Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

Frazzledasarock- I accepted my in laws requests 😅 this was the friendship request by his „exes mother“ though. Who also seems to have an opinion on me and now I should behave.. evidently.

Good grief! How odd of your husbands ex IL’s!

@SingingInTheShithouse your comment is spot on IMO. I absolutely don’t understand why you’re getting a bashing for having established boundaries that you’re honouring. No one appears to be suffering in this scenario apart from you and perhaps your MIL who is making errors in trying to establish one big happy harem/family.

Someone else said it, but I think you ought to carry on as you are doing but perhaps if you were going to do ANYTHING, gently, say to your PIL that yes, you are happy to socialise and get together with them but would prefer to do so separate from your husband’s ex. That your relationship with them is more important.

Contrary to what some other posters have written I think they could have extended a thank you to you personally for gifts that you bought, especially if they want to be so involved in other aspects of your life. But I wouldn’t choose that as the hill to die on. Chalk it up to a one off and proceed as you are doing..

I also completely agree with @SingingInTheShithouse.

OP, you stated your boundary that you have no wish to socialise with your husband's ex wife.

That is 100% your call.

It has been laughed off and ignored.

Continue as you were and leave it up to your husband to communicate with his family.

If you are asked directly by your MIL to attend something, you can ask will ex wife be there, and if the answer is yes, then it is completely within your right to say no thanks.

I think you have every right to resist being bullied into social expectations that you have zero interest in fulfilling.

YANBU.

I think your husband needs to explain to his parents, once and for all, that you want a pleasant relationship with them but you do not want a relationship with his ex wife and do not want to be forced into manufactured situations so they can facilitate that. If they continue to refuse to meet up with you without her then so be it!

I would also be getting him to buy all their presents in future.

@Leafedplant

Singingintheshithouse- thank you very much 😅 I find it bizarre that everyone keeps bringing my husbands daughter up.. or my husband himself. As if I‘d have to live in an idealistic commune.. that it’s my responsibility to fulfill each and everyone’s unrealistic wishes? .. even though my husband and her are more than content, just the surrounding (fully grown) adults aren’t.

That's not your responsibility. Most PPs are just talking about having a polite relationship with ILs. Invite them to tea occasionally, meet for lunch. No communes required. A firm polite boundary is "I don't want a relationship with DSD mum, so I won't be coming to yours for the family events, but would like to meet for dinner or have you to our house for a meal".

Your DSD might be happy for you to have no relationship with her mum now, but it may well upset her as she grows if you accidentally show your disapproval of her mum to her. Children can be very blunt and curious, you may well find yourself being asked why you're not friends with her or why you never talk to her, is it that you don't like her.

There is a big range of relationship options between not having a relationship with PIL and pretending happy families. The former is rude without cause, the later isn't something the vast majority of people would be happy with. I do feel that something may have been lost in translation from all sides here. PIL have overstepped, boundaries are good, but this goes way beyond that. I'm not at all close to my ILs, we disagree on major issues, but we visit them and they visit us and everything is polite, because they are my DC grandparents and as much as we disagree I value them having loving family in their life. One day if you have DC you might regret not having any relationship with them.

@Leafedplant

They aren’t respecting the fact that I do not intend to become part of his exes family.. even the exes mother (stepdaughters grandmother) sent me a Facebook request and called me supposedly petty, for not wanting to connect with them? I personally find it very bizarre that they so adamantly want to lure me in.

I'd find that really strange and uncomfortable too. It sounds like they're very enmeshed and have very different expectations of family to you. But they're going to be in your life a long time. Maybe your DH could try to mend fences, ask them out for dinner or to the pub, he can make it clear it's just the four of you Get to know each other. If they know you better you'd become more you in their minds as opposed to currently being DSD stepmum or DH wife.

Probably as DH and ex were so young and ‘forced’ to get married, the parents took more of a role in making them all a ‘family’. Ex is now just as part of the family as say another sibling.

Your DH needs to be more clear that he doesn’t want to socialise with ex, but he/you cannot tell in laws who they can/can’t socialise with. If they choose not to socialise with their sim (and you), then he needs to point it out.
Maybe if/when ex has another relationship, she might not socialise as much with in laws.

Lunaandhermoondragons

I am not ashamed nor perceive it as problematic to tell my husbands daughter that I do not like her mother/ am indifferent towards her if she ever wanted to ask me in that regard. It obviously doesn’t include my stepdaughter herself, and I would specifically make that clear.. but would not „embellish“ the opinion of her mother . If she was then biased or angry with me as a result.. so be it. Everyone is entitled to their emotions.

@Leafedplant

In regards to his daughter. He has very close friend group who see his daughter just as often as I . Of course I am not just a friend to my partner/husband .. but I‘m a friend to his daughter.

I can understand your perspectives op, they have been intriguing reading, but I know this can vary depending on the situation but from my experience of people, is that yes a friend should be just that a friend, but other times if a person marries the dad and he has children already, it tends to be that people presume, "rightly or wrongly" that the step parent will also help become a step parent rather than just be a friend.

Lordy and I thought I had issues with my ILs when DH's ex rang the night before our wedding to beg him to come back to her and they were so excited to talk to her on the phone.

