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Original poster

Are (seemingly a lot of but not all) men really put off by intelligent women?

156 replies

bathsh3ba · 26/08/2021 20:46

Is this a thing?

Generally speaking I think I probably would get on best dating someone of a similar level of education/intelligence. I'm just finishing a PhD; I don't think of myself as especially clever but I am intelligent and I am well-educated.

I don't want to limit my options when dating too far so I'm open to people who haven't gone to university or who don't value education in the same way, if I think we share other values that are important.

However, increasingly I am finding that as soon as a guy finds out I'm doing a PhD I get raised eyebrows, a 'wow, you must be clever', then some self-deprecating comment and they lose interest.

I always thought the idea of men being threatened by intelligence was just a myth. Obviously I need a man who isn't ... but is being threatened by intelligence actually a thing?

OP posts:
KatDubs261 · 26/08/2021 20:50

I'm with you OP. I find dating hard for this reason, not just from the perspective of the way the men perceive me but because I find it hard to meet men I really connect with and feel equal to.

Shirleyphallus · 26/08/2021 20:52

I don’t think so, I move in pretty well educated circles / people I know are very bright

I do find that some people who are highly educated and clever wang on about it though and find that really puts people off

wizzywig · 26/08/2021 20:54

Yes. When I was on the arranged marriage treadmill, I omitted my masters degrees as it would put men off

Dizzywizz · 26/08/2021 20:57

My Dh said he would be (so I am now insulted!)

SisterAgatha · 26/08/2021 20:59

I have found this in a particular type of man yes but not all.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 26/08/2021 21:01

I'm honestly not going on about it! It's on my profile but most men don't seem to read that before they message me anyway. It's literally they say 'so what do you do?' and I say 'I'm just finishing a PhD and I teach at a university'. And then the eyebrows go up. I don't want to talk about my thesis anyway, I'm sick of it by now Grin

OP posts:
Miseryl · 26/08/2021 21:05

Maybe they are looking for someone who more like them - I'm not sure I would necessarily look for a man with a Phd because I don't feel we would have much in common or would find it easy to relate to each other. It might be that rather than being intimidated or turned off, as such. I think most people like to be with someone of a similar intelligence level, whatever that is.

oldestmumaintheworld · 26/08/2021 21:07

In my experience, yes. However, if you consider the bell curve you are at the extreme end of it and therefore there are few men as well educated as you. A lot of the rest are way down the other end. This can make dating problematic.

LastGirlSanding · 26/08/2021 21:15

I found that it was a good barometer to mention I had an MA - because I was surprised to notice a lot of men did make those sorts of comments and even more aggressive ones when I mentioned it. It shocked me as it’s not unusual to have an MA so to begin with I was very confused that some men seemed to find it threatening or made them insecure.

But, mentioning it also allowed me to weed out those types who are not the sort of men i’d have liked to date. Ended up with a man who doesn’t see it as a big deal or a small deal - respects I put the effort in but doesn’t find it threatening or something to look up to me for either. As in a normal reaction if you ask me!!

So my advice is to keep mentioning it. The wrong types will not like it and you’ll know. The right type will respect you for it and be interested in your studies!

Marineboy67 · 26/08/2021 21:17

Personally I wouldn't find it intimidating or off putting. Relationships need to thrive on emotional depth and maturity. The only qualifications I have are my City & Guilds certificates as a bricklayer.
To study for a PhD shows an incredible amount of commitment and dedication. Qualities that are admirable and should be celebrated.
If a potential dater is 'put off' by your achievements they're best left to jog on. One simple thing a Rabbi told me that stated with me was to 'Always aim high as you can always come down a little' Smile

Marineboy67 · 26/08/2021 21:22

'Stayed with me' that should have read, mumsnet's awful interface without an edit feature.

Catullus5 · 26/08/2021 21:24

@LastGirlSanding

Ended up with a man who doesn’t see it as a big deal or a small deal - respects I put the effort in but doesn’t find it threatening or something to look up to me for either. As in a normal reaction if you ask me!!

Would you have minded if he'd admired you for it?

