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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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686 replies

buttercup1001 · 02/09/2021 12:04

Hi my partner of 2/3 years put his hands round my throat 3 weeks ago couldn't breathe for about 15 seconds and he let go.ive since had trouble/ pain in my throat and heartburn alot plus I have become forgettable can these symptoms be due to this or would the symptoms have dissapeared by now?

OP posts:
buttercup1001 · 05/09/2021 20:41

He's been cleaning alot and asking me for approval saying u should be honoured I'm doing all this for u .he always wants praise etc

OP posts:
lovingtheheat · 05/09/2021 20:59

You just keep making the same points again and again that people have already kindly spent time giving advice on.

category12 · 05/09/2021 21:06

I am going to take the coil option this week.

That's a good step.

Cleverpolly3 · 05/09/2021 21:27

If you’ve got an appointment for the coil to be fitted this week is it at your GP practice?
If so then use this time to tell them

buttercup1001 · 05/09/2021 21:39

Yes the nurse will do the coil at my Gps.i feel trapped because I love him I really wish there was a way I could makes ends meet with the social my and my partner getting help .

OP posts:
me4real · 05/09/2021 21:54

Wow OP, you've chosen this bloke over having your child more. I understand you're in an abusive relationship though.

Please do see your GP, don't tell this violent man, who stands quite a risk of killing you at some point, that you're going. Get a coil for sure.

Your mum will help you if you say you want to leave him, as she disapproves of him.

But this bloke is highly dangerous, his background and how seriously the authorities have taken his potential risk proves it. You need to speak to Women's Aid, they'll help you make a plan to separate from him safely, without him harming you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 21:56

@buttercup1001

Yes the nurse will do the coil at my Gps.i feel trapped because I love him I really wish there was a way I could makes ends meet with the social my and my partner getting help .
Well you need to make a decision.

Do you want to be with this man so much you're willing to risk your life (potentially) and a lifetime of abuse (definitely) to be with him?

Do you want to be with this man so much he was worth losing your son for?

Do you want to be with this man so much you're willing to bring another innocent child into the world knowing they would either grow up in an abusive home or put in care?

Do you want to be with this man so much you're willing to never have more contact with your son than you do now and realistically have less as time goes on?

Do you want to be with this man so much that you allow him to repeatedly strangle you, control your contraception, dictate what happens to your body and think you're shagging men if you even look at them?

Answer each of those honestly and you'll know what to do.

Maybe you are willing to do those things. Base your decisions on if he doesn't change, because statistically he's more likely not to than he is to do so.

You've given him zero reason to do so.

You gave up your own son for him. Unless you leave now, he must think there's nothing you won't do for him.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. He thinks women are always looking for another man to shag if they so much as make eye contact. He thinks children are replaceable and disposable. He thinks you are worthless.

Can you answer those questions I've asked above to try and examine your own position on all this?

JorisBonson · 05/09/2021 22:10

@Cleverpolly3

I’m starting to think troll
Yep. Last hurrah of the summer holidays.
user1471442488 · 05/09/2021 22:18

@buttercup1001

Yes the nurse will do the coil at my Gps.i feel trapped because I love him I really wish there was a way I could makes ends meet with the social my and my partner getting help .
This thread has absolutely boiled my blood. You have repeatedly chosen a violent piece of shit over your lovely sweet little boy. You’re a terrible mother.

Blah blah blah I can fix him blah blah I have low self esteem blah blah mental health issues…

I have so much sympathy for abused women normally. I was one. He’s going to kill you or hurt your child but he will NEVER kill himself. I think you know this but it gives you an excuse to stay.

I genuinely hope you get away from him but I don’t think you actually want to. Actually fuming here about what you’ve exposed your child to. He’s a cunt and honestly, it would be no loss to the world if he topped himself.

me4real · 05/09/2021 22:21

it would be no loss to the world if he topped himself.

@user1471442488 Hey I'm really into my black magick right now. Time for a death curse? Can't think of a much better reason.

@buttercup1001 PP's are right, he's not going to off himself.

upaladderagain · 05/09/2021 22:23

If ever there was an argument for compulsory sterilisation ......

OmgIcantbelieveshedidit · 05/09/2021 22:33

You posted asked for help.you have been told by a hundred people that he won’t change, that you clearly don’t love your son as much as him as you dumped your son and not the man, you have been told to get medical advice - no one can diagnose your injuries, that you want a baby with a man when it clear said baby would be taken immediately into care - yet despite 100 people telling you the above you think you are this wonderful magic that will change him - it won’t.

Onthedunes · 05/09/2021 22:34

Is he still taking drugs op?

@Cleverpolly3 and @JorisBonson

Sadly there are people who live with this much turmoil in their lives, whether it's a troll, we don't know but there are many disillusioned men out there who are self medicating with any drug available when they leave prison.

The op has already made her choice when she allowed this man into her life knowing full well she was not prioritising her son.
Your son will have life long issues with this as you have abandoned him, please try to think of him.

This man will pull you down, use you, spend your money and abuse you, he must help himself.
He cannot expect you to save him when you have a responsibility to your son, he will cling onto you for dear life as he parasitically lives off you.

