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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex may get arrested... idk what to do

485 replies

Laladell · 26/08/2021 19:11

Bit of a long one but my mind is all over the place atm.

Me and my ex partner have been off and on for a year and a half, not the best relationship it was toxic and consisted of me getting mentally and physically abused.

We were on an off period and I bumped into him at my gym (I work for the health club company that we both attend but at a separate club) a week and a half ago he harrased me due to me wearing a white bikini by poolside and also screamed abuse at me on the carpark.

He then proceeded to ring me constantly and as I didn't answer because I didn't want to hear what he was saying he sent me a series of messages threatening to come to my house and smash my face in, to punch my teeth out, that he was gonna turn upto my house and it will go off and a load of other nasty and abusive names etc

Work are being really useless over it tbh so I rang 101 for advice on weds, I thought we were having a general chat but we got onto the subject of abuse wen we were in a relationship (he broke multiple ribs which I have hospital proof of) and also blacked both of my eyes a couple of months ago. They are looking to arrest him etc but I just don't know how I feel about it all, it was the incident that happened at the gym and the threats that triggered this and I haven't heard anythin off him since. I feel like it's a stressful situation that is impeding on my life I don't want to look like a jealous bitter ex trying to get revenge on things that happened previously and I didn't speak up about but then at the same time I don't want him to get away with the bad things he has done to me it's not fair 😔 I really want to be able to move on from this relationship and I feel a situation like this will 😔 but then again what he did is wrong, I know this will probably ruin his life if he gets arrested, they will also see his works van on his drive which he has been driving whilst banned so he will more than likely go to prison he will most definitely loose his business meaning loosing his home. But what he has also done to me is wrong. Its so much to carry on my shoulders.

I just really don't know what to do

OP posts:
Goawayquickly · 27/08/2021 23:04

This cunt should be in prison.

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 23:05

@Hen2018

Aren’t you angry at how badly he treated you? You seem so accepting of everything.
Unfortunately this is very common in those who have experienced domestic abuse. It part of the coercive control and conditioning the perpetrator has exercised.
Hen2018 · 27/08/2021 23:08

@Cornishtiger - well, I know as I’ve been in a refuge myself but there are limits!

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 23:14

@CornishTiger

You feel guilty because you are a good person who has been conditioned to please and accept this behaviour.

I still love the man who has repeated hurt me. I should have gone to the police but didn’t. It’s a long long process.

Hi dell it's .. s been arrested obviously you know. I'm not going to get involved as I know how toxic your relationship was but please Listen to me if goes to crown court and goes to prison because he has a privous criminal record he will kill him self (sons name) will be with out dad me a brother sounds rash but I know him. you should of walked when you knew how his temper was you kept going back I don't know what's gone on with you both but can't get my head around it. the conversation we had on Instagram when you were there when he was hungover tidying his house and saying shall I clean or go you should of walked out then * is unstable and in a dark place if he loses his son 110% hell do something stupid please think is this what you want they have his phone * says things that he doesn't mean out of anger if you hate ** for his actions and what his about fair enough but please dell think about (sons name) x
OP posts:
Hen2018 · 27/08/2021 23:19

Block the family member.

RandomMess · 27/08/2021 23:23

Tell the police that his brother is claiming he is a suicide risk and block.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/08/2021 23:24

Or you could think about his son and think about how dangerous it is for a child to be around someone who responds to stressful situations by breaking his loved ones ribs and giving them black eyes.

Are you sure he won’t harm his son? Really sure? Children are really really irritating sometimes.

Contact the police and let them know that his brother is in contact with you and trying get you to drop the charges.

CornishTiger · 27/08/2021 23:26

Oh the flying monkey has come out quick hasn’t he?

Block. Ignore. This is not what you need to focus on. He is unlikely to get a custodial anyway. But more like a rehabilitation activity requirement and community service.

That could be the best thing you do for him and his son. The chance to engage in services.

Original poster
Laladell · 27/08/2021 23:29

I feel like I really want to reply telling him he wasn't thinking about my son (previous relationship) being without a mother when he was kicking me down a flight of stairs, or strangling me, or smashing my head in. He didn't care now he's made me feel suicidal with all the horrible things he's said to me 😔 I hate how this makes me feel guilty and my fault

OP posts:
FatAnkles · 27/08/2021 23:32

Don't respond but keep screenshots as evidence. Block the family member on your phone.

RandomMess · 27/08/2021 23:33

Exactly get angry and block.

