Help

[buttercup1001]

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

@velvetpeach

"The social" should be bloody involved, you shouldn't be allowed to put your son in harm's way like this.

No sympathy left for you, you are just flaunting your lack of care now. Help is there, it is literally a phone call away, but no, you can change this crack-addled, ex-con, child abuser because it's DIFFERENT with you.

It's too easy to put all the blame on this man, YOU are the one responsible for your son and YOU are letting him down. Knowingly, and willingly, putting his needs below yours and this scumbags wants. You don't need a relationship, he doesn't need heroin and crack and to doss about strangling women. But you've chosen that over your six year old child.

It's unbelievable.

Yeah, this is a joke at this stage. Well except it’s not a bit funny.

I have never been more angry reading a thread on here. Get your shit together and stop making bullshit excuses.

How can booting this piece of shit out of your home and life be more stressful than what you’re currently experiencing?

It just can’t be

If you're getting really angry/frustrated with OP, maybe you'd be better hiding the thread than posting? I don't really think saying horrible things to her helps. She gets enough of that already.

@category12

If you're getting really angry/frustrated with OP, maybe you'd be better hiding the thread than posting? I don't really think saying horrible things to her helps. She gets enough of that already.

It’s precisely because of horrendous this situation is that people are trying to impress the utmost need for urgency

She keeps putting things off that could be done straight away: call the police even via the 55 process so she can do it when he’s there.
being scared of being scared is in fact worse than facing up to him then and that’s what many are trying to make her see

Endless “you are being abused please call women’s aid aren’t and haven’t worked. They’re not going to, it’s always too stressful, she’s always got a reason why. I’m afraid it is verging on enablement of his lifestyle and treatment of her

She doesn’t have forever as I think it’s a matter of days before he’s thrown out of the hostel and there for good.

What do you suggest that hasn’t been tried?

She's obviously not ready to call the police.

Plenty of people have already berated her and that hasn't worked in 20 pages either, so piling on in that way is basically bullying someone who has already told us she's got low self-esteem and feels like the only person who cares about her is her abuser.

The problem is that she is placing her son in the line of fire reading betwen the lines of what's been posted, and she is not taking decisive action because she does not want his dad, and social services finding out.

I realise that she is very vulnerable but OP is being incredibly irresponsible.

It's just unrealistic to expect someone who has got into this position and lost so much clinging to this relationship to u-turn within 5 days of being shouted at on the internet.

@category12

It's just unrealistic to expect someone who has got into this position and lost so much clinging to this relationship to u-turn within 5 days of being shouted at on the internet.

It’s not just five days though is it?

It been long enough to lose residence of her child!
It’s been long enough that he’s tried to throttle her twice!

I also don’t agree that shouting is is the overall method of communication here

I also asked you what you would do and you’ve not said. Not sure whether you have been in a situation like this or an abusive relationship but there are many who have writing here. People who know how hard this is but knew there was no other choice

When a man attempts to strangle you for the second time abs you knowingly walk into a set up where you will lose what scraps you have left with your only child the sugar coating needs to stop.

That's what I meant by how much she has lost already @cleverpolly3

It's hard to reverse course when you've gone so far down the road she has.

I would continue giving advice and signposting as I have been doing throughout the entire thread.

This woman is presumably at genuine risk of being killed and I wouldn't want my last words to her to have been full of swearing and anger.

For most women, although scared, when the threat of violence is aimed at their child they realise they have to act.

The OP is enabling a situation where her abuser will be living with her, so will be around when her son is. Given what a violent maniac he is, that is deliberately putting her son at real risk. It's hard to maintain sympathy to be honest, and it's not clear why OP has posted.

People are trying to jolt the OP into action, if she stays the chances are high that he will seriously injure and or kill her, and her possibly her son, who clearly should not be anywhere near him.

@category12

That's what I meant by how much she has lost already *@cleverpolly3*

It's hard to reverse course when you've gone so far down the road she has.

I would continue giving advice and signposting as I have been doing throughout the entire thread.

This woman is presumably at genuine risk of being killed and I wouldn't want my last words to her to have been full of swearing and anger.