I don't think you're doing anything except a firm boundary that you don't want and won't have a relationship with his ex. I think it's fair enough if your DH asked them over for a meal or organised an outing with them and your DSD but fuck hanging out with the ex for a game of soldiers. That's really not normal despite all the loons on this thread trying to make out that it is.

Altaira - yes, she is indeed treated as an additional sibling.. which my brother in law seems to despise (he recently told me how much her constant presence bothers him). I also doubt that she will embark in any relationships soon.. I am not trying to sound paranoid, but when I made the claim regarding her manipulative behaviour I truly meant it. She fully relies on my in laws support.. financially and socially and visibly „marked her territory as soon as I arrived“. Immediately broke off the relationship with her then boyfriend and declared that she wouldn’t date anyone in the foreseeable future to fully concentrate on her family (my in laws, husband and stepdaughter) instead. She knows that my in laws disapproved of her chosen partners in the past and That they would grow distant as a result, she is forced to maintain the bond if she wants to keep her financial freedom and social life. (They gifted her a flat, pay for all of her expenses - my husband pays child support separately- and have her daughter on most days). Again .. nothing I personally desire or need, I’m just saying that she isn’t “innocent” and very much insists on her influence.

@Leafedplant

So I haven’t explained my „Whole withdrawal“ I suppose, bad made enough remarks in the past .. which I perceived as obvious enough. Them saying that I am distant for no reason threw me off, and made me question whether I should have explained my discomfort in its entirety.

The issue sometimes , is you can discuss x situation with e.g. One person and they completely understand the context and situation, then you could talk to another person who completely misses the understanding of the topics you discuss, sometimes it's better to do almost like a list of questions and your answers to them, that then whoever reads the list, should understand your perspectives.

@Leafedplant

Lunaandhermoondragons

I am not ashamed nor perceive it as problematic to tell my husbands daughter that I do not like her mother/ am indifferent towards her if she ever wanted to ask me in that regard. It obviously doesn’t include my stepdaughter herself, and I would specifically make that clear.. but would not „embellish“ the opinion of her mother . If she was then biased or angry with me as a result.. so be it. Everyone is entitled to their emotions.

I hope your SDC never asks. I know how my DD would react in that situation and it would taint her relationship with you and her Dad. Honesty at any cost. I think your ILs and DH Ex are way to enmeshed, but I can't understand being happy to hurt your SD this way.

I find it quite unrealistic to expect everyone to get along with the people we happen to love. Her mother is after all an individual too, regardless of being her mother. I’m sure she isn’t friends with all of the acquaintances of her friends either. So I’m not trying to “hurt” her, but showing her that I’m entitled to choose with whom I have contact with or not based on my own preferences and additionally their behaviour towards me.

@Leafedplant

I find it quite unrealistic to expect everyone to get along with the people we happen to love. Her mother is after all an individual too, regardless of being her mother. I’m sure she isn’t friends with all of the acquaintances of her friends either. So I’m not trying to “hurt” her, but showing her that I’m entitled to choose with whom I have contact with or not based on my own preferences and additionally their behaviour towards me.

Which is completely understandable, I think the pickle in this particular situation is, how entwined the mother is with the family, and as it appears that your on the outside of the family, they seem to want one big happy family, rather than considering your perspectives and feelings.

That’s okay too! I do not mind being on the outside … I just wanted to set their opinion of me straight, if they dislike my approach then I won’t try to convince them otherwise. I tried for a while, but it’s also up to them to establish some common ground (since they are the ones who seem to want that relationship with me- at least superficially). And if I should have children with my husband at some point or another (not for a couple of years in any case) then they can reestablish the bond or not.. as it is right now, they clearly just need/want me out of practical reasons.

As everyone keeps saying “my husbands daughter and her grandparents won’t go anywhere” (which is undoubtedly true) So won’t I - my partner and I love each other so I’ll stick around for a long while. So they certainly get the opportunity to reach out 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m not resentful, simply protective over my own peace.

Have you any plans to have a family OP?

Yes, but I am only 28. Not for at least 4? Years I never wanted to be a young mother and make sure that I’m financially stable and generally happy with my arrangements before I give birth to a child.

@Leafedplant

That’s okay too! I do not mind being on the outside … I just wanted to set their opinion of me straight, if they dislike my approach then I won’t try to convince them otherwise. I tried for a while, but it’s also up to them to establish some common ground (since they are the ones who seem to want that relationship with me- at least superficially). And if I should have children with my husband at some point or another (not for a couple of years in any case) then they can reestablish the bond or not.. as it is right now, they clearly just need/want me out of practical reasons.

To clear up any misunderstanding id write a list of questions or points on what your perspectives and views are, then WhatsApp or email or write ect, to all people concerned then, there is no misunderstanding, no assuming between the other members of the family ect, then if they need further codification of your perspectives they can reply to you.

This was my initial plan .. to write an extensive message. To clarify my point of view - but I wonder whether it makes truly sense after reading the responses here. I also know that I wouldn’t have to send it to everyone involved 😅 since I already noticed that they are exchanging my messages behind my back with each other . They are very efficient there..

Well the responses have reassured me in any case.. I don’t feel the “urgency” to immediately react anymore. Or to come up with an ultimate solution

*your responses

@Leafedplant

Well the responses have reassured me in any case.. I don’t feel the “urgency” to immediately react anymore. Or to come up with an ultimate solution

That's understandable, but without any official response from yourself, there will I'm guessing be many assumptions made,