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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Argument over Christmas (already)

236 replies

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:32

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

OP posts:

bh2210 · 10/09/2021 09:36

When my father passed away the next Christmas it wasn't even an issue that we would be spending it with my mum. We don't necessarily get on with my PIL but they couldn't have been nicer and totally understood, even though we had spent most christmases with my parents prior to that.
You need his support and will do for a long time. if he can't see that he needs to go. On your terms.

00100001 · 10/09/2021 09:37

Or split up with him, problem solved as well.

ArrrMeHearties · 10/09/2021 09:37

I'd go and have Christmas with your mum and let your "d"p do his own thing

Justcallmebebes · 10/09/2021 09:40

Hell would freeze over before I left my newly widowed mum alone on Christmas day. Your DH is heartless, sorry.

I'd just go to your mum and let him do what he wanted and then I'd leave him

Topseyt · 10/09/2021 09:41

@Gracesquirrel

You are not being unreasonable, however before this escalates any further have you checked with your mum she would want to be around people on her first christmas without your dad?

I ask because when my father died I was like you in being adamant my mum should spend it with us and not be alone and was then completely taken aback when my mum insisted that she wanted to be alone she didnt want to "celebrate" Xmas, she wanted to be left alone to do whatever she felt like, stay in her pj's and have a weep if thats how her mood took her she absolutely did not want anyone to be making her the focus and worrying about upsetting her nor did she want to be trying to put a brave face on things all day to avoid spoiling our and our son's Xmas etc. I hated it tbh and took a lot of convincing that it was what she really did want - but it was and in fact she did the same for the first 3 Xmas's after dad died.

I was never 100% comfortable with it but I did respect that it was what she wanted. Similarily when my MIL was widowed she too chose not to want to spend the first few Xmas's with family and booked to spend it on a cruise or overseas with her best friend.

So its worth checking with your mum what she wants before things ramp up with your partner.

I do agree with this, and OP does need to ascertain what her mother's actual preferences would be.

However, it doesn't change the fact that her Partner is behaving like a total twat by refusing to even consider any suggestions other than his own.

OP, clarify with your mother what she thinks she would find best this year. Then YOU make plans accordingly. If your mother wants/needs to spend it with you then you do that, regardless of what DP is doing. He has shown his true colours and he is the selfish one here. His way or the highway.

It might be time to reconsider the relationship.

LittleOldMe124 · 10/09/2021 09:42

@LegendaryReady that is a fantastic idea! Ill never look at a plank of wood the same again! 🤣

I think the best compromise in the current situation is for everyone to come to you or (if they can afford it) all go out for Christmas lunch, then back to yours for buffet/drinks and board games later

IngridTails · 10/09/2021 09:44

Spread it out. You don't have to do everything and have everyone on one day.

Photoshopped · 10/09/2021 09:45

I think the underlying mistake for many people is having a default position of spending Christmas Day with your spouse or partner, especially if there are no children or the children are grown up.

Better to make arrangements according to need. We've spent Christmas apart for many years due to family all over the place and no one bats an eyelid.

Spend it with your mum OP. Let him go to his family. You spend every other day of the year with him.

MusicTeacherSussex · 10/09/2021 09:46

If he wont agree that you all host, or all go out together, go to your mum, invite him, and when he declines, let his parents (hopefully) express their confusion to him as to why he is being a massive cunt and not supporting you and your mother at this time of grief. I am hoping they are normal people who might shame him for it.
If they aren't- well you're better off out of that family asap.

00100001 · 10/09/2021 09:48

@Justcallmebebes

Hell would freeze over before I left my newly widowed mum alone on Christmas day. Your DH is heartless, sorry.

I'd just go to your mum and let him do what he wanted and then I'd leave him

Why wait until Christmas?

He's hardly a catch...

MyOtherProfile · 10/09/2021 09:48

One question for him.
"Do you really think I should leave my mum alone on her first Christmas as a widow?"

The answer he gives that will tell you all you need to know about him.

MusicTeacherSussex · 10/09/2021 09:49

@MyOtherProfile

One question for him. "Do you really think I should leave my mum alone on her first Christmas as a widow?"

The answer he gives that will tell you all you need to know about him.

This. 100%.

