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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
legoriakelne · 28/08/2021 17:42

@SkinnyEx

If you started a thread on here something like 'My ex was abusive, should I warn his new girlfriend?' you would be told that you would only look like a jealous or crazy ex. Yet if you asked 'Do you wish someone had warned you your new DP has a record of being abusive?' the replies would be different.
Hmm, and people who were warned but dismissed it as the "crazy" ex will say they wished they had listened.

Reality meets fantasy.

SkinnyEx · 28/08/2021 17:51

These men are charming, and if you are warned it will be in the 'honeymoon; period when everything is rosy. He'll probably be lovebombing you.

You will ask a friend of his and they'll say 'He'd never do anything like that'.

Then one day, you will disagree with him and his mask will slip.

The 'narc XW' (his description) is a red flag.
She is either warning you because he really is dreadful or because she's crazy. Another red flag.

Northernparent68 · 28/08/2021 20:33

@Journeyofthedragons

Why should OP walk away from a good relationship solely on the basis of a message from a (possibly bitter) ex?

Because We👏Believe👏Women👏

So women never lie ?
Greatdomestic · 28/08/2021 21:12

The ex wife of an old boyfriend of my friends warned my friend about him. Ex wife said everyone thought she was a bitch but my friend would find out what he was like.

In this case, my friend said ex wife was right, should have listened. He never seemed to have trouble finding new partners though.

Shamsa03 · 28/08/2021 21:30

My ex was narcissistic and he's had woman after woman (yes I keep a eye on him to make sure he's not coming back to me) and I felt like warning them but they probably wouldn't listen (like you) and that would free him up to try and get back with me.
She probably still posts about it years after because she's still traumatised like me just because they are gone and your glad doesn't mean your over it.
It takes a long time to come to terms with being abused, it's slow and soul destroying as you will find out. I have changed forever. Good luck

mathanxiety · 29/08/2021 06:22

Yes, I work with children and love children. Just not keen on having my own for personal reasons

Some single guys buy a puppy to reel in a catch.

Yours is just using whatever is handy, with the advantage that they're house trained, and with the calculation that you are ready and willing to perform motherly duties toward them and not introduce the complication of a baby of your own.

I infer that he is keen to have you meet them, that he will push again in a few months (a Christmas photo op perhaps?) and that is a red flag to me along with the tagging on SM.

He seems keen to play happy families, disregarding the best interests of the children, who are young and probably still upset about the turn their family life has taken.

Are you and the children props in his life? Are you blank screens on which he will project an image of himself as a great dad and a man who is able to snag a hot young thing?

I have daughters in their 20s and one who just turned 30. If any of them announced they were seriously considering a man in the situation your BF is in, with children, a high conflict relationship under his belt, and almost 20 years older, I would be extremely worried. Do you have a parent who is looking out for you, seeing all of this with experienced eyes?

Roblox01 · 29/08/2021 13:08

OP, I've only read your messages in this thread to try and make sure my view isn't distorted.

Honestly, she's massively jealous. She left him and let's be honest he's hit the jackpot with you (sorry to speak in such terms but I'm sure you know what I mean). Judge him by his actions and see how it goes, as you say be cautious.

Some women hate to see ex partners move on even if they ended the relationship and have moved on themselves. I know as I've witnessed first hand.

No idea if this will work long term for you but if you aren't planning on having kids yourself there is no harm in seeing how it goes for a year or two.

Original poster
Owlberry · 29/08/2021 13:53

@mathanxiety
Yes I agree that meeting the kids this early would be a huge red flag. It was more of a general chit chat about being open to it though. I wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t open to meeting my kids in the future either.

Yes I have parents haha. They don’t really interfere in my relationships though.

OP posts:
pommepommefrites · 29/08/2021 14:14

@Roblox01

OP, I've only read your messages in this thread to try and make sure my view isn't distorted.

Honestly, she's massively jealous. She left him and let's be honest he's hit the jackpot with you (sorry to speak in such terms but I'm sure you know what I mean). Judge him by his actions and see how it goes, as you say be cautious.

Some women hate to see ex partners move on even if they ended the relationship and have moved on themselves. I know as I've witnessed first hand.

No idea if this will work long term for you but if you aren't planning on having kids yourself there is no harm in seeing how it goes for a year or two.

Now, now, just because she's younger doesn't mean she's better, she could be a fucking monstrosity.
Original poster
Owlberry · 29/08/2021 14:34

@pommepommefrites
That’s nice. Thankfully I’m secure enough in myself to know that I’m not.

OP posts:
Roblox01 · 29/08/2021 14:44

Wow. When the claws come out....

AliensEverywhere · 29/08/2021 15:30

[quote Owlberry]@mathanxiety
Yes I agree that meeting the kids this early would be a huge red flag. It was more of a general chit chat about being open to it though. I wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t open to meeting my kids in the future either.

Yes I have parents haha. They don’t really interfere in my relationships though.[/quote]
About meeting the children.

You said no because you weren't ready yet so he said he'd bring it up in a few months time.

If you hadn't said no you'd have been whisked off to meet those children asap so yes there was a red flag, he's being pushy about meeting the children.

OP I don't mean this in a confrontational way but you seem to want to minimise these things in your head. I totally get it but I worry it's a youth thing because I did similar when I was your age.

You don't seem to be answering a lot of the questions that have been asked in the thread and again I get it to a point, but it leaves me feeling that this thread is a little pointless. I don't know I just get the feeling you are sitting at home shrugging your shoulders at all the "old biddies" and plan on forging ahead anyway.

