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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument over Christmas (already)

236 replies

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:32

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 11:37

His parents are elderly so I can understand his reasons for wanting to see them as you never know when it might be their last Christmas, I would never argue that he can't see them, I think he absolutely should and I like spending time with his parents too. He seems determined to create a situation where it's him or my mum and it really does not have to be this way!

OP posts:
Original poster
Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 11:38

@Lex634412 lol! The thought is crossing my mind.

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 10/09/2021 11:41

He seems determined to create a situation where it's him or my mum and it really does not have to be this way!

Is there a chance he's trying to engineer things so you break up with him?

FlowerArranger · 10/09/2021 11:51

He has stormed off saying he didn't know why I am with him if that's my opinion. Proper loopy behaviour

A lot more than proper loopy, @Jinglebella1.

Why are you with him?

BingBongToTheMoon · 10/09/2021 11:57

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Ditch him and spend Christmas with your mum.
This!
MyOtherProfile · 10/09/2021 11:57

Why are you with him? He doesn't seem to be very nice.

RandomMess · 10/09/2021 11:58

Sounds like he may want to end the relationship and it all be your fault 🙄

Certainly there are red flags that you have roll over and do what he wants or you get this childish manipulative behaviour.

longtompot · 10/09/2021 12:01

@PennyWus

Get yourself and DH a healthy dose of Christmas spirit and remember it is the season of goodwill!

The solution is very simple.

First check if The Brothers want to do Christmas together - they may have plans to see partners' families etc. If so then it's a non-argument and you can host (ignore idiotic chair issue).

If brothers DO want a joint Christmas, then ask PIL if your mum can join you all. That's what I do with my widowed mum (well, PIL always offer, which is absolutely lovely). And you and DH should offer to help with the Christmas dinner prep and clear up, no need for the olds to do all the heavy-lifting.

If PIL say no, then say sadly you won't be able to come as you won't leave your mum alone at Christmas when she is recently bereaved. Then let your miserable DH spend his Christmas with his miserable parents and have a lovely time with your mum.

Regarding your mum Christmasing altogether with your PIL, yes it is a break with tradition, but my mum found her Christmas memories far too painful after my dad died, so making a big change enabled her to re-engage in Christmas in a new way.

Don't let the argument fester, it is hardly what Jesus would have wanted for his birthday party, is it?

This is what I was going to suggest. See what the brothers and their families are planning, see if your mum could come to the in-laws and if indeed that is what she'd want to do. My sisters mil used to come to all our family gatherings after her husband passed away. One more person was never a bother (considering our immediate family is 19, which is our parents, us siblings and partners and our kids)

And yes, don't ruin Jesus's birthday Wink

longtompot · 10/09/2021 12:04

Ahh, I was a bit slow and didn't see the replies.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/09/2021 12:04

Spend Xmas with mum
Spend Xmas together Boxing Day
If he can’t agree that , it’s a red flag and selfish as heck

AlvinSimonTheo · 10/09/2021 12:07

Your Dad died during a lockdown and your mum spent last Christmas alone, your only sibling is stuck abroad (and presumably couldn't even come to the funeral?).

And he's shouting at you because he can't spend Christmas Day with his brothers? What. The. Fuck?

You can do better than this. Than him.

Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 10/09/2021 12:11

Not sure I could be with someone quite as narrow minded and selfish tbh. He’s not thinking about you at all, how you feel leaving your mum alone and the fact your dad has died and things will be difficult for you AND your mum. He’s expecting you to leave her at home alone whilst you all go and celebrate and have a jolly time with his parents/family. Why does he think that will be enjoyable for you?? I am astounded he is calling you selfish? He was really can’t seem why you’d be upset? Or put himself in your shoes if it were one of his parents on their own?..he has other siblings who could take his parents or he can have part Christmas with you and your mim then go for dinner/tea at his families and spend some time over the break with them. I always see Christmas as a holiday time not just one day. I’ve not spent Christmas with my mum for years. Hopefully we can soon though.

