Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

[VoyeursVictim]

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

If I was him - I would be grovelling an apology to you and raising Merry hell with HR about Mr Chuckles.

Unless you had thwacked him over the head with a dumbbell , then you have nothing to apologise for.

He has - invaded your privacy, embarrassed you, dented your dignity, and also made you feel very unsafe in the workplace (my god what if he has been a predator or has walked in on a child?).

Now it wasn’t his fault - although did it have a ‘ladies’ sign on the door? Even if (again of I was him), I would have still yelled ‘coo-eee!’ if I was entering a space that was single sex designated (even if I had been told that it was temporarily being used by both sexes). I would also be feeling ashamed and humiliated but would direct my anger to the right place.

I'm more often than not the office joker but I'd never invade someone's privacy, thats a step too far and that's when it gets personal and unpleasant.

Your actions are justified 100%. What a wanker.

jeez you poor thing! You have absolutely nothing to apologise for!!

Guy who walked in is also a victim, but harassing you for an apology is not on!

What was the process for determining whether it was safe and no females present so that males could go into the female shower room?

Don’t apologise and do not allow this to become about you apologising to victim 2. HR needs to accept their part in allowing the Joker to continue behaving in such a way despite complaints in the past. The emphasis of the entire meeting must be on him and his conduct and the company’s intentions to deal with him.

As for victim 2, I find it astounding that he doesn’t understand your immediate reaction and how following you like that would have been very uncomfortable or distressing, but I would say in that meeting that while you have nothing to apologise for and no intention of doing so you also have no intention of discussing it further and draw no conclusions about victim 2 beyond him being another victim. I can’t help feeling that if this man is worried about his reputation (and I can understand why he’s so worried) then he probably should worry more about the Joker who is more likely to chat about it, joke about it to save face or colour it to defend himself. I guess he’s worried about it being recorded incorrectly or without context and therefore damaging him later but that isn’t down to you OP and pressurising you for an apology to try and add weight to his victim status shows him in a poor light - he should worry about that.

The guest worker owes you a big apology for harassing you after the event and I think you need to get that point across also in your meeting.
You would be quite valid to state that you don't want to work in close proximity to the guest employee for a while. Whilst it wasn't his fault, it was him than walked in on you naked and that's not to be brushed off. Your employers have a legal obligation to you. Why were there not signs on the external door?

The joker should quite rightly get sacked. What a twat.

@Chilver

As the vulnerable person in this situation, the onus is on the Joker (obviously) and the unwitting intruder to apologise to you! He was not in a vulnerable position, you were and the fact he kept following you around, invading your personal space (? one assumes) after you had already visibly and audibly reacted to his presence is a red flag to me. He should have backed off after a quick apology and left any other overtures in your control. The harassing afterwards, to get something for his benefit. just says to me that they are completely ignoring the extent of your vulnerability and that to me is a safeguarding issue.

The onus is on the employer, they have not kept their employee safe - haven't reined in prankster, haven't sorted the men's showers, haven't got a proper system for mixed showers. I think that 'guest' is using DARVO. Have you looked at your company handbook to see how many rules he contravened? - he should know about not harassing safeguarding. The Leisure Club has a duty to you - its employee- and not to the freelancer. He should be bricking it because he is in danger of getting his contract cancelled, not throwing demands about. Do not apologise, go on the attack.

‘One of us was naked, wet and vulnerable and it was not him. I will not make any apologies and am frankly incensed at being asked to. I also have no interest in spreading this story obviously and you can reassure him on that regard.’

Send guest a firmly worded message on the lines suggested by other posters - you prefer to consign the entire unfortunate incident to hstory and will not be issuing any apology as you were an innocent victim. I would hint that any further pressure from him may result in your seeking legal advice as to how to proceed. I have often found that mention of police or hints of legal action usually result in assholes backing off pretty quickly.

The visitor is owed an apology from the joker! CERTAINLY not from you!!

How awful. You would have more right to ask for an apology from guest than they do from you.

I mean for following you and harrassing you after, rather than for walking in on you, which wasn't their fault. Although lots of people would apologise anyway for that.

Good luck for the meeting, I hope you're able to get a good hearing. You have nothing to apologise for. Hopefully the 'joker' will be sent packing and the company will get its arse in gear about upgrading the facilities. I'd be none too happy about being followed to my car afterwards either, and would be bringing that up.

Definitely no apologies from you as you didn't do anything wrong. Joker is mostly to blame (obviously) and hopefully HR will deal with him appropriately. The guest has also been a victim, but not of you! If anything, you could reasonably ask why he isn't apologising for following you to your car. He absolutely shouldn't have continued to try to engage with you when you didn't want him to (and walking away is a massive sign that you don't want to engage in conversation with someone). If guest is normally a decent sort I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say he was shocked too and didn't handle it well. But following someone who is distressed and walking away is usually a red flag.

