Help

[buttercup1001]

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

I don't believe for a second this is real. How can somebody he so dense and stay with this man and feel sorry for him 🤣

And HOW could someone put their son over this looser?

Cool story, OP 👏🏼

He come on to me and I said I didn't feel like it then he says well that makes me more paranoid you have had sex with some here now.make me feel like I am obligated then to have sex with him or he will get angry thinking it's because I've had sex with someone else.

What do you want us to say???

Prioritize you son - leave the violent drug user!!

I am going to soon I just need the right time it isn't easy doing it on my own I know I got my mum but it's the aftermath of it all him coming here etc .how am I gonna get his stuff removed from here etc.i would rather do it without authorities involved it's all going to be to hard.the day I end it he said it won't be pretty and he will either kill someone or himself

Look I struggle with confidence and self esteem but I'm single and have been for years
Your bar is set lower than anyone else I've ever seen, what would you say to a friend in your situation? He's an abuser and a drug addict, why couldn't you just be single and without him? You need him like a hole in the head

There will only be an aftermath if you let it become one.
Just call the police you really are putting obstacles in the way of every bit of advice you've been given on here.

@buttercup1001

I am going to soon I just need the right time it isn't easy doing it on my own I know I got my mum but it's the aftermath of it all him coming here etc .how am I gonna get his stuff removed from here etc.i would rather do it without authorities involved it's all going to be to hard.the day I end it he said it won't be pretty and he will either kill someone or himself

Well I'm sure your son would rather you chose him over this arsehole but life doesn't always give us what we 'would rather'.

So woman up, get the authorities involved and get him out of your life.

If he kills himself (he won't and he will have told all the women before you he was going to but obviously didn't follow through) it'll be no great loss to the world will it.

He's sexually abusive on top of everything else.

If you don't break up with this man now then you aren't fit to have access to your son tbh as your decision making and ability to safeguard is so far from healthy.

Your son is exposed to danger just by you being with this man, especially now you've moved him in.

He'll be there on Spice and crack, abusing you in a million different ways until one day he kills you. If that isn't the future you want, you need to get him out.

Well you need to alert the authorities op. Because if he is threatening to harm other people and you dont tell them and he kills someone, you'll be in trouble too as an accessory.

Drop down your local police station, tell them you are leaving your violent partner soon and he has threatened to harm ppl/himself when you do. It's just a heads up for them. And they may help you to safely remove him from your home.

You really would be wise to enlist as much help getting him out as possible.

Start by going to the GP, tell them everything. Be examined for injuries and get it all documented. Ask the GP to call the police and women’s aid and let them take it from there.

You need professional help extricating yourself from this ‘man’. He is such a danger to you and others around him. Can you go to the drs when you have your son next? Your bf won’t be around then will he?

If you really want to, you can get out of this nightmare, you just need to take it one step at at time and accept every piece of help given to you. You will end up dead because of this man if you stay with him, if not literally then emotionally, he is killing your soul.

Yes I have taken on everything on board people have said.its finding the right time he is very cunning and can see when im up to something like going to drs etc.i was on a Skype group with friends from all over the world who I've been in touch with for years some of them are from the UK I have had to delete the Skype app and I miss chatting to th m I have to pop on the Skype desktop virsion now and again when he's out the room bit like I am doing now.ive had all my comforts taken like my Skype etc I know it's only Skype and sounds silly but I use to enjoy chatting with them had a girl on there and her son and my son use to chat alot. I feel I have lost myself I don't know if I'm coming or going half the time.

Ok it all sounds terrible, but there’s no urgency in your replies. You need to do something about this TODAY or at the next available opportunity. Your life is in danger!!! Do you have a plan, at least in your mind, of what you’re going to do?

SO FUCKING WELL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT THEN!

So what are you going to actually do?

As in tomorrow / this week, what are you going to do?

It's never going to be easier to leave him. You need to do it BEFORE you're pregnant because abuse ramps up during pregnancy but also because neither of you are capable of parenting a child safely.

