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Original poster

Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

268 replies

VoyeursVictim · 07/09/2021 11:54

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

OP posts:
Handsoffstrikesagain · 07/09/2021 20:09

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Handsoffstrikesagain · 07/09/2021 20:10

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LegendaryReady · 07/09/2021 20:16

He was dismissed there and then?

He'll do well out of that, unless he hasn't been there long.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 07/09/2021 20:19

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LegendaryReady · 07/09/2021 20:32

Also, even if he was dismissed, should OP have been told that? Confidential surely?

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/09/2021 20:35

@BertramLacey

Strange indeed. These are issued by judges in criminal court cases, not by HR departments, unless I'm severely mistaken.

I'm assuming they meant that if the OP decided to go to the police, they would give her evidence that proves the joker's wrongdoing.

Well, op claimed they've offered to pay for it, maybe she got that wrong too 🤷🏻‍♀️
FeeLock · 07/09/2021 20:41

@NoYOUbekind

Brilliantly put!

sakura06 · 07/09/2021 20:48

So pleased this had a good outcome. Hope you're ok.

EarthSight · 07/09/2021 20:50

DON'T apologise. You did nothing wrong. You did not plan the prank, your dignity was affected and top of that you have past issues with being violated. The guest sounds like an asshole for wanting an apology from you of all people!

It's your colleague who should be apologising directly to the guest. You shouldn't have to say a word to him. If your workplace pressures you, don't cave in. You acted like most women would and your workplace should be more concerned with making sure you aren't going to due them for dealing with this dickhead earlier.

EarthSight · 07/09/2021 20:54

Joker has been dismissed and banned from the three clubs that are in the company. The HR person asked me if I wanted them to look into a restraining order and they would pay for it and the legal advice. Again I have some time to consider

Manager has said that I can have some time off if I need, on the company rather than using holiday. Lots of suggestions about where I can get support and offer of counselling

Wow ok. This should have been prevented from happening, but at least they seem to be bending-over backwards in handling the matter. Good!

orangejumpsuit · 07/09/2021 21:55

Is this in the UK Op?
Did they explain what paying for a restraining order means?
Does the company have its own HR department or do they use an external firm such as Peninsula?
Either way, it's been resolved rather quickly. When I try to contact HR for my business, sometimes it can take days just to get an initial response, weeks or months to get a final agreement. It's actually really difficult to dismiss and ban someone from their place of work, unless they've been with the company less than two years. Even then, I'd say the company were on slightly shaky ground, as the joker may claim he's not had a fair chance to put his side of the story to the company.

Either way, it sounds like you've had a good outcome, snd the most important thing is that it won't happen again

ColorMagicBarbie · 07/09/2021 22:20

@Horizons83

Surely you can give him reassurance that you are not going around telling everyone, without apologising?
This is the best course I think. He doesn't need an apology but neither is it his fault and would be harsh to give the impression he's a creep.
timeisnotaline · 08/09/2021 02:35

@prettybird

The prankster might blame the OP for being sacked rather than his own stupid actions so may try to come "after" her in some way.

Having the support of the company should she need it will be reassuring Smile

I too would be surprised if this were enough for a restraining order, but wouldn’t be surprised if a serial offender like this is furious that he’s been called out on it. When I reported someone for sexual harassment at work, they found a moment alone with me at drinks after they’d left (everyone frequented the same bars) to say how they thought I’d really overreacted. I hadn’t. So please after you’ve taken some time to think, consider asking for the support re restraining order to be available for the next year so you can take it up if he does contact you or escalate.
QueenBee52 · 08/09/2021 02:37

Fantastic Update OP...

and it's great to see a Company finally react quickly and assertively to this shocking behaviour..

Im glad the misunderstanding about the apology was cleared up and it was the Guest Coach that wished to apologise to You not the other way around and he did so in writing ...