Good luck for the meeting. Absolutely everyone should be apologising to you. The twat who caused, the person who walked in on you and management for not sorting the problem with the showers sooner.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise about. Even if you had screamed, shouted and sworn at the guest at the time. He is being ridiculous saying he wants an apology from you.

Have complaint been made against this man before? Has anything been done?

Because if this was the case, I’d be going in there all guns blazing as to why his stupid and reckless behaviour was not checked before.

First of all, I'm sorry you were the victim of this appalling so-called joke. I hope HR are going to come down on his head like a ton of fucking bricks.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment.

I think you're muddling two things together. Of course you shouldn't apologize to the walker-in-what would you be apologizing for? But it doesn't sound like anyone was suggesting you should apologize to him. But agreeing not to talk publicly about thisyes, you should give his this assurance. He was a victim of Dickhead as well.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

Ok so until you said this I thought same as you guest is a victim of prank too.

But now I'd be angry at guest too. Wants apology?! You've done nothing wrong!

You owe guest nothing. Nothing at all.

You don't owe him time and space to hear his apology or explanation and you certainly don't owe him an apology. You also don't owe him any assurances that you'll not tell anyone what happened.

He's trying to make it into a dirty little secret for you to keep. That's totally out of order and for that I'd complain about him, he has no right to pressure you like that.

He's getting angry at the wrong person. If his reputation is damaged by talk of what happened that's down to the person who pranked you both, it is not down to you, you wouldn't have been in this situation if it weren't for the prank.

You have every right to speak about this to whoever you want to. It happened to you, you did nothing wrong, it's your story and if you want to share it then you can.

TBH he's not considering your reputation is he? Rumours can spread and won't necessarily be shut up by you saying nothing, does he care if people incorrectly read something else into this situation? What about the guy getting fired, what's he going to tell people about that? The truth?! Or will he say something else untrue about the situation and claim he's been stitched up as scapegoat, who knows?

You say about it whatever you think is best, to whoever you want. This guest doesn't get to throw you under a bus, silencing you to protect himself.

@timeisnotaline

‘One of us was naked, wet and vulnerable and it was not him. I will not make any apologies and am frankly incensed at being asked to. I also have no interest in spreading this story obviously and you can reassure him on that regard.’

I really like this. You are both victims, but you certainly do not owe anyone an apology. I hope your meeting goes well.

Hope the meeting goes well. It's terrible that it's taken this for them to take his actions seriously.

I agree with others great advice on passing it back to your employer/HR to deal with the guest. They didn't take the asshole seriously, they didn't maintain the staff areas, they need to deal with the problems they've caused with their neglect. You're not responsible for that.

Guest was likely panicking when he followed you, and I do feel for him as another victim in this, but it was a bad move that he made worse by making demands afterwards.

Umm, so the joker was correct when he told the guest to use the women's shower? No, he said the shower was free, that's not the same as saying that the women's staff shower is the only one working and being used unisex for a time.

I'm wondering does guest want apology for you having reported it? Is he total dickhead who sees you reporting it as unnecessary drama? Because he'll have been interviewed for his part in it, although his part was accidental. Is he cross because that was uncomfortable for him. So instead of blaming the perpetrator he's blaming the victim for reporting it?

Your history is irrelevant by the way, you don't need a special reason to be upset about what happened. You don't need to use your history to justify your emotions or your reaction to what happened. The fact it happened is reason enough.

You were very rude to tell the guest to leave you alone. It wasn't their fault. As for the joker. That was a pre meditated prank designed to cause upset. So he needs to sacked.

So if a man walks in on me when I'm naked it's now rude to tell him to go away? And if he persistently follows me after I've got dressed it's rude to tell him not to? Do you have absolutely zero boundaries in what you expect from other people?

OP I would just keep telling him that this is now a matter for HR and that you will not be entering into a discussion with him or anyone else about it. If you add 'or anyone else' he should realise you aren't gossiping. But I do agree with PP - this is about you, not him, and he should stop making it about him.

Fuck rude.
If a bloke walks in on me naked then follows me he's getting told to piss off.
Rude. 🙄 Cos that's what's important here.

You werent at fault, and i hardly think being accused of accidentally walking in on someone showering because they were told it was empty is a career wrecking incident. Its not even close to being falsely accused of rape

@Horizons83

Surely you can give him reassurance that you are not going around telling everyone, without apologising?

Yes this! Because presumably you are also seeking reassurance that he isn't going around telling everyone what he saw? You can acknowledge this between yourselves without either of you apologising.

I wouldn't "apologise", but I would tell the guest that you realise he was misled by your colleague and certainly won't go around telling other random people about it (why would you?) or suggesting that he (the guest) did this intentionally. I'd then tell him that you'd rather put this whole thing behind you, now, and would appreciate it if he'd do the same and act as though it had never happened. The End!