So what's the plan?

OP - you've had amazing advice on this thread. It's not surprising that you don't know whether you're coming or going.

You were clearly vulnerable at the outset of the relationship - any sensible woman would run a mile from a drug-addicted ex-con, no matter how physically attractive he was; even more so any sensible woman who had children.

You are even more vulnerable now that you have spent some time being emotionally, mentally and physically abused by this man. Make no mistake - he will probably kill you if you don't get away. He has already tried to do so twice (that's what strangulation is). As previous posters have said - strangulation is a strong indicator for future serious harm and murder - and this man is repeatedly looking for excuses to be angry with you so that he can justify further emotional, mental and psychological violence. He is incredibly dangerous to you and women and children generally. He sounds capable of killing your son, too, so it's just as well you've lost custody of your son for now.

The difficulty is that the intense highs and lows which come from abusive relationships can in some ways become addictive. Even abusers are capable of behaving well and the good times can feel even more ecstatic in an abusive relationship because of the relief, the contrast with the bad times and also because abusers can love bomb like there's no tomorrow. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood explains this very well. I think you are addicted to this relationship and would find Robin Norwood's book helpful.

It's clear you need external help to extricate yourself from this relationship.

Right now - do you have a family member or friend who could move in with you for the next few weeks or someone you could move in with? If necessary, could you manufacture a story that a family member/friend is visiting and/or ill and/or needs somewhere to stay temporarily? They could then move in with you or you could go to them and buy yourself some time away from this man.

You can also start speaking to Women's Aid for advice and also speak to the police and explain your situation.

Remember - if he goes back to prison for his actions, that's down to him not you. But also - he will have to go back to prison for a lot longer if he kills you. So in fact by reporting him to the police now, you are protecting him from the worst excesses of what he might do, as well as protecting others from him. He won't see it that way but it is the truth. You're not helping this man by protecting him from the consequences of his violence - you're actually harming him and doing so at immense personal risk and cost to yourself and your son.

@Dery

OP - you've had amazing advice on this thread. It's not surprising that you don't know whether you're coming or going.

You were clearly vulnerable at the outset of the relationship - any sensible woman would run a mile from a drug-addicted ex-con, no matter how physically attractive he was; even more so any sensible woman who had children.

You are even more vulnerable now that you have spent some time being emotionally, mentally and physically abused by this man. Make no mistake - he will probably kill you if you don't get away. He has already tried to do so twice (that's what strangulation is). As previous posters have said - strangulation is a strong indicator for future serious harm and murder - and this man is repeatedly looking for excuses to be angry with you so that he can justify further emotional, mental and psychological violence. He is incredibly dangerous to you and women and children generally. He sounds capable of killing your son, too, so it's just as well you've lost custody of your son for now.

The difficulty is that the intense highs and lows which come from abusive relationships can in some ways become addictive. Even abusers are capable of behaving well and the good times can feel even more ecstatic in an abusive relationship because of the relief, the contrast with the bad times and also because abusers can love bomb like there's no tomorrow. Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood explains this very well. I think you are addicted to this relationship and would find Robin Norwood's book helpful.

It's clear you need external help to extricate yourself from this relationship.

Right now - do you have a family member or friend who could move in with you for the next few weeks or someone you could move in with? If necessary, could you manufacture a story that a family member/friend is visiting and/or ill and/or needs somewhere to stay temporarily? They could then move in with you or you could go to them and buy yourself some time away from this man.

You can also start speaking to Women's Aid for advice and also speak to the police and explain your situation.

Remember - if he goes back to prison for his actions, that's down to him not you. But also - he will have to go back to prison for a lot longer if he kills you. So in fact by reporting him to the police now, you are protecting him from the worst excesses of what he might do, as well as protecting others from him. He won't see it that way but it is the truth. You're not helping this man by protecting him from the consequences of his violence - you're actually harming him and doing so at immense personal risk and cost to yourself and your son.

