Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please

As are you OP.. so if that excludes them.. so be it 🌸

So you don't like them praising you?
When they have a close relationship with their GD's mother, I'd have thought them praising you for how you care for GD would be the ultimate compliment!

I agree with this.

I have to say, early on in the thread, I assumed the way you wrote was because you were using a second language, and a learned language can sometimes come across as being a bit stilted, but, having read your last few posts I am changing my thinking.
I am beginning to believe your MiL is a bit of a saint to continue to try to build a relationship with some as ungrateful and unwilling to build a relationship as you are.
I do think she oversteps the mark in trying to help you get along with your dh's ex, but the rest of it she sounds like she is doing her best to facilitate a good relationship with both her son's wife and also the mother of her grandchild, and you are really, really really being difficult and cold.

Did it never cross your mind that marrying someone with a young child does come with some expectations of being civil and making good efforts to be pleasant and friendly until there is good reason not to be ?

I think the key thing is whether your DH is upset by all this.

I understand why you don't want to bother with the ex, and are clear that you are not a mother figure to his DD, but are her father's wife.

However in your DH's shoes I'd be happier with some sort of relationship with his parents.

As others have said, maybe at your house where you are in control.

You seem to be concerned about being expected to 'explain yourself' which is understandable. They undoubtedly would ask, if they are like you describe.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy. Say that you are ok to spend some time with them but have no desire to see the ex as she is irrelevant to you. Say that from what they have said previously you don't feel that you can trust them not to engineer something. You'd rather not see them than have her thrust upon you.

They can then deal with that as they wish.

I don't think they can ask any more of you.
You have a good relationship with your DSD, your husband isn't complaining.

Well done on staying true to yourself. You seem the type who doesn't have false relationships for the sake of it. Good for you.

You are making this way more complicated then need be.

1. you married someone who has a child and ex and family - you will have to navigate this - the child will not disappear just because you married him. the child will grow up, get married have children etc - the relationship will not cease .. so be civil , be kind and do the birthdays, Christmases, special occasions as a wider group.
2. invite them over to your house - build a relationship with your PIL - why - because that is what mature adults do
3. You do not have to see the ex, but you will need to see her when it is time of wider family celebrations eg MIL birthday, the child's birthday - why because it is what mature adults do
4. I am a the grown child of a similar scenario - the adults in my life acted maturely and we had lots of join celebrations eg my birthday, easter etc, and in hindsight it could not have been easy on my parents and step parents at time, but over time it got easier and it was the mature things to do.
5. you dont have to socialise regularly with the ex at all, but you do need to be civil and understand you did not marry him in isolation, but you married your husband and his history ( a child, parents and ex) and he married yours...
6. no need to be best friends, but if you have not invited his parents over, no wonder they keep on inviting you to their house -build a mature seperate relationship with them at your house, where you control who is there.

Sorry if this is blunt, but dont overcomplicate this. You dont need to be a stepmom, but you do need to act welcoming to his child and his parents and you have a right for boundaries, but it is hard to enforce those if you dont reach out in some way to his parents etc.. so invite then over and have dinner etc - take control of the situation in a positive way.

just going to add, apologies for the rushed message - my keyboard is playing up, and I am just about to go out. good luck with it all - no need to be best friends or even close, but build some bridges and take positive control. (assuming that your husband wants all of this as this is his family and child)

Your comment/typing was fine. But I do not think That I’m obliged to sacrifice my own comfort for someone else’s .. that I have to act like a martyr simply because my partner happens to have a child, which is by the way happy and so is my partner. So I‘m hardly being immature. He was upset for „me“ not for his mother, potential family bond or the ex. I didn’t ask him to pick sides, but he independently thinks that his family is being rude to me and therefore feels „embarrassed“ that they don’t appreciate me for who I am. So no, we do not have any problems in that regard.. he’s very much supportive and understanding.

I also do not think that everyone has to participate in large family gatherings, simply because it’s a „common custom“. No one hardly ever talks there, at least about nothing with substance.. so it’s only about throwing everyone superficially into one pot and seemingly have them together. I‘d rather invite my mother in law separately for a lunch if it was her birthday .. or celebrated our own little Christmas (which we do), I do not need to join collective ones.

Thank you CommanderBurnham for acknowledging my point of view. Exactly, I generally don’t force relationships- and the few I have a very close. So I see no point in going into something which wouldn’t be authentic nor pleasant.

*are

Wow you really don't put yourself out for anyone do you. It's okay having boundaries but lady, you are building walls.

I feel like there’s loads of cultural clashes going on here.

It’s really normal for gift receivers to say thank you to one half on a couple. Thank you cards etc aren’t the norm and not sending them isn’t bad etiquette.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your husbands daughter which is nice.

No the MIL shouldn’t have tried to push you to be friends with the ex, but they’ve probably offered her a lot of support over the years and still offer childcare so I imagine they just thought it would be nice if you could be relaxed in each other’s company. She’s not a threat to you, it just shouldn’t be a problem if you bump into each other.

If you have children, your children with consider DH’s child a sibling, so it would be good if you weren’t so hostile about the ex - their mother!

