Help

[buttercup1001]

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

Ring women's aid and ask to go into a refuge. Then get your son back.
Or forget your son and get murdered. These are your only two options

Also I work with homeless people. If he doesn't stay at the hostel and keeps staying at yours they will close his room and discharge duty. Then he will lose his options of getting a house he really will be homeless and he will end up at yours for good. So deal with this now before he's there full time and no one is keeping an eye on him. Ffs

He's gone bk now I got my son here to take him to school my anxiety is so bad this morning I suppose getting bk in to the routine of school run etc.im still uneasy about him and am trying to find ways to get things moving it's hard when I am trying to do it as discreetly as I can as don't wanna stress family out and my son's dad.i know he won't go silently but I need to do it wheny son isn't gonna be here which he will he this evening when I pick him up.

You need help to do this. You need to contact the police and women's aid

You can also ask the police to get in touch with the council. Don't be there when he gets back. The council can give you emergency accomadation if you are fleeing domestic violence.

Ring the council in your area and do a homeless application on grounds of domestic violence.

The OP has already said it's her house. She does not need to flee.

Yeah Im not on the council housein so I should rightly be allowed to stay here I think but I'm not sure what they will suggest.

"You need help to do this. You need to contact the police and women's aid"

@Quaverscrisps is completely right about this. Do NOT try to deal with this man alone. You won't be able to do so and he may do you physical harm if not actually kill you in the process. Remember this man is a criminal. That's not about what he did in the past - it's about what he's doing now. Strangling you is a crime. Threatening you is a crime. Emotionally and psychologically abusing you (which he is also doing) is a crime. His behaviour is criminal. He doesn't play by the rules that you play by and he is extremely dangerous to you. Tell the police what's going on. They have much more experience of dealing with criminals than you do. Have some family members and/or friends physically with you to support you. Please talk to people in real life as soon as possible. That is how you will be able to get this man out of your life.

I feel so drained I got terrible anxiety I suffer with dizzy spells when out and about.i feel I can't be myself I feel very uneasy with people around me like people are watching me I know I sound completely mental saying that but I use to be such a happy go lucky person very approachable now I feel like I'm walking round in a shell.my friend stopped me today in the car and asked me if I was ok she thought I looked pale I said yes I've had a cold to cover up my emotional feelings I feel completely drained like I have no energy what so ever.

"I feel so drained I got terrible anxiety I suffer with dizzy spells when out and about.i feel I can't be myself I feel very uneasy with people around me like people are watching me I know I sound completely mental"

You don't sound mental. In fact, it would be more worrying if you weren't feeling drained, incredibly anxious, dizzy and paranoid. Those are natural reactions to being in a relationship with this man - he is abusing you constantly emotionally and psychologically by inventing stories about you being unfaithful in order to justify terrorising you with anger and threats; he has already tried to kill you twice and has warned you there is more to come. You have lost custody of your son because of this man.

Of course your mental health is shot to pieces and you feel like you have lost yourself. And lost the ability to judge matters correctly. It would actually be very strange if you weren't feeling this way. Domestic abuse is a crime. It may be the only crime where the victim is permanently at the crime scene with the criminal. This is your mental health and your body reacting to that situation. It's your brain and your body telling you that you need to be out of the situation and struggling with the fact that you're not yet out of it.

This is why we are saying you need external help to get away from this man. Not just because of your poor mental health but also because he genuinely is a huge danger to you and may do irreparable damage to you physically (if he hasn't already) or even kill you if you try to deal with him alone. Please talk to your mother and sister-in-law. Tell them what you've told us. Tell them that you need to get away from him and you need help to do so. And, with their support, go to the police. This guy should no longer be free anyway. He should already be back in prison. And you will be a lot safer if that is where he is. And, ultimately, so will he. It will stop him doing even worse harm and going to prison for even longer. So he will be better off if he's back in prison.

Try and speak to your mother and the police today. Get the ball rolling on this.

There is no way to end this safely without the police getting involved. They can remove him, and his stuff, and put in place Non-Mol safety measures to make sure he stays away.

YOU are not involving them - HE is. A normal relationship break up is painful and sad, but not scary or violent. If your break up is that, then it's down to HIS behaviour. Not yours.

You do not influence his behaviour. Not one bit. It's the other way round - he looks for excuses to unleash the anger and hatred inside him. Look at all the things you've stopped doing because he tells you it sets him off - you still got strangled for nothing.

Go to your mum. Tell her the truth of all the stuff you've been hiding from her - that he's secretly been staying with you, that he's back on drugs again and everything else. Tell her you want her support because you want to go to the GP and the Police. Let people help you.

The alternative is that you die a violent and terrifying death, and your son will always wonder why his mother didn't love him enough to stay in his life.

@Drinkingallthewine

There is no way to end this safely without the police getting involved. They can remove him, and his stuff, and put in place Non-Mol safety measures to make sure he stays away.

YOU are not involving them - HE is. A normal relationship break up is painful and sad, but not scary or violent. If your break up is that, then it's down to HIS behaviour. Not yours.

You do not influence his behaviour. Not one bit. It's the other way round - he looks for excuses to unleash the anger and hatred inside him. Look at all the things you've stopped doing because he tells you it sets him off - you still got strangled for nothing.

Go to your mum. Tell her the truth of all the stuff you've been hiding from her - that he's secretly been staying with you, that he's back on drugs again and everything else. Tell her you want her support because you want to go to the GP and the Police. Let people help you.

The alternative is that you die a violent and terrifying death, and your son will always wonder why his mother didn't love him enough to stay in his life.