Amazing post 👏 OP please read this and take in every incredible word.

Thank you for that advice I just read it now .I'm trying to check this when he's out the room etc.ive got my mum's I can stay there or my sister in law's she's pretty close I will have to try and sort this out without being alone with him.i just video called my son on WhatsApp and he went mad because my ex the father of my son said he was giving me a letter to hand in to the school tomorrow morning.he said you to sounded all pally pally I was only talking to my son's dad regarding the school letter his dad mentioned.

He gets like a child he has now go e downstairs in a sulk because of it .this week I am getting it sorted one way or another I've got to its making me feel unwell now.

Ffs so after all the advice and all the resources shared you still aren't going to involve the police so they can keep you safe and assist you in the process of getting away from him?

Why? If you're going to leave him anyway and you're worried about his reaction then why not go to the police to report the incidents, tell them you want to get away from him but that you're scared and don't want to give the game away to him until you've had their advice and a sensible plan in place. Then beg them to help.

If you're serious about breaking it off with him you would be planning to do that.

@buttercup1001 PLEASE PLEASE go to the police, report him strangling you, phone Women's Aid, anything that will get you away from him.

Your son is going to lose you if you don't take action - either you won't be allowed contact anymore or you will be dead.

If you don't leave him then these are your potential outcomes - there will never be a future where this man is lovely, caring and kind.

He will never ever be who you want him to be, and that is not your fault.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE THIS MAN.

I just hope to God that this thread is not real.

I've been through similar.
HE WILL NOT CHANGE!
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM
EVEN ALL THE THERAPY IN THE WORLD WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CHANGE HIM!
Social services will NEVER let you have your son full time while you are with him. Ever because of his past.
He's a sociopath.
You need to leave!!!
You need extensive support and therapy.
If you can do this I promise you that you can be free and happy again...and hopefully a mum.

Also I liken this to being brainwashed sadly.
Please please call the police, talk to the GP or woman's aid before you destroy the rest of yours and your sons life.
Things can and will get better

Oh my love this is so awful, I've just read all your posts. I had an abusive partner, though he didn't choke me (you know this is a massive red flag and high risk to you) but he did assault me, break things, hint at suicide, accuse me of wanting other men - like you I lost contact with a lot of family and friends through him. His Clare's background is so worrying.
Prison for 17 months?? I think there was more than a justifiable slap to get that sentence.

I got help from a local domestic abuse service and also the police who were really good. He didn't kill himself, though I was scared of it for a while. He didn't come to get me either, though I can't guarantee that won't happen as your partner sounds very dangerous.

What made my mind up was thinking of being old together. AHHHH!

I can 100% promise you won't regret leaving.
You may feel sad and go through some tough times emotionally - but how will that be worse than watching your step every day as you are now. You'll have your son - think about how he would feel knowing you chose this 'man' over him in the future.

Get the f*ck away from him, you're worth so much more.

@buttercup1001

Thank you for that advice I just read it now .I'm trying to check this when he's out the room etc.ive got my mum's I can stay there or my sister in law's she's pretty close I will have to try and sort this out without being alone with him.i just video called my son on WhatsApp and he went mad because my ex the father of my son said he was giving me a letter to hand in to the school tomorrow morning.he said you to sounded all pally pally I was only talking to my son's dad regarding the school letter his dad mentioned.

Definitely go to a family member. They probably already have their suspicions. Get your essential paperwork together, take it with you to their house, ask them to come to the police station with you. With this guy's history they will absolutely take you seriously.

God I've read all of your posts @buttercup1001

Why do you care? Do you talk to your ex? You're obviously breaching all the policies from social service's, I bet you £1000000 he is there when your son is after school.

Next councilling, take your stuff, go to your mum's and leave him. If you don't want any confrontation, that's the way. Turn your phone off, he will not kill himself!
He will probably harass you for a few weeks and find fresh prey.
Just to reiterate, he will not kill himself!!!