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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over Christmas (already)

236 replies

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:32

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSummer · 10/09/2021 04:35

Ditch him and spend Christmas with your mum.

SD1978 · 10/09/2021 04:37

Both of you have valid reasons, so spend it seperately and do your own Boxing Day.

Willthewashingeverend · 10/09/2021 04:44

Garden chairs and other random pieces of furniture squished around the table is part and parcel of Christmas, your partner is being too precious. Honestly in this situation I wouldn't be letting my mum spend Christmas alone. Can he not go and see his brothers in the morning and then come home with his parents for lunch with you and your mum? You could both prep dinner as much as possible the night before. Otherwise, ditch him and spend it with your mum.

Ragwort · 10/09/2021 04:45

The fact that he 'shouted' at you when you were having a discussion about Christmas and you had offered a perfectly acceptable 'compromise' solution spells volumes. Is he normally so unreasonable and unkind?

I would seriously be thinking about whether I really wanted someone like that in my life.

GAW19 · 10/09/2021 04:46

As much as you would like to spend it together I would 100% spend it with your mum.
She might really enjoy it, just being herself and you.
Do Christmas Day apart then go OTT on Boxing Day making it your own 'Christmas day' Smile
Don't let him make you feel guilty Thanks

GAW19 · 10/09/2021 04:47

And as for the garden chairs, my Grandad used to use wallpaper tables and all sorts to fit the whole 32 of us in his house for Christmas Day haha

givinglessfucksdaily · 10/09/2021 04:48

Why don't you and the other capable family members host Xmas at his mums and have your mum there too
No hassle for any elderly relative / perfect dining chairs / brothers and children / no one left on their own

Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:50

Thanks everyone - I wasn't expecting so many replies at this time of night!

OP posts:
LegendaryReady · 10/09/2021 04:50

All the best Christmases involve people squeezed around a slightly too small table on mismatched chairs. You can never have more than 2 guests?!

Definitely spend Christmas with your mum, but you know this goes deeper than Christmas

LegendaryReady · 10/09/2021 04:51

At my Grandparents' we used to have planks of wood across 2 chairs, then 2 chairs could seat 4!

Joystir59 · 10/09/2021 04:52

I echo what a pp said, you go to your mum and he goes to his family..

Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:54

@LegendaryReady - you are right, this does goes deeper than Christmas. We are going through a rocky patch at the moment and the common theme seems to be that I either have to roll over and agree with what he wants otherwise he tells me I am argumentative and don't love or care about him which is completely not the case.

I have tried explaining that this is not a matter of not wanting to spend it with family, I love his family but it is about not wanting my mum to be on her own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:56

Haha planks of wood across chairs! I want to come to your granddads house for Xmas!

OP posts:
TubeOfSmarties · 10/09/2021 04:56

What kind of dickhead would leave a recently widowed close relative on her own for Christmas day because a chair won't match?

PennyWus · 10/09/2021 04:58

Get yourself and DH a healthy dose of Christmas spirit and remember it is the season of goodwill!

The solution is very simple.

First check if The Brothers want to do Christmas together - they may have plans to see partners' families etc. If so then it's a non-argument and you can host (ignore idiotic chair issue).

If brothers DO want a joint Christmas, then ask PIL if your mum can join you all. That's what I do with my widowed mum (well, PIL always offer, which is absolutely lovely). And you and DH should offer to help with the Christmas dinner prep and clear up, no need for the olds to do all the heavy-lifting.

If PIL say no, then say sadly you won't be able to come as you won't leave your mum alone at Christmas when she is recently bereaved. Then let your miserable DH spend his Christmas with his miserable parents and have a lovely time with your mum.

Regarding your mum Christmasing altogether with your PIL, yes it is a break with tradition, but my mum found her Christmas memories far too painful after my dad died, so making a big change enabled her to re-engage in Christmas in a new way.

Don't let the argument fester, it is hardly what Jesus would have wanted for his birthday party, is it?

Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 05:02

@PennyWus thanks for a very sensible suggestion, I will try and talk to him about it tomorrow. I do feel like he hasn't bothered to find out what his parents or brothers would like to do and has instead poo-poo'd my suggestion. Due to covid no one spent Christmas together last year as we were tier 4 so it is very much possible his brothers may want to spend it with their in-laws.

Wish me luck! Let's hope Jesus approves

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 05:11

I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all

There you have it. Make sure that, whatever happens, you spend Christmas with your mum.

Eviebeans · 10/09/2021 05:29

@givinglessfucksdaily - my life has become your user name

Eviebeans · 10/09/2021 05:33

I can remember Christmases when younger where all sorts of seats were used around the table. When did it become a thing that people expected to have restaurant type seating and service at Christmas time.
Only thing for sure is mum can't be left on her own on Christmas day.

southlondoner02 · 10/09/2021 05:39

If you don't have kids then you don't have to spend Christmas together. DP and I spent Christmas separately pre children. We spent all year together, and didn't really feel we needed to be together at Christmas.

That said it's worrying that he seems to have so little concern for your mum, or indeed your feelings

MyOtherProfile · 10/09/2021 05:40

He hasn't even found out what his parents or brothers want to do, yet is trying to block your mum (who absolutely needs you this Christmas) from joining in.

The problem isn't Christmas, it's his total lack of care and respect for you and your mum. I don't think you will be together by Christmas so I would be making separate plans already.

Divebar2021 · 10/09/2021 05:48

He sounds very bratty. Can I just ask how far the distances are between you all? Do his parents and your mum live some distance from each other? My in-laws live 5 hours away and my mum is 3 hours in the opposite direction so it’s definitely an either / or situation unless we hosted. Could your mum stay with you and travel with you to PIL for Christmas or are you staying there too. I know my mum wouldn’t let someone be on their own and quite frankly neither would I . ( shame you and your mum can’t go to Bali… that would be a surprise for DP Grin)

Bluetrews25 · 10/09/2021 05:58

He doesn't sound like a good DP.
He shouts at you and wants everything all his own way?
Please think about what you have written.
What's worse than being with the wrong partner for X years? Being with them for X years and one day. You don't have to stay with him.

Redsquirrel5 · 10/09/2021 06:24

My DD and her partner have a Christmas together with their friends then come up here and each go to their homes. The first time in 10 yrs they had Christmas together was in NZ while travelling, they are still there as they can’t get home.

Have you considered just going to your mum’s and let him go to his family?
I think he is being unreasonable as you have offered a solution. The matching chairs things is hilarious I would check eBay and second hand shops without telling him see if you can match one or put covers over them like a wedding 🤣 otherwise do what most people do and borrow one off your mum.

TheRebelle · 10/09/2021 06:25

He sounds dreadful, he’d rather your mum was alone at Christmas the first year after your DF died than have a mismatched chair. There’s plenty of time to go out and buy a new chair but I’d say his priorities are a bit out of whack.