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Original poster

Should I apologise for my reaction at being the victim of a stupid prank

268 replies

VoyeursVictim · 07/09/2021 11:54

Posting here as this is more looking for advice about the people involved than the actions that were committed. Sorry if it’s long.

Stupid male colleague thinks he’s the work joker, lots of inappropriate jokes and behaviour, I’ve complained about him before as some of his pranks could cause serious injuries to someone. We had a guest in the work location, for the sake of this imagine it’s a sports centre and the staff shower and change there.

The men’s shower was broken when male guest visited and so there was taking in turns using the women’s. Joker colleague told him that the shower was free for men so in he walked, to see me in all my glory. I freaked out as I have had issues with a previous boyfriend and a secret camera in his bedroom so this is a trigger for me feeling really violated and vulnerable. In the moment I just had to walk away as soon as I was dressed and told guest to leave me alone as he was chasing after me saying joker told me it was ok and it wasn’t his (guest’s) fault.

Joker colleague is being dealt with, finally he’s facing real action this time and he’s facing dismissal. My post isn’t about him but the guest.

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked. He’s worrying about his reputation and repercussions of this being generally known about.

I don’t feel I should apologise or give any such commitment. He’s as much a victim of the prank as I am admittedly.

What would you advise me to say to this person?

OP posts:
MatildaIThink · 07/09/2021 12:26

@LegendaryReady

Wow. It really isn't. If you stand on someone's toe by accident do you expect them to apologise to you for saying 'ow'?

No but I might expect an apology if they'd screamed abuse at me over it or told others I'd done it deliberately. Especially if I lived in a world where stepping on toes could ruin careers.

+100
pickingdaisies · 07/09/2021 12:28

Guest should absolutely not have followed you out, OP. He's made it all about him, I can't understand why he wasn't in HR playing merry hell about what Prankster did! Apologise? Provide reassurance??? Why the hell didn't he knock on the door first anyway? Wanker.

AramintaLee · 07/09/2021 12:28

@LegendaryReady

Perhaps apology is the wrong word but it would be reasonable to acknowledge it wasn't his fault.

What's happening about the other man?

Yeah I agree with this. Maybe the way you reacted (which was 100% understandable) made him think that YOU think he was in on it when he's also the victim of a cruel prank. You obviously don't owe him an apology but I think it's reasonable to be like "we were both wronged here, I know it wasn't your fault and we both deserve an apology from the colleague who pranked us"
SpanielRadcliffe · 07/09/2021 12:31

This is awful. I'm sorry it happened.

You don't owe Guest any apology, and you don't have to discuss the matter with him. If he is asking for an apology for your reaction, he's out of line - this kind of trauma is common enough that someone should be able to respect the fact that it might exist, without getting into someone's personal history.

If you'd prefer not to talk with Guest about this at all, I think it's reasonable to ask whoever is officially dealing with this (whoever is handling the issue with Joker) to deal directly with Guest and ask him to stop bringing it up directly with you and to go through them. I wouldn't make a blanket promise not to talk about it, but perhaps not to talk about it in the workplace/to other employees, except as requested as part of however management/HR is dealing with the situation. Whoever's in charge should be able to reassure Guest that the situation is contained and they've done what they can to prevent gossip.

Frankly, they should be apologising to both of you for not effectively dealing with Joker earlier and for not having a reasonable system in place to ensure privacy.

LadyOfLittleLeisure · 07/09/2021 12:31

"was tearful and shaking when I exited the shower room and guest was waiting for me and kept following me out of the building as I walked to my car. That’s when I said please just leave me alone. I got in my car and left. No swearing involved."

I actually think the guest owes you a personal apology for this and then the demanding you apologise. Even if he's worried about his innocence not being believed this is quite entitled and unacceptable behaviour in itself.

I just have no words for the "joker" Angry

AssassinatedBeauty · 07/09/2021 12:32

@SpanielRadcliffe

This is awful. I'm sorry it happened.

You don't owe Guest any apology, and you don't have to discuss the matter with him. If he is asking for an apology for your reaction, he's out of line - this kind of trauma is common enough that someone should be able to respect the fact that it might exist, without getting into someone's personal history.

