Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Eesha thank you. I know what you're saying and I shouldn't feel inadequate as I'm not. I just don't like someone constantly paying for me. He hasn't let me pay once and I don't want him to see me as a sponge. It's almost like he thinks as he earns more or is the man he has to pay each time. Today we sat down and before I even had a chance to get my purse out he was already up and going into the cafe to order the drinks. To me if we're out as friends we should split the bill. Maybe I'm too independent for my own good sometimes.

@Isitreallyme177 is it possible you’re interpreting his paying for you as an indication that he doesn’t just view you as friends? It is more consistent perhaps with him thinking if he has more money than you it’s more appropriate for him to pay - maybe he’s understood there is a difference in your earning capacity?

I agree with @Eesha in that you are financially independent and most definitely not inadequate.

@Isitreallyme177 Why don’t you say to him next time before you meet that you’ll only go if he accepts it’s your turn to pay?

@Naimee87

it sounds massively-couply to me the day you two spent together including all the bedroom stuff, sounds rather perfect. But it seems he wants to play 'lets be in a relationship for one day a week.' And it doesn't sound like he is open to changing his mind? How strong are your feelings for him? Are you also 100% sure he isn't seeing other women? I'm just hoping that this setup doesn't cause you more negative emotions than positive ones.

He doesn't have one day a week free. He works (mostly self employed, he's off injured from his part time employed role) or volunteers, or sees his kids or his parents seven days a week, and does have a bit of social life when it fits with his other stuff. This is all genuine, remember I've known him over three years and we have mutual friends who have known him longer.

I think he does want to be in a relationship (not me projecting but from things he has said and friends have said) but he's really wary of being hurt (his kink must make it tricky for him, plus his lifestyle) and I feel like he doesn't want to over commit and is "managing my expectations", though I'd prefer open honesty really.

The fact that he has set aside Wednesdays because I get a two hour lunch break is massive, it means he is literally turning down paid work to see me. He was (/is) keeping a week in Nov free for us, but he's just had an operation scheduled that will scupper that, but he needs it done and he's been waiting over a year.

When he's away he checks in with texts and photos every day or so and the odd video call.

My feelings - I fell for him the first day I met him over three years ago! So, they are very strong. But he doesn't know that.

Re other women - his kink (and bedroom issues) would preclude him seeing other women but of course one can never really be sure. He has said he won't so I have to go with that.

But, if I have a fab time with the other guy from the walking group then I might end up seeing more of him.

I could have MrWG and a FB, but not MrWG on the side if I was in another relationship. (I have told him this)

@BelladiMamma

DD is now free of breathing problems, has no temperature and is in the sitting on sofa watching shit American tv phase. Phew. Thanks for the hand hold!

Fantastic!!

@Isitreallyme177

I agree with @Eesha - obviously no one is sitting there on your meets and it’s just you there

but you do seem to be putting yourself in a fairly vulnerable place by putting MrCricket on this pedestal?

I hope he’s a principled guy, but also it seems like you’re thinking constantly about how to impress him/writing about him as if he’s completely honourable and trustworthy (creating this

dynamic where you’re the child figure and he’s the parent figure )

If he’s not a nice guy he may just have noted your interest and use your adoration for his own ends?

I’ve dated two pilots and both were very good at soft skills/“creating this special feeling”/paying for meets and taxis home etc.

Charm is clearly in their job description!

But both were very self-centred and clearly “liked getting female attention and adoration and company” .

And yes, watching for which women could host them so they could save all their salaries for themselves.

whilst only picking the youngest/best looking women to be romantically serious about.

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma i am skating on the thinnest ice i know! It was a very nice day and my DS was off all over the place with his friends. MrE had a birthday present for him and i asked DS would he prefer he come by or prefer i collect it and we open it just us together. He was OK with MrE joining and they chatted for a while! Hmmm i just don't ever listen/do the correct thing! Doesn't feel particularly great right now either being me. How's your daughter doing?
@MayEye. You sound far wiser than me! Or in a much better head-space where MrTG is concerned. I caved after a week and replied to him. Even i can't believe my own reactions. So replying will undoubtedly open a can of worms as it has done for me! But unfortunately (stupidly) i wouldn't go back and change my actions... i'm just so drawn to him. Not that any massive chat has taken place but he's massively apologetic and now sending flirty texts every so often. Likely he'll get bored and i suppose try the next person on his list. Stay Strong!
@VanGoghsDog it sounds massively-couply to me the day you two spent together including all the bedroom stuff, sounds rather perfect. But it seems he wants to play 'lets be in a relationship for one day a week.' And it doesn't sound like he is open to changing his mind? How strong are your feelings for him? Are you also 100% sure he isn't seeing other women? I'm just hoping that this setup doesn't cause you more negative emotions than positive ones.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards so happy you feel better. And never feel stupid about anything, look at me and the wonderful mess i have created not only for myself but for my DS too. I'm a nightmare! Shouldn't be allowed to date probably, i just get it all wrong! I think it's always good to get off your chest what you can and on here especially!! How's your course? Going ok so far?[/quote]
@Naimee87 of course you haven't made a 'wonderful mess!' You've just put your trust in a man and it sadly hadn't worked out. We are both in that camp.

