Help

[buttercup1001]

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

@buttercup1001

It's hard for me I haven't had a very good past with guys and this one made me feel special I know I sound awful by complementing this guy but it's so easier said than done.

If you were willing to lose custody of your son for this arsehole and willing to not report him strangling you then I'm not sure what any of us can say to make you see clearly really.

Have you at least done anything about seeing a doctor about your throat? He could have caused internal damage that will continue to be an issue. And will be worsened when he inevitably does it again.

@buttercup1001

It's hard for me I haven't had a very good past with guys and this one made me feel special I know I sound awful by complementing this guy but it's so easier said than done.

He knows you haven’t had a great past with other men He is exploiting your vulnerability and feelings of guilt because he is a predator with nobody who cares about him and nothing to lose . You are mistaking serving his purposes for him loving you. He most certainly does not love you. Your son loves you. Your son needs you. This “man” will chew you up and spit you out for a new victim if you’re lucky or he will consolidate and escalate his abuse of you until you won’t be the one deciding whether the doctor needs to know because you’ll be rushed to hospital or taken to a mortuary

You really need to get some professional help here so that you can stop this toxic cycle before it actually claims your life.

Instead of trying to convince us he’s a lost soul and needs help you need to acknowledge that the person who is those things is YOU.

Like many other women who’ve commented on this thread I know what being in an abusive relationship is like so I’ve walked the walk.

You need to walk away. The life waiting for you away from this man is there if you chose to take the blinkers off or admit you need help to do that. This will help you realise your own self worth and understand that men like this want you to keep your bar set as low as it can be so you keep taking the scraps they dish out in between abusing you. You need to see that that is abuse in itself too. You need to seek help so that you set your bar high. For you and for your precious child. And never make these choices again.

Please please listen and act.

Read this OP and then go to a doctor.

www.thehotline.org/resources/the-dangers-of-strangulation/

This will never work.

Put your son first. Leave your partner.

Cut off contact.

Sorry but his problems are nothing to do with you. And you've let it affect your sons life.

Your son is your priority not your partner.

You need to leave him and show your son that you are there for him and will put him first. Child services too. The only thing you can do is leave and step away.

Walk into a police station and explain what happened and they will help you.

You can't change him

He doesn't live with you full time, tell him it's over, if he kicks off call the police. Who cares if he kills himself, one less prisoner wasting tax payer money.

Instead of trying to convince us he’s a lost soul and needs help you need to acknowledge that the person who is those things is YOU.

This.

Thank u I am going to read that up now.we just got back from Asda ans he kicked off because my male neighbour was walking down the street and he said hello.hes doing the hoovering now so I can have a look at the web more .p s he makes out I am to blame for his anger as me talking to my neighbour made him like it and I shouldn't of spoke to my neighbour to prevent his feelings getting hurt .

He seems to think I am responsible for his ways and if I didn't do things that set him off he pwujdnf he like that .but I only politely replied hello to him.he tells me I should think before I speak to the oppersite sex in future due to him feeling this way jealous etc .

He'll strangle you again. He told you there would be a 'next time'.

He thinks so little of you that he assumes if you don't answer immediately or you interact in any way with any man, you are secretly shagging them. He is disgusted by you.

You should be disgusted by him.

How can you have sex with someone who has strangled you and is the reason you lost custody of your lovely, polite, innocent little boy?

He wants you afraid to speak to anyone and to be socially isolated - "jealousy" is just an excuse. He doesn't genuinely feel worried/insecure that you're going to go off and shag the neighbour, it's just an excuse to punish you.

Normal = saying hello to neighbour and thinking nothing of it
Abusive = kicking off because partner says hello to neighbour

He wants full control of you.

He's doing the house work now and will say look at all I've done for u cleaning etc and then make me out that I'm useing him because he's doing the housework I feel no way out I feel terrible because he helps round the house etc but I don't like the anger and the jealousy and when gets aggressive etc .I feel sorry for him that he helps round the house and stuff but then that doesn't mean I deserve to then be abused etc by his anger and tantrums

@buttercup1001

He seems to think I am responsible for his ways and if I didn't do things that set him off he pwujdnf he like that .but I only politely replied hello to him.he tells me I should think before I speak to the oppersite sex in future due to him feeling this way jealous etc .

What do you think?

So are you going to go to the doctor or not OP? Because he has damaged the inside of your throat by strangling you and it needs a medical professional to look at it.

but then that doesn't mean I deserve to then be abused

At last, you've admitted he is abusing you. Well done

Do you think you could speak to somebody in real life about getting some help?

And please try not to feel sorry for the man who is abusing and manipulating you. He doesn't love you, he doesn't like you, you're just a thing for him to abuse.

But when two people live together, the housework is both their responsibility.

It's not yours because woman.

He's not doing you a favour or being special by doing some chores. It's normal to share chores in a relationship. It's 2021.

@buttercup1001

I know I should of left him but it's hard as he suffers with mental health and suicidal thoughts I know there's no justifyin with what he did.i have been worrying abouty throat since it happend as I've had constant hoarseness when I speak and heartburn which I've never suffered with.im scared to go drs and have to explain the reason why I'm there and having to explain that I Was strangled my by partner.

