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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me break up with him!

266 replies

Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:43

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 12:00

Why won't he just let me go?!

Because you are allowing him to call the shots.
You are letting this be a negotiation, instead of a plain instruction.
You don't need his permission to break up with him ffs.

He's a controlling & manipulative arsehole, he's not going to go quietly, when he feels he's got it cushy living in your home. So you are going to have to be genuinely assertive.

"B/f, I have told you it's over, & you are refusing to listen. So here it is loud & clear - we are over, & you are leaving my house. Be out by saturday lunchtime, or the police will come & escort you out."

I hope you are aware that all the right (including moral) are in your favour?
The police will definitely help you - all you need to is call the non-emergency number or local station, explain your predicament, & ask that you can call direct for help if your ex is still refusing to leave your home on saturday.

Do it today OP.
You will feel so proud of yourself, & freedom is an intoxicating joy!

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/09/2021 12:02

Set a time and old call the police now to arrange an escort to get him out

Change the locks - it’s quite easy

ChargingBuck · 03/09/2021 12:04

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

Why?
He's a cheating, using arsehole.
What makes you responsible for his mental health?

He can sort that our for himself, with the support of his own parents, instead of leeching off a woman whose home he is coercively squatting in.

PluggingAway · 03/09/2021 12:05

Stop being out so much. It's your fucking house. He needs to leave.

Next time he goes out of the front door, call a locksmith. Get a friend to come over as well for support.

If he gets nasty or starts trying to forcefully gain entry to the property then call 999.

Good luck OP x

Greystray · 03/09/2021 12:06

He won't leave because he sees you as a soft touch. Which you have been.

You're not his mother. His mental health is his concern, not yours. You are going to have to toughen up a bit. When he goes out, get the locks changed. Bag up his stuff, put it outside. If he can't leave of his own volition open an upstairs window and offer to call a taxi to his parents house. Then you're done. If he kicks off call the police.

MyNameIsP · 03/09/2021 12:12

I sympathize with you as I've been in this situation and I know it's a hell of a lot harder than it looks.

I think as others have suggested it would definitely help for you to have a male around at the time, or some family members or friends? as long as you have numbers and feel safe.

I did what others have mentioned and waited for him to be out, packed his stuff myself into black bags, and then called his father to further explain the situation, why I did it, how long it's been going on for, the threats, the manipulation. I asked him to come and collect his son's bits otherwise they would have been left outside.

My family, brothers, etc, hung around for a bit at the time to see if he would attempt an appearance, it's easy to say he got the message.

If you're serious about it, it can be done. Please don't allow him to take advantage of you any longer, he sounds like a user, manipulator and a bully and you don't need us to tell you that you deserve better, because you already know.
Flowers

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/09/2021 12:20

What on earth do you mean?

Change the fucking locks! Call the police. Call your parents. Call your friends.

GET HIM OUT.

Or stop loving the drama.

Sorry, but there has to be a reason why you're still putting up with this.

Goingdriving · 03/09/2021 12:21

He won’t go because he doesn’t want to and so you are going to have to turf him out. Get back up if you feel unsafe. Pack his things. You need to follow through. It’s hard but necessary. Change the locks.

DomPom47 · 03/09/2021 12:26

Have a friend stay round.
Speak to his parents about his things and mental health.
Advice him to get help on his mental health.
Change locks.
Take his things to his parents.

theemmadilemma · 03/09/2021 12:29

I would loop in his parent if you genuinely are worried about his mental health.

Let them know you need him out by X date, he's not met any of the other dates, and if he isn't out by then you'll be changing the locks and delivering his stuff to them. That you'd prefer to do that than involve the Police. That should spur them into ensuring he gets the fuck out.

equuscaballus · 03/09/2021 12:31

This is similar to my neighbour.
In the end it worked out far better than she feared.

She told all the neighbours that she was afraid of him and she would be staying at home when he went to out to work.
The locks were changed and she packed up all his possessions and left them outside.
We (the neighbours) waited for him to come home and try to gain entry, we explained the situation to him and he left after trying to phone her.
There was very little huffing and puffing because he was basically shamed and had no emotional hold over us.
Good Luck!

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 03/09/2021 12:36

Yes, get some back up and do it

Good luck OP

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/09/2021 12:38

@Ivy2006

To answer everyone’s questions. He’s been sleeping on the sofa and the contact has been sparse. We’ve barely spoken at all.

The following mornings after telling him, I always reinforce what I said the night before. Yet it doesn’t seem to stick with him and he’s convinced we’re just in a rough patch and that we can move on from it.