Take care of yourself OP.. you have had a terrible shock 🌸

PrincessNutella · 08/09/2021 03:59

What an outrage, to think that you should be expected to apologize when you truly have been violated in this way!!! This is terrible! What happened was no joke. It is absolutely a very serious violationI know I am using that word again, but I can't think of another more appropriateof your personal integrity. The company owes you an apology for putting you in a very unsafe situation, and the "jokester" must be punished!

Mothership4two · 08/09/2021 04:40

@PrincessNutella

The MD of the company has apologized to the OP as has the "guest" in writing. The "jokester" has been dismissed. The company is being helpful to the OP and she came out of HR and manager meeting feeling it went well. She's had an offer of time off, counselling, payment of legal fees if she wants decides to look into a restraining order for the joker, they have changed the shower system and the "guest" has offered to work at different days. Not sure what else they could do?

Heliachi · 08/09/2021 04:55

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itsgettingwierd · 08/09/2021 05:06

The apology woes to guest is from twat joker and the company who employed him.

You don't have anything to apologise for.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/09/2021 05:07

Oh gosh, I'm so glad I made sure I read all your posts before posting!!

That's a really good outcome and the coach staff member has clearly done the right thing, realised that him following you to apologise has made things worse and wanted to make sure YOU got the apology.

The management outcome is as good as can be expected for now but I agree they need to take on board the need for staff cubicles ASAP to prevent similar occurring again, and especially in this day and age, where someone could do what this coach unwittingly did, but claim it's ok because they ID as female.

Very happy that the utter twat who caused this has not only been dismissed but banned from linked centres too. Fucking outrageous behaviour on his part. Angry

PluggingAway · 08/09/2021 05:57

If I was the guest I would also want an apology - from the dickhead who told him to go in there. Given that dickhead is being dismissed, it might be hard to get an apology. Oh well.

You absolutely shouldn't have to apologise to anyone about this. What a load of nonsense.

Sounds like this has been resolved as best as it can be. That doesn't mean you have to forget about what happened. It was a violation. Hope you're ok OP.

Mothership4two · 08/09/2021 06:01

She hasn't been asked to apologise

ChaToilLeam · 08/09/2021 06:39

Sounds as good an outcome as it can be from the meeting, OP. I hope you are feeling a bit better now.

Magenta82 · 08/09/2021 07:11

@orangejumpsuit

Is this in the UK Op? Did they explain what paying for a restraining order means? Does the company have its own HR department or do they use an external firm such as Peninsula? Either way, it's been resolved rather quickly. When I try to contact HR for my business, sometimes it can take days just to get an initial response, weeks or months to get a final agreement. It's actually really difficult to dismiss and ban someone from their place of work, unless they've been with the company less than two years. Even then, I'd say the company were on slightly shaky ground, as the joker may claim he's not had a fair chance to put his side of the story to the company.

Either way, it sounds like you've had a good outcome, snd the most important thing is that it won't happen again

If someone is sacked for gross misconduct it is fairly easy to get rid of them and this would count. There might need to be some notice for the disciplinary meeting but the perpetrator can be suspended prior to that. If he is a known joker and/or has admitted it was a prank the outcome will pretty much be a foregone conclusion.

saraclara · 08/09/2021 08:10

The thinly disguised troll hunting from the likes of @orangejumpsuit, based on the perceived speed of the company's action is misplaced. Nowhere has the OP said when the practical joke took place.

She posted her OP prior to the meeting with HR. That's all we know. The incident could have happened a day ago or a week ago.

Having said that, I think that the company would be able to (in fact have to) respond pretty quickly anyway, as this is such a clear incident with a sexual element.

ItsNotMeAnymore · 08/09/2021 08:20

If the HR and MD are so ill informed that they think it was sensible to offer to pay for a restraining order on the OPs behalf then I suspect they may also slip up on following the correct procedure to sack the 'joker' for gross misconduct. They told the OP he was already dismissed which sounds very strange indeed.

It's the HR person who needs to be sacked in this case as they clearly don't have a clue.
Maybe there have been yet another weird misunderstanding or something. 🤔 😅

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