If you'd prefer not to talk with Guest about this at all, I think it's reasonable to ask whoever is officially dealing with this (whoever is handling the issue with Joker) to deal directly with Guest and ask him to stop bringing it up directly with you and to go through them. I wouldn't make a blanket promise not to talk about it, but perhaps not to talk about it in the workplace/to other employees, except as requested as part of however management/HR is dealing with the situation. Whoever's in charge should be able to reassure Guest that the situation is contained and they've done what they can to prevent gossip.

Frankly, they should be apologising to both of you for not effectively dealing with Joker earlier and for not having a reasonable system in place to ensure privacy.

I was just about to post pretty much exactly what @SpanielRadcliffe has said here. Your reaction was totally understandable and you should not be made to feel like you have done anything wrong.
Muchasgracias · 07/09/2021 12:33

@VoyeursVictim

Oh wow, thanks for all the replies and support. I am not thinking very well as this has brought back some bad memories so it’s good to know I am not going mad thinking why should I apologise?!

To answer some questions:

Are you the senior manager being asked to apologise to the guest on behalf of the organisation, or are they asking for you to give a personal apology to him?

More on a personal basis.

Did you shout or swear at him?

No, I screamed and said why are you in here? Guest went out and then I got dressed while trying to prevent myself having a panic attack. I was tearful and shaking when I exited the shower room and guest was waiting for me and kept following me out of the building as I walked to my car. That’s when I said please just leave me alone. I got in my car and left. No swearing involved.

I’m so sorry you had to go through that at work. Your colleague is a disgraceful little prick.

If the company pursued me over this I’d ask them to put their request and rationale in writing and tell them you’ll consult your lawyer before committing to any assurances over this incident, especially as the incident is sensitive and involves possible dismissal of a colleague. See how far they get putting their frankly ridiculous request onto paper…

It sounds like a desperate move to save a contract or something. If they’d dealt with this colleague earlier they wouldn’t be in this position now and it’s entirely their problem to resolve.

I hope you feel better soon.

ChaToilLeam · 07/09/2021 12:33

Do not apologize. You were not at fault, you were not rude, you were in a situation of fear and panic. This man is making it all about himself and his reputation, whereas you were afraid of an actual physical assault.

The only thing that needs to be said now is that you appreciate there was no ill intent on his part and the matter is now being dealt with. You do not want to discuss it further with anyone. Then enter into no further communication. And no fucking apology.

Dashel · 07/09/2021 12:34

I wouldn’t apologise to anyone for this, you had the worst violation in this situation not the guest.

I would say that whilst you don’t blame the guest for walking in but you are not apologising for the situation.

If the situation was reversed and you walked in on him, would you apologise if you had walked in on a naked person? I would apologise in the guests position - even though it wasn’t my fault, I would still feel bad and be sorry that I made someone else so uncomfortable.

If he asks you again for an apology then I would be talking to HR

NotSure94 · 07/09/2021 12:34

As if you would want to go around telling people! I'd say YOU deserve the biggest apology and I'd be tempted to press charges on that horrible colleague - that's a horrific prank to play. And in response to an earlier poster saying you should apologise if you swore - which you didn't - even if you did swear and shout that's absolutely reasonable given that you were naked with an expectation of privacy.

Don't engage with anyone but HR. Personally I reckon you deserve to be compensated for what sounds like a really distressing thing.

Ticksallboxes · 07/09/2021 12:35

What?? You don't need to apologise!!

The Joker needs to apologise to both you and the guest.

Unfashionable · 07/09/2021 12:35

What an awful situation for you. I hope the dickhead responsible is sacked but I can also understand the guest’s perspective. From his POV, he has entered the women’s changing area where he has seen a naked woman. He is understandably worried that he could be branded a voyeur or pervert by people who don’t know the full story.
You obviously don’t owe him an apology because you & he were both victims of the ‘prank’, but you could reassure him that you don’t hold it against him and you are not going to make any formal allegations against him or gossip about him.

Pinklioness · 07/09/2021 12:36

As I pointed out both are victims, but you do not deal with both being victims by denying the experience of one of the victims

Which is exactly what the guest is doing by demanding an apology from the OP. Some reactions we can control, but it's quite proportionate to tell someone who is encroaching on your private space, particularly when you're feeling vulnerable as she was naked, to get out.

Equally, he should have left the OP alone until she'd been able to feel calmer and not chase her around, further encroaching on her personal space.

