Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
SpurOfMoment · 27/08/2021 16:42

Thinking of you I hope it will all be ok. You’ve done the right thing

I can’t believe he has been allowed free with 300 accusations previously

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 27/08/2021 16:42

I have overwhelming guilt that this is the time he would be spending with his son (from a previous relationship) and that time means a lot to him I have horrendous guilt

And he would have that time if he were not such a violent arsehole.

OpheliaOpholia · 27/08/2021 16:57

He doesn't deserve to be spending any time with his son if this is how he treats people he perceives to be smaller or weaker than him. I wouldn't want that POS within 100 yards of my children.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Don't drop the charges. You deserved much better than this and the next woman will too.

Jemand · 27/08/2021 17:00

Please make sure you give the police a full statement and stop feeling guilty. No-one has done this but your ex, it is NOT your fault.

REignbow · 27/08/2021 17:06

Your workplace is a disgrace. Please, please tell the police that they have certainly allowed him, to continue his abuse of you.

He needs to be in custody, he is unhinged. He will eventually murder someone.

Igmum · 27/08/2021 17:06

Good. Well done OP and stay strong. This doesn't sound bitter at all, it sounds like you have put up with far too much for far too long. Please remember he has brought this on himself. Now that's being dealt with you can move on Thanks

HalzTangz · 27/08/2021 17:10

He hasn't stopped the abuse if he's turning up at work and sending threatening messages. You are obviously concerned or you wouldn't have called 101.

Let the police arrest him he deserves it. So what if it ruins his life, he chooses to be abusive he can pay the price.

You you think he thinks about whether he is ruining your life with each threat he makes, each bone he cracks/breaks?

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 17:19

I honestly just feel so drained cant believe this is happening I loved him so much and still obviously have feelings for him even though he's treated me so bad and now I'm on my way to the station this is all just so hard and emotionally draining

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 27/08/2021 17:59

If your manager gets arsey contact your HR, they will soon put him in his place

torquewench · 27/08/2021 18:08

You call it ruining his life, other people call it facing the consequences of his own actions.

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 18:11

Hi OP. I hope that police are being supportive.

If he is in custody now please ask them to put a domestic violence protection notice in place to protect you until you can get a non molesation order.

Both of these are in addition to bail conditions.

helentomelon · 27/08/2021 18:25

Doing all this will also mean if future girlfriends use clares law on him they will be able to see what he's like and protect themselves and their children from this awful violent man

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/08/2021 18:41

Hope you are OK and the police support you effectively. It's OK to not feel OK about it all, but please know that you are doing the right thing.

Flowers
Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 22:15

Hi everyone I went to the police station with photos of injuries and msgs of abuse.

We came to the conclusion as I couldn't make my mind up and wanted to move on that I would go for non mol order as officer didn't want me to make a decision so overwhelmed and I wanted to move on with my life as a fresh start. He was fairly impartial tbh and said He couldn't make decision. He was going to interview him then let him go.

He rang me back about an hour ago telling me there has been a change of plan, that due to the severity of things he has done to me previously and the case they are bailing him and have siezed his fone. He told me he suggests that I have a few days to think about putting a statement in as I was so indecisive and may need to reconsider things. He said my ex has admitted to the texts claiming he was mad I wore a white bikini as I was doing it to make him jealous, and has denied all physical abuse claiming I am trouble and I get in his face. I don't know what to do I really don't I just want to move on from this and start fresh I don't know what to do.

About half an hour ago I had a missed call off his brother. I didn't answer.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 27/08/2021 22:44

You need some support
Call womens aid
Call victim support

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 22:48

The bail conditions would be not to contact you directly or indirectly. You need to let the police know about his brother.

They should have slapped a DVPN on him too. Why are the police so failing in using this protective measure!

I would suggest you do an achieving best evidence interview as your statement. This is done by interviewing you on video in a comfortable room. You need to do this.

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 22:48

@CornishTiger

Hi OP. I hope that police are being supportive.

If he is in custody now please ask them to put a domestic violence protection notice in place to protect you until you can get a non molesation order.

Both of these are in addition to bail conditions.

Hi thank u for the support it really means alot 🥺this was the plan after he got interviewed. He was going to be released and I was going to hopefully move on with my life and start fresh. Now I feel I am back at square one with what decision to make about going to court or none mol. I just don't know what to do and now his brother has rang me I am worrying about what he is saying about me and what his family will think of me. I know I shouldn't but his mom loved me and thought I was really nice. I got on with all his family.
OP posts:
CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 22:48

Have the police made a referral to appoint you an independent domestic violence advisor? If not pm me the area you live and I’ll research how you can referral yourself.

RandomMess · 27/08/2021 22:49

Please speak to national domestic violence helpline they can help you through this.

You need protection, the phone call from his brother is evidence of that.

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 22:50

@CornishTiger

The bail conditions would be not to contact you directly or indirectly. You need to let the police know about his brother.

They should have slapped a DVPN on him too. Why are the police so failing in using this protective measure!

I would suggest you do an achieving best evidence interview as your statement. This is done by interviewing you on video in a comfortable room. You need to do this.

I have emailed the officer who I spoke to the screenshots. I feel its really thrown me. I was only talking to the officer for 4 minutes I think I need to talk to someone properly again about what has been said and what happens next and the reasons behind why their decisions have been made so I can get my head around it. Do you think this will be possible. I am starting to feel so guilty again
OP posts:
CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 22:51

You can do both.

You can press charges and do a non molesation order.

Men like this don’t change and whilst you might be thinking start afresh I guarantee that if you don’t explore a charge you will regret it as the trauma comes out fully later on.

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 22:53

Yes you can talk to officer. You might find a domestic abuse unit officer is appointed. I hope so. They are so supportive.

Please tell them about the brother and please ask why they are not using the immediate protective power of a DVPN.

Do you know how to file for a non molesation order. It’s free except the fee for court to serve the notice.

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 22:54

You feel guilty because you are a good person who has been conditioned to please and accept this behaviour.

I still love the man who has repeated hurt me. I should have gone to the police but didn’t. It’s a long long process.

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/08/2021 23:00

The reasons he needs to be arrested for what he did to you?

1.He's a nasty abusive 💩
2.He assaulted you;more than once;assault is a crime.
3.He broke your ribs;this ABH/GBH;they are crimes.
4.You deserve justice and closure.
5.Women he could be involved with in the future need to be protected from him;men like him tend to repeat their behaviour from relationship to relationship.

Hen2018 · 27/08/2021 23:02

Aren’t you angry at how badly he treated you? You seem so accepting of everything.