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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriends ex wife is warning me…

302 replies

Owlberry · 27/08/2021 14:45

My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other since March. He’s kind, lovely, we have great chemistry. The perfect package so far… He’s been separated from his ex wife for a couple years now. Their marriage sounds like it was pretty awful towards the end. He’s said how it was slightly abusive (mentally) and that he thinks she could be a narcissist. He’s also said that she thinks he’s the narcissist!

His ex wife has just sent me a message warning me that he’s incredibly manipulative and I should be careful. I’ve never met or spoken to her before this. That she’s just looking out for me because I’m young (I’m mid 20’s, they’re 30’s/early 40’s). He hasn’t shown any signs of narcissism that I know of so far but I’m aware they’re good at hiding it at first.

Based on her social media she doesn’t seem to be over him yet which fair enough, they were married for a decade. She’s constantly posting about their relationship issues even now, a couple years after they’ve separated.

Could this just be a hurting ex trying to get back at him? Should I listen to her advice? Not sure if I should even bring it up with him.

OP posts:
Whydidimarryhim · 30/08/2021 07:48

Hi owlberry - you have your head screwed on -
if he was that bad why did she want him back?
Only time will tell - but watch for the red flags.
You don’t want children but you seem prepared to become involved with someone who has them?
Your very sensible in not meeting them yet.
Best wishes

Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 08:54

@HairyMaryMyCanary
As I said, you were not. Just because you’re condescending doesn’t make you right. You don’t know someone from one post. Have a blessed day babe x

OP posts:
windthatbobbin · 30/08/2021 11:59

I'm amazed by many of the comments on this thread. Owlberry, you come across as very grounded in yourself. Trust your own instincts (it's clear you do!)

Nanny0gg · 30/08/2021 14:11

[quote Owlberry]@Sidehustle99
Respectfully, I disagree. Post break ups I don’t check my exes social media posts because I know it will upset me. I don’t think you should have to tailor your social media posts to make your exes feel better. If they want to check then that’s on them[/quote]
I wouldn't be friends with an ex probably, so they wouldn't see my SM

Clymene · 30/08/2021 14:21

[quote Owlberry]@HairyMaryMyCanary
As I said, you were not. Just because you’re condescending doesn’t make you right. You don’t know someone from one post. Have a blessed day babe x[/quote]
Oh. I see. It is one of those threads.

Crack on then. Babe.

Chellbrow79 · 30/08/2021 14:35

I can comment from an exs wife's view. My ex cheated with the woman he is now with still 3 years on. I told her the truth that we were very much together when they met. She believed his version of events and even called the police on me for me merely trying to tell the truth. What you've written there are red flags, in my view. Anyone calling someone a narcissist is very often the narcisst. Narcissist are very good at twisting versions of events. I even went to my gp literally the week me and my ex split up, my sister came with me and the doctors note was dated, and my exs other woman had even seen the doctors note and still believes I'm a psycho. I was telling the truth he wasn't. I've let it all go now as she'll lean the heard why when he repeats his cheating cycle

Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 14:58

@mathanxiety
“I fear this man is using you and his own children as props, embellishments to his life, a way to reflect back his own self image at himself, maybe even as pawns in an ongoing running battle with his ex-wife.”

This is a lot of assumptions based off a conversation that you weren’t apart of. As I’ve stated multiple times he asked me if that was something I was open to doing in the future. There is absolutely no point in seriously dating someone who will never want to meet your children. He was not being pushy about meeting them. People are assuming things and completely taking this out of context.

I have since asked her to share a bit more information which lead to her blocking me.

My relationship with both of them is good (Not my step mum though). They’re there to listen and guide in a non judgemental way but ultimately know that I’m an adult and therefore responsible for my own actions and consequences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 14:59

@Clymene
Thanks hun, I will x

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 30/08/2021 15:02

People are making assumptions because you are sparing with information. It's understandable that you don't want to be outing.

Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 15:10

@WhoIsPepeSilva
What other information do you want?

OP posts:
choli · 30/08/2021 15:19

Also in this day and age who doesn't have their social media set to private? Honestly do adjust your settings at least OP, it's basic internet safety.
This. Both in their 30s/40s with public social media? And she posts about her relationship issues in public? It's all rather immature.

Back away from the drama llamas, you can save yourself a lot of pain and hassle.

Whinge · 30/08/2021 15:20

I have since asked her to share a bit more information which lead to her blocking me.

What did you ask? It seems odd that discussing an issue she raised would lead to her blocking you.

Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 15:33

@Whinge
Verbatim:
I’m sorry to hear that, thanks for reaching out. Could you please elaborate?

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 30/08/2021 15:43

Maybe it's part unanswered questions and part lack of reply to some of PP good responses, I'm not sure, anyway. Ok sorry if I repeat things you've already answered but a few things that pop to mind:

How did you meet and did he pursue you? What drew you to this person in particular?

You say he's said he wasn't perfect but he's given you at least some detail of what her faults were. Don't you find this a little odd? Someone has suggested talking to him for a bit more detail and seeing what the response is, what do you feel about that, worthwhile or not?

Can we have a little more info on how the conversation about the kids went? How do you feel about the conversation being on the horizon again in the next few months? When would you feel it's appropriate/it's time to meet the kids? Are all the PPs giving you any misgivings or cause to think when they say some men use their children to draw in and keep a partner? Is it something you've ever come across yourself?
How are the kids? Adjusting well to the divorce etc, do you know much about them or has he not told you much yet? What are they like, difficult, happy go lucky etc.

What do you see as an ideal relationship for yourself, what do you want? How does that compare for you to this relationship? What does he see happening in his future regarding relationships, does he want to marry again, live apart till the kids move out etc etc.