I'm mystified why you're defending the guest rather than the OP, except maybe because you'd invented the idea that she had been abusive, and like so many people these days, you can't back down from your original premise.

NoYOUbekind · 07/09/2021 12:36

You can quote silly rules but that means nothing, this is not an issue of men vs women, it is an issue of one arsehole vs normal, decent people. The fact that you feel the need to turn it into part of some ideological battle reflects badly on you.

I completely disagree with you. Joker played a sexist prank with a very sexual element (why did he send a man in to see a woman naked and not a man?); OP has previously been the victim of voyeurism; Guest is centering his experience in the narrative.

How can this NOT be ideological? This is how ideology shows up in real life...

annacondom · 07/09/2021 12:36

I think you should be at liberty to talk about this incident if you wish,without naming Guest. I would reassure Guest that you realise he was set up, and won't be telling anyone who it was who walked in on you. If he waited for you to dress and then followed you to your car then yes, he is worried about his reputation. I'm very sorry this happened to you. But you are safe and I hope you can put this behind you, and talking to a friend about it may help - a friend who doesn't know Guest. (I say this as someone who has also been raped.)

ItsNotMeAnymore · 07/09/2021 12:37

I also think it's weird that the showers and changing room didn't have a way of locking the doors. Even if the communal areas don't you would have thought there would be cubicles. It's a bit of a shit design. Plenty of women don't want to get changed in front of other people including other women

What type of company is this?

wewereliars · 07/09/2021 12:38

Sorry this happened to you OP, you owe no one apology.

The "joker" should be sacked, ha bloody ha. The guest is a total arse too and had absoluetly no business following you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/09/2021 12:38

Tell whoever is asking/relaying this man's request/demand

I feel I have been violated, embarrassed enough by this incident. If you feel that your potential distress, loss of face, is any worse than the utter disrespect I have been shown by the actions of X then you need to think again. I have absolutely no intention of meeting you, speaking to you, exchanging any further communication with you.

And leave him to it.

And make damn sure the twat who did this has his reputation trashed. Fuckwitted Pollock!

GemmaRuby · 07/09/2021 12:39

You absolutely do not owe anyone an apology.

Even if you had screamed, swore and shouted you would have been justified, I would be terrified if a man suddenly walked in on me showering (and I have no history of any trauma).

Guest should have waited for you and profusely apologised and explained he didn’t know you were showering. He definitely shouldn’t have followed you though.

I understand him not wanting you telling people because he wouldn’t want people to think he’s a pervert and did it deliberately. However it is your right to tell who you want, he can’t demand that you don’t tell anyone. I’m sure you don’t particularly want to tell anyone either.

Again, you definitely don’t owe him an apology. He owes you one for scaring you (even though he didn’t do it deliberately) and for harassing you afterwards.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/09/2021 12:39

What are you meant to apologise for? That's ridiculous. You have NO apology to make to anyone for anything.

However surely you wouldn't be going around telling everyone "Steve walked in on me naked in the shower" as that's quite unfair.

BlackShadowCat · 07/09/2021 12:40

Guest has said that the situation demands an apology and they want reassurance that I am not going to go around telling anyone that he walked in and saw me naked.

Well, he did walk in and see you naked. Confused

I think maybe it needs a few days for things to settle down. I think your workplace should apologise to the guest and reassure him that nobody blames him for what happened. I don't think he can expect to speak to you personally about it as obviously you are very upset by what happened. I really hope the "joker" does get fired.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/09/2021 12:41

chocolate orange you have got to be kidding! OP was rude to tell him to leave her alone?

Unbelievable!

GemmaRuby · 07/09/2021 12:42

Don’t downplay this, it’s not a stupid prank.
It’s a violation, and you’re entitled to react however you want.
If someone ran you over in their car (by accident) and you screamed at them in the heat of the moment, would you apologise? I wouldn’t.

dreamingbohemian · 07/09/2021 12:43

What the fuck! Why on earth would YOU apologise?

Tell him to get fucked

Okay fine, more diplomatically:

I am not going to apologise when I have done nothing wrong. If you have any concerns, speak with my employer, do not contact me again.

GreyhoundG1rl · 07/09/2021 12:43

He's surely not requesting an apology from you?
You both deserve an apology from the joker arsehole.