Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

[Owlberry]

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

@Millymog
No, it doesn’t mean I love children. But me telling yo I do does!

[quote Owlberry]@beastlyslumber
I think there’s enough people in the world already. I don’t see having my “own” children as being essential. Not every woman has the desire to create offspring.[/quote]
That's true. But those who do want children want their own children - it's a maternal instinct. It's biological. If you don't have it, that's fine. But if you do, being a stepmum to someone else's kids is not going to be a good outcome for you.

If you don't want kids in your life, this man is not for you. If you do want kids in your life, find a bloke who would be willing to adopt or foster with you. Your current bloke's kids already have a mum. And at least one of their parents is an abusive person. You need to think how this plays out long term.

"No, it doesn’t mean I love children. But me telling yo I do does!"

by which I assume means "No, it doesn’t mean I love children. But me telling you I do does!

OK- over and out. No more to say.

I think you're just intent on believing dp is perfect and ex-wife is crazy insane. Only time will tell. Youth is wasted on the young thats for sure, he wouldn't have seen my arse for dust just due to age-gap and baggage.

@beastlyslumber
Not every single woman in the world who want children, want their own children or are even capable of having their own. There are a plethora of reasons why that might be the case. In my own, since everyone needs to know apparently is that I have condition which means it’s very unlikely that I will ever be able to have children. I’ve had to come to terms with that and have made my peace. Children don’t have to be your own for you to be capable of loving them.

@pommepommefrites

I think you're just intent on believing dp is perfect and ex-wife is crazy insane. Only time will tell. Youth is wasted on the young thats for sure, he wouldn't have seen my arse for dust just due to age-gap and baggage.

Where did I say any of that?

Ultimately it's your own people skills that will protect you. Need to trust your own instincts.

My mother struggled to get over her divorce from my dad. Her bitterness poisoned every other relationship she had for years. So I'd be most wary of this:
She’s constantly posting about their relationship

For certain, at least one of them is a difficult character. You just don't know which one(s) yet, and if the difficulties are chronic.

If only her, then you'll still need to tread carefully. Hopefully things will work out well and he will be a great partner for you, regardless of their shared history.

It could be either or. If I were you, I'd take what she said on board and just keep your eyes peeled for warning signs.

Theyre often compulsive liars, and love painting the ex in their image. So listen to what he says about her and see if you can pick up if he is really describing himself.

Not so easy to see during love bombing stages though.

Narcissists are expert at projection and tend to accuse others of what they themselves so it could just be her creating trouble. It wouldn't hurt though to proceed with caution. Manipulators always start out as perfect partners. Try criticizing your partner for something and see how badly he takes it. Their Achilles heel is their self image so if you suggest he's anything less than perfect he's likely to take it badly and react in a more extreme way my than normal.

Here here op! I dont want to have my own kids but if I meet a good man and he has them, I'll happily welcome them into my life and provided they are also good people like their dad, I'll surely grow to love them too.

There are a million and one ways to make a family.
But we have to love ourselves first and foremost and be sure that the people we choose to keep in our lives are emotionally healthy and want only good things for other people.

Definitely be on your guard.

[quote Owlberry]@beastlyslumber
Not every single woman in the world who want children, want their own children or are even capable of having their own. There are a plethora of reasons why that might be the case. In my own, since everyone needs to know apparently is that I have condition which means it’s very unlikely that I will ever be able to have children. I’ve had to come to terms with that and have made my peace. Children don’t have to be your own for you to be capable of loving them.[/quote]
Yes. You don't seem to have actually read my comment. I didn't ask you for an explanation. I suggested that being a stepmum to this man's kids is a very bad idea, and suggested healthier ways to have kids in your life if you want that.

I think maybe you're deflecting from the actual topic because you are still in thrall to this man. I do wish you luck, OP.

Proceed with a lot of caution.

My x was a narcissist and I did feel the need to tell people that in the first few years after I left him, I felt like I needed to justify why I'd left, so that people would ''forgive'' me. But now, with distance and having healed a bit I wouldn't label him a narcissist to a new bf. So I think emotions are all still really heightened, and it's too recent to think ''what did I learn there''.

My x was a narc, but I would tell people now that my self-esteem was not great when I got together with him. I'd take responsibility for the disaster that followed by identifying that my low self-esteem attracted the dynamic.

So. Eyes Open. Move very slowly. Unless you're running away!

I did read your comment and your previous comments and me concisely explaining that I’m sure I don’t want my own children wasn’t enough for everyone to drop it hence why I went into detail.

I’m not deflecting - other people have brought up the kids issue and I’m simply responding.

I don't know why you're being put up in the dock here for not wanting children!?

@PearlyBird

I don't know why you're being put up in the dock here for not wanting children!?

Not sure either, I get enough of it irl haha

@Owlberry

I did read your comment and your previous comments and me concisely explaining that I’m sure I don’t want my own children wasn’t enough for everyone to drop it hence why I went into detail.

I’m not deflecting - other people have brought up the kids issue and I’m simply responding.

Oh I see. I wasn't trying to suggest you're not sure about wanting your own kids and do apologise if it came across that way. I understood you don't want to be pregnant/give birth but I think I thought you did want to have kids of your own, e.g. through adoption. Sorry if I got that wrong.

It seems to me that the kids issue is a major complicating factor here, because this bloke does have kids and he's already talking about you meeting them. If you do want kids in your life then it's going to make it much harder to walk away when you're being lined up as stepmum.

My ex's ex tried to warn me. I was young and naive. He said she was jealous, unstable etc. I should have listened to her.

@peachgreen

I briefly dated a guy like this and immediately bailed. He set my spidey-senses tingling with his talk of his narc ex etc etc. I was right - it later emerged that he was under investigation for domestic abuse. I would be very careful.

This

@forumdonkey

So many times I have seen posts from women wanting to genuinely warn their abusive exs new partner. With this in mind, I would proceed with caution and look out for red flags and be prepared to leave if something isn't right.

I’ve known many women I wish I could’ve warned. Will definitely proceed with caution!

@Millymog
Lol okay mums net police

If you started a thread on here something like 'My ex was abusive, should I warn his new girlfriend?'
you would be told that you would only look like a jealous or crazy ex.
Yet if you asked 'Do you wish someone had warned you your new DP has a record of being abusive?' the replies would be different.