Argument over Christmas (already)

[Jinglebella1]

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

Have I missed the compromise? She has suggested hosting all 3 parents but he is wanting a big family Christmas with brothers and kids etc. They are very different things. FWIW, I think a plan to suit everyone could be found providing people do not live miles apart. People do Christmas Day differently and many people spend half a day in one place and half another. If OP's mum wanted a quiet Christmas,Op could go over in morning, have lunch with her mum and join her husband and family mid afternoon and join their Christmas. The poor mother would probably be horrified of she knew the stress this was causing. Must elderly people are far less stressed about what happens on Christmas Day than we think they are. OP had not said if she has even asked her mother what she wants? It seems more about OPS needs than her mother's currently. ( not saying that her needs are not valid but until more conversations are had it is a pointless fallout)
For all we know OPs sister may well get home from Bali anyway.

I think the unreasonableness is his refusal to discuss it, considers all ideas and oh ask his family what they are planning. Then also be nasty and call the op names over it.

It doesn't sound to me as if this is you "just trying to get your own way." Bottom line is, your reasoning trumps his anyway.
But as you say, this isn't about who wins. It's about being a decent person and whoever it was who pointed out that he would prefer your recently-widowed mum to spend Christmas alone to him suffering the trauma of having a non-matching chair at the table has hit the nail on the head. This would be batshit even if she hadn't been recently widowed.
Is there any reason why your mum could t come with you to your in-laws? My mil often used to come to "my" family dos. She was warmly welcomed and made to feel at home.

At my Grandparents' we used to have planks of wood across 2 chairs, then 2 chairs could seat 4!

At my nan's in the 70's, there were so many of us in the one downstairs room that we used to have 2 sittings!

@vdbfamily

Have I missed the compromise? She has suggested hosting all 3 parents but he is wanting a big family Christmas with brothers and kids etc. They are very different things. FWIW, I think a plan to suit everyone could be found providing people do not live miles apart. People do Christmas Day differently and many people spend half a day in one place and half another. If OP's mum wanted a quiet Christmas,Op could go over in morning, have lunch with her mum and join her husband and family mid afternoon and join their Christmas. The poor mother would probably be horrified of she knew the stress this was causing. Must elderly people are far less stressed about what happens on Christmas Day than we think they are. OP had not said if she has even asked her mother what she wants? It seems more about OPS needs than her mother's currently. ( not saying that her needs are not valid but until more conversations are had it is a pointless fallout) For all we know OPs sister may well get home from Bali anyway.

@vdbfamily yes you are absolutely right.

However OP's partner won't discuss it, goes off in a sulk, and insults her when she attempts to have the very sensible discussion you've suggested above.

That's why people are saying he's a complete dick. Not because he'd like to see his parents.

And FWIW it's not OP's mother causing the stress is it, it's him!

How old are you and how long have you been together?

Hate Christmas. Its all so fake, happy fucking families, er no.

See one lot on the 24th, the others on the 26th and do your own thing on the 25th.

I think you need to spend the day with your Mum, either at her place, your place, or the in laws.
Your partner needs to see what his brothers are doing and not assume that his elderly parents want to prepare lunch for 4 families including themselves!
I understand him wanting to see them if he hasn't done the day with them for a couple of years but I'm sure they'd understand if you spent the day quietly with your Mum if that's her choice.

I'm sure his parents would understand. I wouldn't have my parent spend any christmas on their own. The most sensible option is to either host it at yours or if his brothers want to come , PIL host and your mum comes too.

He's being a total dick.

I just hope op’s mum doesn’t get wind of the disagreements and ends up saying she wants to have a quiet day alone when that might not be the truth.

Definitely find out from your mum what sort of Christmas she's wants this year, she may not feel like being around the other family and putting on a brave face, in which case I'd go and spend the day with her and sod your partner. If he thinks it's selfish to support your recently widowed mum who this year doesn't even have her other daughter there like she did with your sister last year, then he's from another planet, possibly the planet of controlling narcissists.

