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Original poster

Argument over Christmas (already)

236 replies

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 04:32

I had an argument with my partner last night and now j am lying here unable to sleep. The argument was over where to spend Christmas (early I know!) .

My dad passed away last November so my mum is living on her own and she is struggling without my dad. My sister lives in Bali and has already sad that due to covid it is unlikely she will be able to come home for Christmas this year so I am the only family my mum will have. My partner would like to spend Christmas with his family - I completely understand his wish to spend it with his family as last year we spent it alone due to covid and the year before we spent it with my family so it has been a few years since we spent it with his family so is definitely "his turn". He suggested that we spend Christmas with his family and then "do Christmas" with my mum on Boxing Day instead this year and alternate. This seems a fair proposal longer term but I just can't let my mum be alone for Christmas Day, not so soon after my dad died it just breaks my heart.

As a compromise I suggested we invite his parents over and also my mum for Christmas Day so we can all spend it together. We have never hosted Xmas before so it would be nice to have his parents over. Firstly his argument is that we only have a 4 seater table and therefore don't have enough chairs for 5 people and completely dismissed my suggestion that god forbid we borrow an additional chair from somewhere as it wouldn't match our dining table. (This is a dig at my family as previous Christmas' we have squeezed extra people around the kitchen table using chairs from the garden- he looks down his nose at this and sees it as common whereas I see it as perfectly bloody normal).

His second argument is that he won't be able to see his brothers on Christmas Day. This would be true as fitting in his brothers and their children would be a step too much for our cosy house (garden chairs or not) but he hasn't even bothered to ask his brothers what their plans are for Xmas and how this fits in with seeing his parents. His parents are elderly and I don't think it is fair to expect them to host everyone at Christmas- they should be putting their feet up and relaxing.

I completely understand his wish to see his family but I feel he is not thinking about my feelings or thinking about my mum at all and is being pig-headed about the whole thing. He shouted at me and called me selfish which has upset me even more. We have been going through a rocky patch recently so I am finding this really hard to deal with. I just don't know what to do but I am frustrated and upset that he is digging his heels in rather than trying to help me come up with a solution that would make everyone happy.

OP posts:

NotAnotherPylon · 10/09/2021 10:04

Your partner's uncompromising and snooty attitude aside, I wonder if, as some have suggested, it would be better to spend Christmas Day separately with your respective families this year, then renegotiate next year (if you're still with him). Your mum's recent bereavement will hit her hard on Christmas Day.

DP and I did that for many years, mainly because Christmas meant more to our parents than it did to us. The arrangement changed when we had children. We started having Christmas at home and my mum came to us because she was recently widowed. DP's family can be a bit (ok VERY) pushy and controlling, but they were surprisingly understanding in this case, probably because my mum only has me (brother lives away) and they have other sons and daughters to argue with on Christmas Day!

You sound like a very caring daughter.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/09/2021 10:05

I would be furious if I was you. I'm also against turns because it ends up being hard to ever get a year at home.

Bereavement overrides previous plans for the first year, that's normal and caring. You offered a great compromise and he got childish. I'd be looking at him in a very different light, he looks down on your family and that gets more difficult to live with.

LittleMysSister · 10/09/2021 10:14

I think he's being out of order tbh. I understand that it's his turn but your mum is alone and it sounds like his parents would potentially be with his brothers anyway, so they have a full house even without you two.

Your idea is inviting them to you is a good one. They may say no because they've got his brothers coming, which is fine, and you guys can visit on Boxing Day or the day after.

I think when someone is recently bereaved and will be alone you do need to make an exception.

Howareyouflower · 10/09/2021 10:16

@LegendaryReady

At my Grandparents' we used to have planks of wood across 2 chairs, then 2 chairs could seat 4!

Brilliant idea!

Ugzbugz · 10/09/2021 10:23

Why is everyone so obsessed by one day, no one gives a shit any other day.

And why can't you host your mum and he goes to his family? It's one day? He sounds like a twat tbh.

Howareyouflower · 10/09/2021 10:25

Tell him that if one of his parents died, you would feel exactly the same as you do about your Mum....you wouldn't want them to be alone at Christmas, and you would do all you could to make sure they were not left alone. He's being selfish and childish. This is one of the reasons why right from the first year my ex and I married, we said we wanted Christmas day at home. We always had Boxing Day with his family, and that became how the rest of his siblings did it when they left home, and we all loved it. A week to ten days before Christmas we had a weekend with my family, pretending it was Christmas, The kids felt as if they had three Christmases, and loved it!

Fuckitsstillraining · 10/09/2021 10:28

Last Christmas was the first after my mother died, I live a few hours from my father (in same area as MIL) my brothers live close to him but nothing and no one would have stopped me spending Christmas with him, we spoke about past Christmas's with Mam and even though there was a few tears it was wonderful and cathartic, please spend the holiday with your mother, if your partner is going to sulk etc don't have him there, let him spend it with his family. To be honest I'd be using this as an awakening and getting out of the relationship, any man who expects what he does just wouldn't be good enough to be in my life or family.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 10/09/2021 10:31

What kind of man leaves a widow to spend christmas on her own?

The issue of christmas is almost irrelevant he does seem to care one joy for your mother, his potential future mother in law. If I knew a stranger would be alone for christmas we would invite them, much less an actual family member.

