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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over Christmas (already)

236 replies

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:32

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

OP posts:
Realyorkshiretea · 10/09/2021 08:44

@frozendaisy

Invite your mum to you Christmas Eve. Take your mum to his parent's house but go early and do the cooking so they aren't hosting as such, you, your partner and partner's brother do the work and let the oldies get pissed on champagne whilst "looking after the grandchildren"
Sounds like a lot of effort for OP, who deserves a Christmas break as well.
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/09/2021 08:46

"I suggested we find out what his brothers plans are and to at least ask if his parents if they would like to come to us and all keeps saying is that he thinks I am being selfish and trying to get my own way".

Its really his way or the highway here.

He is the one being selfish; he is merely projecting his own self onto you. He is not bothered about you at all I would also think that you have spent way too much time in the past either appeasing him or shutting down/out your own feelings so that he stays "happy". However, trying to appease such a person like described never works.

steppemum · 10/09/2021 08:49

there is no way your mum should be on her own this Christmas.

Growing up, we often ended up with both sets of grandparents on Christmas day.
Now, my SIL often brings her Mum along to our family Christmas (hosted by my brother) and she is on her own, we all know her well now and wouldn't have it any other way.

But this is really not about Christmas.

Time to rethink the whole relationship I think

traintraveller · 10/09/2021 08:52

You go to your mum and he goes to his family. There's no rule that says couples must spend Christmas day together.

MsSquiz · 10/09/2021 08:54

Ask him how he would feel if it was his mum in your mum's situation. Would he be happy with her being alone on Christmas Day?

If he's not happy compromising with your mum coming to you or everyone round to his parents, then tell him you will be spending the day with your mum and he can go where he likes.
If he tries to guilt you by saying how sad his parents will be, etc. Call his parents, in front of him and explain the situation. They will either say "of course your mum is welcome here too" or "of course you want to go to your mum" job done!

Gracesquirrel · 10/09/2021 08:58

You are not being unreasonable, however before this escalates any further have you checked with your mum she would want to be around people on her first christmas without your dad?

I ask because when my father died I was like you in being adamant my mum should spend it with us and not be alone and was then completely taken aback when my mum insisted that she wanted to be alone she didnt want to "celebrate" Xmas, she wanted to be left alone to do whatever she felt like, stay in her pj's and have a weep if thats how her mood took her she absolutely did not want anyone to be making her the focus and worrying about upsetting her nor did she want to be trying to put a brave face on things all day to avoid spoiling our and our son's Xmas etc. I hated it tbh and took a lot of convincing that it was what she really did want - but it was and in fact she did the same for the first 3 Xmas's after dad died.

I was never 100% comfortable with it but I did respect that it was what she wanted. Similarily when my MIL was widowed she too chose not to want to spend the first few Xmas's with family and booked to spend it on a cruise or overseas with her best friend.

So its worth checking with your mum what she wants before things ramp up with your partner.

vdbfamily · 10/09/2021 09:03

Have you actually asked your mum what she wants. My SIL wanted a quiet day on her own the Christmas after my brother died and her 2 boys spent morning with her and then came and joined the rest of us for family Christmas. She may be more than happy to be on her own and see you boxing Day. If she does not wish to be alone, I second the suggestion for your in laws to host but do none of the work. We do this with my parents who hosted for years. We give everybody different bits to prepare and it all comes together on the day. Mum still does the turkey and roast potatoes and we do all the trimmings. Hope it works out OP. Everyone is a bit Covid frazzled so be kind to yourself and DH. It is not wrong for him to want to be with his family.

FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 09:03

This man is not very nice, @Jinglebella1.

His disregard for your mum, his selfishness, his insistence on overriding your wishes and the way he talks to you are deeply concerning.

Are you quite sure he is the one for you...

SarahBellam · 10/09/2021 09:05

Your partner is a twat.

steppemum · 10/09/2021 09:07

@Gracesquirrel

You are not being unreasonable, however before this escalates any further have you checked with your mum she would want to be around people on her first christmas without your dad?

I ask because when my father died I was like you in being adamant my mum should spend it with us and not be alone and was then completely taken aback when my mum insisted that she wanted to be alone she didnt want to "celebrate" Xmas, she wanted to be left alone to do whatever she felt like, stay in her pj's and have a weep if thats how her mood took her she absolutely did not want anyone to be making her the focus and worrying about upsetting her nor did she want to be trying to put a brave face on things all day to avoid spoiling our and our son's Xmas etc. I hated it tbh and took a lot of convincing that it was what she really did want - but it was and in fact she did the same for the first 3 Xmas's after dad died.

I was never 100% comfortable with it but I did respect that it was what she wanted. Similarily when my MIL was widowed she too chose not to want to spend the first few Xmas's with family and booked to spend it on a cruise or overseas with her best friend.

