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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help

686 replies

buttercup1001 · 02/09/2021 12:04

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

OP posts:
DuchessOfDisaster · 02/09/2021 19:57

@buttercup1001

Pinkbonbon it's my place he is in a hostel ( temp accomdation) where he has support workers there monitoring he has no keys etc he just stays with me has been here since July since the summer holidays he goes bk when I have my son which is today so he will be bk later this evening around 6pm.he constanly asks me do I love him all the time every 10 mins he's so loving saying he couldn't cope without me and then I feel like I'm being loved because of his words the way he tells me he loves me regularly I really do hate the situation I'm in but find it so hard to get out of it
He's telling you a load of old codswallop. Why can't you see that?
DuchessOfDisaster · 02/09/2021 19:59

@Orgasmagorical

buttercup what goes through your head when you read posters saying that this man will kill you?
That she loves him and feels loved when he says nice things, which are only designed to reel people in.

This utterly beggars belief. It's insanity.

DuchessOfDisaster · 02/09/2021 20:02

@buttercup1001

Youvegottenminuteslynn he tells me things like" why would u want to throw away someone as good looking as me " it would be your loss someone else's gain "things like that.
He is no loss and certainly no gain to anyone else. He is a nightmare from hell and you are living it, and forcing your child to live it too.
DuchessOfDisaster · 02/09/2021 20:03

@buttercup1001

I am scared of being alone I think I love my son to bits it's hard I feel like I wouldn't cope and then I would have the stress of him then when I end it with saying he will kill himself etc.
Just grow up. I have lost patience with you.
TheWeeDonkey · 02/09/2021 20:26

@buttercup1001

Youvegottenminuteslynn he tells me things like" why would u want to throw away someone as good looking as me " it would be your loss someone else's gain "things like that.
Someone else's gain? A homeless psychopath?

To be fair hes got a point, the sex must be amazing for you to give up your only child so easily.

JamieFrasersSassenach · 02/09/2021 20:32

Honestly @buttercup1001 he does NOT love you.

You have deserted your son for this waster.

Your son will now grow up with low self esteem and a whole host of other mental health problems if you continue this relationship.

Your son is more important than how this 'man' (he is not a man, he is scum) makes you feel.

This man has targeted you because you are vulnerable.

I suggest you get some help with why your self confidence and self esteem are so low and then try to rebuild some sort of parental relationship with your son.

Until then your son is better off with his Dad by the sounds of things.

It does not matter how many times you post on here - your 'partner' is abusing you. End of.

You have a choice, leave him and rebuild your life and that of your son's, or stay with him, lose all contact with your son (& ruin his life) and more than likely be murdered by this man.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

Please, please for the sake of your little boy walk away from this relationship.

wewereliars · 02/09/2021 21:46

OP if I knew you I would report you to SS because I think your son would be better off without you in his life.

If what you have written is true, you are trying to get this arsehole into your son's life.

Shame on you.

User85858686 · 03/09/2021 03:59

@wewereliars

OP if I knew you I would report you to SS because I think your son would be better off without you in his life.

If what you have written is true, you are trying to get this arsehole into your son's life.

Shame on you.

This.
User85858686 · 03/09/2021 04:04

This excuse for a human being has damaged you physically (maybe permanently but you won't know until you see your GP) caused you to have your child removed from your care. Watches you, criticises you, controls you. And yes he will kill you eventually. How can your life be any worse than it is now, without him in it? You have no life. Seriously. And he won't kill himself, these bastards unfortunately never do. Please Tell the GP how you got your injury. Your poor son.

Original poster
buttercup1001 · 03/09/2021 11:19

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship

OP posts:
category12 · 03/09/2021 11:28

You can't change another person.

Any change has to come from the individual.

Come on OP - the guy has previous for the police to be able to tell you under Clare's Law. What makes you think you have the power to change a man who has this history of domestic abuse offences enough to have come to police notice and still hasn't changed?

