Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

[VoyeursVictim]

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

I think the guest owes you an apology for following and harassing you. You certainly don't owe him or anyone else an apology. Guest needs to consider his own responsibility in this. He was a victim of the prank but why is he blaming you?

Hope the meeting goes well

I absolutely would not apologize for my reaction to being walked in on in the shower. And in no way would I say to the person who walked in on me "it wasn't your fault." The OP does NOT know that it wasn't done deliberately. There is absolutely no way to know that, it can only be assumed. And when entering a woman's showering area, even if temporarily shared, who wouldn't call in first to make sure it's clear??

Whether the man was also a victim of this prank or not, he needs to take responsibility for the fact he did not check that it was first safe to go in. Following the OP and making demands for an apology and to keep quiet about it after is not appropriate and sounds like harassment.

@Hummingbird1950

However surely you wouldn't be going around telling everyone "Steve walked in on me naked in the shower" as that's quite unfair.

This above is the literal truth though.

There's nothing wrong with OP stating the truth. She probably doesn't want to tell people, but she should have the option of doing so whenever she pleases and in whatever way she pleases, using whatever language she pleases and naming the individuals concerned if she pleases. Because it is the truth, and she does not deserve to be silenced because the truth is inconvenient to others.

OP, if for whatever reason you agree with being silenced, are you aware people get paid good money for that?! If I was going to agree to never speak the truth of an incident I'd consider that a business decision, and I don't work for free.

OP also having seen that it's HR pushing you to apologize to this guest, I wouldn't go to any meeting without legal representation with you. By doing this they've already shown you they're not on your side.

Given your history and the way you've been unnecessarily questioning yourself about whether you're unreasonable, I'd guess it's possible you have some post traumatic stress due to this incident and are possibly not in a good situation to be able to advocate for yourself. There's almost certainly going to be some stress involved with not only experiencing this new incident, but also experiencing the pressure from the guest immediately after the incident and the pressure from HR/management to apologise to and reassure the guest, when you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

I'd be going for a chat with my GP instead of the HR meeting. It's possible that instead of attending meetings with official people who are maybe looking to scapegoat you, you should actually be off sick instead.

The idea of being off sick is frankly deranged. As many others (including myself) have said, she needs to take someone with her and record the meeting, she does not need legal representation at this stage.

Also the idea of being paid "good money" to be silenced, will not be what is going on. The other victim will not want to be framed as a peeping tom and whilst saying that he walked in on me in the shower, to not explain the circumstances could potentially be classed as defamation by misrepresentation. The fact that you are already talking about trying to get the OP to claim money is an unfortunate element that most people find very distasteful, not everything in life is a way to claim "compensation".

The OP would not have PTSD because of this incident, it is too soon, they could have PTSD from previous experiences and this could be a triggering factor, but that would need at least a GP and more likely a clinical psychologist to decide.

He owes you an apology. Sure, joker owes mega apologies. In fact, there is no excusing him at all and he should face a disciplinary, if not more. But guest should not have followed you to your car when you were clearly distressed. The only acceptable reaction from him was 'oh god I'm so sorry. Xxx said I should go in.' and to leave you alone, not harangue to make sure you wouldn't tell anyone.

You mustn't apologise to anyone. Everyone must apologise to you.

@user1471457751

You tell him exactly that. You were both a victim to that arsehole so you have absolutely nothing to apologise for

I'd give the guest the name, home and work contact details of the arsehole and tell him to demand his apology from the arse's mouth.

Hi again, back from the meeting, it went really well. I feel a bit daft as there has been a miscommunication about the apology. Basically HR said that “the situation demands an apology” meaning that guest actually suggested he apologise to me, he realised that he had scared me and that following me to the car made it worse. He also thought that I’d rather not meet him in person so wrote a letter apologising, and has said he can run his class at times I don’t work so I don’t have to see him. So I’ll consider that for a couple of days.

I have had a written apology from the MD about it and they’re putting in a pass card lock on the door so that it won’t let men in during the women’s changing time and vice versa. They admitted it ought to have been considered before. There was a lot of grovelling in the meeting.

Joker has been dismissed and banned from the three clubs that are in the company. The HR person asked me if I wanted them to look into a restraining order and they would pay for it and the legal advice. Again I have some time to consider.

Manager has said that I can have some time off if I need, on the company rather than using holiday. Lots of suggestions about where I can get support and offer of counselling.

I’m totally exhausted now so forgive me if I don’t look at this thread this evening, I am going to have something to eat and then have an early night.

Thanks for the support, it really helped me go into the meeting with my thoughts straight.

that's a good outcome.
I'm glad that the guest was not in fact thinking he was owed an apology by you!

