Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I talk about my finances a lot, personal finance is a hobby of mine.

And I actually think it's healthy to be more open about money. So to me, MrCricket talking about the financial aspects of his divorce would not be a red flag.

However, him sofa surfing would!

@Naimee87

i see so there is plenty of history with you two as well and him setting aside this time seems like the only thing possible for him at the moment given how hectic things are for him. Is the FB + FWB something you’d like to be in? Sounds pretty fun if i’m honest although i’m fairly sure i’d emotionally attach to the unavailable one. As long as he’s not bringing you down and you feel he does care/value you as you seem to care about him an awful lot.

Not really history. Met him in the group Jan 18 (I recently found a photo on the group Facebook page of us chatting together) and saw him on a few walks and chatted, he's never been at any social events I've gone to. Then never saw him for ages, started dating a guy May 19, that ended in July 20, walks restarted and saw MrWG on a few, monopolised him, stalked the meet-up page to make sure I got on the same walks as him which was tricky when we were limited to six people, also he still wasn't going on many, and was dropping out at the last minute.

But then I found n excuse to contact him via the app, and we got chatting on WA and eventually, Nov last year, he asked me if I wanted to meet for coffee and a walk, went to his (illegally) a few times, he came to mine and a mere seven months later I got him into bed!
Covid has a lot to answer for, but in that story it's mostly good!!

@BelladiMamma Did he have 2 children with one mother, split up and get in a relationship with someone else and they agreed to have 2 children. Often people in a 2nd long term relationship have a 2nd family.

I wouldn't judge until I'd heard the full situation but what I will judge is him saying they are his world which usually means he rarely sees them or is a disney dad.

@BelladiMamma titchy violin.. titchy cock… hehe 🤣🤣

@Isitreallyme177 ah well it’s nice that he can talk to you so openly.. obviously feels very comfortable around you which is nice. Did he pick up on your cricket jumper?? 🙂 what did he wear??

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma Did he have 2 children with one mother, split up and get in a relationship with someone else and they agreed to have 2 children. Often people in a 2nd long term relationship have a 2nd family.

I wouldn't judge until I'd heard the full situation but what I will judge is him saying they are his world which usually means he rarely sees them or is a disney dad.[/quote]
Yes that's all the information I have so far.

Not really sure I give enough a Fuck enough to find out. I'm just really stuck on them 'my youngest are 4 and 2 and they're my world'

Sorry, I know everyone has different situations but I'm not sure if this is going to work for me ... I feel a bit bad to be so dismissive so early but ... ahem ... it's not like I don't have enough irons in the fire 🔥 so to speak ....

I agree @Naimee87 about @SpringlikeBunk. Spring Rulez!! 😄

Interesting about being open about finances. I never discuss a word about that with anyone, and never would 🙂

@Isitreallyme177 I find it a bit odd that someone with the means for school fees can’t find the money for rent - it’s just not very grown up. Is he definitely separated? Have you ever been to where he stays? And if his wife wants to take the house off the market… what then? Ultimately I guess as the two of you are friends only it doesn’t really matter, but it’s an odd set-up for sure. I’m glad you’re feeling better but do suggest firmly insisting it’s your turn next time; I think it’ll help you feel less on the back foot in terms of the comparability of your situations.

@Shayelle2009 your boss is being an arse for not being sympathetic but I’m glad you are NOT going to the work event.

I’m struggling a bit ahead of my date on Thursday. These situations just reinforce my sense that I’m completely incapable of having an insouciant attitude towards dating… I’m either texting them endlessly and getting “lost in the sauce” - or, as is the case now, dealing with someone who only messages every 2-3 days which periodically leaves me fretting. I’m pretty sure he’s single, speaks freely on the phone when we do chat, and seems very straightforward and non game-player-ish. But I don’t like it. I keep deleting our chat to stop me ‘waiting’ for a message and have now in a fit of pique deleted it and his number when we are meant to meet on Thursday, so will only be able to do so if he makes contact. (We last messaged briefly last night after he’d sent me a photo of his countryside weekend away, so I really am a panicky mad person )

@Heartbeats0708

If you're a judgemental bitch then I am too Bella.. it'd be a no from me unless there was a very plausible reason. Thanks *@Misty9* was this quiet in person or quiet via messaging or both? I think I remember, was it Mr biology?

It was Mr biology yes, and it was quiet in person. He was brilliant at messaging - still is!

@BelladiMamma

Off topic but one of my POF chats that I moved to WhatsApp has 4 children of all different ages, from at least 2 mothers.

Avoid? Or give him a chance to explain? And if so, how do I ask him politely?

Personally I wouldn’t pursue. I really can’t bear the “my kids are my world” schtick and just think even if he were Mr Amazing in all other ways, the logistics of having four young kids every other weekend and his arrangements with two no doubt non amicable ex wives would put me off. I have a very good friend who had a child with someone who already had one other child with a previous partner. She left him for becoming abusive during the pregnancy and since then he has married, had two more children, divorced and is now shacked up with a divorcee with two teenagers. He has three sets of kids who come and stay at various times with the new partner and it must just be mayhem - I wouldn’t want any of that drama!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you! ☺️ Im glad too! Feel like a massive pressure is off which definitely helps with the headspace.

So you and your iron have your date arranged? Then I wouldn’t fret about messaging, have you got a firm plan with him? Time/place? How many dates you had? I would just take it that you’ve got an arrangement with each other, he’s probably just looking forward to it and thinks all is well? Sounds healthy to me 💛 hard though if you are someone who prefers more messaging!