Am sorry for your loss op, and I hope Christmas with your mum is what you hope it to be.

ErickBroch · 10/09/2021 12:14

Can't your mum come to his family home? We do this. One of parents only has a mum/sister and no other family. They come to Christmas/Easter etc with the other parents side every single year.

Smackthepony · 10/09/2021 12:15

he thinks I am being selfish and trying to get my own way.

He is a bully OP! Of course you are trying to get your own way (ie being with your Mum on Xmas day). The irony of that statement is lost on him. He is using toddler tantrums to get you to back down. Does this usually work with you OP?

Stand your ground and don’t back down. He is being manipulative and controlling.

GrimDamnFanjo · 10/09/2021 12:15

My parents would have no problem adding an extra chair for my mil at Xmas.
That generation wouldn't dream of letting someone Xmas alone when they could help.
It's troubling that DH is behaving like this. I'd keep an eye out for any further selfishness.

CynsterBitch · 10/09/2021 12:20

Do you Get on with your MIL, maybe have the Conversation with her. Explain that of course you want to spend xmas with them, but there is no way you can let your Mum be alone for her first xmas since your dad died. Any sensible person would then offer for you to bring your Mum to theirs. It’s one more person so logistically it’s not going to make much of a difference, they’ll have less leftovers

RuthW · 10/09/2021 12:21

Your mum trumps everything. You spend it with her and he can go where he likes

Ilovecharliecat · 10/09/2021 12:24

I can't believe that he would be happy to see your DM spend Christmas Day alone!!!! What a knob

userxx · 10/09/2021 12:28

@TubeOfSmarties

What kind of dickhead would leave a recently widowed close relative on her own for Christmas day because a chair won't match?
Exactly this. The fact he could do that would kill the relationship for me, this is not someone I would respect or want to be with.
Dontbeme · 10/09/2021 12:29

What are his family like OP? Would your mum be welcomed for Christmas day or made to feel like an unwanted guest with an unmatched chair? In your position I would be rethinking the entire relationship to be honest, there is a meaness and a coldness at the heart of this man. This reminded me of Christmas when I growing up, always a random assortment of family, friends and elderly neighbours on the day, nobody was ever left alone for Christmas day, the running joke is still if you want to be fed bring your own plate and chair. We never had lots of money or a big home but always found room for whoever needed it. It makes me sad that your DP would happily leave your mother alone on the day and wants you to do the same, I could never look at him the same way again.

MossRock · 10/09/2021 12:33

What kind of dickhead would leave a recently widowed close relative on her own for Christmas day because a chair won't match?

This 100%.

And if it’s no big deal to not celebrate Christmas on the day, then his family can wait can’t they. Except he doesn’t really believe that does he. It’s any argument to get what HE wants. He’s just selfish and nasty I’m afraid. Flowers

OhCobblers · 10/09/2021 12:33

Spend Xmas with your mum and the rest of your life without HIM

ModerateOven · 10/09/2021 12:39

Can't you go to your mum's and he go to his? That's what my daughter and her husband do as they live far from both of us and his father would be on his own otherwise. Nobody bears any ill will to anyone. It's just sensible. It wouldn't work if you had children of course.

Yogity · 10/09/2021 12:40

I'd have an order in for an additional matching dining chair out of pure spite Grin What a horrible thing to do to your poor DM over a bloody chair. This year will undoubtedly be hard on her as you rightly say and surely its the season of goodwill! Especially given you will also be grieving your DF absence at Christmas.

I massively sympathise with you OP. My DM is very controlling about Christmas and loses the plot if she doesn't have it her way and I personally find it very dismissive of others' feelings and bratty. I think in the circumstances separate plans for Christmas seems the only way since he is unwilling to compromise by hosting.

TheMamaYo · 10/09/2021 12:43

I think you should host Christmas for all the parents. But not invite your husband. 😉 Problem sorted.