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Original poster

Are (seemingly a lot of but not all) men really put off by intelligent women?

156 replies

bathsh3ba · 26/08/2021 20:46

Is this a thing?

Generally speaking I think I probably would get on best dating someone of a similar level of education/intelligence. I'm just finishing a PhD; I don't think of myself as especially clever but I am intelligent and I am well-educated.

I don't want to limit my options when dating too far so I'm open to people who haven't gone to university or who don't value education in the same way, if I think we share other values that are important.

However, increasingly I am finding that as soon as a guy finds out I'm doing a PhD I get raised eyebrows, a 'wow, you must be clever', then some self-deprecating comment and they lose interest.

I always thought the idea of men being threatened by intelligence was just a myth. Obviously I need a man who isn't ... but is being threatened by intelligence actually a thing?

OP posts:

NiceGerbil · 27/08/2021 23:04

Have you seen the maths in a levels Vs maths degree?!

I mean how silly.

Shelddd · 28/08/2021 03:08

@dontstealmymagnolias

Excel my masters was much more rigorous than my degree. EarthSight I mean the ones who aren't educated, the same ones who think 'university isn't for the likes of us'. In my circle a PhD isn't particularly special, it certainly isn't only for 'clever' or intelligent people. It does however demonstrate that you are committed and have good perseverance skills.

You could even make the argument that PhD isn't the typical pathway for intelligent people since it isn't a pathway to money, it's a pathway to a life in public sector/lower middle class life.

NiceGerbil · 28/08/2021 03:16

The argument that if you're intelligent your number one driver will be to make as much money as possible is pretty depressing tbh!

And not true.

NiceGerbil · 28/08/2021 03:19

And try getting a job at CERN without some pretty serious qualifications!

Is the idea that some people love learning, are passionate about a subject, want to uncover/ increase expertise more etc. Really alien to you?

TourneeDuChatNoir · 28/08/2021 08:48

It's intellectual curiosity that's important to me, not qualifications. Someone who hasn't been to uni but enjoys reading, watching documentaries, going to museums and galleries etc. Or even if they don't have the time for all that but they are still curious about the world. I can't be doing with people who have this attitude of despising learning and sneering at those who feel differently.

jewel1968 · 28/08/2021 20:11

I know quite a few people with PhDs - probably because of where I work. What I have noticed is not so much how clever they are but how passionate they are for the subject they studied. That passion is attractive and interesting to me. I don't always understand what they share with me when I ask questions but I understand enough to have a conversation. I admire the dedication and focus I see in them.

NiceGerbil · 28/08/2021 22:28

I find it about being quick. Properly funny in an off the cuff clever way Personally that's a massive sign of intelligence.

So there's lots of different things for different people. In the end.

NiceGerbil · 28/08/2021 22:32

People can be and are passionate and with an encyclopedic knowledge and thirst for more on loads of things.

Not just academic/ studying.

And tbh plenty when they get going bore others to tears!

We all have things we are interested in surely?

I certainly do.

I do enjoy watching anyone who is really skilled at something hands on doing their stuff. Whether it's restoring an ancient book or tiling a roof iyswim!

SStopRaisingHim · 28/08/2021 22:54

No, I certainly haven’t found this to be the case & I’m a well educated proud lefty

BrightYellowDaffodil · 29/08/2021 17:26

@EarthSight

Hard to say......I do think there are plenty of men who say they like intelligent women.....just as long as those women are not as, or more intelligent as they are! They need to be the dominant one in the relationship, and what dominant means will vary from man to man. To some it might earning power, but to many, yes, they won't like feeling like their partner is as intelligent as they are, or God forbid, more intelligent than they are. For one thing, if someone has a high IQ, is emotionally intelligent, verbally gifted and assertive......well, it's not that easy to pull the wool over the eyes of a formidable woman like that.

Or, on paper, they find the idea incredibly appealing, sexy even. Some of them might enjoy boasting about their high achieving girlfriends to their friends, but that's more to do with status seeking rather than actually liking having either an intelligent or high achieving partner. Indoors, she might be expect to fall in line.

I’d agree with this completely.

5128gap · 29/08/2021 17:52

I'm not sure its intelligence that's off putting, but being 'an academic' might be, as it does carry connotations of single focus, maybe a bit dry and dusty, or for want of a better word, geekiness. I wonder if it would be different if you just said you teach at a university when asked what you do. Though tbh you really shouldn't need to.

Kite22 · 29/08/2021 18:04

I'm inclined to agree 5128gap
I mean I wouldn't assume anything from a qualification / lack of qualification, but I do know several academics who are "married to their work". They work all hours and don't have any outside interests. Which, to me doesn't make them a great prospect as a partner or friend. If you had only met PhDs who were like that, it wouldn't be a big leap to see having a PhD as not being a positive attribute. No matter what sex you are. As it happens, I also know lots of people with PhDs who are lovely, interesting people with lives outside their work, but there is more of a correlation between that 'narrow focus' / one interest' leaning and people with PhDs, than those without.

RantyAunty · 30/08/2021 08:41

OTOH there are far more people uneducated and not so bright around.
I find they are the most insecure about someone else's education of any kind, not just a PhD level.