That's totally fine coz it's your life but it would be worth your while I think to keep in mind the warnings here because I think you are ignoring the warning signs in your relationship.

beastlyslumber · 29/08/2021 16:16

You don't seem to be answering a lot of the questions that have been asked in the thread and again I get it to a point, but it leaves me feeling that this thread is a little pointless. I don't know I just get the feeling you are sitting at home shrugging your shoulders at all the "old biddies" and plan on forging ahead anyway.

This is the feeling I get too.

MN will still be here for you if this all goes tits up, OP.

Fireflygal · 29/08/2021 16:27

@roblox01,
Wow. When the claws come out...

What are you referring to?

I think your comment he's hit the jackpot with you is naive unless you know the Op and his ex? Do you mean because she is younger, he has hit the jackpot?

mathanxiety · 29/08/2021 16:53

If you hadn't said no you'd have been whisked off to meet those children asap so yes there was a red flag, he's being pushy about meeting the children.

Yes, @AliensEverywhere, this ^^ is what I am concerned about.

I fear this man is using you and his own children as props, embellishments to his life, a way to reflect back his own self image at himself, maybe even as pawns in an ongoing running battle with his ex-wife.

You're an adult and can make your own decisions. You are the only one who suffers if your decisions turn out to be the wrong ones. Hopefully you won't suffer and you won't invest your best years in someone who turns out to be toxic. But the children don't have choices here, and it bothers me greatly that this man is prepared to include them in the relationship so early.
He is in a hurry. Why?
He is not thinking about the impact on the children of the new side of him he thinks the children should see - loved up dad being affectionate with someone who is not their mother. What does this say about him?

I have a daughter who at age 7 went to the zoo with her father one Saturday afternoon a few months after he left the family home. When she returned, the only thing she told me about the zoo was that 'daddy's friend' had come along too. She said nothing about the animals, and she loved animals back when she was 7, and wanted to be a vet when she grew up.

Get in touch with the ex-wife. Ask her to have a long coffee/lunch, whatever is convenient. Ask her about her former husband and the course of their relationship. How did it start? How did it fall apart? What was he like through the divorce process? Ask her what she is comfortable with when it comes to you meeting her children.

@Owlberry, I'm concerned that you might consider advice from parents about your relationship to be 'interference'. What sort of relationship do you have with your parents?

hennybeans · 29/08/2021 16:56

At 25 the dating world is your oyster. Why saddle yourself with a man who is quite a bit older, with young DC, and an ex wife who might be nuts or might be completely reasonable and recovering from a marriage with a difficult man?

I would err on the side of believing the ex wife, personally. I would also spend a few hours reading threads on the step-parent board to decide is that's really what I want to choose for myself.

mathanxiety · 29/08/2021 16:57

...an ex wife who might be nuts or might be completely reasonable and recovering from a marriage with a difficult man?

Yes, it is one or the other here, and neither one is great tbh.

HairyMaryMyCanary · 29/08/2021 17:35

[quote Owlberry]@HairyMaryMyCanary
I’m glad you know I’m full of myself from one post :) that’s some crazy intuition.[/quote]
I was right, though, wasn't I? You don't want to listen to anyone else.
I'm beginning to think this is one of those 'weekender' threads, to keep us occupied in a quiet time.

Shamsa03 · 29/08/2021 19:53

I'm another one that doesn't get the thread.
Fishing for compliments.... Maybe
Thinking she's the cat who got the cream... I reckon so.
Taking any advice given.... No
I really just don't get the point of this at all.

Think she was looking for clarification that the ex is unhinged and jealous

Your life OP. Sounds like you're going to need all the luck in the world.

His Next girlfriend you will be the narcissist

Original poster
Owlberry · 29/08/2021 23:58

I’ve literally said I’ll proceed with caution, not said a single bad thing about the ex wife as I don’t know her personally and can’t make my own judgements. What else do you want from me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 00:02

@HairyMaryMyCanary
No, you weren’t. Just because I’m not responding to the hundreds of comments doesn’t mean I’m not taking the relevant things on board.

OP posts:
ImInStealthMode · 30/08/2021 00:04

I would be wary. I sent a message to my Ex-husbands next girlfriend but only after I'd heard on the grapevine that they'd split up and why. I just told her that it (emotional abuse) started the same way for me too but then escalated, and it wasn't her fault but that she was better off out of it before it got worse.

Obviously they got back together a few weeks later and obviously his behaviour eventually escalated towards her too Confused

Roblox01 · 30/08/2021 06:50

[quote Fireflygal]@roblox01,
Wow. When the claws come out...

What are you referring to?

I think your comment he's hit the jackpot with you is naive unless you know the Op and his ex? Do you mean because she is younger, he has hit the jackpot?[/quote]
I was referring to the monstrosity comment.

Reading the OPs comments it appears the ex left him, changed her mind but he said no. He's now found a new partner and is getting on with life. The ex is on SM 2 years post separation slagging him off and then messages his new partner to 'warn her'. I don't think the problem is with him.

thecatsarecrazy · 30/08/2021 07:20

Just be careful. I fell for the charms of a narcissist. Made out he was a lovely guy, talking about kisses, and cuddles and he would never break my heart. Said he didn't get to see his son for 3 years, his ex wife's new husband kept them apart and it broke his heart....
Soon after telling me he loved me he became jelous, possessive controling. His parents had his boy down for the weekend. They asked him if he was taking him home then? He refused. Said I've been working,I need me time. I didn't ask you to invite him down.. wouldn't make time for his 9 year old son! And fell out with his parents. The more I learn the more he disgusts me.

HairyMaryMyCanary · 30/08/2021 07:38

[quote Owlberry]@HairyMaryMyCanary
No, you weren’t. Just because I’m not responding to the hundreds of comments doesn’t mean I’m not taking the relevant things on board.[/quote]
Yes I was.
But I can see how you might think otherwise. Perhaps give it some thought.