KidneyBeans · 26/08/2021 22:00

@Marineboy67

Personally I wouldn't find it intimidating or off putting. Relationships need to thrive on emotional depth and maturity. The only qualifications I have are my City & Guilds certificates as a bricklayer. To study for a PhD shows an incredible amount of commitment and dedication. Qualities that are admirable and should be celebrated. If a potential dater is 'put off' by your achievements they're best left to jog on. One simple thing a Rabbi told me that stated with me was to 'Always aim high as you can always come down a little' Smile
Totally agree!
Rasberrycompote · 26/08/2021 22:01

I didn't find this and dated a lot after my divorce 4 years ago. I'm a doctor and my current partner is a plumber.

PearlyBird · 26/08/2021 22:03

Oh yes.

Even supposedly intelligent men like to explain things, show younger partners how to experience things, how to view things... etc. They like to cast themselves in a hero / mentor role which makes them feel big and important.

They can't do that with a partner who knows more about most things than they do.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/08/2021 22:07

@Dizzywizz

My Dh said he would be (so I am now insulted!)
He said he would be put off if a woman was very intelligent?! What in gods name would put him off about that?!
NotPersephone · 26/08/2021 22:07

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 26/08/2021 22:08

I mean, what are you going to do about it if some of them are? Not mention what you're doing? Dumb yourself down a bit?

I'm sure some men are intimidated or put off. Crap men who clearly aren't suited to you, or vice versa. It's like any other turnoff really, just as you wouldn't be suited to a man standing 5'5" if you liked 'em tall. (Not to imply that a shorter man is a crap one, but dating and attraction are not a democracy - you like what you like.)

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 26/08/2021 22:11

The silly thing is a PhD only makes you an 'expert' in a very narrow area. So I'm sure there's lots I could learn from lots of different men. And intelligence and education are not the same thing - yes, he has to be reasonably intelligent (or we'll have nothing to talk about) but no, he doesn't have to be educated.

Oh well, I guess I don't have to find a bunch of men, I only have to find one... Luckily!

OP posts:
Ilovedacake · 26/08/2021 22:17

This is going to sound quite conceited, however I don’t mean it in that way, but I think some (not all) men are put off by intelligence and independence. I have a masters, a well paying job and my own home and I’ve been cheated on twice and the men have gone for women who don’t have careers and who rely upon them to financially provide for them and I wonder whether it’s because the women have made them feel more superior and manly, as traditional providers.

PostMenPatWithACat · 26/08/2021 22:24

I'm probably old enough to be grandmother to some of you and didn't fund this in the late 70s. Not that I had a PhD or even a degree but well educated men were looking for well educated women. It's a question of meeting equals. It sounds as though the world has got a bit mixed up. My 20 something children wouldn't be put off and I expect them to partner people who are their equals.

FrDamo · 26/08/2021 22:27

I think that most people may feel threatened by things that they consider to be so far out of their orbit that they aren't achievable. So anyone that has achieved said thing are going to be put on a pedestal - and not necessarily in a good way, as you have found.

The education/exam/university/doctorate one is very common. So a hierarchy of no qualifications vs GCSEs vs A levels vs university degree vs post grad qualifications. Wherever you are on the scale you might be in awe of/feel intimidated by someone higher up the food chain.

I will qualify this and say I know plenty of mediocre students/not especially highly intelligent or clever people that have plodded and persisted and achieved their PhD. I also know plenty of mediocre students who have achieved stellar careers and earnings to match, sometimes by dogged hard work, sometimes by luck.

JustAnother0ldMan · 26/08/2021 22:27

I’m sure some men would be, the person I’m talking to on OLD is working towards her masters - not something I really want to commit to, but doesn’t worry me.

headintheproverbial · 26/08/2021 22:31

I never found this when dating. I'd maybe consider if you're dating the right people!!

TossaCoinToYerWitcher · 26/08/2021 22:51

Not at all for me (I'm a male poster) and quite the contrary - I actually prefer intelligent women. Whether they want to date me, however... as a PP said:

I find it hard to meet men I really connect with and feel equal to

And, I must admit, this did influence me when I was doing OLD. It's not so much that I feel "threatened" more I think "I imagine they'd want someone more on their level".

For all I know, I might have a high IQ - I've always been a bit nerdy and I've got a couple of Postgrad diplomas - however I'm hardly a high-earning consultant or specialist like many of my friends with PHds. They often have good careers and date (or want to date) guys who are on a similar level: one's coupled up with a University professor, for example. Another, is with an ENT doctor.

The one exception is a woman who's currently with a man who's the complete opposite: left school at 16, worked in a garage and is very "blokey". But, again, you can kind of see it as "opposites attract" - and I'm not that far in the other direction!