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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 212 - more milk tray, less flakes

992 replies

Shayelle2009 · 04/09/2021 09:15

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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6
Shayelle2009 · 04/09/2021 20:25

Such a good idea… burner phone.. we should all do this for safety 💛

OP posts:
Shayelle2009 · 04/09/2021 20:27

@Isitreallyme177 exactly me too 🙂🙂 if I've not got plans to see anyone, like today I turned my phone on silent all day for headspace, and just went out into the forest then drove down to the coast and just walked all day.. it was amazing.

OP posts:
dancemom · 04/09/2021 20:29

@Shayelle2009 I definitely left him wanting more 😆

Shayelle2009 · 04/09/2021 20:36

Crafty @dancemom 😏😍

OP posts:
Shayelle2009 · 04/09/2021 20:36

God I totally miss that!! I’m glad it does still exist out there somewhere though 😬😬

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 04/09/2021 21:09

Saturday night is for the zombies 🧟‍♀️

MrDJ is messaging me 😁 after he said I was too posh to date

Languidleopard · 04/09/2021 21:34

@FireandBrimstone it's all sounding very positive with Mr Colleague. Fingers crossed he responds enthusiastically to your text 😁

@Dancemom 😊 for your awesome fourth date.

And welcome to all the new posters. Looking forward to hearing about your dating adventures.

Stayingstrongish · 04/09/2021 21:39

I’ve been trying to write my profile tonight. Do I need to mention that I have small children, or should I leave that out?

Stayingstrongish · 04/09/2021 21:42

With my child-free time I’ve been going for coffees, going a bit of shopping, sometimes meeting friends, gardening and occasionally doing a run. I do feel lonely and sad sometimes but then it’s early days since my husband left.

Languidleopard · 04/09/2021 21:55

@Stayingstrongish

I’ve been trying to write my profile tonight. Do I need to mention that I have small children, or should I leave that out?
@Stayingstrongish I don't specifically mention that I have a child in my profile.

I'm not sure which platform you're on? On Bumble you can indicate that you have children and don't want more, which I've done.

Once I start chatting with someone I make sure I mention that I have one daughter living with me fairly quickly. If it's a deal breaker for them I'd rather know sooner than later. I don't want to waste my time or theirs.

VanGoghsDog · 04/09/2021 22:04

Update:

21 live matches on Tinder who've not messaged (I reckon one in three I swipe right are a match).

Last night had three active chats - one prob a scammer, but if not lives in Paris so pointless anyway; one is a "sub" who wants a domme (I made him refer to me as Mistress, so that was fun) and one I had a good chat with, he was super friendly, good vibe etc, but he is an hour away and despite chatting last night now gone quiet.

Four other chats that have stalled. One seemed pretty promising but there you go.

MrWG has been away two weeks and is away for a few more days, might see him 10th. He does check in and sends me photos of what he's up to and a pin on Google maps so I can see where he is. Asks how my days have been etc. I miss him :(
Can't speak on the phone as he's in a shared dorm thing, no privacy etc.

Other guy from walking group who asked for my number to meet up and do something didn't do much except a few texts. We have a quiz soon so I texted and asked if he would be on my team, which he agreed to. He's on the walk tomorrow so I'll catch up with him then. (MrWG not going to quiz I don't think). He added me on Facebook today too.

He's fun but I don't really fancy him.

Stayingstrongish · 04/09/2021 22:09

@Languidleopard thanks - I am planning on using Bumble too.

Languidleopard · 04/09/2021 22:39

A quick update on developments with me.

Mr Slow Texter - date zero tomorrow afternoon, walking/coffee local to me.

True to his name, we haven't had much communication at all and I was starting to think he had forgotten about me or had changed his mind. We finally confirmed time and place this morning.

We have an interest in common, he can spell and punctuate, he looks good in his pictures and is quite tall. He initiated the date, albeit slowly. That's pretty much all I know about him so I'm keeping my mind open and expectations low.

Mr Nightshift - marched and started chatting earlier this week. Initially seemed keen, and texts were warm and friendly. Two texts a day which felt manageable and not too demanding.

Late in the week his location on Bumble shifted to 70 miles away so I think he may just have been visiting my city and lives somewhere else 🤔 He's also not responded to my last message sent yesterday, when I asked whether he works here and commutes to work as a possible explanation for the sudden location change.

I'm starting to suspect he may be looking for a penpal, or be married or in a LTR. I'm going to take a wait and see approach, bit not feeling very hopeful.

Mr Breadcrumbs - I've agreed to go with him to the event he invited me to in 3 weeks time.

I'm not sure if I've made the right decision tbh. We met for lunch last week, sensibly decided that we're looking for different things and then spent the next hour or so sitting on a park bench together talking, snogging and holding hands.

I feel like my head and heart are doing the right thing but my body keeps letting the side down. I feel like I'm sliding into FWB territory which is exactly what he offered 3 months ago and I turned down. Also, I think my own unavailability is making this going nowhere situationship feel like quite a tempting prospect.