It would be nice to have a partner again but I am passionate and dedicated to my work. My ideal partner would be in a similar field and spend the rest of our days innovating and blowing each other's minds as well as other things.

FarDownTheRiver · 04/09/2021 15:45

Objectively this is true in most cultures. I think it would be wonderful if more intelligent women were to become mothers though. Even the number of children seems to decrease based on intelligence.

bamboocat · 04/09/2021 15:50

I still vividly remember the one and only piece of advice that my late DM gave to me on the morning I started my very first office job.

"Men don't like ladies to be too clever, dear" she said.

Polkadots2021 · 04/09/2021 17:39

@bathsh3ba

Is this a thing?

However, increasingly I am finding that as soon as a guy finds out I'm doing a PhD I get raised eyebrows, a 'wow, you must be clever', then some self-deprecating comment and they lose interest.

I always thought the idea of men being threatened by intelligence was just a myth. Obviously I need a man who isn't ... but is being threatened by intelligence actually a thing?

I reckon they're doing you a favour OP and outing themselves early, so you can move on quick to a better match! People think the opposite when I say I work in fitness

KeflavikAirport · 04/09/2021 19:14

I'm an academic in a mainly female department. Mist of us are coupled up, so you know, not all men are out off by cleverness. Most are with other people in the education/research field which is logical (read your Bourdieu) but several are with people in completely different walks if life like painting and decorating.

Starseeking · 04/09/2021 21:40

Unfortunately I think it is still a 'thing' OP. My EXDP never went to uni, while I got a decent grade in a STEM subject, plus I have a string of professional qualifications.

Initially he claimed to admire my intelligence, but as time went on, and he became resentful, he would sneer things like 'you think you're so clever', 'we can't all be as clever as you etc etc'. It was so tiresome. I think I mentioned my degree once when he asked in the early days of dating, and I only ever talked about work to moan, rather than about his great it is.

I also had the double whammy of what Jen allegedly dislike in a lady in that my salary is more than most (over double what my EXDP earned), so he went in the other direction trying to rubbish me through money.

Now we've split plus I have young DC, I'm really not sure if I'll find another relationship again, particularly with someone more equal, however it's far better to be with someone who loves and values you for who you are, than looks down on you for material things.

Keep going with the OLD, I'm sure you'll find your Prince, just have to wade through the substantial number of frogs first!

thelastgoldeneagle · 04/09/2021 22:57

It's not a bad idea to mention it so you get men's reactions to it and you can weed out any idiots.

Is there an academic form of Tinder?!

pollyglot · 05/09/2021 04:46

Not at all, in my experience. As so many pp have said, a degree is actually meaningless in terms of intelligence and EQ. And how society's mores have changed! When my brother decided to do medicine, Granny, born 1889, was horrified. A doctor (GP) was only just respectable in her youth. "Oh my dear, we didn't see the doctor socially...he used the tradesman's entrance..." It was a little better when DB became a consultant. My wonderful DH, who trained as a "Greenie" in the Royal Navy, is the cleverest man I know, and we revel in each other's intellect. He's never been intimidated in the slightest by my qualifications, and I'm in awe of his abilities in Maths and Physics, as well as his truly amazing life story. We are the perfect foil for each other and never run out of conversation and laughs. We just "click", read the same books, love the same films, teach each other about our passions. A perfect marriage.

Original poster

bathsh3ba · 05/09/2021 08:08

I really don't think I'm a typical academic (and I don't find any of the men in my department remotely attractive, mostly because they are very left-wing and I am not). I was thinking though that maybe it would be best to focus on finishing the PhD first and finding a job, especially as I may end up having to relocate. And then see what's out there, if anything.

I accept that the particular red lines I have give me a very small dating pool but they are carefully chosen and there for a reason and ultimately I only need to find one man.... It's just ironic that education/intelligence isn't really one of them, beyond the ability to hold a reasoned debate/discuss topical issues sensibly.

OP posts:

Mangofandangoo · 05/09/2021 08:12

I agree OP, I also find the majority of men are still quite sexist, even if it's just a subtle undertone.

Sparechange · 05/09/2021 08:24

I work in finance/investment banking, and the (vast) majority of my make colleagues wear their wives’ qualifications/intellect as a badge of pride

Most of them met their wives when they were colleagues at a bank or course mates doing an MBA, which I only know because they’ve made a point of mentioning it at some point.

I know this is a very narrow bubble of male-kind but I would say there is a very definite preference towards women who are intellectually equal and probably who also very clearly understand (and appreciate) the industry they work in - probably so they appreciate the demands of the job re hours, trips etc

I’ve not met any of these women, and bar seeing a few family pics on desks, have no idea what they look like, so they may all be supermodels who pulled their rich husbands based on their amazing looks, but I genuinely don’t think any of them would entertain serious relationships with unintelligent women

KeflavikAirport · 05/09/2021 10:35

I actually did OLD as an early career academic OP. I started out with narro parameters like yours, met a bunch of highly qualified arseholes / no-hopers, realised I was wasting my precious time and broad need my parameters. Now happily married to a man who dropped out of uni, who is far less qualified than me and very proud of my career.

KeflavikAirport · 05/09/2021 10:39

Sorry for the typos 😬 kids screeching in my ears

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