So many people have signposted including some probably including myself that you are referring to. They’ve also given a lot of practical advice to try and encourage her to see where seeking help or taking those first steps can be done with less risk.

At some point she has to do something. Or what you rightly identify as being a very real risk might well come to pass.

@wewereliars

For most women, although scared, when the threat of violence is aimed at their child they realise they have to act.

The OP is enabling a situation where her abuser will be living with her, so will be around when her son is. Given what a violent maniac he is, that is deliberately putting her son at real risk. It's hard to maintain sympathy to be honest, and it's not clear why OP has posted.

People are trying to jolt the OP into action, if she stays the chances are high that he will seriously injure and or kill her, and her possibly her son, who clearly should not be anywhere near him.

In my recent post I wrote about enabling as you have and deleted it but yes sadly i do agree that’s what is coming to pass here

Like you also say women leave when the children become the targets. Sadly I know this to be true.

If the OP doesn’t do something soon this is her life. What little I fear will be left of it

@wewereliars

For most women, although scared, when the threat of violence is aimed at their child they realise they have to act.

The OP is enabling a situation where her abuser will be living with her, so will be around when her son is. Given what a violent maniac he is, that is deliberately putting her son at real risk. It's hard to maintain sympathy to be honest, and it's not clear why OP has posted.

People are trying to jolt the OP into action, if she stays the chances are high that he will seriously injure and or kill her, and her possibly her son, who clearly should not be anywhere near him.

This.

Sounds like you don't want social services involved as it will interfere with / set back your grand plan to show everyone how he has "changed" so you can continue to put your child at risk with no restrictions.

I cannot believe the drivel and excuses you're coming up with. You have and continue to fail your son.

Your child loves you. Don't let them loose you completely.

Take the first step in the morning. Choose one person to contact and tell them you need help. It could be your gp, a relative, your social worker or the police.

Just say. "I need help, he's tried to strangle me and I need help to get him out of my life".

Please. Take the first step

Wow - I want to say I’m not sure it could get worse OP - but it will sadly. If you stay with him he is moving in, and then his veneer of occasional loving behaviour you talk about will just disappear altogether as he has no need to keep you on side - he will certainly refuse to leave when your son arrives - he may stay out of the way day one so your ex doesn’t notice but not for long and you’ll lose the contact you have for sure.
It will equally be horrendous to try and break up, or even leave - you need support with this, but it will get better in time and you should maintain contact with your son.
You can’t help this guy, you’re enabling his behaviours, and only professionals can support him to move on up if that’s possible. He doesn’t seem to recognise much yet, such as you’d not keep a baby with him, so you’re part of his problem where he fantasises about how he can be a normal guy with a normal life - you’re a possession to help him do that even though it’s not realistic, but he can’t care about you, or love you, in the regular understanding of that term.
It’s your decision- the first step is the hardest well even making the decision is hard - but you’ll feel better for it and regain some pride in yourself. Just tell someone in real life.

You'll be a statistic one day! I can't imagine choosing a man over a child I gave life to! It's insane 😳

I suggest you contact woman's aid and get yourself on the next freedom programme.

@category12 is right. Frustrating as this thread may be, you don't help abuse victims by shouting at them and insulting them. OP is clearly very vulnerable and isn't going to be galvanised into action by people putting the boot in. It won't help her think straight - if anything, it's more likely to drive her away from this thread and closer to her abuser. There's a lot of helpful advice in this thread too and it would be a shame for OP to stop accessing it.

@buttercup1001 - as people have said: you can get away from this man but you need professional help to do it: talk to your mother; talk to your sister-in-law; talk to the police; talk to social services. You have been the victim of serious crime on an ongoing basis; you have been living at the crime scene with your attacker. It's only to be expected that you will need help to escape this situation and probably counselling to recover after you have done so. There is no shame in that. The sooner you reach out, the sooner you can get away from this man and start building a safe and good life for yourself and your son.

this is so fucking depressing. that poor child

buttercup101 if you don't feel able to contact the police, do you feel able to set up some arrangement with your mum or sister in law?

.. think about saying to them you have been having a few dizzy spells and that you have tripped over a couple of times. Ask them to come round straightaway if you send them an emergency text, because you are scared of falling down the stairs or something.