Dropdeadfred2 · 04/09/2021 22:57

So... despite being infatuated with my guy.. I'm needy enough to have rejoined bumble and i am going to lunch with an iron I'll call Mr Hair tomorrow

Getbehindme · 04/09/2021 23:26

@Stayingstrongish

I’ve been trying to write my profile tonight. Do I need to mention that I have small children, or should I leave that out?
I did, I'd rather just be upfront. I've said that I have kids and co-parent (code for amicable!) And that I'm looking to enjoy my time away from family. I'm trying to say that I'm not looking for or needing a father for my kids essentially.
Getbehindme · 04/09/2021 23:26

OR that I want to blend families.

Stayingstrongish · 04/09/2021 23:50

Thanks @Getbehindme, that’s my situation/ what I’m looking for too 😊

crochetmonkey74 · 04/09/2021 23:59

Long term lurker checking in. I'm a newbie to app dating , had 2 dates so far, chatting to some others. No new dates planned yet but a few in the pipeline. I'm struggling with being lonely in the evenings (no kids) and really feeling jealous of people in relationships which I've never experienced before. I like all your ideas here of how to build my life up a bit , will investigate some of these as well, I think I need a few more strings to my bow

FireandBrimstone · 05/09/2021 00:05

@Stayingstrongish I'm similar to @Getbehindme - I mention coparenting but also that I value my independence. I don't want to put out the vibe that I'm looking for someone to get involved with parenting. That's not to say that it's not right for others - just not what I'm looking for at the moment.

FireandBrimstone · 05/09/2021 00:12

Welcome @crochetmonkey74. I've also appreciated all the ideas floating around in the last couple of days.

Looking to join the local gym tomorrow!

@Languidleopard thanks for your positivity. Good luck on date zero tomorrow - anyone who can spell definitely gets extra points.
Your spidey senses are worth listening to re Mr Nightshift.

@VanGoghsDog - 21!!!! Wowzers. I think I've had maybe 3 in two months.

@BelladiMamma so are you putting Mr DJ back in the running now?

@dancemom it's going well! Great to read.

CrimeJunkie01 · 05/09/2021 01:56

Hello all, can I tentatively join you? Single for the first time in my life. It was all a huge shock to me as exdp literally moved out and cut me off after 4 years so I'm feeling pretty wounded.

I set up on Old and bit the bullet and went for a coffee with MrDr. We chatted loads beforehand and got on brilliantly. Met and still got on brilliantly, but zero spark on my side.

He's asked me out for date 2 and I had a bit of a panic about it. Sent him a long message saying I was sorry and wasn't ready for a relationship.... Tumble weed. Then 3 hours later he called to say that he understood and that he really valued our friendship and that he would love to meet as friends.

Now I feel heard and understood for the first time in forever. Very worried about the whole dating thing though, after our coffee, I paused my OLD. I don't know why if I'm honest.

SortingItOut · 05/09/2021 07:01

@Dropdeadfred2 I assume you've not had any chats about exclusivity or coming off the apps with the original guy?
You say you are needy and you've got a date with someone else - seeking validation from men to meet your needs isn't healthy.
Apologies if you've already said but whats your relationship history? Bad relationships can lead to self-esteem issues.

SortingItOut · 05/09/2021 07:04

@Clovertoast How did you get on yesterday? I hope you found things to do and have some plans in the bag for other times.

My day went pretty much how I predicted, the music event was great, saw loads of people from my new walking group who I had quick chats with, then plonked myself down in the crowd and chatted to others.
I'm glad I went.

SortingItOut · 05/09/2021 07:12

Someone posted about their iron not 'wanting' to see them when they had unexpected free time and how that made them feel.

I had this yesterday with Mr K, his son had a family event on with his mum so Mr K had an unexpected Saturday free, I was worried he would expect to have the day with me and I like my own time and space, when he came to help with the pig tagging he was mulling over his spare afternoon/evening and I felt obliged to offer him to come out with me - luckily he declined and left and went fishing overnight.

Later on part of me thought should he have wanted to spend time with me? I realised that the answer is No - I'm pleased he has stuff to occupy himself and I wasn't expected to keep him entertained plus I'm seeing him today but even if I wasn't I do like our routine of no weekends (well we get a few hours on Saturday morning together).

Never take their lack of apparent interest in meeting up as a sign they aren't interested, people have friends, family, hobbies, their own time to fit in too and when you get unexpected free time its a bonus.

FireandBrimstone · 05/09/2021 07:38

@CrimeJunkie01 welcome. And well done on successfully navigating OLD/first date and also managing the situation with him when you decided you didn't want to take it further.
As for being worried about OLD - from what I'm learning from this group and my own experience, the whole thing is so exhausting that breaks from the apps are very, very necessary.
Do you mind if I ask how long ago you and your ex separated? From what you've said could there also be a chance you may also need more time to work through coming to terms with the shock of the split?