He won't let me break up with him!

[Ivy2006]

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

I agree with @Alternista

A letter is good as it’s evidence.
Copying the parents is good as it’s evidence and if he’s hiding the situation it stops him hiding it any longer. Either that or phone them and tell them how it is. If you do that you could pack his stuff up and take it to his parents too and that would get shot of him quicker.

I’d remove any of your own valuables to a friends house in case he kicks off. And I wouldn’t go back to your house alone. Take someone preferably a strong looking man with you when you turn up after the 48 hours. Live somewhere else during this time. You don’t know how angry he may get.

Don’t listen to any suicidal threats. His choices are his responsibility. Not yours. I’ve been there and it’s hard but I’m free now and you will be too.

Don’t let him weasel his way back.
Call him your ex exclusively. If he calls you his girlfriend say “No, we are broken up and I need you to move out”.
Tell your family, tell HIS family. Call citizens advice or women’s aid for advice for getting him out of your home.

He doesn’t need to “let” you break up with him. If you say you’re broken up, then you’re broken up.

His mental health is not your problem. You need to prioritise yourself. He’s clearly very controlling.

Coercive control in relationships is illegal. Seek help from the police if necessary. I definitely wouldn’t try to get his parents on side etc. You don’t know how they will react. Idk if the police will advise what you should do?

I have a friend in the exact situation and it infuriates me to no end. They met and virtually overnight he moved in. It’s her house and he treats it as if it’s his own, although he was never ever paid rent. Treating her by paying for her getting her nails done is not rent!!

Their last argument (he lies and cheats and takes all her money and controls her) he went to his mother’s. His mother rang my friend and she explained she wanted him out. His mother had the balls to say ‘he’s put so much in that house, you can’t throw him out.’ Evidently she needs to pay him to leave the house he has lived in rent free for six years.

My friend is 42 and mother to a daughter. I do not understand how she doesn’t lose her shit and simply throw him out of HER house. We’ve come to the conclusion that she wants him there and no amount of read the freedom project will get him out until she sees it herself.

When she’s ready, I told her we would all (friends and partners)gather around and explain calmly to him that he needs to leave.

I’m omitting a lot of information but the situation riles me so much I become a raging maniac when I think of the situation. Some people just cannot be helped no matter how hard you try.

This is your life OP. Get him out. Now.

Do you have so one who could come and stay with you a couple of days? Tell him he has 48hrs to remove his belongings, and that this date will not be changed. Have the locks changed. After you've given him notice, maybe call his parents, and explain the same timeframe (if you get on with them) have you and friend there until he leaves. Anything not packed up by the given time, you'll pack and drop off at his parents. His mental health is not your responsibility- your own mental health is.

Does he work. Best way is to get male friends or relatives to back you up when you tell him to leave. Who cares about his mental health, you're not his mum.

Give him a clear deadline (a week would be reasonable)
Do this both verbally and in writing

Do not engage in any chat about anything other than moving out.
Him: whats for dinner?
You: I am cooking my own dinner, we've broken up and you need to move out by Friday. Have you started packing? If not you probably should make a start

Him: look i am hoovering!
You: you dont need to, you dont live here anymore, you are better off using ypur time to pack as you are moving out on Friday

Him: Waaaah its Friday i have no where to go
You: i have been telling you for a long time i gave you a week, you're an adult and this is your problem. You need to move out today so Iets take your stuff outside.

Agree with others here, speak to his parents. Your relationship is finished and you aren’t responsible for him. His family are better placed to help him. Do keep a record of your communication with him, spell it out he’s refused to leave. Any sign of him turning on you, do phone the police. Do you have anyone who could be with you when he moves out.?Do invest in a camera after he’s gone,

Drop the stuff at his parents, change the locks and don’t let him back in

You are not responsible for his MH, he is

He can stay at his parents

If he won't listen to you and you're scared he'll kick off, ask a male family member like your dad or brother to come round and be there while you tell him for the final time that he's got to leave. There's no shame in soliciting support from a male family member if you're scared he might hurt you.

Sounds like my neighbour, he'd isolated her from everyone too, did all of the above (through to cheating on her too as well as accusing her of doing it when she went out for a drink with colleagues at the end of term) I only know this because he'd caused ructions in our 25 year neighbourly relationship that was fab before he moved im just over 2 years ago.

Even when she managed to make him get out of her home for a night after a row he'd be back within 24 hours bugging her and never leaving again after.

This weekend she got the police to take him away a d touch wood he's not been here since and hopefully won't again.

It's the only thing that has worked! Pack his things, tell him to get out and call the police if he refuses.

(missed a bit. I only know because we heard the many many many top volume rows through the wall because he'd broken our relationships down as neighbours through aggressive, threatening and abusive behaviour and loud music booming at all hours and banging on the wall and screeching stuoidnnoises)

Look you either want him out or you don't. His mental health is not your problem, he must be threatening you to make you so scared to kick him out.

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

If this is the case you should contact his parents and make them aware.

You are not and cannot be responsible.

Change the fudging locks next time he’s out and leave his stuff on the doorstep.

He is not your problem and he is exploiting your sympathy and guilt.

Change the locks, kick him out. Have a friend come stay for moral support and as a witness in case he kicks off. He does not get to force you to stay in a dead relationship!

This is awful OP.

You need to pack all his stuff up and leave it by the front door when he gets home from work. Have a brother, dad, uncle friend there when he is due to return. call the police if he kicks off.

Block his number, get a ring doorbell to have evidence if he comes back and kicks off.

If you are worried about his anger then I would make sure someone is with you, preferably a male relative, pack his stuff up and get the locks changed. I'd also get the police involved as what he's doing is abuse and control. It's your house. He was to leave it. But if you think he is in any way a danger then ask for support from family, friends, women's aid and of course the police.

I had an ex who did this. I also worried about his mental health and felt intimidated by him.

Please, please don't waste any more time on this user. His mental health is his concern, not yours.

Do you have any real life support?

I had this with an ex of mine, I found the police very helpful as the law is on your side as it's your house & legally he has no more than lodger status. The police we're happy to offer to be there to make sure he left on the day I told him in writing that he had to be out by. Turned out that once he was told that the police could turn up to make sure he left. He up sticks & left ahead of the date I'd given him. Though not before sabotaging my shoe collection. Well worth losing a few shoes to be rid of him though

Change the locks when he is out op and pack his things his mental health is not your responsibility x

I had this with an ex of mine, I found the police very helpful as the law is on your side as it's your house & legally he has no more than lodger status. The police we're happy to offer to be there to make sure he left on the day I told him in writing that he had to be out by. Turned out that once he was told that the police could turn up to make sure he left. He up sticks & left ahead of the date I'd given him.

This. Please involve the police, you are going to be living like this indefinitely otherwise.

Only you know this man, OP. From the tiny snapshot you've given us, none of us know how he will react when he realises the game is finally up.

There are some red flags here for possibly violent behaviour, though of course we don't know that.

I second what others have said about getting a big male friend or relative if possible, failing that a witness. Call a locksmith on departure day and install a ring doorbell at the same time so he knows there will be video evidence of any ridiculous behaviour.

And if he still refuses to go, police. Do not back down or give him more time.

OP, you have tried to break up 6/7 times over the past couple of months.

How many more times do you want to try?

He has parents. They can look after him and his MH, if the issues are real.

You need to look after you and your MH. Get your own family on board. Set your boundaries and stand firm in them.

If you need external support, have a chat with a national or local domestic abuse agency. They will talk it through with you with no obligation.

Just realised you have a child.

Come on now, call the police and get him out.

This is a ridiculously toxic environment for your child to be living in and he's not even her dad!!!