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Original poster

Are (seemingly a lot of but not all) men really put off by intelligent women?

156 replies

bathsh3ba · 26/08/2021 20:46

Is this a thing?

Generally speaking I think I probably would get on best dating someone of a similar level of education/intelligence. I'm just finishing a PhD; I don't think of myself as especially clever but I am intelligent and I am well-educated.

I don't want to limit my options when dating too far so I'm open to people who haven't gone to university or who don't value education in the same way, if I think we share other values that are important.

However, increasingly I am finding that as soon as a guy finds out I'm doing a PhD I get raised eyebrows, a 'wow, you must be clever', then some self-deprecating comment and they lose interest.

I always thought the idea of men being threatened by intelligence was just a myth. Obviously I need a man who isn't ... but is being threatened by intelligence actually a thing?

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 27/08/2021 11:49

@Changechangychange. Correct- I’ve found few intelligent men who feel threatened but men who are not as educated fall into 2 camps— no issue and really supportive or quite the opposite as they feel threatened

outdooryone · 27/08/2021 11:57

I think you are speaking generally, and there will be men out there who value the hard work, creativity and intelligence shown by undertaking a PhD. I for one would, and anyone who doesn't isn't likely to be an ongoing match.

I do think this is similar to many other things when dating and finding someone for a long term thing. For example, I couldn't imagine being with someone who doesn't get my adventures and outdoors. A dirty weekend for me is not a hotel - it is a bike, a tent and the Cairngorms. A great holiday probably involves a lot of sweat - heading up mountains or paddling rivers...

If someone isn't understanding or perhaps looking to join in with that, I would find it hard. It is so much of who I am and I don't need or want to compromise on that.

Good luck @bathsh3ba - it is a narrower field you are seeking from, but one better suited to who you are.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 27/08/2021 12:09

It seems that while I have few criteria, they narrow the field a lot! Ah well, I guess it saves time in the sense of not going on a bunch of dates that lead nowhere.

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 27/08/2021 12:29

I have 2 masters and do a 'clever' job but have never encountered this when dating! In fact all my ex-es and current partner have never even commented on it, but are very proud of me for my achievements.

But it could also depend on where you live and date I suppose. I'm in a big city so plenty of choice, and plenty of very clever people about so I'm not an anomaly at all. I would consider the type of men you're going on dates with or talking to maybe? There are a lot of women with degrees high powered jobs, and high IQs who are with partners/married, even in quite patriarchal countries/cultures. So obviously not a common theme for women worldwide.

altmember · 27/08/2021 13:03

They probably just think they're below you and that you'd be put off by that.

Changechangychange · 27/08/2021 13:08

@Crikeyalmighty I don’t think some men like being upstaged by the support act Confused

Roblox01 · 27/08/2021 13:17

Isn't there a site for professionals. Called elite dating or something. Would that be worth a try

KohlaParasanda · 27/08/2021 13:57

I quite like the idea that men who have problems with an aspect of me that I can't and don't want to change screen themselves out before wasting too much of their time and mine. I'm sure over the years more potential partners have been put off by my appearance, expectations, and unfeminine behaviour than by my academic qualifications, occupation or income. That still left me with plenty of choice.

Kite22 · 27/08/2021 15:31

I was going to say the same as MissTrip82 and Babdoc. I know quite a few Drs - both PhDs and medics, and virtually all the married ones are married to people who are also medics or PhDs

@TourneeDuChatNoir - I think that depends how many people you know with post grad qualifications though. If it is something outside your immediate experience, it becomes "wow", simply because it isn't something I am used to. A bit like I go "wow" when I read threads where people spend £200 on a hair cut. It is SO far from my experience, although I have read about people doing it, it still makes me think "wow". Obviously that isn't an 'achievement', but it is something that blows my little mind.

Spot on @Flatdisco (re knowing people with PhDs) - that is exactly it. It is about something being outside your daily life / experience.

I agree @dontstealmymagnolias - very much like Education Rita, which is an excellent film if anyone hasn't seen it.

Kite22 · 27/08/2021 15:32

*Educating Rita

layladomino · 27/08/2021 19:49

I've never had this issue, thankfully, or noticed it as a 'thing', although from what people are saying on here it obviously can be.

I don't think it's necessarily your intelligence that is putting them off, as a working on a phd doesn't mean you are automatically more intelligent than someone who isn't. It may be that they are put off by the fact it seems a but showy-offy to say that up front - I wouldn't think to mention qualiifications on a dating bio - you say you're mentioned it because it's a huge part of your life right now, but they might not realise that.

