Should I be honest with my mother in law?

[Leafedplant]

My husband (29)m recently told me (28)f that my mother in law is supposedly upset about our lack of contact. We are married since 3 years and I already noticed that she was behaving differently, after I gifted them rather thoughtful presents and didn’t receive a personal “thank you” .. which is partially my fault, since I didn’t voice my reasoning for withdrawing and keeping to myself until now. My husbands ex wife is very much involved in their lives, regularly over and I personally decided to disengage in that regard. I am still indirectly involved due to my stepdaughter but specifically do not want to stumble into her mother, she is very manipulative and demanding..I simply want to live my own life. Should I be honest and tell my mother in law that I have nothing against them personally , obviously respect that they are entitled to be in contact with anyone they please, but do not want to be forced into artificial situations/ relationships I’m personally not interested in? I do not need a positive response either.. but want to be understood.

*or assumptions that continue to be made

OMG there is a child involved. You are an adult. I'm sure you can organise most situations to support your husband and this child without withdrawing totally. Grow up.

So he didn't want to marry his first wife and his second wife didn't want to marry him? I feel a bit sorry for him.

I understand the desire to form your own family group and its not unreasonable. However it seems like they do a lot of afterschool childcare so as they are in and out of each others lives so much, I think it would be difficult for them not to invite the ex to certain get togethers. If you don't want to go to your ILs house, don't go. Leave him, his ex and his child to have a nice time there on their own. I'm sure your DH can take any children you have to their house or go out with his ex and his other child for the day.

I often find that people who have a need to speak do it for their own gratification rather than to reach an end goal. If your going to speak about, tread carefully. Personally I'd try calling round when you know she's not there, or having them over, or taking them out. Maybe on the weekends when your husband has custody so th ex doesn't need to come.

Portidgealert:
My husband does not want any contact with the ex either- beyond the parental responsibilities of course. So they take out and spend time with their daughter separately.. there wouldn’t be any reason for my husband to take any of our potential future children with him, since he is either with me or his daughter or the both of us in any case. 🤷🏼‍♀️ And he doesn’t believe in festive aspects of marriages either.. or the public approval. We both agreed that we did it out of practical reasons… it doesn’t diminish our relationship?

Then if the daughter is alone with you and your DH, why don't you go round to your ILs then and form a family bond that way?

We are having a very happy relationship otherwise. He and I are very supportive towards each other and he doesn’t see a fault in my perspectives, rather the contrary. So there is no need to have sympathy with him or his daughter- we are doing great 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Because we are a couple and not a „family“. I‘m not his daughter‘s mother but her friend, I do not constantly want to be reduced to such. (Which is only reinforced by my mother in law and his ex by the way, everyone else seems to cope wonderfully with our arrangement… including my husbands daughter)

Please don't tell your DSD that you don't like her mother. You might be able to handle that sort of thing, as you seem to have an almost robotic level of logic. But 99% of children/young people would be very upset by that, and your relationship with DSD would be badly affected.

Even as an adult, if one of my friends/my mum's friends/my mum's partner said they didn't like my father, I'd be really upset.

Yes, strange.. I genuinely wouldn’t take it personally, if someone didn’t like my mother, husband, best friend or anyone else who I love… I wouldn’t join into gossiping about them of course and still be thoroughly loyal towards them, but certainly would not be offended by personal preferences.

I never intended to parade it around, but would obviously be honest with her if she ever directly asked me.

@Leafedplant

I never intended to parade it around, but would obviously be honest with her if she ever directly asked me.

I cannot emphasise enough what a terrible idea this would be

My relationship between my husbands daughter and I wasn’t part of the initial debate in any case 😅! I‘m quite confident in what I am doing there and most children very much like me.. believe it or not, because I do not Baby them. I never liked how most adults treated me as a child , since I wanted to be taken seriously, and that’s how I am acting around her 🤷🏼‍♀️ she seems to appreciate it at lot and therefore confides in me. She generally comes to me first whenever she has a problem (before her mother and father even).

I wouldn't be offering any written explanation to be passed around the family for regurgitation.

Enjoy your space and see his parents on your terms.

