Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Dropdeadfred2

I meant he had travelled home at weekend on train... so v tiring

I very much doubt you have blown it. It's a shame he didn't think ahead and realise he might not be up for anything on that date but there you are. You showed you care about him.

@Dropdeadfred2 it sounds as if you were really lovely to him, at a time he probably needed it. Doesn't sound to me as if you've blown it at all. If he was unresponsive / didn't react the way you expected, that seems very normal/understandable given the anniversary of his dad's death - I wouldn't take it personally. Hang in there

Thanks @VanGoghsDog and @PurpleStripyScarf... it was just such a weird atmosphere... i totally understand his feelings i just wish he had just said no don't come over I'm going to bed etc
He leaves for home at the end of the week and will then be over 150 miles away again. I've loved the last few weeks with him being so close. I'm just sad this might be the last time i see him

@Dropdeadfred2

Is this your anxiety/overthinking playing up a bit?

Maybe detach from the situation for a day or so - do some things for yourself and put your phone in the drawer, and check in with him when you’re feeling more relaxed and happy in yourself.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Dropdeadfred2

Is this your anxiety/overthinking playing up a bit?

Maybe detach from the situation for a day or so - do some things for yourself and put your phone in the drawer, and check in with him when you’re feeling more relaxed and happy in yourself.[/quote]
Thanks...i have had times where I've been anxious.. but this time i just feel sad cos i feel like i pushed myself on him at a time where he really didn't want to see anyone. I actually feel quite calm... just sad

@Dropdeadfred2 I agree with @PurpleStripyScarf. I don't think you've blown it at all from what you've written. You sound like you did a really fab thing by being there for him. It sounds like he understandably maybe wasn't thinking straight at the time. Don't worry about feeling anxious, that's understandable given how things turned out, just remember it wasn't your fault, and you did absolutely the right thing ❤️❤️❤️

Thanks @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards. I just feel like something had changed. Anyway not a lot i can do now... I'll just wait and see

I think it’s fine @Dropdeadfred2, like you said it wasn't like he said don’t come and you did. Its ok, he was dealing with feelings and memories poor thing. Hope you're ok today x

@Isitreallyme177 you predicted he’d be in that 😁 lucky you weren’t planning to meet today, weather’s due to be rubbish all day 🌧

[quote Earlgrey19]@Mynameisbetter it takes a while to navigate OLD, I think.

@BelladiMamma something I’m not sure when to mention to men is that my kid’s Dad had cancer last year. He’s come through treatment well and is having the kids almost 50% atm. But he’s at quite high risk of recurrence. I mentioned on a first date a couple of times to men who (for other reasons: poor matches) I never saw again, and have since questioned how much I want to tell (about former relationships, the cancer etc) to someone I don’t know and may well never see again. I’d appreciate views about when to mention the cancer. If dates were progressing with someone of course I would mention. But how early on? I have to admit I fear being offputting as I am also separated, not yet divorced, and have 2 young kids. I worry others may think “you shouldn’t even be dating”. But then I think that’s wrong. I am single. Im not emotionally involved with my ex…

On a related note, there are days when I think I fear no one will want me if I end up being a lone parent. And then my thoughts go back to a really emotionally dangerous ex, who still apparently loves me, Mr Heartbreaker, as he loved my kids, they loved him, he’s great with kids and his son is a similar age to mine… 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry for long spiel.[/quote]
I hope you don't mind me picking up on this from a few pages back. I woke early and stuff like this runs through my mind!

I was wondering if you're in the right place for dating right now? I don't see anything wrong with looking for a serious relationship at all, and being open to blended families or bringing your relationship and family together at some point, but I was concerned about your fear of being a lone parent driving your decisions? I do understand, although I'm in a co-parenting situation so I'm looking to keep things separate. But I do think you need to be comfortable with yourself and your situation before adding to it.

