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Original poster

Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

268 replies

VoyeursVictim · 07/09/2021 11:54

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/09/2021 12:08

Are you getting support from HR? He absolutely is also the victim of the stupid prank but you suffered considerably more distress from it.

HR should be making clear to him that while the initial incident was not his fault, continuing to engage with you directly is him forcing you to revisit a moment of acute embrace and he should not do so.
You should not have to engage with him or the prankster about this.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/09/2021 12:09

Posted too soon.
What you say to him is absolutely not. I understand you and I were both victims of X but I do not owe you an apology for my reaction to what happened. I don't blame you and won't be telling people what happened but I have nothing to apologise for.

DancesWithTortoises · 07/09/2021 12:10

Not sure why he thinks you should apologise. Just say no.

MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 12:10

@TorchesTorches

You were a victim and could not control your reaction. No apology for that. You did what you needed to do to get through an awful situation.

You can state that you will never speak of this again, except to HR as required. You can also state that you reacted how any person in crisis would and you cannot apologise for that, nor should you.

We can all control our reactions. We might not be able to control how we feel, but we can control what we do, that is the nature of being an adult human, we have agency.
NoYOUbekind · 07/09/2021 12:10

Also do remember the 10th, 11th and indeed 12th rules of misogyny:

10: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.

11: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.

12: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.

He is centering himself as the person most affected by the prank. Yes, he did suffer harm from it, but it's really not about him. So now he looks bad, has been affected by the fact you assumed someone walking in on you would hurt you, and is therefore suffering much, much more than you...

The more I think about this, the madder I get with him (obvs as well as Joker Dickhead). This actually isn't about him.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 07/09/2021 12:10

@Horizons83

Surely you can give him reassurance that you are not going around telling everyone, without apologising?
This.

Obviously don't apologise to him but I would happily confirm that you won't tell people who it was who saw you. I wouldn't understand why you would want to tell people who it was.

I'm not surprised you are upset though and I'm glad your employers are dealing with it properly.

Hoppinggreen · 07/09/2021 12:11

You do not owe anyone an apology here.
I appreciate the situation wasn’t the Guests fault but he should be horrified and telling you how sorry he is that this happened rather than being an arse about it.
I hope Joker gets what he deserves

Original poster
VoyeursVictim · 07/09/2021 12:12

Oh wow, thanks for all the replies and support. I am not thinking very well as this has brought back some bad memories so it’s good to know I am not going mad thinking why should I apologise?!

To answer some questions:

Are you the senior manager being asked to apologise to the guest on behalf of the organisation, or are they asking for you to give a personal apology to him?

More on a personal basis.

Did you shout or swear at him?

No, I screamed and said why are you in here? Guest went out and then I got dressed while trying to prevent myself having a panic attack. I was tearful and shaking when I exited the shower room and guest was waiting for me and kept following me out of the building as I walked to my car. That’s when I said please just leave me alone. I got in my car and left. No swearing involved.

OP posts:
ItsNotMeAnymore · 07/09/2021 12:13

I'm not sure the OP is saying the guest demands an apology from her or not.
He should have an apology by the prankster. He is a victim too. My DH would be devestated if this happened to him

ThePlantsitter · 07/09/2021 12:15

Did the guest say about the apology directly to you? I would guess that this was an inaccurate telling of what he did say if not.

Your work are lucky you're not taking this further given what you've said, tbh. Guest can sort himself out - contact him if you want but actually concentrating on yourself is the main thing here.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 12:16

I'd imagine he feels very embarrassed about it and is worried about it causing problems for him down the line. He probably also feels very uncomfortable about it and having seen you naked. And, well, it's obvious how you would feel about it! Flowers

Most men I know would be horrified at having done this.

You both had a shock.

Obviously you have nothing to apologise for but maybe a conversation in which you both get to express how you feel about the incident would help?

But, no, you don't need to apologise. And you shouldn't.

MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 12:16

@NoYOUbekind

Also do remember the 10th, 11th and indeed 12th rules of misogyny:

10: The worst thing about male violence is that it males men look bad.

11: Basic pattern recognition skills are cruel and evil when they hurt men's feelings.

12: whatever women suffer from, men suffer from more.

He is centering himself as the person most affected by the prank. Yes, he did suffer harm from it, but it's really not about him. So now he looks bad, has been affected by the fact you assumed someone walking in on you would hurt you, and is therefore suffering much, much more than you...

The more I think about this, the madder I get with him (obvs as well as Joker Dickhead). This actually isn't about him.

Can you not see that in the current climate, with the reaction of some (evidenced on here) that being labelled a man who goes around walking in on women showering would be very damaging, even if subsequently labelled as accidental, or with caveats added?

Many years ago one of DH's friends got arrested and labelled a rapist because a woman accused him of raping her on a specific date. DH's friend was not even in the country at the time, he was away on a golfing holiday in Portugal with DH and many others, yet this woman's accusation still resulted in the man being arrested and his reputation tarred. Some people still say "no smoke without fire", he did nothing wrong, he was 2,000km away, he still has people in the village where he lives who think he is a rapist.

It is perfectly reasonable for the second victim in this to want assurances that the first victim will not go around talking about this, it is also perfectly reasonable that if one victim, screamed at/abused the other victim that there is an apology.