It's not love, you think it is but he honestly cares for no one but himself and you will not change that.

He has made some bad choices in life, now he is expecting you to do the same.

Cleverpolly3 · 05/09/2021 22:40

@Onthedunes

Is he still taking drugs op?

@Cleverpolly3 and @JorisBonson

Sadly there are people who live with this much turmoil in their lives, whether it's a troll, we don't know but there are many disillusioned men out there who are self medicating with any drug available when they leave prison.

The op has already made her choice when she allowed this man into her life knowing full well she was not prioritising her son.
Your son will have life long issues with this as you have abandoned him, please try to think of him.

This man will pull you down, use you, spend your money and abuse you, he must help himself.
He cannot expect you to save him when you have a responsibility to your son, he will cling onto you for dear life as he parasitically lives off you.

It's not love, you think it is but he honestly cares for no one but himself and you will not change that.

He has made some bad choices in life, now he is expecting you to do the same.

If you read my other posts I’m saying exactly what you are
buttercup1001 · 05/09/2021 22:43

He's said tonight that he may aswell give his hostel up as he's never there and I replied let's leave it as it is for now.he got moody and said is it because your planning to end it with me I said no ( just to keep the peace)

OP posts:
buttercup1001 · 05/09/2021 22:44

Sorry was half way threw that message

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 22:45

If you said "I need some time to process you strangling me without you sharing my home. If you love me you'll respect that and give me some space." what do you think he would say?

me4real · 05/09/2021 22:47

@youvegottenminuteslynn What he would say wouldn't be the top of my list of worries if OP said that. This is a serial abuser of women.

Cleverpolly3 · 05/09/2021 22:49

@buttercup1001

He's said tonight that he may aswell give his hostel up as he's never there and I replied let's leave it as it is for now.he got moody and said is it because your planning to end it with me I said no ( just to keep the peace)
We could all see that coming He’s on the make
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 22:50

[quote me4real]**@youvegottenminuteslynn* What he would say* wouldn't be the top of my list of worries if OP said that. This is a serial abuser of women.[/quote]
What I meant was that OP is in a relationship where her abuser is so awful she wouldn't dare ask that question for fear of repercussions. She has to leave, he's seriously abusing her and now even risking her life for him and lost her son for him. Unthinkable.

Onthedunes · 05/09/2021 22:58

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I doubt he even remembers strangling her, this is not a coherant reasonable person this will be a damaged idividual who has serious mental health issues.

One wrong move from her and there could be serious repercusions.

If you want to leave him, you must admit you need help op. I should imagine your mother would be frightened to help you, could you phone Women's Aid and explain. They maybe better served to help you terminate the relationship safely.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/09/2021 23:01

[quote Onthedunes]@youvegottenminuteslynn

I doubt he even remembers strangling her, this is not a coherant reasonable person this will be a damaged idividual who has serious mental health issues.

One wrong move from her and there could be serious repercusions.

If you want to leave him, you must admit you need help op. I should imagine your mother would be frightened to help you, could you phone Women's Aid and explain. They maybe better served to help you terminate the relationship safely.[/quote]
I agree with this. He's dangerous and OP needs support from some outside sources to leave so it's as safe as possible a process.

Stath · 06/09/2021 00:11

Jesus fucking Christ.

I started off having sympathy but now I’m saddened and shocked by what an horrific ‘mother’ you are to your poor boy.

You’ve chosen an evil, women battering, dangerous to children twat over your little innocent son.

Every week there’s a news headline about a woman who’s put an arsehole man over their own children. And these tragic stories end up with abused, dead children and murdered women.

I’m scared that you’ll be one of these.

me4real · 06/09/2021 00:12

doubt he even remembers strangling her

Violent men usually remember their violence, though they might pretend not to.

His violence isn't due to MH issues-- usually their violence is due to a desire to control their victim.

They often use MH issues as a way of excusing their violence, claiming they'll get help for their mental health and stop being violent.

The victim gives them another chance and then the cycle of abuse starts again.

thenewduchessofhastings · 06/09/2021 00:30

Jeez the OP reminds of my cousin (whom I sensibly keep my distance from).

She gave her DD up for a violent alcoholic drug abusing jobless piece of shit who has previous convictions for assaulting ex girlfriends.

She put herself before her DD's welfare and continues to do so.After the neighbours called the police after seeing him hit her in the garden the police contacted SS.

SS told her she wasn't allowed to have him around her DD;so she handed over her DD to her DD's dad.She literally dropped off her for her weekend visit to her dads and never came back for her and ghosted her DD's dad.

She then got herself pregnant by said piece of shit.SS told her he couldn't live there with her and the baby.So she lied and said he no longer lives there/doesn't have access to the baby.He does still live there but she's just not been caught by SS yet.

Her stance on their relationship "well he doesn't hit me as hard as my ex did".

It's only a matter of time before SS catches her out and ive no doubt she'd rather give up their daughter than give up her relationship with him.

There's talking any sense into her by any of the family unfortunately.

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