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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend has lost his head and I'm due a baby in 5 weeks

277 replies

keegslittlepenguin · 05/09/2021 13:45

Hello

Hoping someone can offer advice

My partner and I got together last June, I fell pregnant in January and we both planned the baby.

Before I fell pregnant everything was great,

Slowly he started to change even said he didn't want the baby,

He started a new job 3 months ago and changed more

Then out of nowhere he said he feels time is running out and wants to go out with the lads.

I let him have a full weekend staying at his mates where he done what he wanted

He said he's gonna do it weekly until baby is here

I told him I think it's unfair sleeping out every weekend

Even his family agree with me

I have also had issues with baby and upto a month ago he said he didn't want her and admitted he is really scared about bring a dad

He come to a scan 2 weeks ago and cried and realised he does want her he's scared which I totally understand

After a series of arguments over him wanting to be out and naming absolutely no effort with me he's gone to his sisters

He has been out all weekend again and said he will.come tonight and stay.

Question is do I let him continue his blow outs how long do I allow it or do I just call it a day because he's leaving me at my most vulnerable time.

I do love him and feel none of my feelings have been taken into consideration at all he's been very selfish

Any advice welcome

OP posts:
SudokuZebra · 06/09/2021 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pianolessons1 · 06/09/2021 08:50

@SudokuZebra

Tbh *@pianolessons1*, I don't understand why you wouldn't have him on the birth certificate. From the posts above, it sounds very unlikely that he would due the op for custody , so surely it would be better for the child to have a factual recording of both parents on the birth certificate.
If he's on the birth certificate he has control over her til the child is 18, she can't take the child abroad on holiday without his permission etc etc.
Original poster
keegslittlepenguin · 06/09/2021 08:53

Hi all

Thank you so much for your unsupportive advice, you have certainly restored my faith in human kind.

I asked for advice not to be judged.

And to those supportive replies thank you so much it really means alot.

I have already made plans and put in place for myself and my children.

Financially, we have already agreed what he will pay, his family are amazing and I have their full support.

I have already decided not to put him on the birth certificate, also, visitation has also been agreed under the supervision of his sister as I feel it would be irresponsible to leave a baby with him.

He needs to prove himself as a father

He has been amazing with my older two and still is. They adore him,

I am not a stupid person nor am I uneducated, yes I got wrapped up in the whole situation we fell in love. How many people wait years and have a child and split up??

I know I'm not the 1st or last!

I already knew what I needed to do and was seeking advice to cement what I was thinking.

I really hope all you people who have judged me and made assumptions never find yourself in a situation to where you are judged and ridiculed!

OP posts:
SudokuZebra · 06/09/2021 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naunet · 06/09/2021 08:55

I’m sorry OP, but you’ve really made some terrible choices here. You met a man and within 6 months, moved him in, introduced him to your children and PLANNED a pregnancy, and now you’re surprised that you don’t actually know him as well as you thought? I mean seriously, what did you expect? You’ve been incredibly irresponsible and I don’t see you as a victim in this at all.

However, what’s done is done so now you have to work out the best way to move forward. This man doesn’t seem to be someone who is going to be a great father, and frankly I don’t think he should be in your house when he’s acting the way he is. Tell him to move out and move your relationship back several steps. Discuss childcare with him and see how much he intends to be involved as unfortunately there are no laws to force fathers to step up as parents, so it’s going to be his own choice as to how much he does.

You need to start accepting that you’ll be doing this alone, it’s better to plan for that and then any involvement he does have is a bonus, than to plan to do it with him, and be constantly hurt and let down.

Do you have a support system around you?

I would also suggest seeing a therapist, I think it might really help you get through this, and learn why you made such bad choices.

Good luck.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 06/09/2021 08:56

I have already decided not to put him on the birth certificate, also, visitation has also been agreed under the supervision of his sister as I feel it would be irresponsible to leave a baby with him.

Wow! He's gone from a somewhat misunderstood man child to a danger to the baby overnight!

Urghhhhh · 06/09/2021 08:57

@SudokuZebra

Nice to see you being vile to someone else regarding pregnancy *@Urghhhhh*. Whilst I'm genuinely sorry the OP has to read your horrible , nasty and judgemental bile; it's made me realise you clearly have a thing for being nasty to pregnant women online Hmm
Thanks for singling me out when there's dozens other posters saying the exact same thing as me on this thread. I'm done interracting with you.
Original poster
keegslittlepenguin · 06/09/2021 08:59

Where have I said he is a danger?? I think I am acting responsible by asking his sister to help him when he has his child as this is his 1st child and he has already said he is scared etc. Your comment is not helpful

OP posts:
SudokuZebra · 06/09/2021 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Odisia · 06/09/2021 09:06

I can't understand why so many people are piling into the OP. She came on here to ask for advice, not to be judged. Some people are just telling the OP how stupid she's been and not offering any advice at all.

OP, it's not an ideal situation but my view is that you should focus on doing what's best for your baby, your other children and for you.
Carve out a life without him and if he proves to be a responsible partner and father at a later date then decide at that point whether to let him into your lives. Definitely don't put up with this ridiculous behaviour from him.

It sounds like you have good support and I wish you and the baby well.