The police don’t put non Molestation orders in place You have to apply for them through the civil courts Police s arrest someone on suspicion of stalking and harassment which Might in itself lead to options including restraining order but that is through the criminal court

I have no doubt though that the OP would get a non Molestation order. A referral by social services or the police to a domestic abuse organisation will allow this to be done with legal aid support and can be down quickly

But yes the Police can remove him if he won’t leave the house which of course he won’t. His behaviour then will probably end up with him being arrested and detained anyway as likely he will assault someone.

@buttercup1001

The National Centre for Domestic Violence (www.ncdv.org.uk/) can provide advice and support for people seeking non-molestation orders. But that's for later.

The first step is to involve the police. They can put a domestic violence notice in place. This lasts for up to 48 hours, during which time the police can apply for a domestic violence protection order which lasts up to 28 days (www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-violence-protection-orders/domestic-violence-protection-notices-dvpns-and-domestic-violence-protection-orders-dvpos-guidance-sections-24-33-crime-and-security-act-2010).

The DVPN and DVPO offer the same protection as a non-mol but only last for a short period of time. But while the DVPO is in place, OP can apply for a non-molestation order to come into effect when the DVPO expires.

@buttercup1001 - remember: the police will have dealt with domestic violence cases before. They will know how to handle this man and what to do about him. You need to involve them. And as I've said before, allowing him to stay free and do worse damage to you isn't helping him - he will have to serve a longer prison sentence if he does more harm to you/kills you. And he certainly will do you more harm and may well kill you. It's in his interests for you to involve the police also. He won't see it that way but it is. (Not that you need to look after his interests at all but bearing this in mind will hopefully help you take the necessary action).

And above all - remember your little boy who's helpless in all of this and remember how happy you were before you started a relationship with this man. You can get back there but you need to safely get this man out of your life first.

Hello couldn't do it today as had to collect Sona uniforms am trying best I can.im going to phone Dr tomorrow and take it from there

Why are you ignoring every poster's advice to phone the police?!!

Is your son there now? In your home which this scumbag has moved into?! Does the boy's father know he lives there now?!

You have no intention of leaving him, every day is another excuse. This is heartbreaking for your poor child.

@buttercup1001

Hello couldn't do it today as had to collect Sona uniforms am trying best I can.im going to phone Dr tomorrow and take it from there

Actions speak louder than words. You are procrastinating too much and inventing ridiculous and irrelevant excuses.

Your child is at risk and is suffering badly here, but I don't think you have any intention of doing anything about it.

You'll still be with this obnoxious arsewipe in months to come. You seem to think he is marvellous and have some stupid, romantic notion of you saving him from himself, which is dangerous and vomit inducing bollocks.

No my son has gone with his dad now.he doesn't come bk here till this evening now I am finding the right time I don't want the social etc being involved due to a police report it causes me more stress

The police will get involved because of who he is
There is never a good time just a time when he’s not there and you enact your plans

What happened to the doctors appointment snd the appointment about the coil?

Well the police and social services will be involved because it's their job to protect people from criminals like him.

Unfortunately while you don't want them involved, you chose to lose your son in favour of being with a crack addict who strangles you and you've been lying to everyone about the situation so it's now time to come clean.

You cannot safely leave a dangerous man without help. It's that clear cut.

If you want to be part of your son's life, woman up, call the police and get the ball rolling without letting on to that monster that you're preparing to end things with him.

You don't seem to get the fact that you and your son aren't going to be adequately safe when you leave this bloke UNLESS the police and social services are involved.

Tbh you sound more worried about getting in trouble with them than you do about being safe and being part of your son's life.

"The social" should be bloody involved, you shouldn't be allowed to put your son in harm's way like this.

No sympathy left for you, you are just flaunting your lack of care now. Help is there, it is literally a phone call away, but no, you can change this crack-addled, ex-con, child abuser because it's DIFFERENT with you.

It's too easy to put all the blame on this man, YOU are the one responsible for your son and YOU are letting him down. Knowingly, and willingly, putting his needs below yours and this scumbags wants. You don't need a relationship, he doesn't need heroin and crack and to doss about strangling women. But you've chosen that over your six year old child.

It's unbelievable.

You don't sound mental.
You sound terrified, worn down, and paralysed. Understandably.

You need help with this.
The involvement of social services and the police is not something to avoid, it is what will get you to the other side of this. You can't see what's there yet and the unknown is really scary too.

Start preparing. Mentally and physically.
Take care of yourself - eat well, go to the doctor.
Talk to Women's Aid or Refuge or similar first. You don't have to tell them your name. Just get used to talking about what is going on. The first step is the hardest but once you take that first step in the right direction lots of things start to fall into place.

Don't let your son grow up with a terrified mother, it's obvious you love him.

This is the most frustrating thread ever. You're full of excuses and quite frankly full of shit. You didnt have time to call anyone today? Your son has been at school all day, you could have made some phone calls you just don't want to.

@buttercup1001

Hello couldn't do it today as had to collect Sona uniforms am trying best I can.im going to phone Dr tomorrow and take it from there

You couldn't make any phone calls today as you had to collect your son's uniform? That stopped you making any calls at all, all day, on one of the precious days you didn't have your arsehole 'boyfriend' looking over your shoulder?

Another wasted opportunity.

"You need help with this.
The involvement of social services and the police is not something to avoid, it is what will get you to the other side of this. You can't see what's there yet and the unknown is really scary too."

@buttercup1001

This. You need professional help and you will actually start to feel better as soon as you reach out for that help. Please reach out to the police. Please also reach out to your mother and your sister-in-law. You cannot do this alone and you need that real life support.