Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't let me break up with him!

266 replies

Ivy2006 · 03/09/2021 07:43

Help!

I have tried breaking up with my boyfriend approx 6/7 times over the last couple months. However, no matter what I do, he doesn't leave! I own my home and he barely pays board so has no right over the property.

We have had a very rocky 2 year relationship as he has major trust issues which I have rebelled to on most occasions. I love him as a person but I want to move on and be by myself because I cannot cope with his insecurities any longer. We've just drifted.

I caught him messaging other women whilst he was drunk which he blames on the alcohol, he demands I come home when I go out with my friends, he accuses me of cheating and he definitely has controlling tendencies. For example, I went out with some work friends which happened to be a late one and I received 4 or 5 calls where he screamed down the phone, called me names and told me I HAD to come home.

Quite frankly, I've had enough. However, every time I try end, it doesn't work. I've really distanced myself the past month. I've stayed at my parents, I've stayed at friends and I've gone out as much as I can to avoid him. I've told him I don't want to be with him anymore and I want him to move out, yet he just isn't doing it.

Yesterday we had a chat and I said I don't see a future with him. Initially he got angry and put the blame on me, then he cried and told me he's sorry and we can get through this rough patch. Then he wakes up and acts as if nothing has happened! Why isn't it getting into his head?! Why won't he just let me go?!

OP posts:
TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 03/09/2021 10:47

Call the Police and get him removed. Then change your locks and block him.

Dullardmullard · 03/09/2021 10:50

I disagree if he’s aggressive and a bully this is exactly what the police are for.

Backbone time @Ivy2006 time and date and out he goes if not snd he gets aggressive or shouty phone the police.

FamBae · 03/09/2021 10:53

@girlmom21

If you own the house and he has no claim to it just change the locks and leave his stuff at his moms.

If he turns up kicking off call the police.

This!
Backtomyoldname · 03/09/2021 10:59
  1. Tell hm he’s got to go with a date.
  1. If he hasn’t gone stuff out on street/with relations.
  1. Change locks (back and front) euro locks - the common sort in new doors are from £10 each and a 5 min fit - see you tube. Yale types as easy.
  1. Tell him what’s happened, via text, then block.
  1. Tell neighbours and stay away a couple of days to let the dust settle.

All the best.

BlowDryRat · 03/09/2021 11:01

You need to toughen up. Tell him he and his things must be gone by the time you get home from work. If he's still there when you get home then call the police and say exactly what you've said here: you own the house, you have ended the relationship, he is refusing to leave and you're scared. They will get rid of him. His mental health (read: gigantic sense of entitlement) is not your problem.

Gonnagetgoing · 03/09/2021 11:13

He has to go and if he doesn't go by e.g. Sunday night then definitely get male friends or relatives to help you get him to move out.

Change locks too.

You are way too nice and he has you over a barrel.

gingergiraffe · 03/09/2021 11:13

This happened to my niece. My sister travelled on a train to her daughter’s house 300 miles away. They packed up his stuff, took it to his mother’s house and changed the locks. Job done. He tried to wheedle his way back in many times and turned up pleading with her but with her mum’s support she held firm. Niece even got an agreement for him to gradually repay money he owed her from using her credit card without her permission. I think he was actually scared of my sister! Act. It will make you much stronger once you have done it.

FinallyHere · 03/09/2021 11:14

Yet it doesn’t seem to stick with him

This is where you need to take action. Change the locks. Get his stuff out.

He will stay as long as he can talk you round.

Good luck

HermioneKipper · 03/09/2021 11:19

Do you have people who can come and help kick him out? Ie your parents, his parents, some burly mates who can frogmarch him out if he refuses to leave?

Sounds like you have to be brutal if he’s taking no notice of polite requests to go. Bloody cheek basically squatting in your house. Let his parents deal with his mental health issues. Not your problem

DeclineandFall · 03/09/2021 11:20

Go to his parents with his stuff. Explain the situation and say that you hope they can have a word with him before you phone the police. Change the locks.

annacondom · 03/09/2021 11:22

Get some back-up. Get a friend to come round and be there when you tell him and keep repeating until he agrees. Then, the rest as per pps. It will be worth it once you have your freedom back.

Viviennemary · 03/09/2021 11:24

Tell him he needs to leave. And tell him if he doesn't leave you will call the police. If you are afraid of his reaction dont tell him you are contacting the police. If you think his parents will be helpful you could try contacting them first.

OnceTheyDid · 03/09/2021 11:25

Oh come on OP. Get this man out of your house.

Take his stuff to his parents, change the locks (very easy to do yourself) and call the police if he turns up.

It's your fucking house - take charge all this pissing about isn't working is it !

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 03/09/2021 11:30

When you throw him out and he comes back with the usual ‘I’m going to end it all’ stuff that they all do, don’t be afraid to call the police. If he’s threatening suicide, then he needs help. From experience I know that a police welfare check usually stops that bollocks quickly.