SudokuZebra · 06/09/2021 09:08

This reply has been deleted

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ThatSunnyCorner · 06/09/2021 09:12

I'm completely confused by this thread Confused It's gone from 'should I allow my partner to spend his weekends away partying' to arranging supervised visitation and what appears to be maintenance in the space of a few posts from the OP. What happened in between?

overnightangel · 06/09/2021 09:16

“OP agrees with her partner to try for a baby and is prepared”
@SudokuZebra
Well obviously she wasn’t prepared 🥴.
Also, she’s only known this bloke 6 months and has openly admitted she expects nothing of him, all the while disregarding her 11 and 14 year old children in all of this.
THAT’S why she’s being criticised

SeriouslyISuppose · 06/09/2021 09:17

@SudokuZebra

Agree *@Odisia*. I just don't understand why on a support forums for parents , people think it's okay to be so nasty to a heavily pregnant woman who's clearly having a hard time. It's also the internalised misogyny that gets me. OP agrees with her partner to try for a baby and is prepared, he agrees and then acts like a total dickhead and yet it's OP who's criticised.
What people are criticising the OP for is for moving a very new boyfriend into a home that contains her two older children, quite apart from planning a baby with someone she hardly knew. They’re criticising her own poor judgement, not her boyfriend’s.
Naunet · 06/09/2021 09:18

@SudokuZebra

Agree *@Odisia*. I just don't understand why on a support forums for parents , people think it's okay to be so nasty to a heavily pregnant woman who's clearly having a hard time. It's also the internalised misogyny that gets me. OP agrees with her partner to try for a baby and is prepared, he agrees and then acts like a total dickhead and yet it's OP who's criticised.
They should both be criticised, they’ve both behaved terribly, and with children involved, it’s not just themselves they’ve put through this unnecessary drama. Having said that, it will be OP left to pick up the pieces whilst he gets to walk away if he wants to.
SirChenjins · 06/09/2021 09:20

What people are criticising the OP for is for moving a very new boyfriend into a home that contains her two older children, quite apart from planning a baby with someone she hardly knew. They’re criticising her own poor judgement, not her boyfriend’s

Oh I’m criticising both her and the idiot BF.

I imagine that the OP has now hidden the thread and moved on - it has been a bit of a pile-on.

Clymene · 06/09/2021 09:21

What as ice are you looking for @keegslittlepenguin?

SudokuZebra · 06/09/2021 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lyntheyresexpeople · 06/09/2021 09:23

@keegslittlepenguin

Where have I said he is a danger?? I think I am acting responsible by asking his sister to help him when he has his child as this is his 1st child and he has already said he is scared etc. Your comment is not helpful
It's not normal in most cases, for people to plan a baby with someone they don't trust to have their own child overnight, or to be on the birth certificate. In that sense, you are implying he's a danger to your child. It's not fair to plan to bring a baby into the world, that you wouldn't trust to be alone with their father. I'm sorry but it's not:
SudokuZebra · 06/09/2021 09:24

This reply has been deleted

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SeriouslyISuppose · 06/09/2021 09:28

@SudokuZebra

It's also not normal to pile in and upset /insult a heavily pregnant women. Well at least it's not normal in real life, Mumsnet seems to be a different planet...
Pregnant women aren’t some species that are magically immune to the effects of their own bad decisions. TheOP’s decisions led to the mess she’s in, and subjecting her other children to.
TooMuchPaper · 06/09/2021 09:28

@SudokuZebra
Why would the 11 and 14 year old be damaged by having a new sibling ?
It's not the new sibling that's damaging. It's the new man in their mother's life who might be. He moved into their family home and is now disappearing for weekends at at time while she is pretending to them that he is working. Children aren't stupid.

Nietzschethehiker · 06/09/2021 09:29

No judgement from me about planning the baby (seriously its done now what is the point in bringing it up repeatedly?)

However huge judgement to him about using his upbringing as an excuse. No. My DP had a horrific upbringing that involved abuse and homelessness as did my Exdh. Whilst Exdh wasn't a great husband he is a great dad and neither of them once tried to run away and play silly buggers with the DC because of their upbringing.

DP has far more reason than most to run like hell at the thought of family but people make a choice.

Personally his behaviour would be the end for me, partly because I would lose every ounce of respect for him, but if you are set on giving him another chance set boundaries now. He either comes back and steps up like a bloody adult or he walks away. (Not from the child but from the relationship).

Seriously...what are you doing ? Why are you accepting this ? You have raised other children and can stand on your own two feet , why in hell are you accepting this selfinvolved childish behaviour? He is not 18 , he's a grown man. If he can't see that now is the time to get his head out of his backside why the hell are you settling for this crap?

I mean honestly, getting pissed with his mates is this big important milestone for him is it? Why in hell do you have a single ounce of respect for this manchild?

Lilymossflower · 06/09/2021 09:36

You need to leave him asap. Single motherhood is ahead of you. And it will be a hell of a lot easier on your own than dragging that sorry excuse for a man along with you

B1rthis · 06/09/2021 09:39

"Step up or step out. I have two dependents and one on the way. I don't need a fourth dependent so make a decision before I make it for you."