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Original poster

Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

268 replies

VoyeursVictim · 07/09/2021 11:54

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 07/09/2021 15:04

Of course you don't owe him or anyone else an apology. How dare he actually. Yes he was pranked too but you're the one who was violated. I know you've said you had something else happen to you to make you very sensitive to what happened but most women would be very upset by this even if they'd not had something similar happen before

pussycatlickinglollyices · 07/09/2021 15:05

as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me

^this means HE owes you an apology, not to do with the prank directly, but harassing you when you were clearly upset by the situation that your hopefully soon-to-be-ex-colleague set you both up for.

Best wishes to you/your SIL in your meeting. What a horrible thing for you to go through.

MotherofTerriers · 07/09/2021 15:06

I'd take along a list of previous "pranks" carried out by this idiot, particularly where complaints about his behavior were made
If management had taken proper action earlier this could have been avoided
You have nothing to apologise for, and the guest should apologise for chasing after you

KittenKong · 07/09/2021 15:10

He really is a twit though.

Ok so he doesn’t want a reputation as a peeping Tom/predator and it probably feeling hurt/embarrassed himself...

So what would any sensible person do - go to HR and demand the ‘joker’ is reprimanded. Ask that your name be kept out of discussions as it could debt your reputation and cause misunderstanding/ besmirch your good name/ make you the brunt of office ‘banter’ etc. Apologise profusely to the victim and confirm that you will never speak about it.

But to go after the victim - after they have already been humiliated?

I hope HR are sensible about this.

KittenKong · 07/09/2021 15:14

Oh and we had a ‘joker’ once. Lord was he a pain in the backside.

He once ‘funnily’ amended a presentation by a colleague (he had left the file open on his desk before a client meeting) and autocorrected ‘Wrexham’ on the organisations name to ‘Rectum’. Thank for it was spotted. He made bawdy sexist and racists ‘jokes’. He belittled his female boss (darlin’, missy, ma’am...) and generally treated everyone else like lesser beings.

Of course HR didn’t do anything, just moved him. It was IT who spotted the porn on his office desktop... and that was that.

saraclara · 07/09/2021 15:16

I'm not seeing anywhere, that this man is demanding an apology from the OP. I'm assuming that he wants one from the management, and an assurance that no-one (not just the OP) discusses this with anyone else. And I don't blame him.

Both he and OP were victims, and both were in shock immediately afterwards, which is presumably why he followed her out to the car. They will both have been mortified. I'm still not sure what he said to OP at that point (as opposed to later when HR/management was involved.)

It's all a bit muddy to be honest.

The practical joker should absolutely be fired, and it's his name that should be blackened, not the male victim's. And management shouldn't involve OP in anything to do with the male victim.

myBumJuiceSmellsLikeRoses · 07/09/2021 15:21

The Joke should apologise to both you and the guest - and the company should also apologise to you for the distress caused.

I imagine his shock is what caused him to follow you, however, you already know you don't need to apologise for something that wasn't your fault.
I expect he is worried he will be labelled a perv when it wasn't his fault either.
I think your reassurance that you don't think he did it intentionally (passed on by HR if you like) should be enough. No apology needed.

HR should make it clear on both sides - neither of you say anything of what you saw, for both your peace of mind.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/09/2021 15:23

It's not your place to apologise. However, I wouldn't be telling anyone who walked in on me because it wasn't his fault. He was probably mortified and is worried about his reputation.

BlackShadowCat · 07/09/2021 15:25

For what it's worth, he may not have actually said that and someone misspoke. So, just go in with an open mind. I can't imagine HR sitting there and demanding that you apologise to him. That would be crazy of them. I mean, it may happen, in which case, absolutely say no, but I think it's more likely that there has been a miscommunication somewhere. At least I hope so!

Ultraopaque · 07/09/2021 15:26

The reason I asked about the locks on the doors op is that your employer may be implicated in this for poor upkeep of the premises. I would be mentioning that at the meeting in your shoes.

KaycePollard · 07/09/2021 15:27

No way should YOU have to apologise!

If you must say anything, say that you were both victims of a very stupid prank - although really, you were both victims of workplace sexual harassment by your colleague. And that you would prefer to say nothing more about the incident, unless it's giving your testimony of your experience (and how it's left you feeling) at a workplace hearing into your colleague's misconduct.

You could commiserate with the guest, but NO WAY do you have to apologise to the guest.

Are you going to make a formal complaint about your colleague? You should, even if he is being disciplined or otherwise investigated.

Gosh, it must be difficult for you at work right now Flowers I hope you have good friends & support.

RacistAngst · 07/09/2021 15:28

I think your reassurance that you don't think he did it intentionally (passed on by HR if you like) should be enough. No apology needed.

