Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

No

Never explain, just do. If you want to distance yourself, just distance yourself. No explanations necessary.

But if you want to endear yourself to his family then go out of your way to ask them questions. About their life, their opinion on things, what their favourite recipe is, whatever. They're going though a kind of grief in losing their old daughter in law, and they may be disappointed that their son has racked up a failed marriage. They're allowed to feel those feelings. All you can do is be your lovely self and they'll come to love you too.

I think I get it now. They invite EW plus granddaughter to family gatherings, and you feel uncomfortable being there? You don't like the mother of your step child so avoid all contact? Your inlaws don't know you don't like her and you want to explain?

If this is the case I'd stay as you are.

Most people would probably suck up not liking the mum for the odd family gathering to keep the relationship smooth. You aren't willing to do that so I'd just stay away.

This is your DH's family. To entirely disengage from them is unfair to him, unless they do something beyond the pale.

It's fine for you not to want to go to events where the ex is going to be present, but you clearly don't want to invite them to yours or to go out somewhere with them. So it's not really about the ex, is it? you just want to not engage with them, and I think that's unfair.

My inlaws were lovely people, but I didn't expect personal thanks from them if they'd already acknowledged the gift through my DH. He'd have come home and said "Mum and Dad really liked your gift" or "Mum and dad said thanks, they thought it was lovely" and I'd have said "Great, I'm glad"

I don't see why DH isn't just saying to his DP's "When you have a get together, you always invite ex, and that makes Leafed uncomfortable. Maybe one time you could leave ex off the guest list so that you get to know Leaf better"

@Leafedplant

Yes, I shall be trying this. Everyone seems to suggest that I should invite them over to our place or go out with elsewhere… I am not going to lie, I struggle to create those light atmospheres without expressing my honest opinion..or trying to explain myself (I really dislike to be mistreated for no apparent reason) .. but I cannot find a better solution (other than going separate ways) either.

You seem to be expecting a lot from them, and nothing of yourself.

You want them to change what they do for you, but you don't want to change to adapt to them.

No, you must have misunderstood me. I meant that I’m willing to try to invite them over or go out for a dinner with them. I’m not opposed to attempting it.. I personally dislike to pretend that everything is simple/fine, due to past incidences in which I felt somewhat mistreated, but I will try. And to respond to Hercisback- it’s not just events. The ex wife visits them about 5? Times per week (almost every single day) because she dropps her daughter off, or regarding other things - I’m not entirely sure, as I stay away. But yes, I’m obviously doing that already and did not expect anyone to rearrange their relationships/ structure for me. It made me simply uncomfortable that they wanted me to blend into something I’m personally not interested in … and got angry in the aftermath, seem to think that I’m unreasonably distant.

Listen, it's DH's problem.

How does he feel about his parents relationship with the ex?

If his parents are that bothered then DH can host tea at your place.

Well done for keeping your boundaries. If you are happy with things the way they are, and you do not want anything to do with the ex wife then that's your prerogative. If they want a relationship with you then they need to make an effort.

Wow, 29 and already on second marriage of 3 years?

So you believe that they probably think you're being unreasonably distant.

The fact is that you are being distant. Primarily because you don't want to spend time with his ex, but also because of incidents of mistreatment.

You're not going to be able to break the relationship they have with the ex, so you have to decide whether the incidents of mistreatment were ill intended or misinterpreted. If the former, then you have good reason to remain distant. If they were a misunderstanding then maybe, for the sake of your DH and SC, you should make an attempt to put them behind you and start anew at building a friendly relationship.

@pommepommefrites

Wow, 29 and already on second marriage of 3 years?

Any chance you could hike your judgy pants any higher...? It can happen when couples marry very young and then mature and grow apart.

Pommepommefrites- his first marriage wasn’t really a marriage nor a relationship. He accidentally got her pregnant when she was 18 and he only 21? And then was pressured into a marriage with a one night stand while he was very much confused/depressed (by his parents and her) - the marriage didn’t last longer than 6 months. I’m not even going to defend his past choices/mistakes- I do not understand them either, but they don’t represent him as a person. He was young and naive and I’ll never receive a better explanation I’m afraid . I wasn’t especially fond of marrying either (I’m very much progressive/pragmatic) but eventually agreed due to me moving to his country .. it made a lot of paperwork and hindrances easier. We obviously love each other, regardless of whether we are married or not. In fact I don’t even refer to him as my husband- but partner in our private lives, I slightly was paranoid about someone coincidentally reading this post and figuring out about who I am talking about, so did not want to openly share all of my values and specific circumstances.