Also, academia can be a turn-off to some - it can seem a bit staid and insular (not saying that's fair), and if you mention that info up front they may unfairly tar you with that brush.

However, whatever the reason, as others have said, this is at least weeding out people who aren't for you.

blackheartsgirl · 27/08/2021 20:14

I have a degree and gcses, A levels etc.

My late husband had a city and guilds in welding and nothing else.

He loved the fact I had a degree and qualifications and was proud too.

To be honest he was one of the most brightest people I know, far more than I am. We got on really well and the conversations we used to have.

The right one won't care, but I think he was a rare breed to be honest. My ex hated it.

Gallowayan · 27/08/2021 20:53

Not a gender/feminist issue in my opinion. There are plenty of female 'university of life types' out there too. When I was a male postgrad student I found it difficult to date. It was the 80s when few people did postgrad degrees. Statistically you are not normal so the dating pool will automatically be smaller.

EarthSight · 27/08/2021 21:47

Hard to say......I do think there are plenty of men who say they like intelligent women.....just as long as those women are not as, or more intelligent as they are! They need to be the dominant one in the relationship, and what dominant means will vary from man to man. To some it might earning power, but to many, yes, they won't like feeling like their partner is as intelligent as they are, or God forbid, more intelligent than they are. For one thing, if someone has a high IQ, is emotionally intelligent, verbally gifted and assertive......well, it's not that easy to pull the wool over the eyes of a formidable woman like that.

Or, on paper, they find the idea incredibly appealing, sexy even. Some of them might enjoy boasting about their high achieving girlfriends to their friends, but that's more to do with status seeking rather than actually liking having either an intelligent or high achieving partner. Indoors, she might be expect to fall in line.

EarthSight · 27/08/2021 21:49

@dontstealmymagnolias

Honestly I think it's only men (or women) who would have quite a low level of education that would raise eyebrows and comment "you must be smart" for doing a PhD. A friend of mine who was from a very working class background and whose family all had very WC jobs was convinced that her husband was insanely threatened by her doing a diploma (worth 3 A levels) and it caused her marriage to breakdown. To her a diploma was a very high level of education and people really respected her and looked at her in awe, whereas most people probably thought it was very normal. OP you need to start looking for men on your educational level.
I don't know @dontstealmymagnolias . Maybe in the older generation maybe? So many young working class people have degrees these days that it certainly isn't nowhere near special where I live.
EarthSight · 27/08/2021 21:51

Also, I find it really interesting how the word 'clever' is used much more often for women, but not 'intelligence'. Even women do this.

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 22:09

Yes that is a good spot.
Or bright for women.

There've been loads of studies about similar bias with the word genius.

Excelthetube · 27/08/2021 22:11

A masters takes a year. It’s easier than a degree, which is easier than a levels.

dontstealmymagnolias · 27/08/2021 22:24

Excel my masters was much more rigorous than my degree.
EarthSight I mean the ones who aren't educated, the same ones who think 'university isn't for the likes of us'. In my circle a PhD isn't particularly special, it certainly isn't only for 'clever' or intelligent people. It does however demonstrate that you are committed and have good perseverance skills.

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 22:26

But being clever is a different thing to having certain educational achievements.

ferando81 · 27/08/2021 22:27

I know plenty of people who are knowledgeable and educated but not particularly intelligent.

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 22:28

@Excelthetube

A masters takes a year. It’s easier than a degree, which is easier than a levels.
A level is easier than degree?

Why do you say that?

My a level maths and f maths was a walk in the park compared to triple integration etc at degree level physics!

Can you give some more info?

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 22:29

@ferando81

I know plenty of people who are knowledgeable and educated but not particularly intelligent.
I know loads of people without much in the way of qualifications who are clever.

This isn't about qualifications is it? I thought it was about intelligence full stop.

Flowers500 · 27/08/2021 22:54

@Excelthetube

A masters takes a year. It’s easier than a degree, which is easier than a levels.
…sorry, do you actually know what a master’s is?
KidneyBeans · 27/08/2021 23:03

@Excelthetube

A masters takes a year. It’s easier than a degree, which is easier than a levels.
Oh sure! All degrees are harder than all A levels.

That's definitely what the HEA framework descriptors say Confused
I'm going to take a wild stab and suggest you've never worked in education