Are (seemingly a lot of but not all) men really put off by intelligent women?

[bathsh3ba]

Is this a thing?

Generally speaking I think I probably would get on best dating someone of a similar level of education/intelligence. I'm just finishing a PhD; I don't think of myself as especially clever but I am intelligent and I am well-educated.

I don't want to limit my options when dating too far so I'm open to people who haven't gone to university or who don't value education in the same way, if I think we share other values that are important.

However, increasingly I am finding that as soon as a guy finds out I'm doing a PhD I get raised eyebrows, a 'wow, you must be clever', then some self-deprecating comment and they lose interest.

I always thought the idea of men being threatened by intelligence was just a myth. Obviously I need a man who isn't ... but is being threatened by intelligence actually a thing?

As per LunaTheCat

In my circle I've noticed female doctors and women with postgraduate qualifications are married to or in long term relationships with tradesmen, fire fighters, police officers, businessmen, etc.

The men are experts and specialists in a completely different sphere.

The men aren't stupid when you talk to them either. So they will be with it on things like current affairs they are just not into traditional academic subjects.

@NiceGerbil

Oh and also not sure how they measured intelligent.

Qualifications etc is not the same thing.

Loads of people without lots of education are v clever. And tbh I've met plenty of highly educated people who aren't that sharp iyswim.

So that's another thought.

Yeah absolutely people of varying intellects both educated and not. Education levels are more closely correlated with income/status than they are with intelligence.

It's quite likely that someone who is highly educated and feels judged for it, it's actually more likely some kind of class disconnect between the people.

I don't think it matters, or should not matter, if one partner is highly educated, and the other is not.There are all kinds of people who will get together well,with a difference in education, as in people with three degrees and a PHD, and the other with no qualifications whatsoever. It will depend on peoples characters and personalities, that can matter most,if people gel together well.

If you may only be thinking about careers and money earning matters, as with better educated people, well that's a different matter.

But I dare say that some men, will not take well, to super, go ahead, and highly intelligent women. I have known a few, who haven't had the confidence to get involved with high flying women..

@RedMarauder

As per LunaTheCat

In my circle I've noticed female doctors and women with postgraduate qualifications are married to or in long term relationships with tradesmen, fire fighters, police officers, businessmen, etc.

The men are experts and specialists in a completely different sphere.

The men aren't stupid when you talk to them either. So they will be with it on things like current affairs they are just not into traditional academic subjects.

Agree with this

I think its really common for men to take issue with this - even when outwardly their proclaim they love how smart/sucessful you are.
My DH is one of the only men I've been with who has never directly or indirectly encouraged that i "be less" than i am.
We are in v differnt fields and he has his own career goals which helps. He went to a "better" university but i earn a lot more (2.5x and he isnt a bad earner) which in previous relationships has been problematic. I can hamd in heart say he is not jealous, supports me and very much cheers me on and shares my joy in my sucesses.

Looking at my female friendship group this is a noticeable aberation vs their partners.

I never found this, the very educated / intelligent men I knew where seeking similar women especially when looking for a wife and mother of their kids. I wouldnt take wow you must be clever as a sign they arent interested, just a compliment.

Maybe some men. I remember dating a very academic guy who told me on our first date he thought I was very smart and he loved that. I do have experienced in the past that many men would try mansplaining things to me even if I clearly knew things better then them.

There are plenty of equally intelligent men who may have a different education level. My last and current partner are both incredibly intelligent but didn’t pursue higher education so on paper we are unequal. They are both massively more emotionally intelligent than me too.

It would be a shame if you felt you had to limit your search to felllow phd level educated men.

IQ level, EQ level and level of education do nothing always match.

I think it depends although some of the highly intelligent women I know who are single are also quite assertive and dominating so when they make similar comments to the theme of this thread I do wonder if it’s more personality traits than their education which puts men off.

It’s no just intelligence/degree. A lot of men are not happy if you have higher markers of success than them.
A lot of men don’t like it when you earn more money
Or when you have a more important job
Or when you are busier than them.

They want to be the busy and important one!

That’s also why traditionally men date younger women

I have see this a lot to be honest. Of course quite a lot of men are not like this at all, but have seen enough of this to know it’s a thing.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I think he would feel they didn’t have enough in common

Depends on your definition of intelligence. I know done very intelligent women (and men) who are scientists, could talk for hours on their subject and are the loveliest people I've ever met. Always happy to share their learning.
However I've also met some bloody awful people who think they are intelligent and will tell all and sundry whether anyone wants to know or not. This group also takes pleasure in looking down on those that don't have the same academic qualifications as them.
In answer to your question it's probably more due to lack of exposure. Anyone is comfortable in their own tribe. You're a different tribe and they plain and simple don't know how to interact with you. Constant exposure is what will work. Once the man realizes your just a human the same as him the measure of your intelligence becomes irrelevant if they like you as a person.

