Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

[VoyeursVictim]

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

I think the most I might do is send something back that you understand it was not deliberate, but I would do that through HR/Manager.

Do you have to work with guest? That would be my only other worry, if he is being forceful about an apology directly from you.

Like PP I would not apologise, you have nothing to apologise for

Why do you think the apology should be from you?

I can understand the guest demanding an apology but how has that translated to it being from you???

I don't know that you need to apologise to him but I imagine he could be absolutely bricking it about what rumours might go around and the impact on his reputation. He took the wrong course of action following you to your car but I imagine he was in absolute panic about what he might be accused of and trying to get an assurance that you understood it was not his fault.

I would send him a clear written email that you understand he, like you, was set up, and that you do not hold him responsible for walking in on you. (As long as you are clear yourself on these points, of course).

Personally I wouldn't acknowledge that you know it wasn't his fault, because you DON'T know that - you were in the shower. For all you know, they could have been in cahoots. I'm not saying they were, but that might be something that comes up during Joker's disciplinary, and you don't want your words/reassurances to get in the way of that in any way.

If Guest comes back to you again I would just say something like, "with all due respect I don't want to talk to you about this any more. Please respect that." If he continues, say "I've asked you not to bring this up with me. Please stop." And rinse and repeat. Go to HR and get them to intervene if you have to.

My last point is about being on MN - I could see this thread being something the papers pick up, and I know people are asking for more details, but I'd be very careful as it seems like quite a specific situation already. Again, you don't want to prejudice the disciplinary action.

I'm so sorry this happened to you!

Thanks again for the replies, lots of help for me and I’m meeting HR and my manager later to discuss this. I’ll be preparing some notes using some of your replies.

It’s a private leisure club, I work there permanently and the guest is a freelance coach so is sort of staff. The changing facilities do leave something to be desired as they are like old school changing rooms with a shower area open to the benches around the rest of the area. There’s a kind of u turn by the entrance so you can’t see in if the door is open. They are due a refurb and I will be suggesting cubicles.

You do not owe anyone an apology. Twat joker should be doing the apologising.

@VoyeursVictim
Absolutely you shouldn't say anything. The world is full of angry men expecting women to do the emotional heavy lifting for them, and this is a perfect example. He should be grown-up enough to think through that another man is responsible for this, and that actually, it should be he himself who should be saying to you, "We were both put in an embarrassing situation by [insert name]; how about we laugh this off in an awkward, English sort of way and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN!"

As this is a work-related issue, if it's not resolved shortly, suggest you raise this rapidly with HR/your manager.

I wouldn’t blame the OP for shouting and swearing!!

No, you DO NOT owe ANYONE an apology.

I hope that the wanker who set up this situation in which you were so dreadfully humiliated never ever finds employment again.

Can you not see that in the current climate, with the reaction of some (evidenced on here) that being labelled a man who goes around walking in on women showering would be very damaging, even if subsequently labelled as accidental, or with caveats added?

Absolutely true.
Many year ago my late OH was doing some supply teaching at a school where he'd worked until he retired and on Friday afternoon he took a group to the pool, he supervised the boys and a female member of the pool staff supervised the girls. When they were changing back he leaned with his back to the doo, open it slightly and told the boys to hurry up. At home a father stormed into the office and said been perving at the boys. The school put into motion the necessary procedures but on Monday morning the boy's mother breezed into the office and apologised, he's been 'off his fucking face' on skunk, or whatever. We had had a hell of a weekend, I seriously thought he might harm himself. Nothing else happened but from that day until his death 20+ years later that stuck with him and affected his relationships with his subsequent grandchildren.
Damage to innocent parties can be very severe.

@JudgeJ

Can you not see that in the current climate, with the reaction of some (evidenced on here) that being labelled a man who goes around walking in on women showering would be very damaging, even if subsequently labelled as accidental, or with caveats added?

Absolutely true.
Many year ago my late OH was doing some supply teaching at a school where he'd worked until he retired and on Friday afternoon he took a group to the pool, he supervised the boys and a female member of the pool staff supervised the girls. When they were changing back he leaned with his back to the doo, open it slightly and told the boys to hurry up. At home a father stormed into the office and said been perving at the boys. The school put into motion the necessary procedures but on Monday morning the boy's mother breezed into the office and apologised, he's been 'off his fucking face' on skunk, or whatever. We had had a hell of a weekend, I seriously thought he might harm himself. Nothing else happened but from that day until his death 20+ years later that stuck with him and affected his relationships with his subsequent grandchildren.
Damage to innocent parties can be very severe.

But it’s not the OP’s job to worry about this bloody man!!! She’s not responsible for him or his reaction!

@Pinklioness

As I pointed out both are victims, but you do not deal with both being victims by denying the experience of one of the victims

Which is exactly what the guest is doing by demanding an apology from the OP. Some reactions we can control, but it's quite proportionate to tell someone who is encroaching on your private space, particularly when you're feeling vulnerable as she was naked, to get out.

Equally, he should have left the OP alone until she'd been able to feel calmer and not chase her around, further encroaching on her personal space.

I'm mystified why you're defending the guest rather than the OP, except maybe because you'd invented the idea that she had been abusive, and like so many people these days, you can't back down from your original premise.

If you see one of my previous posts, when the OP stated that they did not swear at/abuse the second victim I then said that they have nothing to apologise for, which now that they have explained is perfectly reasonable.