What happens is on him, nothing makes his violence towards others excusable. He should have thought about his son and kept himself in check and dealt with his temper and jealousy issues.

thelastgoldeneagle · 27/08/2021 23:36

300 violent incidents reports about him??? Really?? Why the FUCK is this monster not in prison already??

For goodness sake, op, put him away. You don't deserve what he did to you. Don't let him be violent to more women in future.

Shouldbedoing · 27/08/2021 23:57

Did you just say strangling? Have you told the police that? This man will kill some poor woman .

Original poster
Laladell · 28/08/2021 00:22

@Hen2018

Aren’t you angry at how badly he treated you? You seem so accepting of everything.
I'm heartbroken, empty and devastated more than angry
OP posts:
Alternista · 28/08/2021 08:04

Please don’t drop this. He’ll end up killing someone in the end; you or someone else.
Give the police all the evidence.

CornishTiger · 28/08/2021 08:53

You haven’t found your anger yet and that’s fine. You will.

You are still in the bewildered stage of loss and abandonment. Process that whilst taking preventative steps.

Non molesation order with a no contact via direct or indirect means including phone, visits etc.

Not to attend your home or place of work.

Tell your employer.

Push police for a DVPN

CornishTiger · 28/08/2021 08:54

And please remember he made an attempt to kill you - he obstructed your airway with strangulation.

His anger and actions could have killed you or brain damaged you. Don’t ever forget that.

NoNotYou · 28/08/2021 08:59

@Laladell. I have been there. It is not your fault. Confide in someone you trust and who will be there for you.

It is not your fault

thecognoscenti · 28/08/2021 09:01

It's NOT your fault. If he didn't want to risk prison he shouldn't have attacked you, should he. This is all on him. Please be strong and make sure he faces the consequences of his actions. Screenshot the messages then block his brother. You've got this.

SarahBellam · 28/08/2021 09:13

Absolutely contact the police with the brothers message and tell them his brother is concerned that he is at risk of suicide. His mental well-being is absolutely not your concern - you need to look after yourself now. People like that never do commit suicide. It's yet another manipulation technique. Every time to get a flying monkey text or call phone the police. It is NOT your job to deal with it. Block the numbers who might call you. He is emphatically NOT your problem now.

HalzTangz · 28/08/2021 09:52

You need to stop feeling guilty, you didn't hurt him he hurt you.

Make the statement both for yourself and others he could hurt in the future/has hurt in the past.

The fact they are investigating 300 incidents shows this man is a danger.

You won't be able to move on until this chapter is closed. Close it by pressing charges.

Call the police as report he/his brother is trying to contact you. He is doing this to pull at your heart strings with any lie he think you'll listen to to drop the charges.

Don't engage with him, his family or friends

cupofdecaf · 28/08/2021 09:55

OP I appreciate that this is very hard. You're struggling because you care and are a nice person.
I have met people in your situation through work and helped them give evidence and get restraining orders.
Statistically, given what he's done and that even after you've broken up he's still behaving this way he poses a very serious risk to you. The police know these statistics and have a duty of care to you. I'm trying to put this gently without upsetting you more but the police don't want him to seriously hurt you or kill you.
The best thing you can do, to protect yourself, his child and any future partners he has is make a statement and if it comes to it give evidence at court. This could be via a video link or behind a screen if it'd help you. The court would then be asked to consider a restraining order if you wanted one.
That way it's all proved and there's no wriggle room for what he did.
Given he already has a criminal record he's not learning is he. Don't worry about him worry about yourself.
Regarding his child, he's a violent dangerous person. Once that has been recognised by the system the proper protections for the child can be put in place. You'd be doing the child a favour.

Embracelife · 28/08/2021 10:10

You are not responsible for his thoughts and actions
Pass message to police.
He can ask police to see a doctor.
Block the family
Don't engage except with police.
You are free
Move on
You have done the right thing

Alcemeg · 28/08/2021 10:18

Gosh OP, what a horrible mess you're in Flowers

His brother makes it very clear that your ex is dangerous to himself and others, and stupidly blames you for not just running away from it all. But it's not your fault. And you running away from him does not change the fact that this man is obviously a loose cannon at the best of times. 300 violent incidents?! It's only a matter of time before ... I was going to say "before he does something serious," but he already has.

Please share his brother's message with the police and ask what they can do to protect you. Flowers

Newmum29 · 28/08/2021 10:44

His brother is trying to manipulate you. Try to put it out of your mind. Unfortunately I’m not convinced men who hit women won’t hit their kids so I don’t have a lot of sympathy for his son. I also feel worried for any women who date him in the future.

That isn’t your responsibility but make the decision that’s best for you, not for his brother / son / him.

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