Argument over Christmas (already)

[Jinglebella1]

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

The compromise sounds good to me.
I don’t understand why he doesn’t understand this year is different as it will be your mums first Christmas alone (well second but that first she and you will have been in shock deep grief still) so this Christmas is important to help her keep adjusting. I am so sorry about your dad.
You say you’ve been through rocky patch. I suspect this argument might seem to be about Christmas but may actually as so often be Christmas being the fall out of something very different.
Prioritise your mum (and see his family too but with j’te or in blxing day) and if he does not understand I’d suggest you spend Christmas Day separately (it’s not the end of the world) and then reflect on what that’s all meant.
My dp and that family was brilliant when my dad then my mum died - allowing me to ‘do the right thing’ for me and for others whilst also helping me move on.
Good luck.

He wants an older, recently widowed woman to spend Christmas alone.

The naughty list is too good for the little shit. I agree with PPs - spend the day with your mum and the oaf you live with can hang out with his parents and brothers.

He's essentially shouting at you over not wanting to leave your recently bereaved mum
On her own at Christmas & a must matched chair

Do his parents have a dining room suite that sits all of you? It seems highly unlikely once you add kids in.
Anyway, you need to spend Christmas with your mum one way or another & you realky need to think about what you're doing with your life & if you want to spend it with someone. So selfish, stupid & hung up on something like non matching chairs at Christmas being 'common'

I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. I miss mine every day & it's been a long time now x

Yes, practically, agreeing to spend Christmas Day separately works, but actually, that doesn't solve the real issue. -him being a selfish, shouty, idiot.

Is everything good with him as long as he gets what he wants? Go to your Mum’s house anyway and tell him he can join you if he wants or just break up now and there’s no issue

His parents have other children. Your mum only has you at the moment.

He's a selfish fucker.

This isn't a Christmas problem, it's a Do problem - what reasonable adult is happy to leave a recently widowed elderly person on their own at Christmas? Plus looking down on mismatched chairs rather than embracing having everyone together doesn't hint at him having much of a sense of humour.

Is this really the sort of person with such attitudes you want long term?

If he won't consider options posters have suggested, esp having everyone at yours or taking your mum to your PIL, then def go to your mums for Christmas, maybe consider staying there!

Christmas is all about everyone squeezed round a table together on mismatched chairs.

I would do as a pp suggested spend christmas seperately at your own parents and then boxing day togther - you could even invite all the parents for boxing day and have a second christmas day.

Could your mum come with you to 'his' family ?

@Lulu1919

Could your mum come with you to 'his' family ?

OP explains this in her OP.

He sounds absolutely horrible!

Of course you should see your mum on Christmas Day, what kind of person is he to shout at you about that and care more about mismatched chairs than leaving your recently bereaved mum in her own at Christmas??

Not forgetting that also you’re recently bereaved too OP, his priorities are all wrong.

Go and see your mum on Christmas Day regardless of what he’s shouting about and use his behaviour as a reason to take a long hard look at this relationship.

He’s really showing his true colours here and his behaviour is absolutely awful, do you really want to spend your life with such a selfish man with such a lack of empathy?

Telling that he’s projecting his own selfishness on you, he’s the only one being selfish here.

Would his parents sit there happily enjoying a Christmas dinner with matching chairs knowing your mum is sat alone too? I think his whole family sound very self absorbed if so, this really would be a turning point in a relationship for me.

What.....extra chairs are what Xmas is all about. Stand firm you have suggested a very good compromise of them all coming to you. Or as your Mum is only one person she could go with you to theirs and you both could help with the cooking but god forbid ic you need an extra chair for her.

@Jinglebella1

Before discussing it any further with him, phone your SIL's and ask them what their plans are for Xmas day this year. If they are going to your PIL's then phone PIL and ask them if they would be able to also invite your DM. If they aren't keen, then I'd either be telling DH that he will be going to his parents alone, (as you can't leave your elderly, recently bereaved DM alone for Xmas ffs !) or I'd be booking flights for you and DM to fly to Bali for Xmas (and to hell with the cost/work etc !)

Once you have found out what you're planning (either an all in at PIL's or a foreign holiday Xmas), then you should tell DH what your plans are. (Fuck him and his 'snobby' chair ideas and his utter selfishness concerning your DM !!)

Is this really the person you want to build your life with?

What a horrible person he seems to be.

I wouldn't want to stay with a partner who was happy to leave my widowed mother alone on Christmas Day. That's so heartless, I can't understand how someone could be so cruel.

I'd actually leave someone over this, it says so much about their base character.

Emergency chairs are part of Christmas dinner. Pre covid there are 15 of us for dinner, nobody has 15 chairs usually, we also have a non matching table that gets added to make enough space.

@givinglessfucksdaily

Why don't you and the other capable family members host Xmas at his mums and have your mum there too No hassle for any elderly relative / perfect dining chairs / brothers and children / no one left on their own

I second this suggestion @Jinglebella1. It seems like a simple enough route to approach.

I have eaten Christmas dinner on my knee on a tray to be with family before ffs have sat at children’s’ tables etc etc - it happens and it’s fine. Rather that than buy a house with a dining room only ever used for Christmas dinner or leave family alone at Christmas heaven forbid an older bereaved family member.
Good god people are more important than chairs.

You could solve this problem by leaving him.....I suspect you've spent your entire relationship doing things his way 99.9% of the time to avoid upsetting him

Your partner sounds like a selfish twat to be honest. He's oy bothered about how he feels.

Thank you everyone, it really means a lot that you have taken the time to read and reply.

Tried talking to him this morning, didn't go well. I suggested we find out what his brothers plans are and to at least ask if his parents if they would like to come to us and all keeps saying is that he thinks I am being selfish and trying to get my own way. It seems so silly to consider 'what ifs' h til we know exactly what his families plans are. I genuinely think his parents would be grateful if we invited them over to us, we have never hosted Christmas before.

Feel like tearing my hair out, I just want us to work together on a solution. This is driving me insane!

What are his good points?

Do you want the rest of your life to be like this? fighting to get any say in any decisions?

Invite your mum to you Christmas Eve.
Take your mum to his parent's house but go early and do the cooking so they aren't hosting as such, you, your partner and partner's brother do the work and let the oldies get pissed on champagne whilst "looking after the grandchildren"

‘Ok then DP, you go and enjoy Christmas with your family and I will spend it with my newly widowed mum. Thanks for showing me how little you care about her, I will remember this in future’.

Then spend a lovely quiet Christmas with your mum.

This is a classic example of how, generally, women are expected to care about their man’s family and consider their feelings, but not vice versa. In my experience, ‘he’ is more likely to show ‘her’ family the bare minimum of interaction while expecting ‘her’ to be best friends with him mum/sister.

Can you take your mum to his parents? Would they mind? X