I would only discuss your ex and how that effects your new relationship at a time when you know things are moving on to a more serious direction. Mentioning it a couple of dates in would be quite overwhelming to most people I think, as it implies a level of seriousness to the relationship that they might not be expecting a couple of dates in.

(Apols if I misunderstood the lone parent thing, reading back I think I understand what you're saying)

@Earlgrey19 hello! I can offer advice as a long-term lone parent to one DS. It’s not been the easiest of rides for sure but it has never stopped me from getting dates. It is much better to get to a place where you accept/even be happy with being a single parent. I have a great relationship with my DS we are super close. It’s also a mind-set issue too. For years i stuck to the stereo-type single parent, but it really wasn’t how others saw me, they saw me as a mum and a friend only i was putting myself in that box and locking the key. I can understand the familiarity and comfort your ex may offer but its far better to get into a good headspace and perhaps hold out for a relationship with someone who you feel could be right for you.

@PurpleStripyScarf welcome to the thread

I don’t profess to be an expert but I’m learning with each date/relationship I have and this thread is my lifeline!
In relation to the ex situation I pretty much do as you have described at the start:

Normally I’ve just got around it by saying something like “things can be a bit tricky/strained” and not really elaborating beyond that

I don’t think you owe anyone more than that. I know you are trying to get to know each other but at the start that’s usually at more of a superficial level-shared likes/dislikes seeing is there sexual chemistry, values over important things. The inner workings of your personal life can wait until you see how things go. I only disclose things on a need to know basis

@Isitreallyme177 how did you feel around Mr Cricket? He does seem to see you as a good friend but is this definitely what you’re happy with? He sounds like he’s in a very ‘up in the air’ with his (haha) situation whereas you seem to be more settled. Perhaps he’s oldschool with the paying. MrE has always treated me to coffee’s/drinks and he doesn’t drink and i’ve treated us to a take-away so it’s quite relaxed. If you’d like to treat him just mention it perhaps?
@shayelle2009 How’s the tooth? My mum’s friend had a ‘wandering absecess once and i thought ‘what the hecks that?’ but hope you are on the mend!
@Dropdeadfred2 i wouldn’t think you’ve blown it either. But losing someone so close is heavy. And as difficult as it may be i suppose he really does need space to gather himself.
Someone posted about finding the waiting game tricky with texts and really no amount of watching/waiting for replies will make them come any faster. Hard to find the balance between keen and over-keen. If there is anything i have learned it is most definitely that patience pays of big time as well as matching communication styles. However if you can’t match it then perhaps further down the line it’ll be even tougher. I think and i’m guilty too of needing a lot of reassurance but having had to be the ‘reassurer’ for MrE it does get quite draining. If their interested you’ll know about it, if your confused then you have to get those awkward questions out there to see if you are in fact compatible.
@Heartbeats0708 maybe MrD likes you take the lead with chatting perhaps he isn’t a natural conversationalist? And someone did say earlier that couples who are able to ‘enjoy silences’ together are very healthy which i suppose also ties in with being able to calmly text/call every few days rather than all the time.

Thanks @Misty9 it's definitely not like that, doesn't feel actively awkward but sometimes I struggle to relax into it. And he never shoots down my conversation, will usually pick it up and go with it happily.
@Naimee87 yes it would appear he's fine with me taking the lead. I'm seeing him this week and I'm going to make a point of checking in with myself on how it feels. Considering we've not been seeing each other that long, I do feel very comfortable in his company, which I think speaks volumes.

@Dropdeadfred2 I'm so sorry to hear about your bloke's anniversary. These times are so hard and sometimes we lack the words to deal with it. I am sure that it was nice for him not to be completely alone that evening. I hope things go ok for you and him 💗

@PurpleStripyScarf over a few threads some of us have discussed how there are some guys who might exploit your past trauma to creat a false sense of intimacy and also dependency early on. These types are to be avoided at all costs as often they want you to be co dependent or controlled, so that they can establish a place in your life. It often leads to cocklodger type behaviour, where a bloke will move in on you and contribute nothing.