I am sorry but I think you are seeing the 'real him' the one he has kept reasonably hidden up to now. The issues are with him:

Selfish and wants his own way like a child
Shows no love, care or respect towards your family particularly your widowed mother which is really really unkind.
Has ridiculous snobbish opinions about other people's homes, traditions and christmas seating arrangements which is a very ugly trait on its own. He will eventually apply this to everything you choose as a way of belittling you.
He thinks his family is better, more superior than yours. This will play out very badly in the years to come.
He emotionally manipulates you into getting his own way by gas lighting to make you think it is you being argumentative rather than him.

I would not dream of leaving my mother at christmas on her own, this is a the hill to die on op. This is a battle that needs to be won. I would be seriously questioning the relationship and the future. He is not a keeper sadly, and is likely to let you down over and over again due to selfish behaviour and snooty expectations.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 10/09/2021 10:32

*He does not seem to care one jot for your mother

GiveMeAUserName123 · 10/09/2021 10:34

I would mention to mother in law it’s a time for togetherness and thoughtfulness and would she have your mother over this one Xmas to join them as she is alone as your father just died.

I’m sure she would absolutely agree and be fine with it, even if she doesn’t know your mum, it’s a one off.

Notonthestairs · 10/09/2021 10:37

Would he be happy to leave his widowed parent alone for Christmas?

I suspect not.

You've offered a sensible thoughtful compromise and he's behaving like an arse.

Agree this is a make or break issue. If he can't be kind to a close family member in need then he's not worth staying married to.

We had a similar issue and DH didn't bat an eyelid - and neither did his parents.

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 10/09/2021 10:37

Over riding his wishes by going direct to the MIL will solve the problem almost certainly one would hope, but does not fix the deeper issue of her DP abusing her emotionally and seemingly indifferent to the pain and upset around the loss of her father. Yes you can fix christmas, but there are much bigger problems that need addressing now than where everyone has lunch this year.

At least you found out now before you were married or pregnant with his child. I can't imagine how this man will respond if you were carrying his children op, if he is like this already.

beautifullymad · 10/09/2021 10:42

You take your mum with you to his family Christmas. She cannot be alone, bonkers he would even think this.

I can't believe he is being so callous. Not a nice trait. This says quite a lot about his deeper values. Please tread carefully with your future.

ProudAlly · 10/09/2021 10:48

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Ditch him and spend Christmas with your mum.

Nailed it

Palavah · 10/09/2021 10:49

I would mention to mother in law it’s a time for togetherness and thoughtfulness and would she have your mother over this one Xmas to join them as she is alone as your father just died.

If my DIL prefaced a request to invite her mother for Christmas with 'it's a time for togetherness and thoughtfulness' I'd struggle not to vomit at her patronising approach.

diddl · 10/09/2021 10:50

@MooseBeTimeForSummer

Ditch him and spend Christmas with your mum.

Yup!

A chair won't match the dining table for one meal-what a twat!

zenthoughtsonlythanks · 10/09/2021 10:51

You take your mum with you to his family Christmas. She cannot be alone, bonkers he would even think this

Perfect solution.

But he won't go for it, because HE wants to be with HIS family, as it is HIS turn, and HE has to get his own way. Every. single. time.

Even if that means leaving someone that is bereaved and grieving alone at christmas.

LetItGoHome · 10/09/2021 10:54

He should go to his family and you book you and your mum in to a nice restaurant. Or even better book you and your mum a nice break away somewhere for the Xmas period.

amprev · 10/09/2021 11:03

My husband wouldn’t dream of letting my widowed mum spend Christmas Day alone, and my dad has been gone 11 years. It shouldn’t even have a question mark over it as far as I’m concerned. He sounds very petulant and I would find this selfishness deeply unattractive. I know you hadn’t posted this to produce a thread about your relationship, but he has revealed a side to his character that would make me question if he was right for me. I would go as far as to say that it might be worth checking there isn’t some other reason underlying why he is being so insensitive because I can’t believe he thinks he’s not being a wanker.

I hope you get a decision over Christmas that works for you and your mum. Managing Christmas between two and more sets of families can be challenging enough without lack of consideration thrown in.

TheSquashyHatOfMrGnosspelius · 10/09/2021 11:08

One of my favourite things about going to my Bro on Xmas day is sitting by the tree in the window and watching the neighbours carrying chairs back and forth to each others houses.

RandomMess · 10/09/2021 11:13

I would like to think that your in laws would invite your Mum under the circumstances!!!

selflove · 10/09/2021 11:16

There are three options that mean your mum doesn't have to spend it alone

you and DP spend it apart - he goes to his family, you go to yours
Your host his parents & your mum, he arranges when to see his brother some other time
Your mum also comes over to your in-laws with you both.

Tell him any of those three options work - he can pick which.

Cavagirl · 10/09/2021 11:19

Does he actually really think it's OK for your mum to be alone on Christmas Day? (Assuming that's not what she wants)

He's not thinking she can go to someone else?

Really really this would be LTB territory for me, the way he's behaved. It's not about Christmas at all, it's what this says about who he is as a person, what he values, what's important in life and being willing to compromise for people he cares about.

Original poster

Jinglebella1 · 10/09/2021 11:30

You are all right, this is not the first time he has been like this and deep down I know it is not the last. I just can't let my mum be on her own, at least not this year and I have just told him that if he is going to make me "choose" without even bothering to discuss with his family then I am going to spend it with my mum. It's not fair to put me in a position where it's him or my mum, grown ups don't behave like that.

He has stormed off saying he didn't know why I am with him if that's my opinion. Proper loopy behaviour

OP posts:

Lex634412 · 10/09/2021 11:33

@Jinglebella1

He has stormed off saying he didn't know why I am with him if that's my opinion. Proper loopy behaviour

I'd reply saying "I don't know why I'm with you either"

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