Your DS will be okay as long as you're behind him, i'm sure 🥰

And of course you should date again ❤️😘😘😘😘

Glad your DD is improving @BelladiMamma that must be a relief!
@Naimee87 I don't want to be the moral police and feel free to ignore this but I think you need to tread very carefully here, for your DS as well as yourself. I appreciate it was a special occasion with your DS birthday but tbh I wouldn't have accepted a gift from Mr E given the timeline, which I think is same as me and Mr D, and the issue you've recently had between him and DS.
I don't need to tell you you're playing with fire with magnet-man, look after yourself! (All the above meant with love)

Oh I'm sorry, @Naimee. I thought you'd ended things with Mr E. my apologies ❤️

@Hehx3 I know the chosen emoji doesn't give you much to go on, but it's a nice emoji. I'd leave it till Wednesday/Thursday and maybe then send just a 'how are you feeling?' to put the ball back in his court. But as @Spring has said - be prepared that this may be the moment that sorts the flakes from the milk tray guys.

@Shayelle2009 I hope you've got on ok at the dentist. Toothache, let alone an abscess, is absolutely miserable, you wouldn't have been able to be at your best in the work thing anyway.

@Bella so good to hear your daughter's improved.

@Isitreallyme177 I agree with the observations already but just want to offer empathy - I know that kind of thing would make me feel confused too.

@Naimee87 I'm glad your son had a nice birthday.
I have to agree with @Heartbeats0708 about Mr E being there.
When you met and agreed to see how things went I thought that meant proper dating and not having your son there.
Having Mr E there on your son's birthday so soon after the incident snacks of you siding with Mr E which irrespective of who was right or wrong isn't what parents do.
Your son may have felt he had to say it was ok for Mr E to be there given he knows about what happened between you both.

@Shayelle2009 toothache is a bitch! (Speaking as someone who suffered a bad bout of Pulpitis recently) hope you get better soon. ❤️😘😘😘

@VanGoghsDog i see so there is plenty of history with you two as well and him setting aside this time seems like the only thing possible for him at the moment given how hectic things are for him. Is the FB + FWB something you’d like to be in? Sounds pretty fun if i’m honest although i’m fairly sure i’d emotionally attach to the unavailable one. As long as he’s not bringing you down and you feel he does care/value you as you seem to care about him an awful lot.
@Heartbeats0708 no no you’ve been great all the way through my journey. And i really appreciate all the advice and you are absolutely right here to call me out on how i am behaving. Especially as timelines fit and you’ve little children as well. I think the present was a way of trying to get us together to discuss the weekend stuff and the three of us talked things through again. I’ve agreed with MrE not to have him over or do things together with him and my DS. But we’ll meet in town to talk later this week.
Yes magnet-man is dangerous territory! 100% agree with this i’m trying my hardest to untangle myself but i cannot deny the fact that i am happy we are in touch which is not a good thing.
But @MayEye and @Dirtyduck sounds soo good to hear these success stories and see people are able to stay wise, keep their boundaries and enjoy themselves with decent blokes!
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i had every intention of ending things with MrE but when we met and i got everything off my chest he was incredibly apologetic and wanted to ‘try’ make us work. We’ve not defined at all what we are but to say things are complicated is definitely an understatement.

[quote Naimee87]@VanGoghsDog i see so there is plenty of history with you two as well and him setting aside this time seems like the only thing possible for him at the moment given how hectic things are for him. Is the FB + FWB something you’d like to be in? Sounds pretty fun if i’m honest although i’m fairly sure i’d emotionally attach to the unavailable one. As long as he’s not bringing you down and you feel he does care/value you as you seem to care about him an awful lot.
@Heartbeats0708 no no you’ve been great all the way through my journey. And i really appreciate all the advice and you are absolutely right here to call me out on how i am behaving. Especially as timelines fit and you’ve little children as well. I think the present was a way of trying to get us together to discuss the weekend stuff and the three of us talked things through again. I’ve agreed with MrE not to have him over or do things together with him and my DS. But we’ll meet in town to talk later this week.
Yes magnet-man is dangerous territory! 100% agree with this i’m trying my hardest to untangle myself but i cannot deny the fact that i am happy we are in touch which is not a good thing.
But @MayEye and @Dirtyduck sounds soo good to hear these success stories and see people are able to stay wise, keep their boundaries and enjoy themselves with decent blokes!
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards i had every intention of ending things with MrE but when we met and i got everything off my chest he was incredibly apologetic and wanted to ‘try’ make us work. We’ve not defined at all what we are but to say things are complicated is definitely an understatement.[/quote]
@Naimee87 I understand now. No judgement here, just do what feels right for you and your family. Sending you lots of ❤️! 😘😘

