Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

[VoyeursVictim]

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

You tell him exactly that. You were both a victim to that arsehole so you have absolutely nothing to apologise for

I'm so sorry you experienced this @VoyeursVictim what an awful thing to do.

The guest may feel like he deserves an apology but it should come from the joker (fucking arsehole) not you. You have nothing to apologise for.

The only apology guest is owed, is one by Joker. You, as a fellow victim, and quite frankly, the one who suffered the most detriment, most certainly do not owe him an apology.

He will just have to take your word that you're not going to be gossiping about this to anybody.

What user* said.

Surely you can give him reassurance that you are not going around telling everyone, without apologising?

That sounds dreadful. I agree the guest was also pranked and deserves an apology from the office joker but not from you. It’s understandable also that he doesn’t want to be implicated in what could affect his reputation.
So sorry you have been through this. I hope so-called joker gets sacked.

Presumably guest thinks you were involved.
This is a reprehensible thing to have happened and I hope the twat that did it gets the disciplinary book thrown at him.

I don't understand what he wants you to apologise for? That he saw you naked?

What assholes.

No - you do not owe any of them an apology.
I hope the joker gets the sack.
And the guest is a twat.

So sorry you had this. What an arsehole joker is. Lucky he is being dealt with and hopefully he does get fired. Although you do say it your self, the guest is as much a victim as you. The guest is most likely worried of the repercussions and reputation. You are both victims and you shouldn’t apologise but I think you can/should reassure him that you won’t go around and potentially ruin his reputation/career. I think guest should apologise to you, and also guarantee he won’t gossip about what he potentially saw.

Sorry, meant to add, you are OWED an apology by the twat, as much as the visitor is.

I wouldn’t apologise since I didn’t do anything, but would be fine to agree not to talk about it. I wouldn’t want to anyway.

I would agree not to tell anybody as I understand that concern, but what would you be apologising for exactly?? He's lucky he's not in trouble too, although obviously I understand that he was set up too. Just say you were both victims and you don't want to talk about it any more, that you do I d it distressing, and should he persist you will be forced to take it further.

This is appalling. I really feel for you on this.
You have nothing to personally apologise for.

Someone in your organisation should be apologising to you and also to the guest. Are you the senior manager being asked to apologise to the guest on behalf of the organisation, or are they asking for you to give a personal apology to him?

@Horizons83

Surely you can give him reassurance that you are not going around telling everyone, without apologising?

This!

Also can you confirm, did you blame the guest for walking in at any point, or swear and shout at him? If you did then you owe him an apology for that.

You don't owe him an apology, no. He could equally apologise to you since you are actually the injured party! However I don't think that approach is conducive to making everyone feel better. If you feel like it you could open a conversation with him (by email or whatever) in which you DON'T apologise but say it was horrible for you, you realise it wasn't his fault and are very angry with Joker. What an absolute twat Joker is though, glad he's being sacked. I'm sorry that happened to you!

As a victim of "X" myself, I'm not going to apologise for his actions to make you feel better or safer.

Something like that anyway.

I don't think you owe anyone an apology.

I do get that the guest was a victim of the prank too, but your reaction was your reaction - it wasn't aimed at him it was aimed at the situation.

I assume you aren't going to tell everyone he walked in on you deliberately, so a fairly crisp 'I have no plans to discuss this disgusting incident with anyone' should cover his fears, should you feel inclined to put his mind at rest.

You were a victim and could not control your reaction. No apology for that. You did what you needed to do to get through an awful situation.

You can state that you will never speak of this again, except to HR as required. You can also state that you reacted how any person in crisis would and you cannot apologise for that, nor should you.

Or he should apologise for not double checking by knocking.

What would you advise me to say to this person?
Nothing. Refer the matter to management or HR. Let them feel the effect of not dealing with prankster before it got out of hand. Besides, it's sort of sub judice until the HR procedure is over.

Do not apologise.

It is due the Joker and your manager to apologise (on behalf of the company and because this employee should have been dealt with before this was allowed to happen).

If discretion would normally be expected with regards to services users then of course no one from your workplace should be naming the guests name.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for and the fact that he thinks you do is appalling.

I would tell him that - none of this was your fault and you are not going to apologise to him for what happened or your reaction

I would say though to him that you are not going to talk about this, it is an unpleasant memory for you and you have no wish for it to be common knowledge or gossiped about

He is worried though because he should have made completely sure that it was correct. He could have gotten misinformation from someone who genuinely believed it was ok and he should have made sure he was certain and he knows it I think

Sorry, are you saying that the guest wants an apology from you?

Obviously you reacted strongly when this occurred and the guest is probably confused by that. Totally reasonable and understandable reaction from you and you have nothing to apologise for at all. I would be furious if I was either you or the guest.

If it was me I would write to the guest and say that you were both victims of this prank and you were upset by the situation as you’re sure he was and that you trust both of you agree to keep the situation private.

Ideally he would have done that for you too but it sounds like he wants to show his innocence by ensuring you know of his offence and upset instead.