Doidontimmm · 10/09/2021 09:50

@MusicTeacherSussex

If he wont agree that you all host, or all go out together, go to your mum, invite him, and when he declines, let his parents (hopefully) express their confusion to him as to why he is being a massive cunt and not supporting you and your mother at this time of grief. I am hoping they are normal people who might shame him for it. If they aren't- well you're better off out of that family asap.

This!

SprayedWithDettol · 10/09/2021 09:50

So him wanting his way is ok, but you wanting something else is selfish. Cognitive dissonance in action if ever I saw it.
This isn’t a man you want to spend the next 50 years with OP, unless you always want to be wrong or miserable.

QueenFreesia2021 · 10/09/2021 09:50

There is no way you should leave your mum alone on Xmas day. Your husband is being completely unreasonable to even ask you to consider this.

Is there any reason why your mum can’t go to his parents house too?

My mum and her then husband came to my in laws a couple of Christmas’s.

QueenFreesia2021 · 10/09/2021 09:51

I wouldn’t leave any family member alone, whether it was their first Christmas as a widow or their 25th Christmas as a widow.

Especially as the solution is so simple.

Tilltheend99 · 10/09/2021 09:51

@givinglessfucksdaily

Why don't you and the other capable family members host Xmas at his mums and have your mum there too No hassle for any elderly relative / perfect dining chairs / brothers and children / no one left on their own

This

If you get on with your husband’s parents ask to invite your mum to theirs for Christmas this year. I’m sure they would understand the circumstances and one extra person won’t make a difference if you are helping out. Presumably they know your mother from previous family events.

Also, it sounds more like your partner is using this topic/situation as a stick to beat you with as part of your ongoing relationship difficulties rather than being that genuinely bothered by it. It’s a shame as he should be supporting you in the aftermath of your fathers passing. (Even if he has good reason to disagree on this he should be doing it tactfully and sensitively without shouting)

Lonelylooloo · 10/09/2021 09:53

I have a DH whose DM is also alone.
We would never leave her alone at Christmas so whatever we do provision is always made.

SIL also offers to have her most years so she’s usually spoilt for choice tbh.

We get around it by hosting at our house and putting out invites to everyone to come to ours. We have a large dining room but only a 6 person table, we have no issues adding extra chairs and the small kids use their high chair trays
Nothing wrong with a couple of fold up chairs.

Coincidentally I once spent Christmas at a friends large townhouse directly behind harrods. Their family can be traced back about 500 years and they all attended elite private schools, they had food away chairs so I highly doubt it’s ‘common’

Firevixen · 10/09/2021 09:54

It seems like he is being deliberately obtuse, OP. He doesn't want to work on a compromise, he just wants you to do what he says.

Just tell him that you are going to your mums and he can go to his parents. Dont be drawn into anymore rows, it's like dealing with a child.

Lonelylooloo · 10/09/2021 09:54

*fold

2021Vision · 10/09/2021 09:57

I really hope you don't have children with this man.

It sounds as though you are letting him control you and the argument. Frankly my starting position would have been that my Mum was coming to my house for Christmas and if it was questionned I would have looked aghast at him and asked him MyOtherProfile's question.

It sounds like you are having to appease him and plead with him rather than having a normal adult discussion. Oh dear..

Rainallnight · 10/09/2021 09:58

I didn’t go to my mum’s the first year after my Dad died, because my DP wanted to go to her mum. My wasn’t on her own but I’ve always regretted it and slightly held it against DP.

Herecomesspring1 · 10/09/2021 10:00

@TubeOfSmarties

What kind of dickhead would leave a recently widowed close relative on her own for Christmas day because a chair won't match?

Exactly this!!

Chloemol · 10/09/2021 10:00

Simple he goes to his family and you sound it with your mum

If he can’t understand that it’s not acceptable to leave a widowed woman on her own at Christmas then I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 10/09/2021 10:01

the common theme seems to be that I either have to roll over and agree with what he wants otherwise he tells me I am argumentative and don't love or care about him which is completely not the case

So then, the underlying problem is that he is emotionally abusing you. He is manipulative and controlling and does not want a relationship of equals, he wants to be top dog all the time and the only acceptable response (in his eyes) from you is to submit to his wishes.

This is not about Christmas, is it? That issue is just an example of his abusive behaviour.

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