They aren't going to cut her out though op it's their granddaughters mother. You sound highly strung a thankyou card they said thankyou to your dh that's enough surely, they haven't mistreated in regards to what you've already stated unless I've missed something. The fact your only young and on your 2nd marriage does suggest that you come across as hardwork. These people raised your dh you should invite them around and be civil at the very least.

Sorry didn't realise it was his second marriage not yours. He was a grown man 3 years old than her the fact your making excuses about him being pressured into marrying an 18 year old is appalling.

I’m not on my second marriage. He is.

OP,

This is your husband's family and HIS problem.

YANBU, continue as you are and say nothing.

I presume you have explained to your husband that you have zero wish to be in his ex wife's company so will give family gatherings that she attends a miss.

It is up to his mother to continue to invite her to everything.

Do not be bullied.

Invite your in laws to your home if you wish but don't be forced to suck it up and attend any gatherings if you don't wish to.

How long was your husband married to his ex?

If he's 29, not long?

I don't think it is unreasonable that she not be at every single gathering, but that is their choice, as it is yours to not join them.

Sounds like you're just going to have to tell them @Leafedplant.

Let us know how it goes.

They sound like nice people who supported a young mother and continue to do so in terms of their granddaughter.

Just socialise with them separately 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m not making excuses for him- I have simply sympathy. I know what he emotionally went through, but don’t worry, I’m equally critical in that regard, so don’t perceive it only as black and white. Him and I discussed the topic often enough.. but at the end of the day it’s his past and not mine. So I only expect him to not force people onto me, with whom I disagree with. And he respects this- not so much his mother nor ex wife though.

Thank you! I will

They sound decent enough. I'm assuming they see EW daily due to childcare so they actively want a role in their grandchilds life.

I can't make out what you are most bothered by; the contact with EW or the perceived slights/actions towards you? What have they actually done (aside from not say a personal thank you).

It does seem a bit rude from you that you're seemingly not even trying to build a relationship with the inlaws. What if you have your own children together?

Your DH has got your poor ILs doing a lot of his share of parenting.

From their point of view, maybe they see you as a stepmother who needs to step up?

How is your relationship with your stepdaughter? Does DH step up as a father? Are you a family unit?

@Twinkie01

They sound like nice people who supported a young mother and continue to do so in terms of their granddaughter.

Just socialise with them separately 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. Invite them to yours or for an outing when you have DSC. Boundaries are understandable, but I can't see they've done anything that justifies cutting his family out, that would be really unfair to your DH.

I think given ExW age and lack of relationship with her DC's father it's understandable how involved the ILs are. If you're calling her manipulative because of the marriage I think you should consider the fact she was just 18, pregnant and probably scare about the future and how she'd cope.

@Twinkie01

They sound like nice people who supported a young mother and continue to do so in terms of their granddaughter.

Just socialise with them separately 🤷🏻‍♀️

This!

If they are doing childcare (you say she drops the LO off every day) then they are going to see her. Yet you - from what you have posted so far - do not sound as if you are willing to make and effort to get to know them and build the relationship.

I think you're perpetuating the difference between you and the ex wife. I totally understand that you don't want to go to theirs when the ex is there but why wouldn't you invite them over for Sunday lunch for instance, so you get to know each other more? They are your DH's parents.

This ^
I can't believe you have been married for 3 years and you have not put any effort into building a relationship with your dh's family. Nor, from your replies to these suggestion, do you intend to.

I get that it isn't appropriate for your dh's ex to be at family occasions, but, if you aren't prepared to be, then she might as well be.

I do not need to step up as stepmother? She has both of her parents still and her grandparents enjoy spending time with her, which is the reason why she is as often over. My partner has her on a weekly basis on set days and randomly in between, with and without my in laws. I’m not even sure why I am responding to this specific comment , since it wasn’t part of my initial question. We (my partner and I) always agreed on that I do not need to be a “motherly” figure, she and I are very good friends. She calls me her best friend even - and I’m more than content with that. In fact, this is the reason why I felt pressured in the first place.. his parents did not acknowledge me as an individual but someone who had to fulfil a certain purpose. I entered my relationship since I loved/love my husband and not because I wanted to become a mother to someone else’s child. My autonomy is out of question.. yes, something that my in laws should accept too.

Luna- I’m not calling her manipulative because of the past- but the current events and her behaviour + expectations towards my partner and I. Her involvement regarding situations that should not concern her, yet she feels entitled to intrude due to the relationship between my in laws and her. It’s very much condescending and inappropriate actually, but I do not want to go into those details.