Whether you wanted to marry or not, you did and it just comes across as really naive that you think it’s fine to have so little contact with your husbands family - what will you do when your own children adore their nanny and grandad? Or heaven forbid, you need some of the childcare they seem happy to offer their grandchildren.

I don’t know whether this is an age thing or a culture clash but you really seem very selfish and easily offended.

Hi Op please don't listen to the majority of posts on this thread. You have every right not to socialise with the ex-wife and should not be put in that situation.
You clearly like and enjoy being with your dsc.
This does not mean you have to do the parent work but on MN stepmothers are expected to put up and shut up.
As long as you are loving and welcoming to the child then you are a good person.
Do not be manipulated by Mil. You married your dh not his family.
Best wishes for your future.

Honestly I'm baffled by these answers. You have done nothing wrong.

Have them round absolutely. Without DSD if you want to have an open conversation.

Tell them why you will not be coming to theirs. Explain that you think it's lovely that they love their first DIL so much but you really aren't keen on her and will not be present when she is. That you don't want to make a fuss and make them to have to choose so the status quo seems like a good option.

I would assume whatever you say will be fed back to DIL1 so choose your words carefully.

Has your DH ever told his DM that you would all prefer to see them without his ex there? That should really be the first step. They are more likely to accept it coming from him than from you, and as their son he can be blunter than you could be.

@Guineapigbridge

Wow you really don't put yourself out for anyone do you. It's okay having boundaries but lady, you are building walls.

Yep. You are actually quite stunningly selfish. You can't seem to see a point of view other than your own.

The social nicety of saying thank you is important to you. But you seem to have no concept at all of day to day polite and comfortable social interaction between adults who are related by marriage.

Your refusal to have any interaction or relationship with your PILs, even without the ex, is really very rude and anti-social. Far more so than someone not saying thank you personally. Your DSD needs the adults in her life to have a comfortable relationship, but you refuse to bend in any way.

But I am not „an adult in my partner’s daughter‘s life“, or rather do not have to function as a role model. I can be like any of my husband‘s friends.. do they have to associate with the ex and endure artificial constellations? I think not. Neither my husband nor his daughter are suffering or deprived in any way - and she will/ can also accept that I do not want to engage with her mother… because her mother is her mother.. and not everyone else’s. People sometimes do not like each other regardless of their „relations“ and that’s okay.

Feck me the majority of replies here are bonkers & in complete contrast to the usual response to having firm boundaries in place. I wonder how it would go if it was the DH trying to force a relationship with his ridiculous ex, very different I suspect 🙄 I sometimes think this place is an alternative universe it almost sounds like the DM wants a friggin all singing & dancing harem for her boy, because no other way is expecting such close contact & friendship between ExW & current wife normal

OP you sound like you really know yourself & where your boundaries are. Well done, some people take a lifetime to get there, some never do. You've done it & take no heed of those who don't understand having such strong boundaries & still letting people walk all over them

No you don't have to make more effort at all. The MIL is massively overstepping by trying to force a relationship between you & his exW, how friggin dare she!!

Get your DH to step up & tell her she's out of order. It's not you who is the problem, but his MIL & ExW, I mean what kind of ExW would think this acceptable behaviour, other than a manipulative one who enjoys the power she has over the new wife & loves the power dynamic

You are right not to put up with this shit ... but your DH needs to step up on your behalf

But I am not „an adult in my partner’s daughter‘s life“,

Of course you are!

Not the same as her parents, no. But you have a role, by virtue of being married to her dad.

You have made everything overly complicated. Are you saying you don't have your ILs over to your house regularly for meals, coffee etc, in 3 years of marriage? 😳

And you are way over-thinking the gift thing.

Ican be like any of my husband‘s friends..

You're his wife, not just a friend.

Singingintheshithouse- thank you very much 😅 I find it bizarre that everyone keeps bringing my husbands daughter up.. or my husband himself. As if I‘d have to live in an idealistic commune.. that it’s my responsibility to fulfill each and everyone’s unrealistic wishes? .. even though my husband and her are more than content, just the surrounding (fully grown) adults aren’t.

I mean what kind of ExW would think this acceptable behaviour, other than a manipulative one who enjoys the power she has over the new wife & loves the power dynamic

The socialising with ex suggestion is odd. However you are misrepresenting the situation. The DH married this woman when she got pregnant after a one-night stand & the marriage lasted 6 months.

OP is married 3 years.

It's not the dynamic you describe at all.

OP shows no interest in her posts in creating a relationship with her ILs

I completely understand you don't want a relationship with EW.

However to not have a relationship with the inlaws is odd. They haven't really done anything wrong aside from inviting EW over. All that needed was a "sorry, I'm not willing to meet her". And then you continue to see inlaws separately from her.

What happens if you have your own children? Will they see inlaws?

In regards to his daughter. He has very close friend group who see his daughter just as often as I . Of course I am not just a friend to my partner/husband .. but I‘m a friend to his daughter.

It's wierd that his friends see his daughert the same amount as you do considering you live with him, and presumably the friends don't.