So its worth checking with your mum what she wants before things ramp up with your partner.

this is true.

My Granny went overseas to stay with her brother in Canada for her first Christmas alone.
She wanted to do something completely different, something that she had never done with my Granddad.

We were surprised, but then realised it was a great thing to do.

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 10/09/2021 09:16

You are in an intimate relationship with a person who believes and has communicated to you that you are selfish for wanting to make sure your widowed mum is included in your festive plans, even though it's not at the expense of him spending time with his family. Is this a person you want to invest any more time in? Watch some Stephanie lyn on YouTube and see if any of her descriptions of narcissists ring any bells. He is not a kind person from the sounds of it and it would be a shame to share your few short years on this planet for someone who wants your mum to be alone on Christmas day

pussycatlickinglollyices · 10/09/2021 09:19

@Realyorkshiretea

‘Ok then DP, you go and enjoy Christmas with your family and I will spend it with my newly widowed mum. Thanks for showing me how little you care about her, I will remember this in future’.

Then spend a lovely quiet Christmas with your mum.

This is a classic example of how, generally, women are expected to care about their man’s family and consider their feelings, but not vice versa. In my experience, ‘he’ is more likely to show ‘her’ family the bare minimum of interaction while expecting ‘her’ to be best friends with him mum/sister.

I'd do this - but you need to have a chat with your Mum and made sure she's happy with it.
Heliachi · 10/09/2021 09:23

This reply has been deleted

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Sugarplumfairy65 · 10/09/2021 09:23

I would lose my shit with him over this. Is he always so selfish?

Notaroadrunner · 10/09/2021 09:26

@southlondoner02

If you don't have kids then you don't have to spend Christmas together. DP and I spent Christmas separately pre children. We spent all year together, and didn't really feel we needed to be together at Christmas.

That said it's worrying that he seems to have so little concern for your mum, or indeed your feelings

This would be my take on it. You go to your mum and let him piss off and spend Christmas wherever he wants. And yes, I would be reconsidering a relationship with a man who would think so little of my feelings after a bereavement. It's not even a year since your dad died and he's only thinking about himself.
HeronLanyon · 10/09/2021 09:27

When taking to your mum don’t let in that there is any potential problem or she is likely or might not say what she would really like. Find out and then move from there.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 09:28

Why don't you book to all go out for Xmas lunch? That way nobody's left out and you don't have the issue of space.

bigbaggyeyes · 10/09/2021 09:28

Does he really expect your recently widowed mother to spend Christmas alone? Even if I wasn't keen on my mil there's no way I'd let her spend Christmas Day on her own.

I agree, he either finds a way to include your dm or you have Xmas separately, there's no what on this Earth I'd leave my mum alone over Christmas

Palavah · 10/09/2021 09:33

If you do end up spending Christmas Day alone with your mum I'd be tempted to treat yourselves to lunch at a lovely restaurant or hotel.

MindyStClaire · 10/09/2021 09:34

Fucking hell. I've only read your posts OP so apologies if the conversation has moved on.

My dad died in Jan and so my mum is in the same position as yours, and my only sibling also lives abroad. She will be the first consideration in our Christmas plans going forward as there is absolutely zero chance I would have her spend it alone. Fortunately neither would DH nor my PIL since they're not assholes.

Palavah · 10/09/2021 09:34

(it can be good to have some novelty especially if you're going to be feeling your dad's absence)

kaleidoscopeheartless · 10/09/2021 09:34

So many options.

Have Christmas day you and your mum.

Can your mum go to his families on Christmas Day too?

Book a meal for everyone to go too.

IdblowJonSnow · 10/09/2021 09:35

Agree he's a selfish nob. Are you sure you want to stay with him?

00100001 · 10/09/2021 09:36

@Jinglebella1

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot that you have taken the time to read and reply.

Tried talking to him this morning, didn't go well. I suggested we find out what his brothers plans are and to at least ask if his parents if they would like to come to us and all keeps saying is that he thinks I am being selfish and trying to get my own way. It seems so silly to consider 'what ifs' h til we know exactly what his families plans are. I genuinely think his parents would be grateful if we invited them over to us, we have never hosted Christmas before.

Feel like tearing my hair out, I just want us to work together on a solution. This is driving me insane!

Solution = you go to your mum. He goes to his family.
HeronLanyon · 10/09/2021 09:36

Although firmly in the wtf camp here I’m assuming maybe his parents are elderly (also?) and it does become important in case last Christmas wtc so there does need to be balance.
Not changing my view that your mums wishes should largely dictate things but his family may also have some pressures. In which case he should have been able to talk them through rationally with you !!