Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi everyone,

I'm writing this as I feel I owe everyone an apology.

I haven't been in a great place recently, and my recent posts on here have reflected this. I've took it all out on you all, and that's not fair.

I feel stupid about Mr Gambit (even though that's all been resolved now) I should have seen that he wasn't interested in going further with me, and I didn't see that. I've basically had a crush on a man who wouldn't commit to me for months now!

I just feel a bit silly for trying with him. It was pointless and stupid. I'm a lot happier now that everything's out in the open, but I should have guessed that he wasn't playing ball.

You were all right. Thank you so much.

I'm so sorry to you all ❤️

[quote Mynameisbetter]@VanGoghsDog I'm 34. She was 30. It was only second date, but you are right, I should have mentioned it before the first date. I think I am coming from a place of insecurity about dating with kids, I'm of the opinion that nobody wants to date a single dad with 2 kids in their 30's, there's plenty of other guys without that baggage. That's something I'm going to have to overcome.

@BelladiMamma Plenty of Fish is indeed crazy, I've chatted with loads of women, but as soon as I suggest meeting up I get ghosted.

I'm on Bumble, but haven't had much luck on that. Tinder is a waste of time.[/quote]
Ah, yes, I would imagine a 30yo would be thinking about a partner to settle down and start a family with, so not being aware of existing children would be a bit of a shock after chatting and two dates.

You need to be upfront. Maybe if you set your age range a bit higher, look for women closer to or above your age, you're more likely to find women who also already have kids?

@Naimee87

I can’t recall your irons name is it MrTG? But are you wanting to be more than you are with him? It sounded like a very very couply day you had together? Does this not happen all too frequently? Perhaps i muddled a bit?

MrWG.

Do you think it sounds couply?

I suppose it does a bit and would be fine if planned. But my issue is that he said he was popping over for a couple of hours then stayed all night. So it felt kind of random to me.

This Wed, after he told me he would keep Wednesdays free for me, I have a gig booked in the evening. I think he's slightly miffed. But if I go back to his text re Wednesdays, he's listed five dates from this Wed and said he'd come round at lunch time for a couple of hours. So why wouldn't I book something in the evening? Plus it's not my fault that's the day of the gig.

Yes, I want more. I want a "proper" relationship. He's too busy, away a lot, loads of commitments, scared of committing to a relationship for a variety of reasons, 'bedroom issues', etc. He wants "the friend option" and I'm allowed to see other men, though he won't see other women.

I'm going with it for now.

He did write a piece on a website (I won't say which or what type) saying he realizes he is very lucky to have my attention. I'm struggling a bit to know how I feel about this as he's not texted me since Fri but he found time to write that and upload photos yesterday (he knows I read it, and I don't respond to it in any way).

@Mynameisbetter it takes a while to navigate OLD, I think.

@BelladiMamma something I’m not sure when to mention to men is that my kid’s Dad had cancer last year. He’s come through treatment well and is having the kids almost 50% atm. But he’s at quite high risk of recurrence. I mentioned on a first date a couple of times to men who (for other reasons: poor matches) I never saw again, and have since questioned how much I want to tell (about former relationships, the cancer etc) to someone I don’t know and may well never see again. I’d appreciate views about when to mention the cancer. If dates were progressing with someone of course I would mention. But how early on? I have to admit I fear being offputting as I am also separated, not yet divorced, and have 2 young kids. I worry others may think “you shouldn’t even be dating”. But then I think that’s wrong. I am single. Im not emotionally involved with my ex…

On a related note, there are days when I think I fear no one will want me if I end up being a lone parent. And then my thoughts go back to a really emotionally dangerous ex, who still apparently loves me, Mr Heartbreaker, as he loved my kids, they loved him, he’s great with kids and his son is a similar age to mine… 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry for long spiel.

[quote Earlgrey19]@Mynameisbetter it takes a while to navigate OLD, I think.

