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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Help

686 replies

buttercup1001 · 02/09/2021 12:04

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

OP posts:
coinkidinks · 03/09/2021 12:38

Really wish there was a way for MN to send op's details to police so they can trace the user down and SS could permanently remove their child from custody, and arrest the abusive loser. Have often thought this on threads like this where the women just don't want to help themselves after so much good advice.

Original poster
buttercup1001 · 03/09/2021 15:42

I know he can change I just wanted support or advice etc because I felt concerned also of my throat

OP posts:
category12 · 03/09/2021 15:43

What makes you think he can change?

Or that he wants to?

nimbuscloud · 03/09/2021 15:44

He won’t change
At least your son won’t be another child murdered by his mother’s abusive boyfriend

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 15:48

@buttercup1001

I know he can change I just wanted support or advice etc because I felt concerned also of my throat
People's advice is to leave because he's abusing you and now seven times more likely than other abusers to kill you.

People's advice was to go to the doctor because his physical abuse of you has damaged your throat.

People's advice was to get him out of your life so him being in your life doesn't cause further damage to the little boy you chose him over.

Are you going to take even one bit of that advice?

You 'know' he can change? Well he doesn't, because he already told you he'll do it again. He just told you to call the police 'next time' which you won't because you think this is love.

It isn't.

He will have told every woman he's ever been with he would kill himself if they left him. You aren't different or special, he's just saying it to you too as a manipulation tool.

You lost your son for this man.

I don't know how you can bear to look at him much less shag him and defend him on here.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 15:48

Also you've had 24 hours of being told you need to see a doctor about your throat. Have you made an appointment yet? Have you even called the doctors?

LadyCatStark · 03/09/2021 16:01

@buttercup1001

I know he can change I just wanted support or advice etc because I felt concerned also of my throat

Mumsnet HQ, is there nothing g you can do about this??

User85858686 · 03/09/2021 16:47

@buttercup1001

I know he can change I just wanted support or advice etc because I felt concerned also of my throat
They NEVER change.
CheesusWept · 03/09/2021 17:05

When your son grows up, he is going to hate you for picking up a worthless, abusive piece of shit over him.

You say you know he can change and you want to be a family?
There’s been a horrific case in the news recently about a step father who’s been charged with murdering his 5 year old step son, and the mother has been charged with perverting the course of justice.
NEVER allow this man near your son, because this is the vibes I’m getting from this thread.
This man is a danger, not only to you but to your child. And whilst you still think this man can change and be a family, then you are also a massive danger to your son.

You need to wake the fuck up.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/09/2021 17:10

He’s happy, he’s got a woman he can control & strangle. Why would he change?.

If he couldn’t help it he’d be attacking everyone who crossed him.

TheWeeDonkey · 03/09/2021 17:14

@buttercup1001

I know he can change I just wanted support or advice etc because I felt concerned also of my throat
The man you want and the man you have are two separate people. Now I don't know maybe he does look like an Adonis and give you the best sex you ever had. But hes still a violent, abusive layabout scrote. That's who he is, stop fantasizing over a man who doesn't exist.

Please stop thinking with your fanny and use your thinking brain!

Your throat is hurting because he throttled you, people do that when they try to kill someone.

HE TRIED TO KILL YOU AND YOU'RE FRETTING OVER TRYING TO MAKE LIFE BETTER FOR HIM!!!!!

Please, go to your GP, go to the police. Get help!!! Cut him loose and sort your own life out before embarking on another relationship.

Pinkbonbon · 03/09/2021 17:21

Exactly as pp says op.

He.tried.to.kill.you.

That's not love.

Mamamamasaurus · 03/09/2021 17:44

@buttercup1001

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship
Have you actually read any of the advice, the heartbreaking things you've read on this thread? You're making this harder than it needs to be.

Come up with a plan for you and your son, then implement it. Cut this piece of shit out of your existence and take back your life. Stop being the doormat he wants you to be.

layladomino · 03/09/2021 18:30

It is always shocking when someone puts a man before their child, but that seems to be what you are doing.

This man has showed you he is violent. He can't be trusted. He may one day kill you. Where would you son be then?