That's all well and good, but when someone else is a risk and a threat to another's wellbeing, you put that person first, which is you! You need to see your doctor about this, then there will also be a record, and start getting help and advice on your situation, and start the process of getting rid of this guy. Or leaving.

You feel bad he does some cleaning.

Does he feel bad he strangles you? Not enough to stop him doing it again.

Does he feel bad you lost your son? Not enough for him to walk away before you lost custody.

And you feel bad he does some cleaning?! You need help ASAP. You need to see a doctor too. He has damaged your throat.

@buttercup1001

I may as well say the background on my relationship I have a 6 year old son me and his father split up when he was 2 and I meet my previous partner when something odd happened his probation officer rang me up and that a police officer has advised I have a Claire's law on my partner due to him being high risk so I excepted to have the call out from the police.they did say he had previous of voilence and throat grabbing and it did alarm me and then spoke to my partner and he said his ex partners were mad in the head and that I am diffrent but this has happened twice now he's had me by the throat and pushed me here and there .child services told me that my son has to stay full time with his father due to my partner and his past and I am able to have my son twice a week and take him to school and pick him up.i love this guy and feel ashamed that I gave him a chance after hearing the Claire's law but he gets suicidal if I ever say I want to end the relationship were happy now but I still can't forget what he did three weeks ago and still feel unwell with my throat and not knowing if he's done a damage.

Okay, so is he actually suicidal or does he, as you say, only say/show signs of this when you say you will leave? As this is something some abusers will do. It's a shame you didn't listen when they told you about him being on the Claire's law record or however it is called. And you have chosen to lose your child full time, in place of sticking with this guy. You are not 'happy now' he will do this or something similar or worse again. Whether you choose to want your child back with you full time or not, you need to get out of this situation and fast!!

OP I’m really sorry for what you have been through. But I think you must have very low self worth if you are willing to stay with a guy because he says he loves you but then assaults you. You need to understand your own worth and realise you don’t need him to feel valued or loved. You can’t fix him. If he can get better it will be with the correct professional support but don’t ruin yours or your son’s life because of this guy. Think about it, you have given up your son just because of this guy.

How you can even be in the headspace to complain about the minutiae of his petulant, aggressive "tantrums" and how much housework he does when this scumbag is the reason you don't see your own child is beyond me.

Instead of droning on about how "special" and "loved" he makes you feel when he's not busy strangling you can you answer any of the posters who have correctly asked why the hell you don't want to dump him and get more contact with your son?!

Actually, it's better for your son you don't see him, if you choose shacking up with abusive losers over providing a safe home for your child then you don't deserve access.

I don't know why you bothered asking for help, you've completely ignored all the good advice and support you've been given and seem content to live in misery with this twat. At this point, you don't deserve better than him.

@buttercup1001

I know I have noticed I have become snappy alot at ppl like family etc I'm sure it's due to the strain I'm having in this relationship he can be so nice and loving his nice side shows more than his angry side but if say I don't reply to him straight away on a text or phone call he is accusing me of being with other males.i was in Asda shoping with my son and forgot to take my phone and he thought I meet up with another man.i am so torn because when he's being nice he's lovely he has a counsiler he's been seeing for few months and he's on medication for his depression but that episode ahaooned only three weeks ago so unsure of the support he is getting is working.plus when he did put his hands round my throat he said next time I do it call the police I was out of order etc but he's been angry and aggressive towards for the past 2 years and always said he will change.for him to say next time I do it call the police is making me think we'll does he really understand now that he has done wrong.

Omg, of course he knows he is wrong, and easy to say 'if I do it again' so he's not ruling out another time then, that's good of him!! Yes there are times they will 'admit' to stuff etc, it doesn't mean anything. So he knows he has another chance to do it, but you won't be able to call the police if you are dead! I'm sorry, I am not contradicting at all, as I have been in abusive relationship and said and thought similar things. But as someone who has had a chance to see the other side of it, reading this has got me jumping out of my seat saying please no get out now!!

Havnet been able to book a drs appointment as he's been with me but I am getting alot of phlegm build up sorry for the Tmi and headaches and just not feeling right but I am rryi g to forget about it as I don't wanna tell him is it because he strangled me for him then to kick off about it.my son goes to school ti sday so I can try and book a emergency appointment for the go and try go up there then.

@buttercup1001

And we've tried to talk to his support worker about his anger and try to get him help so he can be around my son but things like him Chokin me 3 weeks ago it isn't gonna happen I haven't told him support worker about this because it will effect the process of him getting the help etc.im torn I really am I love him and I love my son both of them.

No please, if this post is real, as some seem to be questioning it. Your son can never be around this piece of crap ever again!!

@buttercup1001

No I strictly never have him round when I have my son and I have stuck to the arrangements with child services.and am doing everything I can I really want him to change becaise I can see it in him that he can be a decent person I have been so depressed be wise of it trying to make ends meet .I feel trapped because I love my son dearly and him .

No, he can't be a decent person, you don't need to wait around to find out. So what will the next excuse be? If god forbid, he tries to strangle you again, and you survive that time, what will the reason and future look like then?

Yes I thought I was still so madly in love with my abusive ex, and went and told him something I shouldn't have, and he used it against me, and pushed having a child on me, and it was my child that made me end it.