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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:

jimmyjammy001 · 27/08/2021 21:07

@SpacePotato

So he's 15-20 years older than you with baggage.

Honestly? I wouldn't bother with the grief at your age.

Couldn't of put it better myself!

Ticksallboxes · 27/08/2021 23:08

I'm going to disagree with PPs.

If she's still posting negative things on social media about their breakup two years later she sounds unhinged!

I would definitely give him a second chance but you need to talk to him about it.

The only person I know on social media who's done this (and I have a lot of 'friends') is a guy whose wife left him because he was caught being unfaithful - he still can't accept responsibility for what he did.

HollowTalk · 27/08/2021 23:13

If I were you I would end it now.

He's so much older than you and he already has a family. You are 25 and you and he are at completely different points in your lives. Why not look for someone more your own age, where you can do those firsts together?

HollowTalk · 27/08/2021 23:13

I wouldn't tell him that she has been in touch. You just don't know what he might do to her.

upupandawaytoday · 27/08/2021 23:22

@ProudAlly

Why hasn't he blocked her on social media? Why is he continuing to engage with her by letting her see his photos and letting her see you comment on them? That's a huge red flag to me after an acrimonious break up. There's unfinished business and if I were you I'd keep well away from the pair of them

I agree.

LaudamusTe · 27/08/2021 23:29

the ex sounds like she has histrionic personality disorder. She may or may not be a narc. He is way too old for you and has too much baggage. You can do a lot better. Run for the hills.

Original poster

Owlberry · 28/08/2021 06:08

@HollowTalk

If I were you I would end it now.

As I said I’m not fussed about firsts. But I agree about us being at different points and all the comments about the baggage thing are totally fair. Lots to think about!

OP posts:

Mischiefofmice · 28/08/2021 06:33

I wish my covert narcissist partners ex wife had warned me before I entered a 5 year relationship with him… but then when I did finally contact her as she said very kindly ‘ I wanted to but I know you wouldn’t have listened, because he had captivated you and I know he was painting me as unstable and him as a victim’.
The sad truth was she is a very nice woman and he was a very unpleasant man. (He even accused me of being a narcissistic, classic projection, he only knew the term because his ex had done her research on his traits ) The script and behaviour was identical.
I’ve kicked him out now, I suspect he got with a new victim very quickly, will I warn her? No, for the same reasons.
Please be very careful. These men are very loving and convincing for the first year till the mask slips. He was late fifties, a ‘family man’, well liked, attractive and a complete tick all the boxes narcissist .
Be very wary please.

Clymene · 28/08/2021 07:10

He's early 40s and he's 'tagging you in date ideas' on Facebook? That's not how normal 40 year old men behave. He is making a Point to his ex/showing off that he's got a young woman on his arm to his friends. Either way, it's gross and nothing to do with you as a person.

And if you don't want children, don't get together with a man who has two young kids.

Whybot · 28/08/2021 07:13

Clare’s law sounds good

Dozer · 28/08/2021 07:15

You have far better dating options that your BF!

Original poster

Owlberry · 28/08/2021 07:30

@Clymene
I said biologically :)

OP posts:

Clymene · 28/08/2021 07:35

You don't want your own children but will happily spend hours looking after someone else's? Crack on then.

DeadButDelicious · 28/08/2021 07:54

There is a significant age gap, a bitter divorce and two young children involved in this.

He's already laying down the 'crazy ex' narrative and she's sending you messages warning you off.

Sounds like a whole heap of baggage and drama that I would want to
be far, far away from.

Original poster

Owlberry · 28/08/2021 07:57

@Clymene
Yes, I work with children and love children. Just not keen on having my own for personal reasons :)

OP posts:

felulageller · 28/08/2021 08:02

The really bad stuff never comes out until it's too late. At this stage you've got to make a decision based on the red flags. He has plenty. There is nothing to market this relationship as good for you. You can do so much better. Please don't waste even another day on him.
Read the step parenting boards on here- you want that as a life?
Their DC's are so young they'll be doing contact for another 10 years+. That's the life you want? If it is at 25 you need therapy. He isn't your problem to fix.