@BelladiMamma something I’m not sure when to mention to men is that my kid’s Dad had cancer last year. He’s come through treatment well and is having the kids almost 50% atm. But he’s at quite high risk of recurrence. I mentioned on a first date a couple of times to men who (for other reasons: poor matches) I never saw again, and have since questioned how much I want to tell (about former relationships, the cancer etc) to someone I don’t know and may well never see again. I’d appreciate views about when to mention the cancer. If dates were progressing with someone of course I would mention. But how early on? I have to admit I fear being offputting as I am also separated, not yet divorced, and have 2 young kids. I worry others may think “you shouldn’t even be dating”. But then I think that’s wrong. I am single. Im not emotionally involved with my ex…

On a related note, there are days when I think I fear no one will want me if I end up being a lone parent. And then my thoughts go back to a really emotionally dangerous ex, who still apparently loves me, Mr Heartbreaker, as he loved my kids, they loved him, he’s great with kids and his son is a similar age to mine… 🤦🏻‍♀️ Sorry for long spiel.[/quote]
That's an even harder one because it's almost in the 'none of your business' territory. You could say something neutral like, kids are with exH on and off but often with me. And if you felt things were going somewhere eg after 3/4 dates open up a bit? I'm only saying that because this might be in the trauma / ambulance chaser territory. I hate getting into that whole trauma swapping. I've been guilty of it and it's not great.

DD is now free of breathing problems, has no temperature and is in the sitting on sofa watching shit American tv phase. Phew. Thanks for the hand hold!

@BelladiMamma

DD is now free of breathing problems, has no temperature and is in the sitting on sofa watching shit American tv phase. Phew. Thanks for the hand hold!

@BelladiMamma 😀👍🏻😘😘

@BelladiMamma Thanks, good point. Agree re best to avoid trauma-sharing.

@BelladiMamma

DD is now free of breathing problems, has no temperature and is in the sitting on sofa watching shit American tv phase. Phew. Thanks for the hand hold!

Phew! Good to hear that.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@MayEye

I’d recall how badly MrTG made you feel and stick to that - wasn’t it that he didn’t really instigate anything and always came to yours? 🤷‍♀️

Sounds cynical (I am) but I wonder if he wouldn’t mind this set-up resuming as he hardly had to contribute anything tangible and you were taking on all the mental load and organising. You clearly got on and there was a spark (and lockdown etc) but his choice of behaviour was putting it in the casual territory.

whereas with MrLumberjack you have lovely dates and planned nights at his to look forward to, which you’re happy with so stick with that. And even if things don’t work out with MrLumberjack, surely you want a similar set-up in the future.[/quote]
@SpringlikeBunk as ever, exactly what I needed to hear! What I want is someone with the proximity of Mr TG (and maybe as tall!!) but offering all that Mr L is quite happily offering. So I’ll compromise on the proximity (and the tall!!) because Mr L is lovely and open and doing all the planning and organising and being with him feels like a nice break from my chaos.

@BelladiMamma so glad your daughter is better today. Those kids love to get sick at night when we are most likely to feel panic!

@Earlgrey19 I agree, you don’t need to share a thing about your ex at those early dates. I don’t share about mine being a mean spirited git with mental health issues until I absolutely need to ( if it affects my ability to meet up because he won’t take the kids for e.g.)

@Dirtyduck that sounds fab - enjoy and revel in the absence of red flags and take each date as it comes. I came home from my weekend with Mr L last week asking myself was that what it looks like to be in a good place, I can’t quite believe it!!

Thanks so much for all your kind messages 💗💗 on my way to emegency dentists now and not a moment too soon. Can’t believe the timing of it this is a once a year thing that I cannot miss… and I can’t do it 😞 feel like my boss is fuming and I’ve been tears all day.

@Shayelle2009

Thanks so much for all your kind messages 💗💗 on my way to emegency dentists now and not a moment too soon. Can’t believe the timing of it this is a once a year thing that I cannot miss… and I can’t do it 😞 feel like my boss is fuming and I’ve been tears all day.

Send the boss a picture of you in the dentists chair that'll shut them up

Hate bosses who make you feel worse when you're ill 😷

They might remember their empathy a little later when they've stopped panicking too

Ones at his level don’t get to where they are by having any empathy dry laugh

Really glad your little chick’s all ok Bella xx

@Mynameisbetter a single dad in his 30s/40s is exactly what I’m looking for! As I’m a single mum myself. Not sure if single dads want single mums though! However I have a date with one coming up soon so that’s hopeful. Good luck to you x