I have given him dates that he needs to move out by, but he doesn’t keep to them.

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

Yes, I’m definitely scared of his reaction when he knows I’m being serious. He’s never hurt me but he does get angry and from being in a very physically abusive relationship in the past, it makes me uncomfortable

"I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this."

And are you going to let him guilt you into him staying in your home whilst you meet someone else, marry, raise a family too? I'm not actually taking the piss here. 'Of course not!' went through your head when you read that. So ask yourself - why is it not going through your head now? Why are you letting him control you via guilt?

You need to push the guilt aside - you have nothing to feel guilty about. His mental health is his problem to deal with, not yours. In fact, it may well improve when he's removed from this situation (being unwanted) and back with his parents. You are doing him a favour in the long term, so get on with itSmile.

Move his stuff to his parents. Change the locks. Don't let him back in. Have other people there when he is due to return.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/09/2021 12:41

Does he work? If so, arrange to get the locks changed whilst he's at work. Then pack up his stuff, take it to his parents. Take someone with you as people are less likely to 'kick off' in front of others.

Explain to his parents that you have been trying to get him to leave and he refuses and will not listen to you. Ask for their help. If they will not help, tell them that you will be enlisting help from the police to get him out, that may make them 'more cooperative'.

If that's too 'heavy', just change the locks. He can collect his stuff off the porch or you can take it to an agreed place afterwards. But if you go this route, do NOT meet him alone. And delivery either at his parents or a VERY public place.

His mental health is not your concern, it is his parent's concern. Your concern should be your own mental health. And I'm sure you're living with a great deal of stress and anxiety, so you need to take care of yourself by getting him out.

Bollindger · 03/09/2021 12:43

Your being nice, because you are nice.
He is not being nice, or he would have moved, not sleeping on the sofa while he tried to guilt you into retracting the split,
So text him, that he needs to be gone this weekend.
His mental health is NOT your responsibility, however your own is.
You just tell him if he is nasty your going to call the police.

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2021 12:48

I think he just doesnt want to leave your house.

You've got to get tough.
'Bored now. Why the fuck are you still in my house? We broke up ages ago. I'll give you an hour to pack and if you still are not gone, I'll be calling the police'.

Or, call his parents and tell them you need them to come over and pack for him and get him out because you will be phoning the police on him if he is not gone by the end of the day.

Or as pp said, wait till he is out somewhere and change the locks. Or just put his stuff on the doorstep and leave the keys in the lock so he cant get back in. Then once he has bern and gone, call a locksmith. If he wont leave, call his parents to collect him. Or the police. Dont answer the door.

If you need him to leave the house, fake an ankle injury and send him out to get something from the shop.

whynotwhatknot · 03/09/2021 12:52

Would his parents help you or is he the golden child that can do no wrong

either ask them or just change the locks hes not your problem

penguinwithasuitcase · 03/09/2021 12:55

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

What on earth do you mean?

Change the fucking locks! Call the police. Call your parents. Call your friends.

GET HIM OUT.

Or stop loving the drama.

Sorry, but there has to be a reason why you're still putting up with this.

You're right, there does have to be a reason.

It's unfortunate (and telling) that the only one you can think of is that she's 'loving the drama'.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/09/2021 13:00

@penguinwithasuitcase

Why? There are multiple actions she could have taken and she hasn't.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/09/2021 13:00

And WTF does 'and telling' mean?

Eddielzzard · 03/09/2021 13:06

Guilt should not be the factor that decides you keep him in your life.

Feel the guilt and DO IT ANYWAY. Guilt comes from not acting as others want you to act.

SlothMama · 03/09/2021 13:11

Change the locks and kick him out! Have a friend stay with you for back up

RosiePosieDozy · 03/09/2021 13:15

When he's out, box up his stuff and take it to his parents. Have the locks changed. Text him and tell him you've taken his stuff to his parents. Done.

If he becomes aggressive, call the police immediately. This is your home.

You know what you need to do.

Jemand · 03/09/2021 13:16

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this

This is the only reason you can't get him out. His mental health is NOT your responsibility. He should get treatment, and he should be looking to his own family for support. Please just follow the advice on here and, if there is any threat in his reaction, alert the police.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/09/2021 13:17

Pack all his stuff and have someone take it to his parents or his work.

Have someone stay with you when you ask him to leave, then change the locks. You don't need a locksmith to change the barrel.

This isn't poor mental health, this is him being abusive.