CutePanda · 28/08/2021 09:24

This is way too much baggage. I’m in my mid-20s too. No way would I date a man in his 40s, with DC, a bitter divorce and an ex wife who is warning me about him. There are so many red flags here. Sounds like you have “daddy issues.”

Original poster

Owlberry · 28/08/2021 09:34

@CutePanda
Thank you for the unsolicited and unsubstantiated diagnosis :)

OP posts:

beastlyslumber · 28/08/2021 09:48

The more you post, the worse this sounds @Owlberry. You need to take a big step back. It's worrying that he's thinking of introducing his kids to you already. It's strange that with such an acrimonious break up with young kids involved, he and you are both sharing personal details on public social media. If he is such a great guy, he should be putting his kids' welfare first, but instead he is using them to draw you in and fast-forward the relationship.

The fact that you have been in an abusive situation before, and your conflicted attitude towards children, suggests to me you are not ready to be in a relationship with someone who has kids. You don't seem to have a clear idea of anyone's appropriate boundaries.

Even if it's not what it seems, and it really is his ex who's the abusive narc, then as other pp have pointed out, you have every reason to run a mile from this relationship. You're young and could meet someone lovely who you want to have kids with (adopted, fostered, or your own) or at least make the decision together to not have kids. Don't hitch yourself to this particular wagon, especially now the wheels are coming off it!

Svenalma · 28/08/2021 10:33

Years ago I contacted the girlfriend of my ex and said be careful. It wasn't an in depth message. Anyway it wasn't well received and she ripped me to shreds.
About 3 months later so contacted me to apologise and say everything I had warned her about had come true.

I contacted her because I wanted to warn her.
I've never done that with any other girl because it wasn't necessary

Millymog · 28/08/2021 11:07

OP for fear of repeating myself from a previous post I made, what is it that you find attractive about this man? I am genuinely curious (being on the other side of the table).
I feel so far removed from the equivalence in my personal history that I am really happy to hear you say something like "his wife was a bitch to him" "his wife is really ugly" "his wife let herself go" "his wife prioritised the children over him"

I almost want to believe that for a younger woman like yourself, meeting an older man like this really is the fairy tale come true.

When I was about 25 I worked with an extremely wealthy older man - he was about 14 years older than me. We shared an office. He sexually abused me - i.e. he engineered commercial meetings and long commutes which allowed overnight stays where there was no lock on the door and no way to get away from his hand on my knee in the car. This is not a #metoo post. I am only saying this because yes, he gave me this f**koff enormous engagement ring and said if i married him i could give up work tomorrow yadda yadda.
I am really glad I did not marry him. He showed all the signs.

Yes I have not covered myself in glory since then but the power inbalance was staring me in the face that even I (who am so inclined to relationships with a narc) could see it. Do not waste any more days of your life.

Millymog · 28/08/2021 11:11

"Yes, I work with children and love children. Just not keen on having my own for personal reasons"

If you are so sure then great. Children are a lifelong commitment do not do it if you know you do not want them.

However ask yourself this question - "Is the fact that I do not want children one of the reasons my boyfriend likes me?"

beastlyslumber · 28/08/2021 11:18

Not wanting children and not wanting your own biological children are two different things. This really makes me wonder. There are reasons why a woman who wants children would choose not to have her own children, e.g. a genetic illness. But if you don't want your own biological children, the thought of taking on someone else's children ought to be massively overwhelming. Not something you'd do without a great deal of thought and consideration. OP says she doesn't want kids, but she does want kids, but just not her own kids. She sounds super casual about it all, but it's obviously not a casual situation. It sounds really confusing and I wonder if the boyfriend sees that and sees it as a vulnerability to exploit.

Millymog · 28/08/2021 11:21

"I said biologically"

maternal instinct does not differentiate between biological and (for example) adopted - and I would say the same goes with step children.

There is a massive difference between "working with children" in a professional capacity and parenting children (i.e being a biological or indeed a step parent).

If you work professionally with children that does not mean you "love children".

But going back to my previous point (if you are genuine) I suspect your "not wanting children" is something he likes about you for his own reasons.

Original poster

Owlberry · 28/08/2021 11:29

@beastlyslumber
I think there’s enough people in the world already. I don’t see having my “own” children as being essential. Not every woman has the desire to create offspring.

OP posts:

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