Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

but I‘m a friend to his daughter.

And more ... you are not her mother, but you are married to her father, so you have a particular role as an adult in her life.

What is your response to building a relationship with your ILs that doesn't involve his DD's mother? Have you tried this?

I‘m not sure with whom my non existing children are going to engage with. It’s their decision - I won’t force anything - it’s ultimately also my husbands responsibility to forge a good bond between them if he wanted to. As I previously said, the few attempts which have been made regarding meeting the in laws always ended with them wanting me to bond with the ex- and whenever I invited them to us they needed to go abroad or join other barbecues/parties with their friends. They kept giving me the impression (especially my mother in law) that they aren’t willing to have a genuine relationship with me, unless I adapt to their ways and „habitat“.

Not really, my partner is quite sociable/ extroverted and sees his friends group on a weekly basis. Or some/most of them 🤷🏼‍♀️

I am also busy with my work, so do not join all of husbands trips with his daughter. They have always their set days each week and a few spontaneous visits in between ..I might be there or not, depending on my schedule.

So yes, I tried to to invite them in the past- but was met with excuses or reversed invitations to „join them instead“ which obviously ended in the same scenario. I feel somewhat idiotic that I do need to repeatedly (carefully) voice that I do want to be friends nor spend time with the ex-wife. The fact that my mother in law kept insisting after appearing ( temporarily) understanding, seemed almost provocative.

So I haven’t explained my
„Whole withdrawal“ I suppose, bad made enough remarks in the past .. which I perceived as obvious enough. Them saying that I am distant for no reason threw me off, and made me question whether I should have explained my discomfort in its entirety.

Which was my only and initial question ..

YADNBU

Your in laws are very lacking in emotional intelligence.

Don’t say anything, let them work it out, otherwise you’ll be the one with the ‘problem.’

Like others have said, invite them to your house for an occasional Sunday lunch or whatever when you have your step daughter staying with you.

Hats off to you for not letting them force you into playing happy families with them and the ex-wife.

Simply put, your DH’s parents are on another planet.

@Leafedplant

So I haven’t explained my „Whole withdrawal“ I suppose, bad made enough remarks in the past .. which I perceived as obvious enough. Them saying that I am distant for no reason threw me off, and made me question whether I should have explained my discomfort in its entirety.

But you are distant. And determined to remain so.

But yes, I see no harm in saying "I understand that you want me and ex to be friends, but I find it very uncomfortable to be thrown together with her. So this is why I have stayed away"

You are distant though so I don't see why them saying that you are is unreasonable.

„For no reason“ - if your opinion was repeatedly not taken seriously and disregarded.. would you then try to please/ accommodate the other person? I acknowledge that I am „distant“, but exclusively because of their inconsiderate behaviour and expectations. I haven’t even criticised them openly or demanded anything (voluntarily stepped away and let them do their own thing) .. so I Wonder where I am acting selfish/rude?

So basically thr in laws see the grandchild most days, the mother drops her off, they are trying to make things smooth and you are jealous and insecure and wish to punish them for being friendly with her. All dressed up in some fancy language to hide the real issue.

Yes your mother in law can’t force a civil relationship between you and her, and your husband needs to tell them you won’t engage as long as his ex is present due to your issues and leave it there.

I don’t understand this post at all.

Are you saying the EVERYTIME you are invited to their house your DH’s ex is also there, I don’t think so.

If you are saying at some particular gatherings she is invited and you then don’t go? If so why can you not go to their house alone, just you and DH, why can’t he arrange this and why can’t you invite them to yours.

Reading between the lines you seem to be suggesting that because they see the ex wife at all then you will not engage in a relationship with them. That would be completely unreasonable of you.

„I am my husbands new wife and therefore won’t allow you all to get along and demand you to pick a side“ would have been selfish and inappropriate… but I did the very opposite. I simply pointed out, that I respect their relationship with the ex wife but do not want to socialise/engage with her personally? Which was very much ignored or half „laughed off“ and then the next time continued as if nothing had ever happened.

There's a big difference between knowing & enforcing your boundaries because of unreasonable expectations from the MIL, to being distant for no reason. I find it really sad that so many have such weak expectations of how they are treat, that they think the OP is being distant for no good reason.

There's nothing wrong with your boundaries OP, you do not need to bend to MILs unreasonable expectations, but it's your DH who needs to be speaking to people on your behalf as it's his DM. Surely he must find this odd & overly inclusive of his ex behaviour difficult too

No, I am not jealous or insecure. I simply do not care for the ex-wife and want to have my own life., I‘m not preventing anyone from continuing with theirs.

@pommepommefrites

Wow, 29 and already on second marriage of 3 years?

I thought this. No judgement, but two marriages by the time he was 26?

@Leafedplant

No, I am not jealous or insecure. I simply do not care for the ex-wife and want to have my own life., I‘m not preventing anyone from continuing with theirs.

Don't capitulate OP

They've written a role for you and all you're doing is just playing yourself.
I think you're right. I'd maintain a lot of distance in these circs. too

Singingintheshithouse- Indeed so. He says that he doesn’t understand his parents expectations towards me.. does not like his ex wife being constantly present and as heavily involved in his family, but obviously also respects his parents individual relationship with her (so do I) he and I find it odd.. but it’s evidently none of our business. What I do find unacceptable though, is when the ex is throwing tantrums over WhatsApp because him and I do not want to join her and the daughter to theme parks, and writing manipulative messages about how weak our relationship must be.

You're doing quite some drip feeding now, OP.

They aren’t respecting the fact that I do not intend to become part of his exes family.. even the exes mother (stepdaughters grandmother) sent me a Facebook request and called me supposedly petty, for not wanting to connect with them? I personally find it very bizarre that they so adamantly want to lure me in.

I can completely see your point OP. And I think a lot of SM would benefit from adopting your attitude when marrying a man with DC already.

You’re an additional friendly adult in your DH’s child’s life. You do not want nor does your DSD need another parent having already loving and hands on parents and grandparents in the picture.

Your DSD & DH sound like they’re happy and your family set up works for them.

What your IL’s want or the ex want is their problem and I wouldn’t be falling over myself to comply with their demands either.

You’re happy to let them continue as they’ve been doing and don’t want to be involved that’s fine too.

Some on here get pretty angry if the DSM doesn’t fall over herself to become the family skivvy at the beck and call of the ex wife and DSC 🙄

Anyway! Yes you are right.. I have read all of your messages and am thankful for the responses. I will let my husband talk to them.. there probably isn’t any need for extensive elaborations from my end. If they want to have a genuine relationship with me- then I‘ll be happy to assist and if it’s solely to play some role/ fulfil some function then we might continue keeping our distance.

I hate when family try and add you to fb. I’m not connected to any of my IL’s on social media. Why would I want to be?

But thanks! I genuinely appreciated it!