I have to say I’d feel uncomfortable that the guest feels like the OP is obviously somehow going to put him in the shit.
I suspect he didn’t expect such a strong reaction from the OP (I imagine nor did twat) so is now automatically imagining the worst for him rather than imagining the worst for the OP.

This might need to be spell out tbh.

RacistAngst · 07/09/2021 15:28

@VoyeursVictim, I hope the meeting will go ok.

Hummingbird1950 · 07/09/2021 15:31

However surely you wouldn't be going around telling everyone "Steve walked in on me naked in the shower" as that's quite unfair.

This above is the literal truth though.

There's nothing wrong with OP stating the truth. She probably doesn't want to tell people, but she should have the option of doing so whenever she pleases and in whatever way she pleases, using whatever language she pleases and naming the individuals concerned if she pleases. Because it is the truth, and she does not deserve to be silenced because the truth is inconvenient to others.

OP, if for whatever reason you agree with being silenced, are you aware people get paid good money for that?! If I was going to agree to never speak the truth of an incident I'd consider that a business decision, and I don't work for free.

OP also having seen that it's HR pushing you to apologize to this guest, I wouldn't go to any meeting without legal representation with you. By doing this they've already shown you they're not on your side.

Given your history and the way you've been unnecessarily questioning yourself about whether you're unreasonable, I'd guess it's possible you have some post traumatic stress due to this incident and are possibly not in a good situation to be able to advocate for yourself. There's almost certainly going to be some stress involved with not only experiencing this new incident, but also experiencing the pressure from the guest immediately after the incident and the pressure from HR/management to apologise to and reassure the guest, when you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

I'd be going for a chat with my GP instead of the HR meeting. It's possible that instead of attending meetings with official people who are maybe looking to scapegoat you, you should actually be off sick instead.

Muchmorethan · 07/09/2021 15:32

I read it to mean that the male guest wanted to apologise to you and not you to him.

What is he expecting you to say??

saraclara · 07/09/2021 15:33

I think your reassurance that you don't think he did it intentionally (passed on by HR if you like) should be enough. No apology needed.

Yep.

You were both put in a really vulnerable position that day. Entirely different kinds of vulnerable, but still shocking for you both.

The above should reassure him, while not involving you in actually speaking to him, if HR passes that message.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/09/2021 15:34

Fuck off
We were both victims
And when you get there fuck off even further
Arsewipe

Bancha · 07/09/2021 15:35

I’m so sorry that the ‘joker’ (I can think of more suitable descriptors) did this to you. You have nothing to apologise for. If anything, the guest should apologise to you for harassing you when you were clearly distressed! What was he thinking, following you to your car?! I hope your meeting goes well.

deeplyambivalent · 07/09/2021 15:38

OP, I think I'd say something like: "Clearly the only person who owes you an apology is X. But for the avoidance of doubt, I don't hold you in any way responsible for the incident. And, given the upsetting nature of the incident I am as eager as you are never to mention it again outside of the HR process."

Aprilinspringtimeshower · 07/09/2021 15:39

@Horizons83

Surely you can give him reassurance that you are not going around telling everyone, without apologising?
Why shouldn’t she tell anyone she wants to for support? It’s not her job to protect the guest from people knowing what happened…that smacks of blaming her
Lweji · 07/09/2021 15:45

There is NO way you should apologise to anyone.

EVERYONE should apologise to you.

Yes, including the guest. He has to be rather stupid (or worse) to think that he can just walk on a woman's changing/shower area without any warning, even with the prank.
Even if he thought he could enter at any time, without a schedule, women in showers would be expected at some point during the day. He should have made himself known and that it was ok to enter if he noticed anyone was in.
Funny only now he worries about his reputation. Tough.

Then, he should not have followed you to your car for whatever reason. That action bordered on harassment, if you clearly didn't want to talk to him.

You owe him nothing. No apology, no understanding.

Lweji · 07/09/2021 15:48

But for the avoidance of doubt, I don't hold you in any way responsible for the incident.

I disagree. This should be your compromise position, not your starting position.
Make sure that everyone understands that you'll compromise in not pursuing a complaint about him, because whatever he was told, he was entering a women's area. He should realise that he IS at least partly to blame in what happened.

EmeraldRaine · 07/09/2021 15:49

The company should certainly apologize but because of the jokers behaviour, not yours. You've done nothing wrong at all.

MonkeyPuddle · 07/09/2021 15:49

Good luck love. Stick it to them.

Comedycook · 07/09/2021 15:50

@deeplyambivalent

OP, I think I'd say something like: "Clearly the only person who owes you an apology is X. But for the avoidance of doubt, I don't hold you in any way responsible for the incident. And, given the upsetting nature of the incident I am as eager as you are never to mention it again outside of the HR process."
This is a good response