LadyCatStark · 03/09/2021 11:31

I really hope this thread isn’t real as it’s really quite distressing how you are just not getting how fucked up this is for both you and your son. You can’t help this man. You can’t fix the relationship. You can’t become one happy family. You can get rid of him and start putting yourself and your son first. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing to this child. You’re affecting his whole life chances and even those of his children in the future.

chemicalworld · 03/09/2021 11:33

"I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship"

Honestly, I feel like this isn;t real. If it is real, then how do you expect to change this arsehole into a family man? You have already chosen him over your son who is going to grow up knowing you prioritised this scumbag over him.

Quite honestly you need to get your head out of the clouds, get rid of this man who will very possibly kill you and get yourself some counselling to try and find out why you think this is good enough.

DuchessOfDisaster · 03/09/2021 11:34

@buttercup1001

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship
I will probably be told off for saying this but I think if you take that stance you are absolutely crackers.

He is not the father of your child so you do NOT need him to be a family man. He has proved he is unstable, dangerous and you want to have him in the life of your child. Continuing in this way deems you an unfit mother. Sorry, but it does.

You need to get rid of him and get help for yourself. Leave him to it. You really need very serious help to change your way of thinking. If you want a family man, find another. This person is not it and you owe him nothing, but you owe your child everything - love, safety, protection, yet you are choosing harm and danger by involving this nightmare man in your lives.

Your reasoning shocks and appals me.

hellohithere · 03/09/2021 11:35

@buttercup1001

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship
By doing this, you are 100% prioritising him over your son.
OverweightPidgeon · 03/09/2021 11:36

Op , he will not kill him self, he’s using this to stop you from leaving.

DuchessOfDisaster · 03/09/2021 11:36

Do you really think that you are so pathetic, lowdown and useless that this man is the best you can do? If you do, you need to change that.

wewereliars · 03/09/2021 11:37

You have put him before your son OP. "Family man" ! The absolute state of this.

Why don't you buy a crocodile and train that to be a family pet.

Cleverpolly3 · 03/09/2021 11:37

I am starting to hope you’re bored and making all this up

DuchessOfDisaster · 03/09/2021 11:41

@Cleverpolly3

I am starting to hope you’re bored and making all this up
I wish I knew who it was so I could call Social Services and the police and get this man carted off.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 11:50

@buttercup1001

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship
You aren't putting him before your son?

You lost custody of your son literally because you chose to continue a relationship with this man.

How can you say you're not putting him before your son?!

He doesn't have the right to be a 'family man' because he is a violent, dangerous, misogynist, sexist abuser.

If I was your son's dad I would be doing all I could to further reduce your contact because the fact your goal is for this man to be around your child is terrifying.

He strangles other adults. You don't think he would harm a child? You don't think he could lose it with you in front of that child? You don't think he'll do anything to upset you when he wants to punish you including using your child to do so? Ffs.

I bet you're trying for a baby too, aren't you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/09/2021 11:51

Oh and he will have told every other woman he's been with that he'll kill himself if they leave. But he's still alive isn't he? He says that to scare you into staying but also to make you feel like your relationship is special / different to his others. It isn't. At all.

Are you considering having a baby with this man at some point?

Topseyt · 03/09/2021 11:59

@buttercup1001

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship
You can fix the relationship by leaving him. That is the only way.

Anything else is delusional. This is about as far from a family man as it is possible to get. He is a danger to both children and other adults. Your own experience and injuries should be sufficient evidence of that. If they are not then I'm afraid there is little hope for you until you wake up and smell the coffee here.

JeSuisPrest · 03/09/2021 12:00

@buttercup1001

I'm trying to change him with getting him the help so he can become a family man I wasn't saying I was putting him before my son I wanted to try and fix the relationship
You can't even change your own way of thinking, you've not got a cat in hell's chance of changing him.
JorisBonson · 03/09/2021 12:27

This has to be a wind up now.

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