How do you think you will feel about the relationship when you are in your 50s and he is in his 70s? Do you know anyone well enough that is in an age gap relationship and are at those ages that you could speak to? - In particular the younger of the couple to get their perspective of being relatively young and life with someone who is a lot older. From what I understand that is where things start to get really hard and I wonder if that aspect of the relationship is something you have ever considered?

Gosh total stream of thoughts that have popped into my head, it's not exhaustive but I'll stop before anyone's face melts Grin
Don't feel you have to answer any of them, that was a lot!

Some of that waffle ^ was big picture stuff but if it were me, they would be things I'd be considering carefully before I pursued a relationship of this type.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 30/08/2021 15:45

Sorry also, given the weirdness of her suddenly blocking you, how do you feel about the increasing likely hood the exW is going to be an ongoing problem?

Whinge · 30/08/2021 15:54

[quote Owlberry]@Whinge
Verbatim:
I’m sorry to hear that, thanks for reaching out. Could you please elaborate?[/quote]
Confused If she took the time to contact you and wanted to warn you about his behaviour, then it seems odd that she would suddenly block you when you ask for information.

HairyMaryMyCanary · 30/08/2021 16:21

[quote Owlberry]@HairyMaryMyCanary
As I said, you were not. Just because you’re condescending doesn’t make you right. You don’t know someone from one post. Have a blessed day babe x[/quote]
Oh dear. Do try harder. You'll get there.

choli · 30/08/2021 16:45

If she took the time to contact you and wanted to warn you about his behaviour, then it seems odd that she would suddenly block you when you ask for information.
Perhaps she sent the message after a few glasses of wine and regretted it afterward.

By the way I would be very unhappy at my boyfriend posting pictures of me to a public Facebook page. I'd ask him to stop doing that, or to set the page to private.

Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 16:57

@WhoIsPepeSilva

We met at a mutual friends birthday party. She introduced us as she thought we would get along well (both artists outside of our normal day jobs). Initially, obviously I thought he was attractive. Since getting to know him he’s been nothing but kind, fun, interesting and understanding (even at times when I haven’t been).

Yes actually, I did find it odd. It was very vague stuff like working too much but I’m sure there’s more. Someone else did ask and I said I would ask him how he contributed to the end of the relationship/ what his faults were (been busy, won’t see him until Wednesday)

Basically I sat him down and asked where he saw this relationship going. This eventually lead to him bringing up the kids and saying that it’s important that he’s dating someone that is willing to get to know his children (not immediately contrary to popular belief). I said I would be open but let’s keep getting to know each other first.
I’m not stressed about the conversation coming up again, I know we will talk it out and there will be no pressure.

I think an appropriate time to meet them would probably be when everyone involved is ready. I would never want to make their mum uncomfortable by coming in to their lives before she’s ready. My dad introduced my stepmum to me 2 months after meeting her. I know how much that hurt my mum and I wouldn’t put someone else through that. I also wasn’t ready to meet her either and wasn’t asked what I wanted/how I felt about that situation and that lead to me not liking her right off the bat.
I don’t know a lot about them to be honest. He will sometimes share funny things that they’ve said or done but I don’t know much beyond that.

This is getting a bit long so try to keep the rest short haha.
Ideal relationship: supportive, fun, respectful etc all the basic stuff.
Yes to getting married (although I’m not fussed about marriage)
Haven’t talked about living situation yet

The age gap when we’re older is something I think about often. I have an uncle with a similar age gap (17) years. He’s 50 and she’s 67. They’re in a beautiful loving relationship despite the age difference but I know that won’t be the case for everyone. I think this is my biggest concern and I haven’t worked out how to feel about it yet.

I think it’s hard to tell. One of my good friends is currently going through a divorce and she tells me about all the unreasonable things she does just to hurt her ex or get a rise but I know she’s doing it out of hurt. Could be the case here and she just needs time to heal so I can’t judge her off this one interaction. Who knows.

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 17:00

@HairyMaryMyCanary
Thank you. Your detailed and not at all patronizing input has been extremely helpful. Love and light to you babes x

OP posts:
Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 17:06

@choli
“ By the way I would be very unhappy at my boyfriend posting pictures of me to a public Facebook page. I'd ask him to stop doing that, or to set the page to private.”

That’s fair, it doesn’t bother me though. I don’t take social media that seriously.

OP posts:
WhoIsPepeSilva · 30/08/2021 17:06

Thanks Owlberry, see from ^ it all sounds pretty reasonable - not that my opinion is worth toffee Grin I guess I'm just left with concerns because of experience of older man/younger partner dynamics, the age gap being a problem in later life, the general complicatedness of the relationship between him and his ex.

Keep your eyes open just in case but I really hope it works out for you.

WhoIsPepeSilva · 30/08/2021 17:10

FWIW it's not that I doubt loving age gap relationships can exist (I know an AG couple and they are very much in love and very good together!), I meant more from a perspective of one partner being relatively healthy and active while the other is less active and in sometimes serious health decline.

Original poster
Owlberry · 30/08/2021 17:28

Yes I agree, it’s a lot!
Thank you :)

Oh yes I get what you meant. I am a little concerned about that for sure.

OP posts:
Maassi · 30/08/2021 17:37

I was 22 when I got married the first time to a man in his late 30s.

It didn't work out for various reasons but we have DC in their 20s now. Whilst I am still young and in good health, their Dad is not. I know my DC find it incredibly hard dealing with and becoming carers to an old parent with various health conditions and often ask mum why did you marry someone so much older than you?