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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me break up with him!

266 replies

Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:43

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/09/2021 07:44

If you own the house and he has no claim to it just change the locks and leave his stuff at his moms.

If he turns up kicking off call the police.

HollowTalk · 03/09/2021 07:45

This is ridiculous. You need to get him out of there. Does he have a family nearby that he can go to? If so, pack everything into bags and put them outside next time he goes out.

DominicRaabsTravelAgent · 03/09/2021 07:46

Was just going to post what @girlmom21 said. Once you've moved his stuff to his DMs block him and move on.

Blueskythinking123 · 03/09/2021 07:46

Does he leave the house to go to work? I'd be tempted to change the locks while he was out. I'd pack his stuff up and offer to have PT dropped wherever he wanted.

Perching · 03/09/2021 07:46

When he is out again, box his stuff up, leave it outside and change the locks.

Palavah · 03/09/2021 07:46

Yep, what @girlmom21 said.

AllThatGlistensIs · 03/09/2021 07:46

Just change the locks! He has no claim on your property, time to toughen up and get him out.

GCAcademic · 03/09/2021 07:46

However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave

What you you mean?

You tell him he has x number of days to leave. If he doesn’t you call the police to remove him and then change the locks.

Cocopogo · 03/09/2021 07:47

Tell him he has 48 hours to sort his stuff out and find somewhere to go then disengage from conversations with him. If he’s still there in 48 hrs then ring the police to have him moved and change the locks.

notacooldad · 03/09/2021 07:50

Get a bloody grip.
This is ridiculous.
Firm up and tell him to ship out by Sunday. His issues are not your problem.
Get your boundaries back.

CoastalMum101 · 03/09/2021 07:50

When he wakes up in the morning and acts as if nothing has happened you need to reinforce what you said the night before. Ask him when he is going to move out, tell him he needs to be out by X date. Do you sleep in the same room? If you do, when he comes to bed tell him that he needs to sleep on the sofa. Start taking back your house and get him out.

Lessthanaballpark · 03/09/2021 07:54

Are you scared of him in any way OP? Do you think this may turn to violence?

OneAugustNight · 03/09/2021 07:54

Can you be really clear and definitive eg I am ending this relationship and I need you to move out by ….

Can your parents be with you when you tell him or on the day he is moving out for support? He’s obviously not listening to you.

EmeraldRaine · 03/09/2021 07:56

Get a bloody grip.
This is ridiculous.

Don't listen to this idiot. Sad, sad little man you are

Op, your ex is controlling and abusive. Are you scared of him? I wouldn't be surprised if you are. Can you recruit some friends to help you get him out?

NoNotYou · 03/09/2021 07:59

It's difficult isn't it? Good people often end up with these partners who cocklodge. Please get reinforcements in the shape of your parents or other family members. Is this possible??

Original poster
Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:59

To answer everyone’s questions. He’s been sleeping on the sofa and the contact has been sparse. We’ve barely spoken at all.

The following mornings after telling him, I always reinforce what I said the night before. Yet it doesn’t seem to stick with him and he’s convinced we’re just in a rough patch and that we can move on from it.

I have given him dates that he needs to move out by, but he doesn’t keep to them.

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

Yes, I’m definitely scared of his reaction when he knows I’m being serious. He’s never hurt me but he does get angry and from being in a very physically abusive relationship in the past, it makes me uncomfortable

OP posts:
notacooldad · 03/09/2021 08:03

Yes, I’m definitely scared of his reaction when he knows I’m being serious. He’s never hurt me but he does get angry and from being in a very physically abusive relationship in the past, it makes me uncomfortable
All the more reson to get shut of him.
Do you have a brother, dad, uncle or other male friend that can be around when you tell him to go or when that dead line arrives. Ask for the keys back with them there.
His mental health is not your issue. Dont make it your problem or you are going to have him there forever.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/09/2021 08:06

Do you have any male family or friends who would help get him out? Or all the police to help.

Maray1967 · 03/09/2021 08:07

You need to get some help here but accept that he isn’t likely to change and has been awful to you - I’m afraid I would not feel guilt over that, in fact I didn’t, years ago. If you know you do not want to carry on like this then you need to remove his stuff and change your locks. It doesn’t sound like he is ever going to leave voluntarily. I do t think there is anything you can say to him that will make him reasonable. You need to act - and have some backup if you are concerned about his reaction. When you do clear his stuff out make sure you’ve got it all. You don’t want him coming round to collect anything that you missed.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/09/2021 08:07

If you're scared of his reaction then get someone to come over and help you get him out. If he's got parents to go to then you aren't making him homeless and his mental health is not your problem.
You must get him out before he destroys your mental health.

FuckingFucksicles · 03/09/2021 08:09

OP ffs he isnt your problem anymore so if he has mental health issues he needs to sort them or you'll forever be his crutch.

My best friend had a man like this, she finally threw him out and 7 months on he has harrassed her everyday, stalking, following, sneaking about, stole her passport, turning up at her friends etc, then when nothing worked he took an overdose and then went to A&E as he damaged his liver/gave himself a stroke, got out of hospital and is STILL harrassing her... honest to god! Dont put up with his pish surely he cant be as bad as my friends ex!

NoNotYou · 03/09/2021 08:10

He has targeted you as a soft touch and is using this and anger to stay like a cuckoo in your house. You need to get serious and pack his stuff up this weekend. Please have family there or a few friends . Please tell someone that he is being awkward about going and I am sure they will help. Don't be embarrassed, it happens

devildeepbluesea · 03/09/2021 08:11

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

  1. I very much doubt it. He's just a controlling bully.
  1. Even if he is, why does this mean you have to support him?

He doesn't get a veto on ending the relationship.

You need to find your anger. And possibly your backbone.

RNBrie · 03/09/2021 08:12

Can you ask his parents for help? Book them in for a time this weekend to come and collect him and his stuff... it will be awkward and embarrassing for everyone but at least he'd go...

Failing that, I'd be telling him that he has until Sunday night to go or I'd find some help from some male friends to help him on his way.

I know you feel guilty but he's using that to keep cocklodging on your sofa. He knows full well what he's doing and that you're too nice to put your foot down. Only you can make him leave. He's not going on his own...

lorca · 03/09/2021 08:12

OFGS - of course he's just brushing it under the carpet! He's got a place to stay, warm, dry, fed.

BUT - it's not his place to demand to stay (unless you in the US, which I think has stupid rules like 'if you let him in as a guest, he has rights' Hmm) - in the UK he has NO right to stay.

Change the locks. Move his stuff to his parents - or into the front garden. Phone the Police if you feel threatened (and TELL him this)

Don't worry about his mental health; not your problem. Telll his parents, they can worry about him.

Not your problem any more.