Notaroadrunner · 03/09/2021 11:31

@Ivy2006

To answer everyone’s questions. He’s been sleeping on the sofa and the contact has been sparse. We’ve barely spoken at all.

The following mornings after telling him, I always reinforce what I said the night before. Yet it doesn’t seem to stick with him and he’s convinced we’re just in a rough patch and that we can move on from it.

I have given him dates that he needs to move out by, but he doesn’t keep to them.

I’ve thought about leaving his stuff at his parents but he’s quite clearly suffering with his mental health and id feel so guilty to do this.

Yes, I’m definitely scared of his reaction when he knows I’m being serious. He’s never hurt me but he does get angry and from being in a very physically abusive relationship in the past, it makes me uncomfortable

You're not responsible for his health issues. That's for him to sort out. You don't need to feel guilty for telling him to leave your home. Change the locks today. Get your parents over or a couple of friends/relatives to be there when he arrives home and have his things packed up and ready to hand over. It's your house. He has zero rights to stay in it without your permission. Get him out today and ask someone to stay with you for a few nights if you feel uncomfortable.
HyacynthBucket · 03/09/2021 11:33

No need to give further notice OP. The longer he has to think about it, the more likely he is to damage your stuff or otherwise cause trouble.
The letter idea given earlier and its wording are great - it is evidence just in case, plus you have copied his parents in so they will know your version of events as well as his.
Tell him that he and his stuff have to be gone tomorrow morning. I would not leave the house with him alone in it meanwhile. Get back- up in the house with you tomorrow am, and after he has left change the locks. If you arrange the locksmith today, to come tomorrow, that will give you a handy deadline.

GoodnightGrandma · 03/09/2021 11:34

@girlmom21

If you own the house and he has no claim to it just change the locks and leave his stuff at his moms.

If he turns up kicking off call the police.

This. Feel no sympathy, he’s taking the piss and will continue as long as you let him.
Fizzbangwallop · 03/09/2021 11:35

Call the police for advice. They deal with these situations all the time and will be able to help you. If you change the locks and pack up his stuff he can be gone by tomorrow.

His poor MH isn’t your problem. He has a family to support him and it’s their responsibility to look after him. You don’t want to be in a relationship with him any longer. He knows and understands this because you have told him many times but he has chosen to ignore you and manipulate you into allowing him to stay. Words haven’t worked so you need to take more drastic action.

He’ll leave VERY quickly if a police officer turns up to remove him!

oakleaffy · 03/09/2021 11:37

Get rid of him,OP
He’s taking the piss!
It is YOUR home!

Confusedandshaken · 03/09/2021 11:39

I know someone, a mature and sensible mum of adult children who ended up in a similar predicament. He wouldn't take no for an answer and insisted their love was strong enough to get through this sticky patch. She eventually packed his stuff, changed the locks and left his stuff at his mums. She had a couple of friends come and stay at hers for the first 2 nights but it wasn't needed. Once he realised she meant what she said he didn't contact her again. Within a week he had moved in with the next love of his life.

Incidentally the way my mate and her ex moved in together was very unplanned. They met, he love bombed her and after the first few dates he never went home. While it was going on she presented it to us as an incredibly romantic love at first sight story but with hindsight it's clear he wanted somewhere to live and zoomed in on her once he realised she was a pushover. Does that ring any bells OP?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 11:45

And stop worrying you'll feel guilty - you're a mum and should be entirely focused on getting this man out of your home as he hasn't taken no for an answer, won't 'accept' your decision and a man like that shouldn't be living under the same roof as your daughter because you're teaching her all kinds of bad lessons about relationship dynamics.

Whenever you feel guilty about him, picture your daughter in your home relaxed and happy with a relaxed and happy mum. That should be your absolute priority right now.

MabelSable · 03/09/2021 11:45

Change the locks and get him out or else 2 years from now you'll be holding his baby and still trying to think of ways to get rid of him.

Bollindger · 03/09/2021 11:56

Tell him you want a proper break, where you can sort your head out.
That you want him to go on Sunday and if he won't then it shows he doesn't care about you.
Help him pack this weekend, then on Monday change the locks, Screwfix have locks for under a £10 and just use one screw to change, youtube it...

1WayOrAnother2 · 03/09/2021 12:00

Arrange with friends to move his stuff to his Mum's on a certain date.
Tell him that this will happen -unless he moves it first.

Make sure that you are not alone with him as he realises that you are serious.

Be aware that your sympathy for his 'mental health issues' are being misread as love/passion.

Change the locks after he has gone.

ShellyShore · 03/09/2021 12:00

You've done the talking and it hasn't worked so forget that avenue.
Now it's time to do the actions as pp suggest - change the locks when he's out.

Swipe left for the next trending thread