Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

You sound very prickly.

What purpose do/did your inlaws have for you?

I think you're perpetuating the difference between you and the ex wife.

This.

Your PILs are dealing with two women that are connected with their son. One of them is (presumably) friendly and relaxed with them, and enjoys their company. One of them has made it clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with them.

Nothing will change or get better when you don't give them the chance to get to know you and like you. In fact things will get even more polarised.

Your DH needs to explain to his DPs that it's uncomfortable for you to be around at family get-togethers with his ex, and you need to be warmer and more welcoming in your approach to them.

I don't know if English is your second language, but you write in a very very formal way. If it's your first language, then (sorry) you sound very buttoned up and somewhat cold. Maybe that's what's getting in the way of your relationship with them?

I get that it isn't appropriate for your dh's ex to be at family occasions, but, if you aren't prepared to be, then she might as well be.

Exactly.

Yes, I’m not a native English speaker.. but I guess that’s also part of my culture- Me not being automatically/ instantly affectionate, doesn’t mean that I am buttoned up. I’m simply cautious .. I didn’t say that I needed to be invited to family gatherings either. I wanted to do my in laws a favour, after complaining about absence and try to find a reasonable solution for everyone involved. Once again- I’m not trying to separate anyone or have any expectations, did not need a “thank you card” - yet it wasn’t an impersonal gift-basket, but a rather personal/thoughtful gesture, so I was slightly taken aback when I realised (I also considered this “peace treaty” - me trying to bond) that they had barely interacted with the present and responded several days later in a very forced way. I would have genuinely preferred no reaction .. since I did not know what to say after that.

*as a

I still can't fathom what they have done "wrong" apart from not say thank you?

Which is the reason why I wondered whether I should clarify my standpoint - whether it’s worth to express my perspective and assure them that I have nothing against them personally. But then trying to force me into a position I do not want to be in and expecting me to have a relationship with the ex wife. I’m saying “them” even though it’s actually just my mother in law, my father in law stepped up for me on several occasions and told his wife that her planning and forced-bonding isn’t exactly sustainable and very much unfair. That he understands me refusing certain requests .. but that’s equally uncomfortable, since it isn’t my intention my cause any division between my husbands parents either.

*to cause

They asked me to their house a couple of times in the past, saying that they would like to go for dinner. And then my mother in law spontaneously invited my husbands ex- wife “It would be nice if you get to know each other” - my entire relationship with them revolved around them trying to forcing me into bonding with the ex or praising my “motherly skills” towards their granddaughter. It makes me highly uncomfortable ..

*force

I think you should do what you feel you want to do.
If you want to clarify to them the reasons go ahead.
I can see your view and I would also pull away from in-laws that were like your DHs.

I'm not saying you have to step up as a stepmother, but that maybe there is an expectation from them for you to be involved?

You are happy with things as they are so just say so.

I am in a similar situation- my MIL wants me to be more involved but it all has to be on her terms. She doesn't visit, we have to go to hers, so that when we do everything we do is what she wants to do/eat etc. She's not interested in me, my well being, my opinion or my health. It's all about her. So I don't go. It's a real shame and not something I'm proud of.

Everything @saraclara said.

They asked me to their house a couple of times in the past, saying that they would like to go for dinner. And then my mother in law spontaneously invited my husbands ex- wife “It would be nice if you get to know each other”

At which point I would have said "Ooh, lovely, yes, I'd love to go for dinner and for us to get to know each other better, but at the moment, I'm not ready to start a relationship with {insert name}, so let's keep it just the four of us this time. Now, when are you free?"

The whole present thing is not what you need to focus on. I genuinely can't see what they are supposed to have done wrong here. I would assume a present from my ds and DiL was just that - a present from the two of them. They thanked the one half of the couple that was there. The one that was willing to actually meet with them,and he shared that thanks with you when he got home. I would not expect them to then separately contact you even without you being so unfriendly to thank you separately.