He is abusive, violent, arrogant (thinks you can't do any better than an abusive shit who hurts his girlfrield???)

Please believe what everyone here is telling you. You can't trust him. He abuses you. He hurts and threatens you. You deserve so much better than him.

This relationship you have with him isn't love. Love doesn't hurt or threaten. Love doesn't frighten.

Please seek support to get him out of your life. And keep talking here.

category12 · 03/09/2021 18:55

I don't think it helps to give OP stick about why she stays or heap vitriol about her child - kicking her while she's down doesn't help her get up again.

Domestic abuse can be an invisible prison. www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/women-leave/#1510676908911-b8a32b5f-9977

pascheretloire · 03/09/2021 19:21

I hope the local paper spells your name correctly in the report into your inquest, as that's the way this is heading if you don't come to your senses.
I'm struggling to believe this is real - you were forewarned about him from the actual police and probation services, you've lost custody of your son because of this man, and still you make excuses for him? You're digging your own grave.

AloneOnSaturn · 03/09/2021 19:32

@buttercup1001 you poor thing.

This man is not worth your time and energy. What does he provide for you? If anything, he has taken from you. He is interfering with you being able to see your child.

Please go to anyone close to you for support, and leave this man. He is still on probation? He should be back in prison for choking you the first time… and he’s done it more than once!!!

The fact that he is threatening to take his own life if you leave him is disgusting. This should be told to the people that are checking in on him, and then get the fuck outta there!

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 03/09/2021 19:51

So he has previously tried to kill woman by strangulation.
He has tried to kill you. He has injured you. And you haven’t contacted the police or gone to a and e? Ffs he will KILL you - do you understand next time you will be dead and your children will have no mother.
Take your children, now and any animals, leave the house and phone 999

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 20:10

@OmgIcantbelieveshedidit

So he has previously tried to kill woman by strangulation. He has tried to kill you. He has injured you. And you haven’t contacted the police or gone to a and e? Ffs he will KILL you - do you understand next time you will be dead and your children will have no mother. Take your children, now and any animals, leave the house and phone 999
Luckily OP lost custody of her son as she was given an ultimatum and chose this man, so at least her son is safe with his dad instead of living with them. Small mercies.
MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 03/09/2021 22:51

Hi There buttercup1001,

We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this right now.

We hope you don't mind us linking to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our [[https://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence Domestic
Violence]] page.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ Flowers

user1471457751 · 03/09/2021 23:48

@category12 except the OP knew at the start of the relationship that this man was violent and had strangled previous girlfriends. The police told her and she still decided she wanted to date him. It's a prison of her own making that she walked into knowing what an abusive piece of shit this guy is.

heyday · 04/09/2021 01:27

He can't change and won't change. It is you OP who needs to change. Why are you allowing this vile man to treat you so badly. Please get help for your issues so you can find the strength to leave him. 2 women every week are murdered by their current or past partner. Do you really want to join those figures. I bet a lot of those poor women...murdered by their partner...will say the same thing as you about how wonderful their partner is most of the time. That's not what matters.....what does matter is how vile he is when he isn't being nice. Imagine your child's face when being told that his mum is dead....murdered at the hands of her abusive partner. Please, please get some help before it is too late. His hands were round your throat for 15 seconds. Next time you 'annoy' him his hands could be around your neck for a lot longer until you simply cannot breathe. How terrifying is that???

Original poster
buttercup1001 · 04/09/2021 10:15

It's hard for me I haven't had a very good past with guys and this one made me feel special I know I sound awful by complementing this guy but it's so easier said than done.

OP posts:
Miseryl · 04/09/2021 10:23

He will kill you OP and you will leave your son without a mum.

Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 10:44

@buttercup1001

I know I should of left him but it's hard as he suffers with mental health and suicidal thoughts I know there's no justifyin with what he did.i have been worrying abouty throat since it happend as I've had constant hoarseness when I speak and heartburn which I've never suffered with.im scared to go drs and have to explain the reason why I'm there and having to explain that I Was strangled my by partner.
He'll do it again, so you need to leave as there will be a next time.
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