You really need to have at least something in place for when he starts again. You can dial emergency on your phone pressing only one button (you do know how to do this, right?) but the police will not know where you are and might not get to you in time. And of course he will probably knock the phone out of your hand.

Have you seen the BBC dramatisation 'Murdered by My Boyfriend' ? Ashley Jones had got away from the Thing who killed her but he continued turning up on her doorstep, giving her a sob story.

She took him back in. He battered her to death (using an ironing board, as well as his fists and feet).

Her poor, poor little daughter was hiding under the dining table and witnessed it all. I even feel guilty writing this because it must be so horrendous for Ashley Jones' family to keep reading it. And her daughter will grow up one day and be able to read what is written about her mother on line. I hope they understand that I'm trying to illustrate to you that these murders happen all the time.

In life, nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. People living in flood areas, or on earthquake fault lines, or in fire zones think it will not happen to them. It is part of our make-up to try to override what we know deep down. The reason you are looking pale and distracted is because every fibre of your being is trying to tell you that you are in imminent danger and you are trying to override it.

I beg you, beg you, not to have your child in the house when he is there.

When your son grows up, lets say even before that, in 7 years time, when he is around 13, when other kids his age will be having a laugh, maybe hoping to get a girlfriend soon, wondering what they will do for a living and how to get there, all your son will be able to think about was how his mother got herself murdered.

He will never forget it. It will obsess him. His whole life will be overshadowed by it. He will not be okay.

@buttercup1001

Yes I have taken on everything on board people have said.its finding the right time he is very cunning and can see when im up to something like going to drs etc.i was on a Skype group with friends from all over the world who I've been in touch with for years some of them are from the UK I have had to delete the Skype app and I miss chatting to th m I have to pop on the Skype desktop virsion now and again when he's out the room bit like I am doing now.ive had all my comforts taken like my Skype etc I know it's only Skype and sounds silly but I use to enjoy chatting with them had a girl on there and her son and my son use to chat alot. I feel I have lost myself I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time.

Why? What's his issue with the Skype? Is it because he doesn't like you having friends or because he knows you might get outside knowledge and in turn be pulled away from him 🤦‍♀️ I know a few who don't really speak to others when their 'partner' is around, or not comfortable doing so, some will try to tell me that is normal, no, it's not!

@Firetimeagain

buttercup101 if you don't feel able to contact the police, do you feel able to set up some arrangement with your mum or sister in law?

.. think about saying to them you have been having a few dizzy spells and that you have tripped over a couple of times. Ask them to come round straightaway if you send them an emergency text, because you are scared of falling down the stairs or something.

You really need to have at least something in place for when he starts again. You can dial emergency on your phone pressing only one button (you do know how to do this, right?) but the police will not know where you are and might not get to you in time. And of course he will probably knock the phone out of your hand.

Have you seen the BBC dramatisation 'Murdered by My Boyfriend' ? Ashley Jones had got away from the Thing who killed her but he continued turning up on her doorstep, giving her a sob story.

She took him back in. He battered her to death (using an ironing board, as well as his fists and feet).

Her poor, poor little daughter was hiding under the dining table and witnessed it all. I even feel guilty writing this because it must be so horrendous for Ashley Jones' family to keep reading it. And her daughter will grow up one day and be able to read what is written about her mother on line. I hope they understand that I'm trying to illustrate to you that these murders happen all the time.

In life, nobody ever thinks it will happen to them. People living in flood areas, or on earthquake fault lines, or in fire zones think it will not happen to them. It is part of our make-up to try to override what we know deep down. The reason you are looking pale and distracted is because every fibre of your being is trying to tell you that you are in imminent danger and you are trying to override it.

I beg you, beg you, not to have your child in the house when he is there.

Omg how awful is that story, that poor little girl!!

Op I understand your fear of going to the police, and I understand that it may not be possible to install your family at your home for protection against him.

You do need outside help though, I would contact womens Aid or the DV helplines.
I honestly think you need a safehouse, you need the time away from him for him to cool down and move on.

I personally would think of moving outside of the city if you know someone who could put you up. He just sounds too unpredictable to tell him you want to end it.

You know he's dangerous, think of the worse case scenario and act accordingly.