I think you’re being awkward and aloof and that’s fine - you don’t have to be friends with anyone, you have a perfect right to hate them all but just own it. Don’t try to justify it and make out that they’re bad people for wanting family unity. You are part of a blended family after all, whether you like it not.

The more I think about it, I can't believe that in 3 years of marriage (and presumably all the preparation for the wedding beforehand, even if not in the 'going out years' before the proposal) you've not suggested having them over for a meal, or going out for a meal, or invited them to something you are doing they might enjoy, or spending time together in any way. It is just bizarre. (By 'you', I mean 'you' as a couple, not solely you as an individual).

@Leafedplant

They asked me to their house a couple of times in the past, saying that they would like to go for dinner. And then my mother in law spontaneously invited my husbands ex- wife “It would be nice if you get to know each other” - my entire relationship with them revolved around them trying to forcing me into bonding with the ex or praising my “motherly skills” towards their granddaughter. It makes me highly uncomfortable ..

Okay. That is really not your MIL's role and she is definitely overstepping. So yes, your DH needs to step in and remind her that it's not her business to decide that you two need to be friends, and that she's not to invite the ex without his and your say so.

If when you're in touch with MIL and she invites you round, ask who's going to be there. And if she asks why, explain that you feel that ex's presence interferes with your ability to build your own relationship with them, as well as feeling awkward.

my entire relationship with them revolved around them trying to forcing me into bonding with the ex or praising my “motherly skills” towards their granddaughter. It makes me highly uncomfortable

So you don't like them praising you?
When they have a close relationship with their GD's mother, I'd have thought them praising you for how you care for GD would be the ultimate compliment!

I was living abroad during my university years/dating phase , we were having a long distance relationship and due to the minimum amount of time together, pretty much spent it separately.. also because of the previous bonding attempts I just named. We didn’t marry publicly - neither of us wanted to marry for the sake of marrying (since we do not believe in the social construct per se, but in order to make the transition/ immigration process easier). So his family wasn’t involved.

You don't need to have a relationship with anyone you're not comfortable with. Your MIL sounds vile and clearly has issues with boundaries. I wouldn't bother explaining or inviting her over. Let your DH have that conversation with them if he wants to. She won't change, she won't be able to see your point of view, she'll just make you feel bad, don't bother you don't need it in your life.

I don’t like being praised for a functional purpose.. no. I could tell it was always with the intention in mind to integrate me into their already existing structure- but not even as an „equal“ but inferior role. His ex wife and mother ideally would have wanted me to add my traits and time into the mixture. Which I find highly inconsiderate? My partners daughter has two devoted parents and equally devoted grandparents… „you could teach her your language, go with her to the museum, do this and that“ - don’t get me wrong, I do those things occasionally voluntarily. But I am not their aupair?

Thank you!

Wow, so you didn’t marry him for love but to help the immigration process? And you don’t want to bond with his child or his family?

Eh? I do love him very much- we married so we could easier stay together. Not for the marriage itself.. no one was „used“, it was a mutual/reasonable decision. I am bonding and spending time with his child on my own terms too. As I said, she calls me her best friend and I see her frequently also. But I am not her mother.

I do not want to be defined by the relationship with his daughter either. I obviously do like her - but want to be treated as an individual .. and am not some practical addition who could potentially educate the granddaughter, while several of my personal values are very much disregarded and ridiculed. Which is the reason why I don’t take any responsibility in parenting her. She has two parents and if she was my child I’d obviously raise her differently/ in my own way.

Your DSD is going to be in your life for as long as your husband is, and his parents will be for many years as well. I understand how uncomfortable you feel about his ex right now, but in the long term it will get easier. Please don't burn any bridges by telling them how you feel - it might be something you will come to regret later on.

My partner doesn’t have any issues with this either by the way. He really likes how I engage with her, enjoys our talks and time together. So it’s only his mother and ex who are trying to „exploit me“ demand that I do it under their conditions.