I probably haven't described it very well but I'm sure other threaders will be along soon and do a better job. And - welcome! 💗

@Dropdeadfred2

Thanks *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards*. I just feel like something had changed. Anyway not a lot i can do now... I'll just wait and see

@Dropdeadfred2 👍🏻❤️😘

@PurpleStripyScarf I'd add that sometimes you can find there are certain types of men who will try to draw that kind of information out of you, show a great interest in your history with for example an abusive husband, and before you know it you have shared some quite personal information. My first post-divorce OLD iron did this and in hindsight what seemed to me at the time was him taking an interest and being thoughtful was actually a way of getting me to share very personal and exposing information about past relationships. I don't know if it's conscious but it was only when my subsequent relationship didn't do that at all that I realised how much more appropriate that was. Very early on the first iron was very much 'on my side' about everything I told him about my past and it created a false sense of 'me and him against the world' when actually we hardly knew each other.

@Shayelle2009 today is so miserable, I've just had an early morning pt session so I'm set for the day now. There is something to be said for doing the session early.

@Naimee87 I'm okay. Dating did come up in conversation. So I said I wasn't doing any and had come off the apps as having to sift through all the weirdos wasn't good for me (he did comment on how much happier I am). He said he had been on a couple of dates with this woman he met but she turned into a weird stalker after 2 dates and constantly checked when he was on WhatsApp (it would explain his 'disappearance' when he suddenly stopped showing as last seen etc, and he said it wasn't me when i thought I'd done something). He also said he thinks he should give dating a miss until he has sorted himself out (probably a good idea) or all together. I was quite surprised at how undisappointed I was to hear he had been on some dates. He is going away this weekend and so am I so we're going to send each other photos from where we're going. The hug at the end was so so nice (and long), I don't think either of us wanted to let go😂🙈. He does give good hugs and I so miss a good hug.

I'm happy with good friends(I still fancy him mind you🤦‍♀️). I have offered to cook him dinner when he gets back, it would actually be nice to cook for someone for a change and that is what I said to him.

Hi everyone,

Just had a appointment with my doctor. They're going to increase my anxiety medication and hope that does the trick.

I did ask them about therapy put I think they can only refer me to the organisation I've seen before (with the tick sheets 😳) so I think if I want proper therapy, I might have to seek help privately. ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards those tick sheets are used at the beginning of NHS therapy sessions to monitor the patient’s mental health each week - they are not the therapy itself. I’ve had several different goes over the years and they usually ask you to complete them before each session starts.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Hi everyone,

Just had a appointment with my doctor. They're going to increase my anxiety medication and hope that does the trick.

I did ask them about therapy put I think they can only refer me to the organisation I've seen before (with the tick sheets 😳) so I think if I want proper therapy, I might have to seek help privately. ❤️

That organization will have a range of methods and approaches so you can ask about that. If I were you, I'd take the referral and go with it to see what they can offer.

The NHS does, sadly, do some lazy ineffective "therapy" but you might strike lucky and get a more useful practitioner.

I once had to do CBT on a website called Silver Cloud, it was totally useless. But it's an entry so if it doesn't help you can go back and they can refer you for something different.

Glad you've spoken to them though.

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards those tick sheets are used at the beginning of NHS therapy sessions to monitor the patient’s mental health each week - they are not the therapy itself. I’ve had several different goes over the years and they usually ask you to complete them before each session starts.[/quote]
@ibelieveinmirrorballs I know. I've had that type of counselling when I was first diagnosed with anxiety. The 'tick sheet' method didn't help me, so I want to avoid doing it again. ❤️

I've had gazillions of therapy and I've never been asked to fill in a tick sheet.

Just tell them you fund it unhelpful and would rather talk things through.

@VanGoghsDog I think it is an organisation called IAPT who does the 'tick sheet' method. I find it in not affective as I personally can feel a bit brighter some days but not others, and sometimes the anxiety can just come on out of nowhere ❤️