@Shayelle2009

Ones at his level don’t get to where they are by having any empathy dry laugh

Really glad your little chick’s all ok Bella xx

You never told me that you worked for my ex! Hollowest of hollow laughs

@BelladiMamma i am skating on the thinnest ice i know! It was a very nice day and my DS was off all over the place with his friends. MrE had a birthday present for him and i asked DS would he prefer he come by or prefer i collect it and we open it just us together. He was OK with MrE joining and they chatted for a while! Hmmm i just don't ever listen/do the correct thing! Doesn't feel particularly great right now either being me. How's your daughter doing?
@MayEye. You sound far wiser than me! Or in a much better head-space where MrTG is concerned. I caved after a week and replied to him. Even i can't believe my own reactions. So replying will undoubtedly open a can of worms as it has done for me! But unfortunately (stupidly) i wouldn't go back and change my actions... i'm just so drawn to him. Not that any massive chat has taken place but he's massively apologetic and now sending flirty texts every so often. Likely he'll get bored and i suppose try the next person on his list. Stay Strong!
@VanGoghsDog it sounds massively-couply to me the day you two spent together including all the bedroom stuff, sounds rather perfect. But it seems he wants to play 'lets be in a relationship for one day a week.' And it doesn't sound like he is open to changing his mind? How strong are your feelings for him? Are you also 100% sure he isn't seeing other women? I'm just hoping that this setup doesn't cause you more negative emotions than positive ones.
@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards so happy you feel better. And never feel stupid about anything, look at me and the wonderful mess i have created not only for myself but for my DS too. I'm a nightmare! Shouldn't be allowed to date probably, i just get it all wrong! I think it's always good to get off your chest what you can and on here especially!! How's your course? Going ok so far?

Just got back from a lovely chilled couple of hours with Mr Cricket but he did say something that made me a little wary. His ex has taken their house off the market as she doesn't want to move, he splits his time between his mum's and his brother's with a bit of sofa surfing thrown in. But I now know how much his house is worth, how much his mortgage is a month and how much equity is in his house. I really didn't need or want to know that but he just came out with it.🤦‍♀️

I'm kinda glad we are in the friend zone at the moment as it sounds like it is complicated for him right now.

Hi, can I ask for an advice/view please on below? I was in contact with a good guy I believe that seemed to be keen (equally as I which is VERY 😜). We were supposed to have a date but he cancelled (sick) and ask to reschedule. He was appologtectic and I felt is sincere. So I said I understand and put "I trust if you really want to meet you will make it happen 🙂" and added focus on your recovery now bla bla he then send me this: 🥰 - which is a bit puzzling, he seems quiet now and Im quiet 🤫 but I started to think if I should say sthg or just wait or maybe forget?? No idea how to approach, its very clear Im keen on him 😭

Oh and I feel completely inadequate, his monthly mortgage payment is more than my monthly take home pay. I know it wasn't his intention and it really did just come up in talking about his house but I feel my little two bed shared ownership flat would be a disappointment and he is way out of my league now. I know if he knew how I felt now he would be mortified.

@Shayelle2009

Toothache is 😬😳 focus on your wellbeing and ignore your boss.

Glad things stabilising @BelladiMamma

@Hehx3

It could be one of many things really (he might have been making excuses or it might be genuine).

If a bit of time has passed I’d say no harm in shooting a quick “how have things been?” message (but be emotionally prepared for him to flake or not be that enthusiastic if he’s met someone else or it was just an excuse)

It was supposed to be last Saturday. He cancelled Friday. So I guess not that long but then its unusual not to hear anything from him..

@Naimee87

Moved - thanks for asking - just adjusting and anxiety playing up a bit (it always does Tbf so I have to look at management strategies and accept its “chronic”
rather than thinking it will go away!).

Still to speed date and really looking forward to it. Trying to steer clear of any virtual relationships right now for sure!

I’ve noticed when I’m anxious/traumatised I can lose myself in virtual interactions or Mr Unavailable’s to distract myself from negative emotions.

So I’m trying to just “sit through them” and do all the self care stuff rather than find someone to moon after!

@Isitreallyme177 but he's couchsurfing and will probably lose half what he has has. You are independent, a home of your own and no kids so no baggage of sorts. I would be concerned that he might want your spare room for free. Plus you sound like you have given up with online dating and just enjoying your time with him. Shouldn't you keep your options open? The fact that you say you feel inferior shows you don't see him just as a friend