FWIW, the women on my trip were by far the most dismissive. There were only a handful of men, all well educated, but they did try to take an interest in my life, albeit in a curious about someone different to them kind of way and they did listen when I had something to say. The women just blanked me when I tried to contribute to their intelligent conversation.

Just to add to this, I’ve just got a regular undergraduate degree, nothing fancy, but I have got a fancy sounding job (its not fancy in reality), for a well known high street institution and I have found that has put a women off once I explained what I do , ( maybe they think I’m really boring, which probably true)

My DH claimed when we met it was part of the attraction, he wanted intelligent children 🤣

@CampaignToo

I was actually planning to try an organised walking group holiday as I usually go solo

but based on your experience seems not worth paying extra to end up in a group of adult Mean Girls? - sounds horrific.

My general grumpy introvert life philosophy of most groups of people being “too much like hard work” wins.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@CampaignToo

I was actually planning to try an organised walking group holiday as I usually go solo

but based on your experience seems not worth paying extra to end up in a group of adult Mean Girls? - sounds horrific.

My general grumpy introvert life philosophy of most groups of people being “too much like hard work” wins.[/quote]
Oh no, this group was unusual, they're usually very friendly "naice" people, with knowledge to share about what we see, which they do generously and kindly. I shall do another.

Some replies seem to be berating the OP for something she hasn't said - as if she's snobbishly rejecting men who aren't educated to at least masters level.

I have found some men to be chippy about intelligence, yes. I don't mention my education level at all when I'm chatting to people on OLD but I don't like using text speak or abbreviations, and for some men, that seems to trigger a sort of "posh klaxon". I've had a few snide remarks about the sort of person they assume I must be, i.e. a prig, stuck-up. On the other hand, I once went on a site called Ivory Towers which is specifically for people educated to degree level and above, and that was full of men looking for younger women to deliver their opinions at, so I don't know what the answer is!

I've never encountered this. In fact I very much doubt I'd be with my partner if I were less intelligent and well educated. We have different areas of knowledge and he is more intelligent than me (mainly because he's good at maths which opens up so many other subjects) but I have more formal education and a wider knowledge base.

@RedMarauder

As per LunaTheCat

In my circle I've noticed female doctors and women with postgraduate qualifications are married to or in long term relationships with tradesmen, fire fighters, police officers, businessmen, etc.

The men are experts and specialists in a completely different sphere.

The men aren't stupid when you talk to them either. So they will be with it on things like current affairs they are just not into traditional academic subjects.

That’s interesting. I’m a doctor as are almost all of my female friends and the vast majority are married to other doctors. A few are married to other university-educated professionals.

Your experience is very different to mine.

I’m sure some men are, but personally I’m the opposite. I never really had a physical “type” but I find intelligence attractive.

Only stupid inadequate ones.

I was at uni in the 70s, and my experience as a medical student was very different to Lunathecat* - lots of my fellow medics dated (and married) each other, including one male future consultant anaesthetist who married a female future professor of Geriatrics, and two future consultant surgeons who married and involved the male one commuting 50 miles to work as his wife was in a senior position in their royal college, based in their home city.
I met my wonderful DH my first night at uni. He was a science student who wasn’t in the least intimidated by me doing medicine. He was always very proud and supportive of me, and not at all jealous of my salary being three times his.

Don’t give up, OP. Use your PhD as a filter to weed out misogynist pigs!

@AnaViaSalamanca

It’s no just intelligence/degree. A lot of men are not happy if you have higher markers of success than them. A lot of men don’t like it when you earn more money Or when you have a more important job Or when you are busier than them.

They want to be the busy and important one!

That’s also why traditionally men date younger women

I have see this a lot to be honest. Of course quite a lot of men are not like this at all, but have seen enough of this to know it’s a thing.

I mentioned similar on another thread. I think there are societal expectations that the man should be the earner, the provider and if they can’t fulfill that role then they are seen as less of a man. Another element of toxic masculinity.

It can lead to men making decision like you say. Only wanting relationships that meet that criteria

@bathsh3ba

I'm honestly not going on about it! It's on my profile but most men don't seem to read that before they message me anyway. It's literally they say 'so what do you do?' and I say 'I'm just finishing a PhD and I teach at a university'. And then the eyebrows go up. I don't want to talk about my thesis anyway, I'm sick of it by now

I think a PhD sounds impressive whoever is saying it.

I'd have that "wow this person is clever!" reaction if anyone told me they were doing a PhD. The same as if they told me anything else I found impressive like if they were a successful athlete or had travelled the world or whatever.

It doesn't mean they aren't interested in dating you.

You can't lump together "men" as a homogenous group any more than you can "women", everyone is different and wants different things.

I can't put my finger on it, but I wouldn't like "Wow, you must be clever" either. Probably because I wouldn't say that myself; if someone told me they were doing a PhD, I'd be more likely to ask them what it was on, as it's another thing you can talk to them about and it might actually lead to an interesting conversation. Just saying "you must be clever" doesn't lead anywhere, because what are you supposed to say to that? "Yes, I am" would sound arrogant, "Oh, not really" would be faux-modest.