Eventually it may occur to your MIL just how obtuse she was thinking it was HER position to try and foist a relationship between her son's ex wife and new wife.

She should butt out of her sons relationships and stick to being polite/neutral to both women and focus on her relationship with her Granddaughter.

She doesn't know you, and IMO was extremely presumptuous to be telling a new wife she needs to socialise with her son's ex wife.🙄

I was asking regarding talking to my mother in law or not.. my husbands daughter is fine. 🤷🏼‍♀️ And not part of the problem

@billy1966 thank you! that’s what I‘m thinking at this point also. 🙋🏼‍♀️

I think you need to ask your husband to make it clear to them that you don't want to socialise with his ex but you'd like to meet them occasionally for a meal or have them round to yours.

I can understand you feeling of not wanting to get involved with your partners family. I went out with a man for a year but resisted in being introduced to his family and did not introduce him to mine. I told him that it was him I wanted the relationship with, not his family. I could tell from things that happened that his mother was pushy and that he tended to kowtow.

He ended the relationship because he said I was forcing him to choose - if you reject my family you are rejecting part of me. No, you are a whole human being and not an add on.

@simitra exactly! Fortunately my husband always assured me in that regard. He doesn’t care whether I have relationships with anyone, except his daughter (but also under my own terms). He independently insists that I’ll always have my autonomy and that it is in his best interest to support me there 🤷🏼‍♀️ Considering how much he loves and respects me. I’m not going to lie, I find his family situation difficult .. but I have thankfully a very reliable and loyal partner who makes it worth it. Especially since I can control how much I am going to engage with them.. as we have collectively established now!

I never forced him to choose either 🙋🏼‍♀️ I’m not preventing him from any relationship within and outside of his family. The only thing he cannot expect is that I am becoming anyone’s puppet. But that’s purely hypothetical in any case, since I never gave me any reason to worry there..

*he -I

Would you have socialised with them had they not still been involved with his ex?

I would even socialise with them “while” they are involved with the ex. It’s their business not mine. Unfortunately they don’t grant me the same freedom, but pressure me to bond with the ex + fulfil their manufactured mother 2.0 role.

So I see no point in going into something which wouldn’t be authentic nor pleasant.
You mean like getting married, when you weren't interested in getting married ?

Everything @TolkiensFallow said at 06:40
Everything @saraclara said at 07:26 and 14:38

However I disagree with posters saying you can marry a man with a small child and not be a step mother. Yes, you can choose to stay at arm's length if you marry someone with grown up children though not sure why that would be your aim but there are just too many occasions when you will be making life incredibly difficult for your dh, and I'm not sure why you would want to do that.
I also disagree that you can only have a relationship with your spouse and nothing with all the other people he loves. Once again, this means he will constantly have to choose between you and everyone else he loves every single Christmas, holiday, birthday, anniversary, wedding, Christening or whatever you have in your culture.

But I am not „an adult in my partner’s daughter‘s life“, or rather do not have to function as a role model. I can be like any of my husband‘s friends.
Of course you can't. If you are married to and live with a small child's Dad, then you are in a very different relationship with that small child than a friend. You are a permanent and close adult.

Everything @Bluntness100 said at 8:38

The marriage is formality - which I stated several times by now. Him and I married privately out of practical reasons.. so I don’t understand why everyone is applying random social obligations to it, which neither of us perceives as necessary. It is also interesting that you assume that I’m the only “anti- social” person here .. my husband and I never celebrate our birthdays, anniversary’s nor “christenings” (atheists) 🤷🏼‍♀️ Mine is in a couple of days actually and the extent of it is going to a museum I like, watching a theatre show together or have a stroll somewhere in nature. We rarely have any collective gatherings (he doesn’t like them either) he occasionally attends his friends weddings (I don’t 🤷🏼‍♀️) and Christmas is spend privately.. the ex has his daughter for 1-2 days, and then she visits him/us afterwards

He never has to “choose” considering his disinterest in such festivities and even if he wanted to go then it’s up to them. I’m not entirely sure why you are defending his honour if he seems more than happy with his life and partner.