If he really thinks she should be left on her own and would let that happen then he's very cold hearted and clearly he's the selfish one. See what your mum thinks about Christmas first and then take things from there
If she wants it to be quiet and wouldn't feel like being around other people then go to her house for the day. If your partner starts saying that's selfish, ask him to imagine the situation was reversed - that it was his recently widowed mum with nobody else to support her but him... Would he leave her on her own? I bet he wouldn't. If he says yes he'd leave her / do what his partner wants to do and spend the day with their family while his mum sits in her house alone - then seriously I would not see a future with a man like that. Then just go and see your mum.

I'd also try and find out what his parents and brothers are thinking of doing for Christmas, do you talk to any of them on the phone or see them much? Drop in something like how fast the summer went and I'll be Christmas before we know it, then try and find out what they might like to do this year. A lot of people would offer to invite your mum to them as well. Take things one step at a time and start by finding out what the others are thinking of doing for Christmas first. It may be that everyone has different ideas to what your partner is thinking. Then you can start making some suggestions - let us know what he says!

My FIL lives near Bali has has travelled to the UK twice through the pandemic so your sister would be able to travel over.

Could your mother not join you at your DHs family's house on Xmas day, or you host and have your mother and his parents over

OP If I was you I'd ring his parents and invite them for Xmas day, and your mum, and even his brothers,kids can sit round a coffee table or garden table brought indoors to eat, mismatched chairs can be used, compromises can be made. I've had Christmases where some of us have eaten off trays on the sofa because the table wasn't big enough.

I think that's ridiculous. He has siblings who will see his parents - why would you leave your mum alone on Xmas day!
Is there any chance you could explain to his parents and they would invite your mum aswell? Mine would certainly do that. If not I would spend i with my Mum however what happens next year etc. It's fair enough that your FP wants to spend some Xmas's with his parents as they are elderly.

Book a bloody pub for everyone! Alternatively, sorry if it’s been mentioned, hire a house for the week, all go away together. Leaving your mum alone would be shit. I couldn’t do it last Christmas even tho I don’t really get on with mine.

@Cherrysoup

Book a bloody pub for everyone! Alternatively, sorry if it’s been mentioned, hire a house for the week, all go away together. Leaving your mum alone would be shit. I couldn’t do it last Christmas even tho I don’t really get on with mine.

Oh this is a really good idea! Then no one is having to host and slave over cooking. No one is left out. There’s no mismatched chairs 🙄

Try and find a pub local to you that has an area for the kids (nephews and nieces) to explore. Then all back to yours for the rest of the afternoon.

Excellent idea

(Although my first advice would be to bin your selfish, spiteful husband)

Hi everyone, Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

Sorry for the radio silence. Everything has come to a head between us and I am now staying at my mums. Things have been going very wrong between us for a while and his behaviour and arguing has become increasingly erratic and unreasonable. I guess this argument was the symptom of much larger problems.

Thank you all for your suggestions. At least I know I can give my mum the most amazing Christmas even though at the moment I am devastated.

Lots of love x

He showed his hand didn’t he, over Christmas plans? Look after you mum and let her look after you. Onwards and upwards 💪

I hope you are ok however much it is hurting now he wasn't the caring or loving man you deserve.

Just probably one of the few times you have totally insisted on not going along with his plans has helped bring it to a head. It’s seemingly easy to be easy going and tolerate stuff, until something crops up that you can’t accommodate and you then reflect on how you got there.
However bad it’s been it’s hard now, and obviously there have been good bits as well but do keep memories of how he was about this for as long as you need to to move on. Good luck OP.

Everyone has a point OP where they will not let their boundary be crossed and I think you have found yours. He is being totally ridiculous in even asking you to leave your mum alone on Christmas Day, let alone getting into a strop about it.

I get the feeling that you have let him have his way most of the time but on this point you absolutely could not. You have seen his true colours and it sounds like there is a lot more going on.

Stay strong OP, you’re much better off at your mum’s and you’re completely in the right not to have backed down on this.

It’s normal to feel devastated even though it’s the right thing to do, best of luck for a brighter future without your ex calling all the shots in your life.

So sorry to hear that, but his behaviour wasn't of a kind man and you deserve to be happy. Look after yourself and your mum

I'm glad you're out of the situation. I'm sure it's incredibly painful but things will get better now you're free of him.

I know you are devastated, @Jinglebella1, but given his attitude on this issue (and clearly much else besides...), it's no doubt for the best. It's good that you can be with your Mum. As someone else said: onwards and upwards