No exact time or place arranged yet - but approximate as he knows I’m free from 7ish at a certain part of central London and has said that’s fine and he will be in town then too. Ffs - why is what sounds healthy to others so agonising to me?

Oh dont worry im the same. When i like someone i go psycho over my phone haha. I think you have to trust in it though until they prove you wrong.. give out calm positive vibes.. and hold down the inner psycho 😉 hehe x

I'm the same too. I always check my phone quite a bit to see if the other person has read my messages ❤️

I thought it was @Misty9 did it feel awkward quiet or okay quiet? We talk a lot over message and it's fine and conversation in person flows once it gets going but there are gaps that I sometimes wonder if I should fill, or chill. That's the question I suppose.

@BelladiMamma Unless you're at the same life stage I think a man with 2 very young children is a huge no.

My kids are grown up now and I don't want to do the young kid stage again...which can be difficult as I'm only 40 and some people have only recently started families.

Luckily Mr K doesn't want me involved with his son and I'm 100% in agreement.

@Heartbeats0708

I thought it was *@Misty9* did it feel awkward quiet or okay quiet? We talk a lot over message and it's fine and conversation in person flows once it gets going but there are gaps that I sometimes wonder if I should fill, or chill. That's the question I suppose.

It felt awkward quiet most occasions. For example, we were decorating my house and he was just completely silent whilst painting in the same room as me... Which I found a bit weird, and also felt my attempts at making conversation were a bit shot down. He always insisted there was nothing wrong but he seemed to just go into himself when occupied and it wasn't a good fit for me.

[quote SortingItOut]@BelladiMamma Unless you're at the same life stage I think a man with 2 very young children is a huge no.

My kids are grown up now and I don't want to do the young kid stage again...which can be difficult as I'm only 40 and some people have only recently started families.

Luckily Mr K doesn't want me involved with his son and I'm 100% in agreement.[/quote]
Agreed. I'm going to politely bin him off and delete his number and possibly even block him because I can't be arsed with the 'give me a chance' or worse that I'll get as a reply

@Misty9 I have never experienced this but your comment about conversation being 'shot down' doesn't sound great. Comfortable and cosy silences are fine, not feeling like you can talk silences, not so much

@Shayelle2009 as predicted he was in his cycling gear 🤣. Yes he is obviously comfortable talking to me.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs the house is going back on the market, its all part of the divorce agreement that it gets sold. They're going through mediation at the moment. The other reason he can't rent at the moment is in case he gets put on furlough again, because who knows with this government and covid what will happen with holidays.

Hi folks

I’m new here, although have been following for the last couple of weeks and really appreciating all your collective wisdom!

@BelladiMamma and @MayEye - Hope you don’t mind me asking (when I’ve contributed nothing until now!) but please can you expand on what you were saying about trauma swapping / ambulance chaser territory? It’s something I’ve been wondering about - ie how much to share (with someone else at the early stages of a new relationship) about my previous/current situation with my STBXH. My relationship with my ex was abusive, and he continues to make my life quite difficult e.g. via children-related stuff. If it weren’t for the fact that we have children and divorce ongoing I probably wouldn’t feel the need to say anything (to a newish person on the scene), as it would be in the past, but it sort of seems relevant in the context of some conversations we have, and often (because I’m not wanting to seem like someone who has too many issues or who bitches about their ex) I feel like I’m being really cagey about stuff (or that there might appear to be things that don’t add up, if I’m not open/honest about the situation). It seems like typically during early dating people want to get a sense of (for example) whether you have a decent coparenting relationship with your ex - and it doesn’t feel right to outright lie about that. Normally I’ve just got around it by saying something like “things can be a bit tricky/strained” and not really elaborating beyond that. Curious to know your experience with this, and your views about when’s a good time to start sharing a bit more. I appreciate that your experiences / past relationships might be very different, but would be interested to hear your/others’ thoughts - thanks! And also specifically what you mean about ambulance chasers Bella, and what the risks are of trauma swapping.

@Mynameisbetter - I agree with others that it’s best to be upfront about children - not least as there are single mums out there who’d much rather date a single dad who “gets” it. OLD is like marketing: you want to quickly repel the “wrong” people (for you) as well as attract the “right” people. Personally (being a single mum) I’m actively avoiding people that don’t have children as I just think we’ll be in a completely different headspace / stage of our lives. The more honest and upfront you are about (all the big aspects of) who you are, the less time-wasting there’ll be (for you and others).

I wouldn't like to be with a man with children. I think I'd just feel responsible for them and it would cause a lot of drama.

I had a bad experience with a guy on Tinder (some of you may remember this) who casually dropped into conversation while it was flowing presently, that he had four kids 'that he had to wait to see until the courts allow him to.' 😟❤️

Welcome @PurpleStripyScarf! ❤️🤣

Hi All... hope everyone is okay?
I am feeling gutted.
I think I've blown things with my guy. We were initially supposed to see each other tonight but i one he had travertine gone and back at the weekend and might be tired so u thought I'd check especially as he hadn't messaged all day. I rang him and he sounded really down and mentioned being low...
I insisted on dashing over to see him thinking i could somehow cheer him up... turns out its the anniversary of his dads death and he was totally down and also barely able to keep his eyes open.

In the end i said I'd leave and he agreed ...

I meant he had travelled home at weekend on train... so v tiring