are entitled to feel the way you do regarding these issues, but in the long run, and for the future, it would be best if you just tried to adapt to being more relaxed with family members, despite you not liking your Husbands ex. It's not impossible to be a little reasonable with some people,who have different personality traits than yourself,and then try and forget your big dislike of the person you don't much care about, all for the sake of a bit of harmony in the family.

I also know that terms such as “grandparents” or “cousins” don’t mean much in reality- since not every relative behaves as their role suggests. They are people after all .. and yes I do not care whether I happen to be related to them if they and I don’t get along or they end up being bad influences.. I appreciate good relationships regardless of my blood.

He doesn’t like or want to spend time with the ex either. Well he doesn’t, unless it concerns the daughter 🤷🏼‍♀️ So why would I? We have nothing in common and she is a highly unlikable character, no one I’d ever voluntarily engage with .. even if she wasn’t the ex.

Q Should I be honest with my mother in law?

Honesty is such an over rated attribute. It makes the speaker feel better but rarely the listener. I'm honest with my siblings - long history so they can suck it up - but in laws? No. You sound like someone with their head screwed on so I'm sure you can engineer meet ups without the ex. It's a bit sad that you don't see your step daughter as part of your family. I have 2 step sons and I love them and they me. My family isn't complete unless they're with us. I'm sorry you haven't felt that.

Don’t be sorry, I’m more than fine. 😊but I’m glad that your arrangement makes you happy also