Good outcome and unsurprised there was a miscommunication about the apology.

I think in your shoes I definitely would consider a restraining order against the joker being paid for by the firm and also paying your legal advice.

I would also accept the offer of time off and their offer (hope I read this right) of counselling. In fact I would insist they pay for counselling.

Not sure what I would advocate re the guest as it seems he's acted well now after the event but I suppose I might want to clarify no comeback re his reputation etc original comment as that was slightly odd.

I hope you get a chance to rest and relax tonight and also for what it is worth - even if you hadn't had a previous incident which triggered this you are totally within your rights to feel violated etc. Take care.

Shit situation but sounds like the company really have your back so that's great. Hope youre ok OP!

Well that all sounds good and it's great they cleared up the miscommunication from guest. Turns out he doesn't need to be told to fuck off after all, so I take back my previous suggestion. Take your time to think how you want things to go. I doubt the joker would come near you again after being sacked but keep the restraining order idea in mind in case he is stupid enough to show his face. Also take the offer of counselling if they are covering costs.

Aww that’s great. They have taken it very very seriously indeed, which is a nice surprise.
💐

@LegendaryReady

Wow. It really isn't. If you stand on someone's toe by accident do you expect them to apologise to you for saying 'ow'?

No but I might expect an apology if they'd screamed abuse at me over it or told others I'd done it deliberately. Especially if I lived in a world where stepping on toes could ruin careers.

Did she scream abuse at him? Where did she say that? Were you there?

That's a lot better than you were expecting, I'm so pleased HR is doing the right thing by you.

Glad you got a good outcome OP, and they took it seriously. What an awful thing to go through.

Perhaps this is a stupid question, forgive me if so, but why would you need a restraining order from the Joker, do you think there would be repercussions outside of work from him towards you?

Another one who though there must have been some miscommunication. I'm so glad that was the case. The guest, if anything, has been exceptionally thoughtful and kind. The offer to hold his classes at a time you don't have to see him is quite above and beyond.

The company has dealt with this excellently, so I hope that you (and presumably he) will take advantage of all that they're offering.

Your company sound great, OP. So happy you had such a good outcome.

That’s an excellent outcome.

Good to see there are some nice men around that realise this was a scary situation for you.
And good to see that your company has stepped up.

A real breath of fresh air!

That is a fantastic outcome and I take back everything I said about the Guest!

@VoyeursVictim

Hi again, back from the meeting, it went really well. I feel a bit daft as there has been a miscommunication about the apology. Basically HR said that “the situation demands an apology” meaning that guest actually suggested he apologise to me, he realised that he had scared me and that following me to the car made it worse. He also thought that I’d rather not meet him in person so wrote a letter apologising, and has said he can run his class at times I don’t work so I don’t have to see him. So I’ll consider that for a couple of days.

I have had a written apology from the MD about it and they’re putting in a pass card lock on the door so that it won’t let men in during the women’s changing time and vice versa. They admitted it ought to have been considered before. There was a lot of grovelling in the meeting.

Joker has been dismissed and banned from the three clubs that are in the company. The HR person asked me if I wanted them to look into a restraining order and they would pay for it and the legal advice. Again I have some time to consider.

Manager has said that I can have some time off if I need, on the company rather than using holiday. Lots of suggestions about where I can get support and offer of counselling.

I’m totally exhausted now so forgive me if I don’t look at this thread this evening, I am going to have something to eat and then have an early night.

Thanks for the support, it really helped me go into the meeting with my thoughts straight.

Good news and it seems like they have been thoroughly decent about it all.

Speak to Citizens Advice about the restraining order on the joker, unless you think he will try and harass you it probably is not worth it, but if you want it for reassurance then it is an option.

Take the few days off, enjoy the sunshine, have a glass of wine and hopefully you can start to feel better about this now that it looks like it is well on the way to being resolved.

Seems like a good outcome Op.

The restraining order might be worth doing if he is likely to harrass you outside your work/home.

The only apology guest is owed, is one by Joker. You, as a fellow victim, and quite frankly, the one who suffered the most detriment, most certainly do not owe him an apology.

This. I hope you’re feeling all right now, OP. What a horrible experience. If he isn’t sacked, you should put in a complaint. That was sexual abuse, not a prank.

Just seen your update. Good result! Have a nice relaxing evening, OP.

Ah good, I’m glad it was a miscommunication. It’s the right outcome and it’s good to see the Joker got what he deserved though not soon enough. I am really irritated by these “Prankster” types, it’s so often bullying and intimidation with a smile and the defence of “you can’t take a joke”. However it seems to me it often covers a very entitled view of themselves as per @KittenKong’s example. The Joker can have a good laugh over his P45 and his chances of getting another job in these tricky times.