ClaudiaWinkleHam · 07/09/2021 12:19

OP, you did nothing wrong and I would have reacted in the same way.
The organisation owes you and this man an apology but no responsibility lays at your door.

MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 12:19

@VoyeursVictim

Oh wow, thanks for all the replies and support. I am not thinking very well as this has brought back some bad memories so it’s good to know I am not going mad thinking why should I apologise?!

To answer some questions:

Are you the senior manager being asked to apologise to the guest on behalf of the organisation, or are they asking for you to give a personal apology to him?

More on a personal basis.

Did you shout or swear at him?

No, I screamed and said why are you in here? Guest went out and then I got dressed while trying to prevent myself having a panic attack. I was tearful and shaking when I exited the shower room and guest was waiting for me and kept following me out of the building as I walked to my car. That’s when I said please just leave me alone. I got in my car and left. No swearing involved.

Ok, then on that basis I do not think you need to apologise to him. I think it would be perfectly reasonable to reassure him that you will not be talking about this outside of the disciplinary procedures (and/or legal procedures), he will be understandably worried, just as you are upset.
chocolateorangeinhaler · 07/09/2021 12:19

You were very rude to tell the guest to leave you alone. It wasn't their fault. As for the joker. That was a pre meditated prank designed to cause upset. So he needs to sacked.

Can I also ask why there was no lock on the door if showers are having to be shared? That's a management failure for a start.

Dozer · 07/09/2021 12:19

This is awful!

Management should be dealing with this. You should not need to have any direct contact with guest about it, whatsoever. Guest needs to talk to management.

Ultraopaque · 07/09/2021 12:20

Why does your work bathroom not have locks on the door if you don't mind me asking?

NoYOUbekind · 07/09/2021 12:20

@MatildaIThink if you want to centre the man's experience in this go ahead. I'm going to go ahead and centre the OP - who if you read her latest post, absolutely did NOT abuse the man.

And I'd pop you back to the 10th rule of misogyny as above: the worst thing about this incident is NOT that it makes the man look bad. The worst thing about this incident is that someone (admittedly, Joker Dickhead, not Guest) walked in on a naked woman for shits and giggles.

But that's all cool, we don't have to agree.

qazxc · 07/09/2021 12:20

Maybe tell the guest that you realise that he wasn't at fault or trying to see you naked, and that what happened is entirely your colleagues fault. That you wouldn't do anything to damage his (the guest's) reputation.
You don't need to apologise as it wasn't your fault.

LegendaryReady · 07/09/2021 12:21

Perhaps apology is the wrong word but it would be reasonable to acknowledge it wasn't his fault.

What's happening about the other man?

ThePlantsitter · 07/09/2021 12:23

It is perfectly reasonable for the second victim in this to want assurances that the first victim will not go around talking about this, it is also perfectly reasonable that if one victim, screamed at/abused the other victim that there is an apology.

Wow. It really isn't. If you stand on someone's toe by accident do you expect them to apologise to you for saying 'ow'?

Tillow4ever · 07/09/2021 12:23

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You were very rude to tell the guest to leave you alone. It wasn't their fault. As for the joker. That was a pre meditated prank designed to cause upset. So he needs to sacked.

Can I also ask why there was no lock on the door if showers are having to be shared? That's a management failure for a start.

Rude for telling an unknown man who walked in on her when she was naked in the shower and alone to leave her alone/go away? What planet are you on? Should she have told him to strip off, she's been out in a minute?

It is absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest to have reacted in this way. If it were me, I'd have screamed and told him to fuck off, as having been raped when I was younger this would have been extremely distressing and triggering for me.

ClaudiaWinkleHam · 07/09/2021 12:24

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You were very rude to tell the guest to leave you alone. It wasn't their fault. As for the joker. That was a pre meditated prank designed to cause upset. So he needs to sacked.

Can I also ask why there was no lock on the door if showers are having to be shared? That's a management failure for a start.

He was following her!
MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 12:24

[quote NoYOUbekind]@MatildaIThink if you want to centre the man's experience in this go ahead. I'm going to go ahead and centre the OP - who if you read her latest post, absolutely did NOT abuse the man.

And I'd pop you back to the 10th rule of misogyny as above: the worst thing about this incident is NOT that it makes the man look bad. The worst thing about this incident is that someone (admittedly, Joker Dickhead, not Guest) walked in on a naked woman for shits and giggles.

But that's all cool, we don't have to agree.[/quote]
As I pointed out both are victims, but you do not deal with both being victims by denying the experience of one of the victims.

I understand that the OP finds this who episode upsetting, as does the other victim in the scenario. The one who should be punished is the "Joker", punishing the other innocent victim as well would be morally wrong.

You can quote silly rules but that means nothing, this is not an issue of men vs women, it is an issue of one arsehole vs normal, decent people. The fact that you feel the need to turn it into part of some ideological battle reflects badly on you.

LegendaryReady · 07/09/2021 12:25

Wow. It really isn't. If you stand on someone's toe by accident do you expect them to apologise to you for saying 'ow'?

No but I might expect an apology if they'd screamed abuse at me over it or told others I'd done it deliberately. Especially if I lived in a world where stepping on toes could ruin careers.