I am defending both victims, I also think that both victims have to be reasonable in this. The OP deserves to have this dealt with properly, which in reality means that the "Joker" should be sacked, the other victim deserves to have reassurances that this will not be spread around as if it was his fault.

@JudgeJ

Can you not see that in the current climate, with the reaction of some (evidenced on here) that being labelled a man who goes around walking in on women showering would be very damaging, even if subsequently labelled as accidental, or with caveats added?

Absolutely true.
Many year ago my late OH was doing some supply teaching at a school where he'd worked until he retired and on Friday afternoon he took a group to the pool, he supervised the boys and a female member of the pool staff supervised the girls. When they were changing back he leaned with his back to the doo, open it slightly and told the boys to hurry up. At home a father stormed into the office and said been perving at the boys. The school put into motion the necessary procedures but on Monday morning the boy's mother breezed into the office and apologised, he's been 'off his fucking face' on skunk, or whatever. We had had a hell of a weekend, I seriously thought he might harm himself. Nothing else happened but from that day until his death 20+ years later that stuck with him and affected his relationships with his subsequent grandchildren.
Damage to innocent parties can be very severe.

What on earth has any of that got to do with the OP? She shouldn't be worrying about the damage limitation of this incident and playing it down to save someone else's reputation. That is down to the prankster and her employers to sort out.

He sounds almost as bad as the twat!

He could just have called from outside-"sorry, twat told me it was clear to use", & left it at that.

Why does he thnk that you would tell anyone at all (is it a funny(?) story that some would tell?) without adding that that he was told it was OK.

Does he know that the twat has form for pranks?

It wouldn't have taken much for him to have checked for himself before walking in would it?

@VoyeursVictim the guest is due an apology from the dickhead prankster, not you. Has he specified to someone that he wants an apology from you? If so tell him to fuck off. Yes he was a victim of this prank but you were way worse off. I hope dickhead prankster is sacked asap.

While they were both victims of the Joker, I feel he is now verging on revictimising the OP, with his requests for an apology. That is not okay.

@NoYOUbekind

You can quote silly rules but that means nothing, this is not an issue of men vs women, it is an issue of one arsehole vs normal, decent people. The fact that you feel the need to turn it into part of some ideological battle reflects badly on you.

I completely disagree with you. Joker played a sexist prank with a very sexual element (why did he send a man in to see a woman naked and not a man?); OP has previously been the victim of voyeurism; Guest is centering his experience in the narrative.

How can this NOT be ideological? This is how ideology shows up in real life...

This is not ideological because "Arsehole" is not an ideology. The "Joker" is an arsehole, his silly little game was to make himself feel powerful and did not think of how it would impact others (or did think, but did not care).

The OP has said that she was previously been a victim of voyeurism, that is a horrible thing, but it also has no bearing on this incident, where the perpetrator has to face the consequences of their actions, not of someone else's past actions. The "joker" should be sacked, I can not think of anywhere where I have worked where his behaviour would not be gross misconduct (and rightly so), that is the only realistic resolution the OP can hope for as I do not think a criminal boundary has been crossed. The other victim also deserves reassurances that he will not be labelled as a "voyeur" because he was not one, but also an unfortunate victim, used as a tool in the perpetrator's actions.

You seem to want to side with one victim and ignore the second, that is not justice or fairness. Both deserved to have their needs met within the structures available to them, the perpetrator deserves to face the consequences of their actions, it is not about ideology, but about fairness and justice.

It’s a private leisure club, I work there permanently and the guest is a freelance coach so is sort of staff. The changing facilities do leave something to be desired as they are like old school changing rooms with a shower area open to the benches around the rest of the area

Do you mean that the showers are all communal or that there are no private changing cubicles??? Either would be really really weird especially for a private health club. Is it in the UK?

I agree this is outrageous- you have zero apologies to make to anyone!!! Honestly I would also consider taking action outside of works’ disciplinary structure tbh. I’d see it as total invasion of privacy and not acceptable at work or any other scenario. If you were at the gym and a male stranger burst in what would you do? Not okay in any context!!!!!

He deserves an apology, but not from you!

@ItsNotMeAnymore

It’s a private leisure club, I work there permanently and the guest is a freelance coach so is sort of staff. The changing facilities do leave something to be desired as they are like old school changing rooms with a shower area open to the benches around the rest of the area

Do you mean that the showers are all communal or that there are no private changing cubicles??? Either would be really really weird especially for a private health club. Is it in the UK?

Is it weird? I've been in loads of changing rooms like this.

Please take someone with you to your meeting with management and HR. If you are in a union call them and ask for advice/ support even if meeting is moved back. If not take a colleague friend to support you/take notes.

I have to admit I read your OP as he wanted to give you an apology and wanted you to listen to it.

To expect you to apologise and follow you to your car expecting one is so utterly unreasonable I'd put him down as being as bad as the joker colleague tbh and I would certainly be asking management to get him to back off.

You can only apologise when you have done something wrong, you haven't therefore can't apologise.

Id be asking why you are still suffering from this prick and why is he only being dealt with now that he involved big important man

@MsPavlichenko

Please take someone with you to your meeting with management and HR. If you are in a union call them and ask for advice/ support even if meeting is moved back. If not take a colleague friend to support you/take notes.

Absolutely agree with this, you should never attend an HR meeting on your own even if you are not the party facing disciplinary action. With regard to taking notes you are totally within your rights to record the meeting, so long as you tell them first (note tell, not ask).