@Naimee87

I have to agree on the boundaries with MrE - he does seem a little needy and volatile from things you have written?

and although maybe you’re ok seeing how things go for now keeping a “firm boundary” between him and your son and lovely home life and space (that you’ve worked hard to create) sounds good?

Also you can and should have the control - MrE shouldn’t be “having a say” or discussing how much and how he interacts with your son?

Is MrE still out of work? I’d be a bit worried that he was just desperate to get his feet under the table at yours (which is why he’s paying too much attention to his interaction with your DS, and why you’ve picked up on him being needy/pushy)

and would keep him on “independent out dates only” until he got his independent life sorted.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Naimee87

I have to agree on the boundaries with MrE - he does seem a little needy and volatile from things you have written?

and although maybe you’re ok seeing how things go for now keeping a “firm boundary” between him and your son and lovely home life and space (that you’ve worked hard to create) sounds good?

Also you can and should have the control - MrE shouldn’t be “having a say” or discussing how much and how he interacts with your son?

Is MrE still out of work? I’d be a bit worried that he was just desperate to get his feet under the table at yours (which is why he’s paying too much attention to his interaction with your DS, and why you’ve picked up on him being needy/pushy)

and would keep him on “independent out dates only” until he got his independent life sorted.[/quote]
This 💯%

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@Naimee87

I have to agree on the boundaries with MrE - he does seem a little needy and volatile from things you have written?

and although maybe you’re ok seeing how things go for now keeping a “firm boundary” between him and your son and lovely home life and space (that you’ve worked hard to create) sounds good?

Also you can and should have the control - MrE shouldn’t be “having a say” or discussing how much and how he interacts with your son?

Is MrE still out of work? I’d be a bit worried that he was just desperate to get his feet under the table at yours (which is why he’s paying too much attention to his interaction with your DS, and why you’ve picked up on him being needy/pushy)

and would keep him on “independent out dates only” until he got his independent life sorted.[/quote]
Yes, I agree too, @Spring ❤️

Thank you. I have stared to emotionally detach from him. It does feel like a safer options as those signals are mixed and you are right it is better to be prepared - no more broken heart!

Also echoing @SpringlikeBunk, it's a good point about his work/independence situation too.
Can I ask for some advice please wise ones? Recently I've found myself thinking about rule 13..
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future.
I'm not sure how much the lack of general chatter/talking rubbish is going to bother me or if it's going to change. I don't want to throw away a really lovely relationship over this but I'm not accustomed to the quiet bits. When just relaxing/watching a movie it's fine and feels natural but other times I feel the need to drive conversation. I'm hoping that I can relax about it and he will open up a bit but it's holding me back. Thoughts?

.

I’m a bit like your Mr D Heartbeats, I tend to be quiet and as an introvert I’m not great at small talk or chatter for the sake of it. I do feel comfortable with silence though when I know the other person is too, otherwise I will start to try to fill it with chat but it’s a huge effort. Could that be it?
What bothers you? Is it silence itself or have you a fear you have nothing to say to each other?

@Isitreallyme177 Im sure you said once that he is a trader? He’s probably on ridiculous amounts.. why is he couch surfing when he could just rent somewhere? I bet he is thinking about your spare room.

[quote Shayelle2009]@Isitreallyme177 Im sure you said once that he is a trader? He’s probably on ridiculous amounts.. why is he couch surfing when he could just rent somewhere? I bet he is thinking about your spare room.[/quote]
Pilot I think.

@SpringlikeBunk @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards @ibelieveinmirrorballs thanks so much for the good wishes 💞💞💞
Got a course of antibiotics and not going tomorrow. I honestly feel like this abscess is a manifestation of the stress I have feeling about this week! Boss is being passive aggressive just blanking me today. I couldn't go if i wanted to with a balloon face. Sod em.

My therapist said that it's important in a relationship to be able to sit with silence with someone but still feel "right".

I've not tried it myself. I'm quite quiet and it annoys me when I feel I have to force or carry the conversation. I don't get that with MrWG, he never shuts up. He can tell a two minute story in two hours. Luckily I love his voice!